Grandpa told me once that I have fifty dollar kisses.

Elisabeth wanted fifty kisses from me before I left. She can't count to fifty, so she had no idea how many kisses that was. I gave her fifty kisses. Twenty percent of them landed on her teeth because she kept saying the number as I kissed her. Then I decided to go for the cheeks until she couldn't count any higher. That happened at 17. Has anyone ever wanted fifty kisses from you?

Sarah Jo

Kaitlynn has her hands on my cheeks, staring at me with those endless eyes of hers. I think the secrets of existence are in those eyes. I ask her if she can see my soul. She says yes. I ask her if she likes what she sees. She gives me that playful smile that makes me wonder what shes hiding this time.

Hello? Kites!

I wish you had been there with me.

Aww, thanks guys.

You make my heart go: YAY!

So, after the party yesterday, I drove home crying and when I pulled up to the house, I realized I was locked out. Christopher pulled up right behind me. We both got out of the car and he hugged me really tight and let me cry on his shoulder. Then he said we should go shopping at Wal-Mart to find some happy. By the time we got home it was time to go back to church for another choir performance and I was very tired and had a headache from crying. Don't you hate that? As if you aren't already upset enough by whatever made you cry, THEN you get a headache? I protest. Anyway, so after choir I came home in a pretty bad mood and decided to play the role of drama queen for awhile. By the end of the night I was laying on the floor in front of my computer crying because I couldn't find "that one thing", I was tired, hungry, I had a headache, and my family didn't love me. It was not really one of my finest moments.

Anyway though, I'm done. Thanks so much for the love and happy thoughts. I love you too.

Sarah Jo

Gimme Gimme Soma Lovin

I had a pretty awful time at the *Christmas party* today. I was pretty much ignored the whole time. I give up. I'm not doing this anymore. Why should I spend time with people that only make me cry, just because they are "family"? No more Christmas. No more thanksgiving. No more anything. Moms side of the family will just have to be enough for me because Im not spending another holiday with Dads family.

If you'll excuse me, I need to go tend to my puffy eyes and emotional wounds.

Sarah Jo

Honey, Darlin', and Dear

Yesterday, I blushed to the roots of hair. I didn't know I could do that. And I laughed until I thought it wasn't fair that I should be so happy. And I remembered that story and all the details and was consequently called a good listener. I've never thought of myself as a good listener, I'm a talker. I talk, talk, talk. And I was also called patient. Not only patient, but an example of patience. I thought I was impatient. I think I could add a few more to the list. You know, it really is nice to be around people that only build you up, that only support you and compliment you. I want to be the person building other people up too. I want to be everything they tell me I am.

Sarah Jo

"Originality is a ghost town, and its oh so hard to get to"

I just wanted to inform you that Relient K will be touring within a reasonable driving distance TWO TIMES in the spring. Therefore; I plan to see Relient K TWO TIMES this spring.

Thank you for your time.

Sarah Jo

I only cheated a little.

This post is inspired (plagarized) or whatever by Tommy. So thank you very much.

This is what you do:
Take the first one or two sentences from the first post of each month all year long and put them together to create your report card thing.

Mine are in chronological order Jan to Dec line by line:

Hugs like a drug.
I have several things I want to share tonight.
Where is my (random object)?
It was beautiful, in a creepy sort of way.
The beauty of anticipation
I've had an army print filled day.
Hey Kids
Okay sir, well, you have a great day!
I came home and everyone was grumpy. And then they all left.
And I'd say so much more if only you weren't listening.
Good day. Started off amusing, got even better.
Honey, you're my dream come true.

I did cheat a little. October is the last line from the first post, it was just to great to abandon.
Thanks!

Sarah Jo

The highlight of my dreams or Reading between the lines.

Last night, in my dreams, I was so lost. I was so alone. I couldn't really shake that feeling today. I had forgotten all about the dream, but the feeling remained. Then something reminded me about dreams. . . and it came rushing back in full detail. I used to feel alone quite a bit, but that was some time ago and its not me anymore. Ashley and I were talking about that the other day, the "teenage" phase of "no one understands me and I'm depressed about it and I hate the world and the world doesn't even know I exist". Did you go through that? I remember it well, but I'm not there anymore. I most certainly am not alone and I don't think I ever truly will be. And anyway, my happiness is not dependent on my current company. But last night. . .
It always seems like this one is the one.
And I find it disconcerting that, that, that, each person can be a feeling, a good feeling maybe, a bad one, but un-named. The name of the feeling is yours. And the disconcerting part is that when its a bad feeling, I have no way to stop it. A word, a look, and here it comes. I'll explain: Kaitlynn makes me smile, my heart "wriggles" and the muscles in my arms twitch in a desire to hold her. And just thinking of Kaitlynn or looking at a picture of her makes me feel this way. I could go through the list of everyone and their feelings, but that would be telling you too much. But anyway, back to the bad part. One sentence, and one look, and a small inflection of the voice, and a shift of weight from one foot to the other, and I really don't like the way you make me feel. And all those walls I've built up by time, distance, or cruel words, they don't protect me from the crawling under my skin, the wrinkle of my brow, and the emotions like bile in my throat.
Such as: repulsion, shame, desire, longing, hate, insecurity, hopefulness, disappointment, anger. . .
And that dream. . .
Long halls with so many doors, so many floors and I was searching, searching. And I had to find it/her/he/them quickly because time was short. It was urgent. And I couldn't do it by myself. Too many rooms, not enough time. And it was empty here, crowded there. Gray. I wanted out, out into the sunshine and the green grass and the air that moved and smelled of life, not the gray/eggshell/beige template, metallic recycled air, of the windowless tower of . . . monotony. security. routine.
Anyway, what I feel now is cold, and he makes my cheeks flush with warmth and pleasure.
Oh.
I wish I had strength and beauty in me.
But I don't.
I hope someone will love me anyway.
Sarah Jo.

Unfiltered, undiluted, unadulterated Sarah Jo:

The last week has been a blurry haze of stress, falling asleep on books, very fun times, and STUFF. I would like to highlight the "very fun times". Like the Christmas party for work, that was very much awesome. And seeing the Chronicles of Narnia was happy. I was in one of those "jittery" moods after that. When I get really excited/enthusiastic/happy about something, I feel like every cell in my body is wriggling with happiness and I just want to touch people, hug someone or something, just in case its contagious. Saturday I gave up on caring about stuff and slept for a long time. I bought a candle warmer and I have been having much fun with it. Ashley, that candle was too big. I went to the hallmark store and got some of those tarts, they are perfect. I'm sleepy. I've watched a lot of movies these last two/three days. I can't wait till exams are over so I can stop procrastinating for awhile. Geez. I played "botany bingo". That was great. Melanie says I smell like cookies. I had a dream that Ashley Jelonek died. I woke up crying after that one. Then I dreamed that I went shopping with my dad and I bought more stuff than I could afford and the cashier kept adding things and I told her I didn't have enough money and she said if I bought her a pair of shoes I would have enough money and I didn't understand and she explained that if I bribed her with shoes she wouldn't charge me as much but I just wanted to put stuff back because that would be very wrong and I've just written a terrible run-on sentence. Reminds me of The Scarlet Letter. That dream wasn't nearly as bad as the one about Kaitlynn getting kidnapped. Relient K is playing in my head right now, "I'm giving up on giving up slowly. . ." I would love to sit here and go on and on about the same subject just because it makes me happy to talk about it but. . . . I won't. A week can be a REALLY long time, you know.

Sarah Jo

"I really can't stay. . ."

That song, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" has been stuck in my head all day long. I absolutely love it.

I was going to say more but stress is hitting me over the head like a:

Pillow
Bag of marshmallows
pound of feathers
a handful of whipped cream
roll of toilet paper
Miami Middletowns Spring Scheudule Book
basket of (clean) laundry
gust of air

As you can see, we havent reached the extreme stages of stress-ness just yet.

Sarah Jo

All the things I didn't say:

I feel SO much happier when you are near. But I'm not me around you. I'm whatever it is I think you would like me to be. I think I remember eveything you say. I think I like you more than all those other ones. I don't want a relationship with you, it could never be better than this fantasy. Your honesty is confounding. When you are upset with me, I feel that I could never escape from the sadness of it. When you compliment me, my heart races like fiery butterflies under my skin. You make my cheeks hurt because I can't stop smiling when I am near you. And I talk too much because I don't want the silence between us. I delight in your facial expressions and the way you smell. I love the way you laugh, and the way you surprise me. I love the way you say my name. You are clever and so caring and open. Your emotions are written all over your face and across your shoulders. I don't want a relationship with you because I could never deserve you. You make me feel good about me. If you were a color, you would be amber. If you were a season, you would be late spring, so full of life and warmth and beauty. And I could talk about you until I ran out of people willing to listen.
I spent a beautiful Sunday with Kaitlynn and Ashley. Happiness has filled all the space not occupied by the stress.
Sarah Jo

Honey, you're my dream come true.

Its curious that he said he tried to get into my dreams and then I read a book about visiting other peoples dreams.

Manos

I made awesome chocolate cake. No, it wasn't the regular "good" chocolate cake. This was applebees triple chocolate meltdown good.

And I took my botany notes in cursive because I was using my mermaid pen. Trust me, that makes complete sense. Anyway, the result is me not being able to read my botany notes.

Amber Romance smells SO good. I now have this scent in many products. Apparently its "A warm, alluring blend of Black Cherry, Creme Anglaise, and Sandalwood." I just learned that.That's so a word I cant think of right now. Remember that black candle from Target that smelled wonderful? It was Sandalwood too. I guess I like sandalwood. Yum.

And I played my song and strummed the cords for it on an autoharp. It felt very campfireish.

I have that jingle The Jolly Green Giant in my head.That'ss because I like "Demolition Man" too much.

HEY! Did I tell you that my Classical myth prof talked about 7B47B today? Oh, for those of you not completely obsessed in completely healthy manner,that's Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. We've also talked about Xanadu and mannequine. I cant spell that last one.

I'm telling you, my hands smell so very nice right now. That would be because of the Amber Romance, of course.

I was thinking about hands. In church one Sunday Chad was talking about how important hands are. They are the symbol of our strength, but also of our tenderness. You build things with your hands. You defend yourself with your hands. You break or fix things with them too. You can discipline or even talk with your hands. But you also hold people, draw them near, comfort them, touch and caress them, with your hands. How close are you to someone when you can hold their hand? How much closer does it bring you? What about just touching them? Patting them on the shoulder, slapping them on the back, touching the hair, the cheek? I think I could measure how close I am to people by how comfortable I am with touching them, them touching me. I grabbed my dads hand today. I cant think of anyone I'm not related to that I would feel comfortable just grabbing their hand.

My dads hands are rough and stained. His labors show on them. All the years of deep cuts and machine grease leave their mark in black slashes and calloused fingers. My brothers hands are begging to look that way with bruised knuckles and red palms. My mothers knuckles and joints are swollen. Her fingers are unwilling to straighten. Her skin is dry and cracking in protest to the cold, dry winter air. My hands, well, right now they smell nice. What do your hands say about you? And what will you do with them?

Sarah Jo

I meant the Hershey kind.

I can hardly wait until we are out for Christmas break. Mostly, no, almost entirely because I hate homework so much. I don't mind being in class at all, but when I'm at home I just don't want to be doing stuff for class again. Darn it. So I have this paper to write about Down Syndrome and its due tomorrow and I haven't started it yet and its 9:30 and I hate homework. Procrastination is a cruel, cruel friend.

Sarah Jo

I feel violated.

I'd like to share that we have been burglarized.

What am I thankful for? The bolt-lock on my office door.

Sarah Jo

He said that I'm refulgent.

"That means you're going to have a baby"

Last night I dreamed that I died when I was three years old and my whole life since then has been a fake memory thing of what my life would have been like if I hadn't died. In my dream, when I finally realized that I was a ghost of some sort and not alive, I tried to go to my blog to prove that I hadn't died. My theory was, if my blog was there, I must have been there. But my blog wasn't there. GASP. So I decided to make a new blog called "Dead Girl" where I would tell the world my story about dying, daydreaming, and being tangible enough to accesses the internet. Alarm goes off. Am I really here? Weird.

today's word was aberration. My dream was one of those. Other forms of this word would be: aberrant, aberrance, aberrancy, aberrantly, aberrational. Just thought you would like to know.

And I STILL haven't written those darn papers. Oops.

Night then.

Sarah Jo

"Just hear those printers printing and keyboards typing away!"

We had our thanksgiving party for my Dads side of the family today because Grandma is having surgery Monday and will probably still be in the hospital on Thursday. I didn't have too much fun. I felt pretty invisible. All my cousins are grown up and married and they treat me like a child or just ignore me completely, whichever is more convenient at the time, I suppose. But, I won't talk about that anymore.

I had a ridiculously good time at work yesterday. We decided to have a word of the day and use it as much as possible. Yesterdays word was "exceptional" and today was "plethora" if I spelled those right. I'm picking the word for Monday. Robbie and I were giggling quite uncontrollably toward the end of the day. It was much fun. I wrote a BMV song to the tune of sleigh ride and sang it. Today was great too. So far. Ashley and I are going to go see Harry Potter in a little bit. After that, who knows? I do know that I'm sleepy and I have too much homework to do to have this much fun.

Sarah Jo

Gmail and stuff.

I finally got a gmail account. And my ear is sore from all the phone-talking. And I STILL havent written those papers. . .

Sarah Jo

"Casting on" and other foreign terms

When I close my eyes I can see interlocking loops of thread. I still feel the coarse texture slide between my fingers, and the back and forth rhythm of the needle. I've been crocheting all day. I'm not even sure if that's a word. I've also been singing Christmas songs. My favorites would be Winter Wonderland, The Most Wonderful Time of the Year, sleigh Ride, Carol of the Bells, Let There be Peace on Earth, and Oh Holy Night. I could definitely go on and on. I love Christmas music. Its just so happy. Speaking of happy, I took a quiz about what's your theme song? And mine is Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles. Its a happy little ditty. Is that how ditty is spelled? Here comes the sun do dun do do . . .

I won a gift certificate to Dads restaurant. I've only ever had their vegetable soup. I didn't like their vegetable soup. Lima beans = unhappiness.

All my projects are due at the same time. I probably wouldn't be so stressed if I didn't procrastinate so much. Like taking online quizzes when I should be writing papers. Or writing in my blog when I should be making a power point presentation. . .

Night kids,
Sarah Jo

Bowling with a high of 84

I had all this stuff to say about how wonderful my day was and how much fun I had bowling, going to the Hometown buffet, the b-day party, the coffee shop, and almost learning how to crochet. But then I got distracted and now I'm too sleepy and my fingers and toes are cold and I need to brush my teeth.

Sarah Jo

What do Down Syndrome, Greek textiles, Asian music, and Sharon woods all have in common?

*warning* Please Excuse the horrible spelling errors. Apparently I baffle spell-check.

I joined the Christmas choir at church. I've never been in a church choir before, but it makes me miss A cappella choir much. Its so beautiful when there are a hundred voices all working together to make music. Anyway. . .

Last night my dream was so vivid, I could still feel it when I woke up. It kind of moved back and forth. It was three different dreams all in one because I would walk into a room and forget all about everything that happened before I walked in. It was a new experience as soon as the door closed. I bought train tickets. I was running away. They found me. I went into this building to hide, forgot all about being chased. Stuff happened. We went outside and had to plant some trees because someone cut them all down. I was so sad about all the tree stumps. (This is probably a result of watching Fern Gully)

They watched a movie in pychology today. It was Crash, I believe. I decided to sit in the hallway and read my textbook. I am glad of my decistion. I got a lot done.

I'm a little stressed. It will get much worse before the semester is over with. I have all these projects due one after another after another and then exams the next week and and and. . . breathe.

Now I'm sleepy. The bed is calling me. I need to change my sheets. White isn't working for me anymore. I'm thinking. . . pink? It was blue, then it was white. . . yeah, pink will do. I don't have any money for buying any new sheets or it would be tan and brown. Kind of like the autumn. But pink will do. Pink will always do.

I was bored in nursing class last night and I drew a picture and it looked just like. . . or maybe it was my imagination because I'm a terrible artist.

Friday I'm going on a field trip to the Freedom Center. I think it will be fun. Oh, and Matt Hosey and Dustin. . Dustin something are playing at Fourth and Maine. Its a cd release party thing? Hmm, I dunno. I guess I'm going. And Saturday has something. . . work and. . bowling. Yes, we are going bowling. This shall be a good weekend. Sunday, church, grandma's, choir practice. Too bad its only Tuesday. . .

Sarah Jo

Ladies and Gentlemen:

I paid off my car. *bows* Thank you very much.

Sarah Jo

Episode I:

This morning there was a spider on my pajamas. (A set I wasn't wearing.) I thought I would be brave and kill it myself since there were no males in the house to call upon. My plan of attack was to squish it with toilet paper. I carried out said plan. I opened up said toilet paper; no spider guts were found inside. Is the mysterious vanishing spider dead? Where did it go? Will it retaliate?

to be continued. . .

Is it weird that I associate you with gyros?

Good day. Started off amusing, got even better.

Story:

Yesterday at work a customer tells me, "you're kinda cute, you know that?". That might have been flattering it was from someone my age, and without the "kinda", but it came from a 53 year old man. Nice. I also had a man tell me I would make a good wife once. . . yes, an OLD man. What's with that?

Sarah Jo

Conversation

I've been fighting with You all day
this argument wont go away
and I'm not giving in
You're asking for too much
too soon
and I'm not even sure of You
It takes all my self-control
not to run away
and now You want change me
just when I was happy
I'm pretty sure I'm happy
aren't I happy?
But You promise better things
like being so close to You
and knowing You
and seeing You
all I have to do
is give in
give it all up
all these things
these temporary things
that won't mean anything anyway
OK
You win
I'm giving up everything
that means anything to me
because I want You to be
everything thing to me
and already, I worry
What will You do with me?
Do You really know what I need?
Can You really make me happy?
Just You, just me?
I guess that's what they call
faith
Can You help me with that?
Will You help me with everything?
because suddenly
I need You.

Stuff

So basically, I found a new search engine, Blingo, powered by Google that gives you a chance to win a prize by using the search engine. The likelihood of actually winning a prize is pretty remote, but then, I know I'll never win a prize on those other search engines. . . so why not?

Sarah Jo

Mmmm

Right at this very moment, I'm wearing my new pink pajamas. I just wanted to share with you warm, fuzzy, feelings created by my warm, fuzzy, robe and flannel pants.

Sarah Jo

Thursdays with Joanie

Christopher found my coat. It was under my bed. And when he found it he said, "Sarah Jo" and shook his head exactly the same way Robbie did when I wouldn't get on the roller coaster. I'm beginning to see a trend where my middle name is only used in moments of exasperation or extreme amusement. What could it mean?

And I thought I wanted everyone to call me Sarah Jo. So, I decided I had better start introducing myself as such, but then I just can't. I want my friends to call me Sarah Jo, not random people I just met. You can meet Sarah, but it may take awhile for you to know Sarah Jo. Okay, so I know this just got a little weired. And saying my name in my head so many times is making it sound funny.

That guy in class this morning was really nice. You know the one I mean. And cute too, but that's not the important part. The important part was him knowing who the heck Relient K is and the permanent-seeming smile. We should mix things up more often, because talking to new people is fun.

Hehe. I was just remembering about the time we had a field trip in science class to uh, Trammel Fossil Park? It was cold outside so we went inside the building that was nearby while we waited for our professor to show up. The guys that worked inside kept walking by curiously, probably wondering why there were a dozen giggling teenage girls in the lobby. Finally, someone important-looking came and asked if we needed help. After a moment of confusion we realized that we were in a private office building. The man was nice and said we could wait inside as long as we needed. We giggled more and guys kept walking by . . . Anyway, who would have thought to read the big sign right in front of the building?

Why am I anticipating work in the morning? Eh, it could be SO much worse.

Sarah Jo

Matthew Thiessen = awesome verbal skills

I would so much rather go to work than school tomorrow. That would be because of the two quizzes I have. Oh well, they have to happen some time. Better a quiz than a paper, I think.

I'm trying very hard not to get sick, but apparently I'm not trying hard enough. The chicken noodle soup and I have become good friends.

I'm tired of sneezing.

So, I'm really just wasting time away until the inevitable pseudo-studying ritual takes place. Thats where I pretend to read over the material again. It makes me feel better about myself while not actually helping me in any way. Yes, such are the requirements for satisfying my pointless mental structure. Something like that.

Hey, I could go alphabetize my CD's or go see what my mom is thinking about right now. Yeah, that would be better than studying.

Sarah Jo

Hey, I like this song:

The Thief
by Matthew Thiessen And The Earthquakes

I guess its safe to say youre never coming back
And I understand why yowouldnt want to
I guess it up to me to find a way to get to you

And I cant see you
And getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And Im so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining

And theres just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this Ive made
cowardiceowardess that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me

I guess its safe to say youre never coming back
And I understand why you wouldnt want to
I guess its up to me to find a way to get to you

Did you read that book? Do you want to?

You are Vanilla Pudding. As "The Complex
Infrastructure Known as the Female Mind:
According to Relient K" puts it,
"She's not as rich as Tiramisu, she's not
as tangy as a Lemon Tart, she's not as
complicated as a White Chocolate Hazelnut
Cheesecake, or as exotic as Walnut Baklava. As
far as dessert goes, she's regular Vanilla
Pudding... not too crazy and not too
bland." "She is a nice, normal,
average girl. She's the proverbial girl next
door."


What girl type are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

"Nobody has blinded me!"

So the fun news would be that our furnace doesn't work. Consequently, neither do my fingers. Hmm, also. . . I cleaned out my shoe rack thing over the weekend and got rid of several pairs of shoes SO today I went bought some new shoes to fill in the holes. . .

I'm very, very cold right now. I'm thinking hot shower and quality time in front of the space heater. And maybe some hot chocolate.

I want to learn how to knit. Or crochet. Anybody know how? I think my grandma does, I'll have to bug her or something. Because I certainly need to start another project I'll never finish. Mom helped me clean out the closet and I have more room for half-finished projects now. Fun times.

But seriously, I can't feel my fingers. . .

Sarah Jo

"You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Goodness. I found three acoustic Relient K songs from Mmhmm. They are wonderful. Just now, I couldn't decide weather to say Relient K acoustic songs, or acoustic Relient K songs, or Relient K songs that are acoustic. . . so anyway. . .

Yesterday was great.
And. . .
The end?
Sarah Jo

Don't you hate these?

1. FIRST NAME
Sarah

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My grandma and my two aunts.

3. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
No, I just admire them

4. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE?
My right pinky finger.

5. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
I don't remember. . . I almost cried Saturday.

6. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
honey ham

8. ANY BAD HABITS?
sure. I talk too much. I'm not a good listener.

9. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
Hanson, followed closely by the New Kids on the Block

10. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I don't know. I hope so. Probably not.

11. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
Yeah, today actually

12. DO LOOKS MATTER?
A little bit, but they aren't the important part.

13. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
I cry.

14. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
Oh dear, I don't know. I don't feel at home here. Joanies house? Walmart?

15. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
Not at all.

16. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
I don't remember being a child.

17. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS?
That stupid nursing class. . .

18. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?
Umm, just this one.

19. ARE YOU SARCASTIC?
Yeah, sometimes.

20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
Not yet

21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Wow. He's gotta love Jesus. Niceness. Good listener because I talk so darn much. And he has to be happy.

22. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES
Sarah Jo, Sarah Jo Mae, Sayrah, Pelirojo and others I shall not list.

23. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No way.

24. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nope

25. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE STRONG POINTS?
Of course I do.

26. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Mint chocolate chip.

27. WHO'S YOUR BEST FRIEND
Ashley the Clayness

28. FAVORITE COLORS?
PINK, blue

29. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
There once were four, they are no more.

30. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
Aww, now you are making me all sad with "I miss you" feelings. Stop.

31. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Yeah, I do.

33. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Umm. . . pizza?

34. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
I don't talk on the phone very much. . . Linda, definitely Linda Jo.

35. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
That smile.

36. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?
Besides my textbooks? That was eons ago. . . something about a dragon and Atlantis

37. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
I'm much good. We laughed so much at work today. And we made Robbie act like a nosy old lady. Good Times.

38. FAVORITE DRINK?
grape kool aid, hot chocolate

39. DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE?
Romantically? No.

40. Favorite sport?
None of the above?

42. EYE COLOR?
Blue

43. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Nope, just the glasses, darn it.

44. SIBLINGS?
Little brother Christopher (16) and half-brother James (23?).

45. Favorite month?
Tough one. The one I'm in? Its the only one I really have. . .

46. FAVORITE FOOD?
Potato soup

47. LAST SHOW YOU WATCHED?
I watched a movie, Sisterhood of the Traveling pants.

48. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
everyday

49. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
DEFINATELY

50. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Autumn

51. HUGS OR KISSES?
I don't have experience on the kisses, so I'll go with hugs.

52. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Are you crazy?

I am understood?

I really need to vent just now. Or go somewhere, but I'm incredibly broke so the going somewhere wouldn't turn out so great. And the venting won't help either, because all the stuff I want to vent about would still be here, so what good would that be?

My lightbulb blew. And it was one of those "long-lasting" lightbulbs that's shaped all funny like a swirly tube. And I had it since July. Now, I believe it was supposed to last five years. I'm very disappointed.

In music class we are learning how to add simple harmony to simple songs, like twinkle twinkle or something. My fingers don't like the piano. Or the piano doesn't like my fingers. I cant make them reach where they need to go or stay where they should be or push down when they should and not push down when they shouldn't. Especially my pinky finger. And I have a terrible time trying to read music. I know how scales work and I know how songs should sound, but trying to look at the scale and know that that note is a C, I just can't do it. I always have to count up to it, you know, "F. . A. . .C"

I can't wait to find out what I got on my midterm.

I really like the lyrics for the new song so I'll share them because they aren't on a website anywhere yet:

The Truth by Relient K

And I've collected all these thoughts
and I'm dying just to lose them
and if your words are true or not
Ill die trying to prove them

but Ill just have to accept
that my mind is so inept
when the only thing that's left
for me to do is to trust you

convince me
because I really need your help
convince me
because I cant see this for myself

Ill put the emphasis on the evidence
begging for the proof
sometimes the hardest thing to believe
is the truth

this is so unnerving
I know you've never lied to me before
but the things you're telling me
I cant yet believe yet cant ignore

but Ill just have to accept
that my mind is so inept
and the only thing that's left
for me to do is to trust you

Ill put the emphasis on the evidence
begging for the proof
sometimes the hardest thing to believe
is the truth

you said to place our lives into your hands
confide in what you'll do
sometimes the hardest thing to believe
is the truth

its a world full of cynics
who say to stay alive in it
you gotta stick with what you know
but the soul is always aching
for the heart to start taking
a chance by letting go
So let go
let go
sometimes the hardest thing to believe
is the truth

you said to place our lives into your hands
confide in what you'll do
sometimes when you're trying to sleep
and all your doubts and your faith don't agree
it cus
sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth

I might as well say it. You thought I was really going to say it, didn't you?

Last night I dreamed that the house caved in, and it didn't make me sad at all.
And I keep thinking about this dream I had. . . uh. . . not last night, but sometime before that. . . anyway, someone was yelling at me, "Why do you always want what you can't have?" It was so real, and no one ever yells at me. *thinking* So, who was yelling at me, and if I do always want what I cannot have, why do they care enough to yell at me about it? Did I write about this already? I don't know. I've been thinking about it.

I feel so wonderful. My midterms are over with and now I can relax for a moment. I get so stressed and its so stupid because stressing doesn't help at all.

Aww, and I miss you.

Now I'm going to do something fun that is completely uneducational, if there is such a word.

Sarah Jo

What is this? I don't like it, I like it too much.

You've got me
staying up late
just for the chance
to talk to you.

And you've got me
daydreaming
when I should be
doing my homework
or cleaning my room
or something better than
just thinking of you.

And you've got me
singing your favorite songs
and I hate them.

And you've got me
smiling to see you
dying to touch you
living for your smile.

And laughing until I cry
and playing your words
over and over
and worrying about your happiness
and everything about you.

And I think I could hate you for it
if I didn't like you
so much.

I know you probably don't care but. . .

You can hear a new Relient K song here. Its the second song on the playlist, called "The Truth". Its from the Apathetic EP coming out November 8th. Thanks for tuning in. Please stick around for a word from my sponsor. . .

me

I laughed till I cried today. And I can't stop thinking about. . . Nothing.

"Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth" that's from the song. Humor me and go listen to it.

Sarah Jo

Buddha's Fruit:

A testament to my pumpkin growing/carving abilities.

"You look like you're having a seizure!"

The day started at 5am. That's just wrong. But the trip was so much fun. We left when it was still dark, we came home when it was dark. It felt like we had only been gone ten minutes instead of 16 hours. Man. On the way home, we saw this courthouse, and then a combine thing out in one of the dark fields. Then we saw another courthouse just like the first one. Then we saw another combine. Then we saw another courthouse that looked just like the other two. And we heard R.O.C.K in the USA twice. And the Red hot chili peppers twice. It was crazy. And we were singing SO bad in the car on the way home. It was great.

In MI, Ashley gave us a tour of the campus then we went to Anne Arbor. Apparently there was a home game going on because the streets were flooded in yellow and blue. It was beautiful up there.

Right now, I'm tired and my throat hurts from a combination of sickness, talking talking talking (what else do you do in the car for hours and hours? Oh yes. . .) and singing poorly. But I feel great.

And I didn't even have to drive. Thanks to Robbie.

Sarah Jo

NOT INTERESTING

Awww guys, no. I'm getting sick. And I'm pretty sure I 've been grumpy for a week. A week? Yeah, a week. Well, grumpy for me. I'm sorry. And now I'm sick, darn it. I'm sorry if you had to deal with my grumpiness. I'm blaming it on midterms and ill-timed emotional stresses. Yes. That works, right? But, I'm happy right now, happy with a sore throat and ect. . . but much happy. I got vegetable soup for dinner counting on its soul-warming properties, but I was disappointed by the unusually high lima bean content of said soup. I don't like lima beans. Oh yeah, so everything is better that hasn't been all right, but you don't know what I mean, but it makes me feel much good.

I turned down TWO hugs this last week. Now, have you ever seen me turn down a hug? No, I didn't think so. But I was in one of those moods where I was using all my energy to be friendly and it wasn't good enough. It wasn't my normal friendly. So people at work were kind of concerned and they kept giving me reassuring smiles and putting their arms around me and such and I just wanted to go hide in a dark room. Melanie offered me a hug when I left Wednesday, and I turned it down. She hugged me anyway. Iris offered to hug me this morning. I turned it down also. She was a bit offended and informed me that she's not a "hugging person" and that it was a rare occurrence for her to offer one like that. I'm sorry guys. I don't want an "aww, there there, it will be okay" hug. I want an "I love you this much" hug. They are different. Trust me. The first is kind of one arm hugging, one arm patting, trying to look you in the eyes hug. The second is a squeeze, both arms. Like you are trying to physically transmit your affection through an embrace.

Anyway, I would love to say, "I don't know what the heck was wrong with me" But I DO know what was wrong with me and the fact that I was so upset over something like that made me even more upset because I don't want someone else having that kind of power over my emotions. Its over now anyway. And I'm going to try my best not to go running back into my shell. No one can hurt me there, I know, but no one can love me there either.
I know you don't want to hear about any of this. I just wanted to talk about it without having to answer questions. I wanted to say this much.

Tomorrow is the "road trip" to MI. I'm much excited. We are leaving at 6am, so yeah, I need to get to bed early tonight. I hope I feel better in the morning. I'm glad Robbie is going to drive. Oh yeah! MAP! Crap, I mean, goodnight.

Sarah Jo

What is your favorite color?

Mine is pink. I'm also awfully fond of blue.

Do this, or don't. You know, whatever.

So, you should vote for Relient K on MTV TRL countdown thing. I'll even give you the link in case your uber lazy.

http://www.mtv.com/onair/trl/vote/

Buh bye now.

Sarah Jo

I like the way you say my name.

Or I did, until you said it that way. I hate being the disappointment in your eyes. And now everytime you smile at me I can only think of the time you couldn't look at me. And everytime you say my name I only hear it the way you said it that day. And maybe you have forgotten, but how can I? I'm not used to being the one messing things up and now I feel like I never want to take that chance again. Because if I never get close to you, we can never hurt each other. But what kind of life would that be? I'm sorry, but that will never make it go away.

I think I liked my fantasy better, but I can't have that anymore either.

Sarah Jo

"To practice the life that I pretend"

Hmm, I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't say this, but I'm just so sad. And I don't know why. And I keep trying to think happy thoughts like usual and be my happy self, but its so much more work than usual and even when I muster up the energy to appear happy, its just pretend, and its exhausting. And I have this heavy, sinking feeling in my chest like I could never fill up this hole inside of me. And I know that's not true, and I know that its just temporary, but I don't want to be here at all. And I don't want to say these things at all. But I feel like I'm walking around lying to everyone everytime I smile. Its just the stress, I tell myself. Midterms and *stuff* will be over soon and I'll look back at this and roll my eyes at the dramaqueenness of it all. But right now, I'm so sad.

"and I just want for all of this to end"

Sarah Jo

p.s. I was looking for the link for my little quote there, and played some RK while looking. And I find it truly amazing how healing music can be. Truly Amazing.

Uh,

Hi!

What happens next?

Write this down
spell it out
because its fading
as quickly as my breath
until there's nothing left
but the memory of exhaling

As my lips form the words
oh, you have never heard
you will never ever hear again
not from me
I'll say it once and nevermore
I've never felt this way before
Here it is:

oh no, doubt and fear come rushing in
I'll never have this chance again
and as the moment slowly dies
and you're still searching in my eyes
I say the thing that makes me tremble
and you. . .
and you. . .
and you?

Sarah Jo

And it took me six tries to type my name correctly

Apparently this isn't any less distracting than being at home. This being school. I was surprised to find that The Jug/Java Johnny's now has a trailer set up in the quad area. Its nice that they finally brought in some method to feed us, because those vending machines just weren't cutting it. These keys click really loudly. It makes me want to type fast just so everyone can hear me. I'm so vain. Hehe. Except I don't have much to say and I have plenty of reading to do for pyschology. Four chapters by next Tuesday. I've had all semester to do this, stupid procrastination. Here I go again.

Darn it.

And Amber (my brothers gf) got a dog, and since she sort of lives with us they both think that the dog is going to live with us too. I don't think so. No way. Animals smell and make me sneeze and and and get fleas and sit on the furniture and drool all over you and get hair all over everything. No way. But of course, I have no authority in the house and no one cares what I think. Because apparently its all right for my little brother to smoke and cus and sleep with his girlfriend and drive without a license, all without so much as a word from my parents. So what difference does a dog make, really?

Okay, okay. I'm grumpy but I'm done complaining.
For now.

Sarah Jo

A tribute to the middle-school letter-writing days:

I had a very vivid dream last night. Giving all the details would take forever and that would be pointless, so I won't. Important points (I guess?): I was driving home and I couldn't see because it was so dark and I had sunglasses on for some reason and I couldn't even see enough to pull over and stop. Eventually I did stop because there was a road block thing and we had to clear it, but there was lots of snow and animals out to get us and I didn't have any shoes on. I just remember thinking, I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing but I can't stop now.

Well, okay kids, since I don't have to work today, I think I'll take me and my homework somewhere less distracting.

L.A.O.I.S
Sarah Jo

"Dear You"

I'm not so happy just now. And I don't know whether I want to be alone or with someone else. I know I don't want to talk about it, I just want to feel better. I just want to lose myself in something else and stop thinking so much.

The concert last night was very awesome, and very cold. Relient K played 15 songs, I think. It was great. And I caught a guitar pick that Jon threw. It made me much happy. And they left the Jesus parts in. I took my camera, and then didn't take very many pictures because I wanted to watch the show instead of trying to get good pictures. We were so close. Hmm, now I have to wait till next year to do it again. Unless someone wants to go to Cleveland? Didn't think so.

Sarah Jo

Hmmm

That wasnt so great. A little dissapointing. Better luck next time?

I'm SO jealous.

And its great because its something new. I think that's a little sad, or maybe I'm a little sad. Because I'm jealous.

Love somebody, yes I do! La la la la, doo doo doo.

Be for me, everything I've always wanted. Know, somehow, everything that you should say. Change as quickly as my expectations. Cover me with happy things and tell me who you are. Sing for joy and make me want to be a better person. Laugh out loud, and cherish me for who I am. Be imperfect and let me love your imperfections. Listen and really care. Don't make me feel like I'm not good enough. If I'm not good enough then why are you here?

And I love structure, and I hate that I do. And you haven't figured me out yet and its never the same you. And sometimes I talk for my own benefit (like now). And what will I say next? I have a knot right here behind my shoulders. I like hugs. The song in my head is one I've never heard before. I wish I could give birth to it but my songs always die on my lips. The other day at work I was telling someone that I babysat Kaitlynn on Tuesday but it came out, "I had a baby on Tuesday" and everyone laughed and I was so embarresed. And I. . . sigh. I don't want to grow up and grow old. I dont want to stay here forever either. I just hate this wood paneling. I was so sad when that tree died while the scary music played. And my happy pink paper just isnt happy enough for botany. One day one day one day one day I hope I hope I hope anticipation does not end in dissapointment. Im so busy waiting for tomorrow I'll look back to find I've lost all my yesterdays. My finger hurts. Just one. Why would it do that? I didn't give my finger permission to hurt.

Thanks for all the times you told me to shut up and quit worrying. And thanks for making me uncomfortable. And thanks for making me do things I didnt want to do at the time. Thanks for still being there when I tried to push you away. Thanks for being the kind of friend I needed. I need.

And you. You upset me more than I allow most people to do. I don't know why on earth I keep staying around. You just make me want to GRRRR.

And you. Well, you know how I feel about you.

And you.
And you.
And you.

Well, I love you.
But thats beside the point. The point is, there is no point. Something. like. that. I was going for structurelessness. It didnt work well. I see the structure. Maybe you do. I'll never tell.

Sarah Jo
or whatever my name is

He's like, "GO AWAY!" and She's like, "NO!"

My quiz thing in mythology today was great. I love that class. I really like classical mythology, all the stories. These stories are definitely different than the versions we learned in high school. Now I want to watch Hercules. I don't have Hercules. Darn it.

I spent the evening with Joanie, Ashley, Elisabeth, and Kaitlynn. Well, Ashley came later. But it was much fun. And I purchased Mancala at Target and played it with my mom and Amber. It was great. My mom was really good at it.

And. . . I just got distracted

Okay, so Im pretty far behind in two classes so I think I'll go play ketchup now. Something like that.

Grandpa says to me today:

The greatest thing you can find in this life is the Lord Jesus. He will never leave you. You may have to go some places you don't want to go, but he will never stop and make you continue on your own. He will be with you always, and you will never be alone.

Alphabet Soup

So I was doing that thing where I think too much and try to analyze things when I should just leave it alone. And I wish I could move my thoughts into another direction, because I don't like where this is going, I don't like where this has been.

I want to talk about it and I don't want to talk about it.
I even love the way he says my name, like its something he likes to say.
Darn it. This isn't working. This isn't working at all.

I imagine all the words I'm not saying piling up inside me from my toes up. Like the robot city, but you have no idea what I'm talking about. All the little letters stacked haphazardly just behind my lips now, threatening to spill over, pushing at my fingertips, willing me to move. And I'd say so much more if only you weren't listening.

Not that I want to. . .

I'm telling you that I have to leave you, but I'm not going until you let me go, because I could never leave you like that, still hanging on. I'll hold you until the tears come. I'll hold you until they stop. I'll hold you until you are strong enough to stand up, and walk away from me. But please, please, don't keep me here too long; You know I cannot stay.

Its not fair that you can spell out double you but not "H". Ach? Aych?

So basically Im just writing so that blasted picture will get the heck off the top of the page. What should I tell you tonight?

I had hot chocolate today between classes and it warmed my soul, or at least my mouth. Instead of "soul" I typed "sould", and I do that nearly everytime. I guess its becuase its a lot like "should" or something. . .

I cant wait for next weekend, and the next. I'm probobly going to not appreciate the time until then as much as I should.

I havent done my homework for days. It isnt going to be any fun trying to catch up.

Well, this isnt very interesting for you or me. Maybe I could tell a secret. Wait, do I know any secrets? And if I did, it wouldnt be very nice to tell it over the internet. I know, I'll make something up. (Jaqueline has a crush on Sergio) Now who the heck are Jaqueline and Sergio? You should make a story for them and tell me. Thats your homework. If you dont do it. . . there is absolutely no negative consequence, but how would you feel about yourself?

Sarah Jo

Will you marry me?

Do try to contain your jelousy.

Have you had sex with a man who's had sex with a man before 1980?

I just read some random article about understanding how things you value affect your happiness, and it listed things like curiosity, social contact, acceptance, order, honor, power, tranquility, romance, ect. . . . and it defined each term. It defined romance as pursuing or having sex. What is wrong with the world? Geez.

At the blood drive today the lady kept wiggling the needle around in my arm and now I have this unreasonably large hole in my skin.

My dad actually liked the music I played in the car today.

I'm sleepy.

"The grass is greener over the septic tank" Yeah, someone said that today.

So fed ex says my shirt will be here tomorrow. I'm much excited.

I'm really liking The Wedding. "My strength is not determined by never messing up, but that every time that I fall down is one more time that I will get back up"

You have the most amazing eyes.

Wow, I had so many short posts there for awhile. I do have a lot to say, but they haven't been things you would want to hear about. Like, the general girly stuff, "Guess what _______ did/said today? Does that mean he likes me? You should see his smile, and those eyes of his. . . " Blah. Blah. Blah. And then more ranting about Relient K having a new video out or seeing live music at the coffee shop. Or my dads car getting vandalized this time. Or I cant wait to go to the concert, or the "road trip." These things I talk about all the time.

I decided I'm not a very good listener. Or at least not a good enough listener, so I'll try harder from now on. I feel like I do more talking than listening. Of course, this is my own personal space to rant, rave, babble, and so on, so I will.

I have class at seven and I don't like this class. I was seriously considering skipping it but then I would feel guilty about it for a week. I can never do anything wrong, even if its not really wrong. But anyway, Im just wasting time until class starts.

Happy thought: there will be live music at Kidd Coffee Friday AND Saturday this week. Fun times. Maybe I'll go both days. Saturday I went by myself to find that there was no music at all. It wasn't a total loss as I did get an orange creamsicle and I got to say hi to Robbie and Jena.

You know what? I really value purity. I don't cuss, smoke, or drink. I've never even held hands or kissed anyone. And I'm not saying I wont hold hands or kiss people I'm not married to, but my kisses wont be cheap, they won't be given away to just anyone. You see, I see my purity as a gift I am storing up for my future husband. And I hope that he is doing the same for me. And anyway, it just really. . . I'm looking for a word, annoys? me when people act like my purity is a handicap, or fault or something. GRRRR. My future husband will think its special, not something to deal with. I think I'll stop talking about this because I get more upset the more I think about it. *deep breath*

And while I'm complaining. . . one thing that I don't like is when people say they are going to do something and then they don't. I don't care if its big or small. If you cant seem to handle the little things, why should I trust you with the big things? Don't tell me you will do this or that if you don't plan on doing it.

Im done with the negative.

Hey, if you think something nice about someone, you should tell them, it would make them feel good and it wouldn't cost you anything at all. I'm definitely going to try that one. The only time I feel strange about doing that is when people smell nice or they have pretty eyes, I don't know why, but those just seem like weird things to say to people. But I'll try.

Okay now, its time for me to go get my frapp before class.

God bless you
(I love you?)

Sarah Jo

Something happy:

I just thought of something happy to share. I got my oil changed at Jiffy Lube and they were SO nice. They opened doors for me and called me Miss.

I dont have anything exciting to say. Im happy! Yay! I'm all wound up with antipication, I can feel it in my fingertips.

Okay, I give.

Christopher just told me that its a great day for washing cars. Do you think he's trying to tell me something?

(Next, mom will be telling me its a great day for washing laundry.)

I keep getting distracted. . .

I like a boy again, gosh darn it. Isn't it great?

My AC says, "BOOM boom BOOM boom"

Last night I fell asleep at seven and didn't wake up again until morning. That was awesome. I was(am?) getting sick and I needed the down time. In other news, my air conditioner broke. This makes me much sad. Oh well, at least it is fall and not the middle of the summer. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts.

I should really be doing other things right now, so I guess I will

Sarah Jo

I've got that extra dose of happy when you are near,

and I hate it because I miss it when you are not here.

Gor-Gee-Us

So, I am lacking in the photo-taking skills department, and trying to take pictures of things in glass frames doesnt work so well, but. . .

These are the three that made it on the wall tonight:


And these are the three that didnt:



Arent they pretty?

What would your t-shirt say?

I have a BOT exam tomorrow and I've found that the greater the stress involved, the greater the effort to procrastinate. That might just be me. There is a fly in my room. Hey, guess what? I found these picture frames that are so perfect for those paintings I got in China. I'll have to take a picture and show you. Oh, and I ordered a custom made shirt today from neighborhoodies. Im much excited. Its navy blue and it says "RULE FOLLOWER" in pink on the front and it has pink hearts. Fun times. Only half of my frames are up now. I got an extra frame and printed out three pictures that I took in black and white and it looks so cool and artsy (and I'm neither)

I had a great weekend. A great day. La la la. Fluffy happy stuff. Take some, I have plenty.

Okay, I'm done.

Sarah Jo

Frapichillers

I'm pretty sure the day couldn't have been any more perfect.

Right now I'm particularly excited about the frames I found for those funny-sized paintings I got in China. Oh my gosh, they are so perfect.

So many good things, it would take forever to share them and I'm pretty sure the coffee I've had today is starting to wear off.

Sarah Jo

I pretended to play piano today.

Anticipation, constant motion, and noise are my happiness. I find my sadness in disappointment (of hopes too lofty), silence, and stillness. Music is a drug I cannot live without. I don't like unexpected events, but I do like a bit of spontaneity once in a while, as long as I get to decide. I just hate bugs, especially the kind that touch me without my permission, like that spider in BOT today. . . I try not to worry, but I do. I think I'm apathetic about a lot of things that should concern me but I don't care enough to think about it. It still surprises me when people listen. I thought I had more to say along these lines, but my thoughts have shifted.

Kaitlynn cried and reached out for me when I left today. What a great feeling. I mean, I don't like to make small children cry, but I do like being wanted so much they she would cry when I left. That sounds terrible.

Lots of happy stuff today. I met with my advisor and she fixed my freak-out moment and made it all better. I did well on my tests (I think), I had dinner and shopping with Joanie, Elisabeth, and Kaitlynn. I. . . got to talk to Katy. One of the answers on one of my tests was "Xanadu" how great is that?

I really like my classical mythology course. I wish I had someone to talk to about all the wired stories I'm learning. . . I'll just have to go up to random people and say, "Did you know that Athena was born from the forehead of Zeus?" And they will give me strange looks and back away slowly. . .

I took a quiz to find out which goddess I was. Apparently, I'm Hestia, goddess of the hearth. One of three virgin goddesses. Yeah, she keeps the home fires burning.

Okay, I'm done now. Goodnight.

Sarah Jo

Please,

Take me away
to a place where Ill be safe
because
I don’t
I don’t
I don’t want to hurt
anymore.

Take these years
and all my tears
I don’t
I don’t
I don’t want to hurt
anymore

I’ll forfeit my memories
all the beautiful things
that I’ve seen
as long as
I don’t
I don’t
I don’t hurt anymore

I thought I wanted to feel
I thought that would make me real
but now I don’t
I don’t
I don’t want to hurt
anymore

I have no idea what you are talking about. . .

I'm pretty stressed just now and I don't have any way to relieve it. Usually, when I'm stressed there is something I can do about it, to fix it somehow. For example: if I'm stressed about having a test, I study. You know what I mean? But this just stinks, because apparently I'm supposed to know what's going on and I don't and all I can do is wait for a response and what do I do until then because I DO have a test tomorrow but who can study when they are stressed about something so much more important and is this sentence ever going to end? I know my thoughts are all running together as impatience takes over and I lose that self-control that I cling to oh so tightly. . .

Imaginary sand castles

My dream was so vivid I can still feel the cold, gritty, sand under my toes.

I heart you.

I've got so much to look forward to. The Ren fest, the RK concert, and now Fall Holiday. Ashley J wants me to come visit her on fall holiday. She is in Hillsdale, MI. I'm nervous about driving 5 hours by myself, but Robbie said he would go with me if he didn't work, so I hope he goes. I'm so great at getting lost.

I spent the day driving around with my parents. We got lunch and visited the grandparents. It was fun, and it involved a stop at the coffe shop, so thats always great.

Im sad, because my car cd player wont play mp3's. And apparently I cant get another radio, or I would have to have 2 radios, the factory one doesnt come out or something. Sadness, but not for long.

Well, goodnight.

Sarah Jo

I got lots of hugs today. Isn't that the greatest?

I've listened to this song 26 times in 3 days.

I should go to bed, but I just want to communicate. I want to talk. I want to say so many things that I wont say. The words are reverberating inside my head. I want to go out and do things and experience life and new people. I want a new relationship because it is exciting and scary and fun.

Sometimes I think about who might be reading and what I might be comfortable telling you or you. I know that person A disapproves of me sharing so much. Person B truly listens. What do I do? I'm not really living for your approval, after all.

So here I go:

Sometimes I feel like I'm this vacuum of need and I might swallow you whole if you attempt to get too close.

Sometimes I feel so full of life and love and energy that I hate you for trying to take it from me.

Sometimes I don't know who I am. I don't know anything about me. Like I'm so blind to myself. And I get so caught up in trying to be better than I am, that I only see the parts lacking in me.

Sometimes I get so comfortable in my routine that I think I could go on forever doing the same things. Then, other times I hate it because it is missing the one thing that would make me forever happy, and I haven't found it yet.

Sometimes. . .

I don't know what I want. I don't know where I'll go from here.

"Life is but a breath, don't waste it." - The Wedding

I guess I'm done.

Sarah Jo

*smile*

I'm so full of happy today. I wish I could figure out why so I could do it on purpose everyday. Anyway, happiness. Oh, several customers got really mad at me today and that took some of my happy away, but then I got a frappicino and the happy followed. Well, it wasn't just the frappicino, but the really nice people working at Kidd coffee. You should go there, and see the nice, happy people that work there. Or not, you know, because I don't want to tell you what to do.

My three new CD's came in the mail today. Relient K eps. Yep. I'm listening to them now. I cant type and pay attention at the same time. Its not working well.

Chris and I discussed the art of putting french fries on your hamburger today. Also, he said I should put one of his songs on my blog. I told him I would as soon as he wrote one free of cussing, drugs, sex, and violence. So, I guess you won't be experiencing my brothers rap songs any time soon.

Okay, so, I'm going to watch a movie with my dad soon.

Oh, this person I've never heard of is playing at Kidd coffee tomorrow and I want to go.

I'm sleepy. I couldn't go to sleep last night. I'm blaming it on the coffee. Yesterday was the first time I've had coffee, and it was pretty gross. But I drank half of it before I realized just how gross it was. I'm having bad taste flashbacks, and then it stole my sleep from me. Gross.

Oh yes, movie.

I've said "oh" a lot.

Goodbye.

Sarah Jo

Hey, do you remember

the suncreen song?

New music for Sarah Jo

I got iTunes and downloaded some new songs. I have to share this one with you.

But a Breath by The Wedding

This is what happens when I leave out the structure:

I want to SING. La, la, la. I thought I could, and I know I would if I had the courage to be brave. I know your name and see your face. La, la, la, la. Im just making it up as I go along. I would sing you the sweetest of songs. . .

I wish I could play the piano. In music class today we wrote a short melody as a class. It was so cool. And it was pretty. I want to write music. Its like I have all this song in me and no outlet for it. Of course, talent would be a major consideration and I'm pretty sure I lack the necessary creative abilities and music reading skills. Anyway. . . that will be my make-believe when-I-grow-up dream.

Consume me
I want to be consumed by you
take me
I want to be taken with you
let everything that I am
be everything that you are
and tell me what to do
tell me what to say
for my words aren't enough
I'm never enough
never without you
and let me breathe you
tie me up and bind me with you
hold me
closer and closer and closer
never let me run away
I'll do as you say

So that wasn't planned. It doesn't feel done either. I think I'll call it Captive.
Now I've run out of things to say and it feels strange posting a poem so naked, but I want to post it because its exactly how I'm feeling right now. And sleepy. Definitely sleepy.

Sarah Jo

(Please excuse the language.)

HOLY CRAP! How did I forget about the Renaissance Festival?

*is much excited*

Sarah Jo

More Relient K nonsense.

Wow, so there is going to be a string quartet tribute to Relient K. You can see the track listing here, but you have to scroll down quite a bit.

Also, you can listen to the whole thing streaming, but you have to register. Still, its free. So, if you are interested go here and register (at the top) and then scroll down and go into the "registered users listening room" You'll find Relient K in there someplace. Its so good.

Hey, did you know that they are going to be in Kings Island in October?

Okay, I'm done.

Sarah Jo

I think I had three dreams.

Wow, I had a bad dream last night. Well, I guess it wasn't too bad because I wasn't scared or anything. I dreamed I was on some sort of journey with this group of people and all of a sudden it was the end of the world. This huge volcano just pushed itself out of the ground right in the middle of a cornfield. We had to run to get away from the lava falling from the sky. And then the earth started cracking open along rows of corn and lava was spewing out the cracks and the group got separated and it was just me and this girl. We finally got out of the fiery cornfield and entered the grounds of a scary looking mansion when every nightmare creature from every movie or book I've ever seen, and some I haven't started appearing and going after people. I was so scared at that moment that I decided to close my eyes because I thought if I couldn't see them, it wouldn't be so bad. I just held onto the girl I was walking with. But then these two creatures clothed in black came at us and I had to open my eyes. They pulled us apart and took her off and left me alone. I knew I had to keep walking. I was following a dirt path and just looking at the chaos around me and realized that I couldn't see anyone anymore. There was a sign on the side of the road made out of a cardboard box nailed to a stake. Written on it in big, black, sloppy, dripping, paint-letters, "This is all a bad dream" And it didn't occur to me until after I woke up that it was, in fact, a bad dream. But that wasn't the end. I remember realizing that the nightmares couldn't touch me. These nightmares were punishment for sin and I'd been forgiven already. With that thought, I knew there had to be other people out there somewhere. I wasn't alone anymore. As soon as I thought that, this boy comes around the corner of the path on a motorcycle. He smiled and I knew everything was going to be alright.

My very first thought when I woke up was: That would make a great movie!

At the family party today, we watched some home videos of old birthday parties, Halloween, thanksgiving, ect. . . One of the tapes was Laurens b-day party and it had Grandpa singing happy birthday to her on it. He was the only one singing. I cried. Will I ever stop missing him?

Sarah Jo

Duplicity

you don't do what you say
and you are always late
you make me feel inadequate
and unworthy of love
you only take take take
and you don't listen to me
you say things that you think
would hurt me
just to get a reaction
and you lie to me

How can you say you love me?

Sarah Jo

A music meme.

So I got this from m0st want3d 3ng!n33r. So basically you pick a band or musical artist and try to use their song titles to answer the following questions. Of course, I picked Relient K.


Name of the Band: Relient K

Are you male or female? Nancy Drew

Describe yourself? Those Words are Not Enough

How do some people feel about you? I am Understood?

How do you feel about yourself? Who I am Hates Who I've Been

Describe an ex boy friend or girlfriend: Less is More

Describe you current boyfriend/husband or girlfriend/wife: The One I'm Waiting For

Describe where you want to be: Balloon Ride

Describe how you live: Apathetic Way to Be

Describe how you love: From End to End

Share a few words of wisdom: The Only Thing Worse Than Beating a Dead Horse is Betting On One.

Care to share?

Take a moment, if you will, and think about something that makes you really happy.

Mine is God, music, babies, Relient K (yes, they are music but they totally deserve their own category), sunny skies, exciting new books, okay any books, pedicures, time with friends, mint chocolate chip frappicinos, and hugs.

That list isn't all-inclusive or in any order other than what I thought of first.

Now tell me yours.

Sarah Jo

Kaleidoscopic

Look at me and tell me what you see.
Am I everything you thought I'd be?
Do you find your hopes and dreams in me?
Can you see the inconsistencies?

Listen to the music of my soul.
It is changing more than you could know.
If you love me, you'll have to move oh so slow.
And that is something I don't say, I show.

I am innocence, naivete, and fear.
And I will run if you draw too near.
You have promised me that love will persevere.
I'll be waiting here.

Now my nails are Barbie pink.

Ashley and I had our "spoil day." It included a manicure, two frappicinos (each), dinner, and shopping. It was much fun. Now I'm sleepy. Goodnight.

Sarah Jo

"In time I will defeat this. . ."

I'm in this place again. I can feel the darkness under my skin. When I am happy I feel like I have wonderful sunshine inside, like Sunny-D in my veins. Today its grape kool-aid. Warm grape kool-aid. Eww. And the worst part is that when I'm in "a mood" I don't want out of it. Do you know what I mean? I just want to dwell in it for a good long time and feel sorry for myself. But I musn't do that. I must find my happy and get back to the sunshine.

Sarah Jo

ta ta ti ti ta

I came and everyone was grumpy. And then they all left. Now, I'm alone. And hungry. And tired. But mostly happy. Boo on you grumpy people and your infectious blah-ness, get thee behind me! Or something. I'm going to go look for some food now, and people, but mostly food.

Sarah Jo

"And you recite my words right back to me"

Hmm, so I'm thinking and I don't have anyone to talk to so I think I'll write. I know I should go to bed, but I don't want to just yet. I knew this would happen when I decided to go for desert at dinner tonight. It was well worth it, to spend another 15 minutes laughing. Tonight was dinner with everyone from work. I really enjoyed it. I could tell you why but then I would have to tell you every little funny thing and that would get boring and things are never as funny when you re-tell them. So, we laughed the whole time and it made me happy.

School really stresses me out and I'm trying my best not to be. I want to enjoy everyday, not loathe it. What if today was my last day and I had spent the better half of it worrying about homework? So I have homework, I'll do it. No need to worry about it every waking moment. But saying all this is much easier than actually doing it.

I always over analyze things. I try to put things in pretty little boxes with categories. Life doesn't fit in my boxes. This reminds me of Dr. Cheney Duvall and her pretty little bottles, but nevermind because you don't know anything about that. Where was I? Boxes. And emotions, I can't keep a handle on those either. Mind you, I try very hard. I like control, and well, I can't always control everything. And I get confused and lost somewhere between who I was, who I am, and who I am trying to be. I don't think I am making any sense, but I'll keep going because its making me feel better. I just wish I knew what happened in the end so that I don't have to waste any time going in the wrong direction. Like, if I end up North, than I would like to know so I don't spend all this time going south. But then, what if I end up north because I went south first? This example is leading neither of us anywhere.

The sleepiness is starting to come.

I just need some room to breathe because I feel so trapped right now. My every day is already scheduled. It was okay in the summer time because even though I worked full time, I had plenty of time to myself when I was off work. Now, when I'm off work I'm at school or I have homework to read. And even if I'm not doing homework, I'm feeling guilty about not doing the homework. Like this very moment, if I had started reading one of my books instead of writing, I certainly would have fallen asleep quickly. But I wanted to do this and shouldn't I do want I want to do in addition to what I need to do?

And then this reminds me that I get distracted so often and I worry and get all upset and stressed over stuff that is so temporary. I'll just give it all to God.

I've got this stack of papers on my desk. They are the lyrics to my favorite worship songs. Whenever I need a few moments to just "chill" and stop worrying about everything, I just pick one up and sing it. I just concentrate fully on the song and that's where I find my happy. My happy song for the last week or so has been Sonicflood- I want to Know You.

Wow, my fingers hurt. I bet your eyes hurt too. Okay then, I'll call it a night. This is so one of those times that I could stay up all night talking to someone, but everyone is asleep and I need to be too. Oh yes, I was trying to say goodnight.

Goodnight.
Sarah Jo

Secret Place

I’ll take my sorrows
and pour them out my
fingertips
and praise You.

You find me in my darkness
my failure
my disappointment
and You take them all away
and give me Your joy

My heart is a canvas for You.
wash me clean and
make me what you You will
I am beautiful when I am
with You

You are my comfort
my secret place
my delight

I wish for nothing
but to know You more
to be closer to You
may my every footstep
lead me to You

I want to be
a living song
for You
and my very life
bring You praise.

Oh, God of comfort
Oh, Lord of Peace
speak to me tonight.

What matters to you does not matter to me. . .

I've been singing this song all day long. You should listen to it, like, because I said so.

I feel like I would like to be somewhere else . . .

Work today was pretty awesome. I just love everybody I work with. I came home from work and did a little homework, but I got distracted and helped Christopher with his homework. He does school online now. Yep. Dad I and went to the grocery. I made fudge. Chocolate. Now I'm just procrastinating some more. Okay, I'm done.

Sarah Jo

To the Author of my heartsong:

What if I live in anticipation
of things that will never happen
Is that okay?
(I'm so happy anyway)

What if I wait for my prince charming
who'll never find me
but I'm so happy anyway
Is that okay?

And lately I've found
that the things I long for
are things I abhor
when they are in my hands.
I'll never need them
as long as I can reach them.

And in this moment
I only want to be
happy with me.

And I see the You love me
and I need confirmation
every day
every day

Take me,
once again,
to that place where
the world melts away
and there is only Your voice
oh,
take me there.

The fulfillment I seek
is everything You are.

Quick! Pretend I said something clever! (you've heard that one before)

I had another wonderful day. Work was just awesome. Yes my friends, it was. I cant think of anything in paticular that I'd like to share. I mean, happy stuff happened but it would be hard to tell you because then I would have to share things I didn't before just to tell you what happy thing just happened. And that would be even more complicated than that last sentence. SO. . . I'm happy. Well, Im usually happy, but today it was easier. Happiness is a choice, I believe. But I cant remember weather or not I've said that so I 'll stop there.

I'm sleepy.

Work tomorrow and I'm so excited because I get to wear my new jeans that are a size smaller. I totally like results. But, I kind of blew it with the pizza tonight. Oh well. I'll just be extra good tomorrow or something.

I need to buy a planner. I've got all this stuff floating around in my head that would work much better on paper. Like how much to read for each class by when. Classical mythology is going to be the best class. Or at least the most fun class. I'll get to do a project on the clothing of ancient Greece, and I like clothes. But more important than all that is that tomorrow is Saturday and that means fun time, right?

Okay, I guess I'll go do some reading, since I have a pile of it to do.

Sarah Jo

Stupid HTML

I'm going to blog because I don't know what else to do with myself. And I'm going to talk about things that aren't important so that I don't talk about the things that are.

Someone vandalized my brothers car last night. Three tires are flat and the windshield was broken by a large rock. What a terrible thing. He just got it in running condition last night, and he wakes up on his birthday to find his car in such a condition. So, my dad got him another car today. I think it is much nicer but he thinks its not cool. Of course he doesn't, its not the car he wanted. I feel so sorry for him.

Other than that though, I had a wonderful day. I got to sleep in because my first class isn't until 10 and then they had the kick-off picnic at school so I enjoyed that. After school I went to curves and worked out. It felt quite liberating. I just put all my negative energy into the machines until I was tired but very satisfied. Then I went to Fashion Bug and bought myself a new outfit because I have not done that for awhile, it seems. Betty was working and I ran to her and attacked her with a hug. She is the best hugger ever. Hugs are the greatest ever, they just fill you up inside. I hugged my daddy today too. The first time he tried to hug me one-armed so I made him set his stuff down and hug me the right way: two arms and squeeze. When I came home, I drove my brother and my dad to look at the car he was going to buy. Now Chris is showing his car off to his friends. When he gets back, we are going to the Golden Corral. I'm taking him out for his birthday. I sure hate seeing him be hurt so much. Okay, I think he's home and I've run out of not-important stuff to tell you.

I love you,
Sarah Jo

Who I am hates who I've been

I just have to share this quote from Matthew Thiessen from Relient K with you "I did not buy a switchblade and mug two old ladies for their prescription meds in an attempt to subside the aching drug addiction that I do not have."
that reminds me of a song lyric by him "and I just want to get mugged at knifepoint, to get cut enough to wake me up. . ."

Other than that, school started blah blah blah. Homework and such. I just hate homework. I like . . . well, stuff that's not homework.

I'm totally taking a nap tomorrow. I probably won't, really, but the thought of it is enough to make me smile in the morning. *smile*

Wow, I'm going to have to turn the music off because I find it very distracting. *turns music off*

My professor let us out of class 2 hours early today, so I had time to do my homework. Joy of joys.

Well, I have lots of things I'm thinking that I'm not going to say, and that leaves little to say. So, goodnight.

Sarah Jo

Oh geez

Thanks for that, Ash.

Hey guess what? My mother wrecked my brothers car today. She ran into a parked car because she's swift like that. Anyway, she's busted her mouth up and she has a concussion, however its spelled. And the car is in bad shape. Consequently, I'll be driving Christopher to school this week.

Well, thats all the news. I'm done.

Guess what?

Matthew Thiessen has a new song on purevolume, but its really sad. Anyway, I like anything he writes. You could so listen to Relient K while you're hanging out at purevolume, you know, because everyone should.

Sarah Jo

"Say-wa! I'm firsty!"

I've had a very lovely day. The day started off with lunch and shopping with my grandma, Joanie, Linda, and the girls (Emilie, Elisabeth, and Kaitlynn.) Emilie and Elisabeth rode with me in my car. I felt quite grown up hauling two children around town. (okay so, it was just a couple blocks, but still) They continued to stick with me in the store, until they started fighting and went running to their respective mothers. After that I went home. My brother talked me and Dad into going out to Hara Arena for some closeout sale. It was just like a flea market, smells and all. Since we were in Dayton anyway, I had to stop and starbuck and get my frappacino fix.
So here I am with plent of day left and no more ideas. I'll think of something.

I might write again later. I guess that depends on how bored I get.

Sarah Jo

Since I won't see you tonight:

So, I'm spending the night with the girls, and I plan on sleeping in, or not. I do have to get up in time to go to the bank to make an extra car payment. I am SO close, you don't understand. I can't wait to pay the thing off. Sigh.

And I had a great day at work today. It was very busy, but that's to be expected on a Friday and I kept thinking I'm off on Saturday, I'm off on Saturday.

This morning when I woke up I exclaimed to no one in particular that it wasn't fair. Then I realized that I was talking to myself and decided to sing instead, that's less weird.

Nothing new.

Okay now, I have to go pack my bag and head out to Germantown. I hope you had a great day. In fact, you should tell me all about it.

You have the floor. . .

Sarah Jo

When no one else cares where I've been. . .

I had this really nice customer today. It was great. Let me tell you how he was so nice: I was in the middle of telling him something he didn't want to hear, the part where most people get mad, and I was trying to say it very clearly and very nicely so that maybe he wouldnt yell at me. He says, "Sarah, I'm not going to get mad at you." And it wasn't one of those joking kind of statements where they end up getting mad anyway. He looked straight at me and said it so seriously that I felt like I had nothing to worry about at all. It was like he knew about every customer that had ever yelled at me and he was promising to not be like that. I don't know if I can explain it well. Have you ever met anyone that. . . just seemed to know things? And I guess it was because he said my name. I know I wear it everyday, but no one ever says it. And a little bit later he says, "You giggle alot don't you?" Anyway, I've just run out of things to say on the matter but I just wanted to express how much difference one nice person can make in a day. It really helped.

I went out to dinner with Joanie, Elisabeth, and Kaitlynn tonight at the chinese restuarant. It was the three year anniversary of the day Joanie got Elisabeth. It was much fun. After dinner we walked over to Kmart and I got the girls each a toy and Joanie did the same. Elisabeth was so grateful. She must have thanked me a dozen times and told me that she loves me after each one. It was cute.

Last night I dreamt I was driving alone and I didn't know how to get where I wanted to end up, but I knew I would get there and that it would be great once I arrived.

And can you believe I have homework and I havent even started class yet? Hmph.
SO. . . I need to go get clean because I don't feel that way and then do my homework, the humanity.

Sarah Jo

What?

Why do I keep getting junk e-mail advertising natural male enhancement? Does that sound like something that would interest me?

Sarah Jo

Did I get any Galatians on my cheek?

I fell asleep reading my Bible, then I woke up. Here I am.

Oh yeah, I'm having a pampered chef party on Sept. 2 at 7pm if you want to come. I just like to buy kitchen stuff.

My every muscle is humming with the satisfaction that sleep brings. Naps are evil.

Goodnight then.

Sarah Jo

*growl*

Sadness. I didn't find my happy until nearly 2 o'clock today. It was inside a can of mountain dew. Naturally, I had to drink the whole can because my happy was on the bottom. Its terrible to have to resort to such levels. I shall need no pop for some time now.

In other news, there is no other news. I've got about ten minutes before I go out to dinner and I thought this would be a nice way to waste it.

I'm hungry.

Now its more like seven minutes.

I know! I'll go change my clothes.
Happiness.

Sarah Jo

You probably don't care, but. . .

I'm really enjoying my new Building 429 CD. I shall share some of my favorite lyrics from the CD with you:

"My life's an open book
Nothing is hidden when you look
You break through my boundaries
Revealing my insecurities"

"This twisted road eventually, is gonna lead you back to Me"

"I spent the night inside myself
But I haven't found me yet. . .
So I will never find the best of me
Until I find myself in You"

This whole song, No one else knows

"My actions fail to show
And in spite of me you seem to know
That I only want to love you
I cant make it on my own"


Anyway, that's what I have been listening to. (And singing as loud as I can.)

Sarah Jo

"Cant make no vows, to a herd of cows!"

Last night I slept so good. And it was great because I got to sleep in as long as I wanted, which turned out to be 10:30. When I woke up, I didn't want to get out of bed. That is unusual because I am normally am ready to get up and get dressed as soon as I open my eyes. This morning I just wanted to lay there and hug my pillow and hide under the covers.

My bed does look awfully pretty now that I've changed the bedding from pink to blue. It only makes sense that a bed named Howard should be blue. Everything is so crisp, fluffy, fresh, and smelly-good. Wouldn't you want to stay there all day long? But, I have dragged myself out of the cocoon of comfort.

I was having such a detail dream too, darn it.

Oh yes, I was making an attempt at organized thought. Its not working very well. I woke up this morning with "Lonesome Polecat" stuck in my head because one of the people in my dream was humming it. Wait, that means I heard stuff. That's exciting. And I was looking at CD's in my dream too and I could read them. I also remember reading a ticket too. Anyway. . .

I'm just avoiding the part where I get dressed and start the day.
Okay, here I go.

Sarah Jo

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."


This makes me think about all the people I love and how I behave towards them.

Am I patient? Am I kind? Do I envy? Do I boast? Am I proud? Am I rude? Am I self-seeking? Am I easily angered? Do I keep a record of wrongs? Do I delight in evil? Do I rejoice in truth? Do I always protect, trust, hope, and persevere?

I definitely see some room for improvement. What about you?

*YAWN*

I'm very sleepy. I had much more interesting things to say (we'll pretend) but then I sat down and got really sleepy. I think I'll go do something that requires me moving.

Sarah Jo

EWWWW!

I just smashed a fly in my bible. I thought it would move!

Several embarrassing moments, 2 voids, 2 damaged temp tags, 1 correction letter. . .

I am SO not having a good day. Well, actually, it started last night when I came home to find my mom freaking out because I was out until 9 o'clock. 9 o'clock? Nine-o-clock? Give me a break. I was so mad. She comes running at me when I come through the door, "I"M SO GLAD YOU'RE HOME! I WAS SO WORRIED!" Oh my goodness. I told her where I was going, I called her when I got there to let her know I was okay. What more does she want? Anyway, since my bad day started at 9 last night it better expire by 9 tonight, that's all I have to say about that. No, not really. I have much more to say about that. I messed up so much today. It was so bad that my boss told me I could just go straight home after cashing out without cleaning. I did. I even skipped curves. I went to go pay my car insurance and nearly locked my keys in the car with it running. I come home and there's no place to park so I'm out behind the garage again which means I'll have to wait till someone gets home to make my presence known, or Mom will freak out again. So, its okay for everyone else to disappear for hours without telling me where they are, but if I disappear for hours and TELL her where I am, she gets upset. I know, I know, she's just worried about me, right? Well, she's smothering me. She's going to worry me right into moving out, that's for sure. Sigh. I'm done complaining now.

Maybe.

Sarah Jo

You make my words fail me.

I tried to write a poem about you, but it didn't work very well. My poetry has always been a way to say things I can't say outright, and I feel I could tell you everything. I had a few lines, but they didn't go together at all.

My skin is alive with the thought of you
Your name is a smile on my lips
I am strung tight with anticipation
as I move closer and closer to you

But you already knew all that.
Oh well.

Sarah Jo

Repetition:

So, I know I've posted this poem before, but I want to say the same thing now that I said then, and I said it the right way the first time.

Your go-to girl
Let me be
your
go-to girl
Let mine be
the shoulder
you cry on
I want to be strong
for you
I want to love you
oh,
like you've never been loved before
And like I've never loved before
I have had
salt stains
on my fingers before,
I can hold your tears too
I will cradle you
when you feel broken
Or just when you need
to be cradled
When you are falling over
I can prop you up
Let me be your
happy times

while I try to be
honestly me
let me see
honestly you.

Let me be your
go-to girl

I shall dedicate this post to Miss Ashley C because I miss her and I don't like talking on the phone:

We have to do something together because I've been terribly bored and I miss you. I'm SO off work Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Three days in a row? I don't know what I'll do with myself so you must come rescue me from impending death by boredom.

I love you,
Sarah Jo

P.S. You have no choice, I know where you live.

Im always a bad driver in my dreams.

Apparently I caused quite a bit of fuss today and I'll tell you why:

I came home from work to find that there was nowhere to park on the street in front of my house, so I pulled through the alley and parked behind the garage. I never do that and you cant see the car back there unless you walk behind the garage into the alley. I then went inside the house to find everyone gone. No note, no message, no nothing. I took a nap. Okay, I took a long nap. It lasted two hours. When I woke up (at 4) my brother and his girlfriend were home and I scared them because they thought I was gone. They told me to call my mom at Grandma's house. She was a little freaked out. "Where have you been? Do you know where I thought you were?" I'm a little offended. Have I ever disappeared without telling someone where I was going and when I would be home? Even when I get mad and leave they know I'm going to Walmart and that I'll be back home as soon as Dad gets home from work. Did no one think to knock on my bedroom door, just in case? I'll just start leaving notes and they will say :

Dear Mom,
I'm asleep in my room. No, I didn't run off to Vegas to elope with some man I''ve never told you about. No, I didn't go in secret to get something pierced or tattooed. No, I did not find an attractive corner to sell my body on. No, I haven't formed an addictive habit to some drug. If you don't trust me, just knock on the door and I'll answer. If you do trust me, I'll stop leaving these notes.
Love,
your "missing" child

Anyway, naps are a great thing until that moment you have to wake up, that's the worst. I dreamt during my nap. I dreamed that I got pulled over for speeding that the cop was a mean lady who I was pretty sure wasn't a cop. Her and some man made me get in my backseat and they got in my car and started driving us somewhere. I guess I'll spare all the details. Then I drifted into another dream where I was dancing with some man in the kitchen of a mountain lodge and he spun me around and it was wonderful. Then I dreamt I was watching a movie with one of my co-workers. How can I dream so much and remember from a nap, but I don't remember what I dreamed last night? And that's what I wanted to remember. . .

And here is some sound advice:

I recently read a passage in the Bible that I liked so much that I wanted to make a list out of it to remind me everyday. Ronnie said I should put it on my blog, so here it is:

Romans 12:9-21

Love must be sincere.
Hate what is evil; cling to what is good.
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.
Honor one another above yourselves.
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.
Be joyful in hope,
patient in affliction,
faithful in prayer.
Share with God's people who are in need.
Practice hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you;
bless and do not curse.
Rejoice with those who rejoice;
mourn with those who mourn.
Live in harmony with one another.
Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.
Do not be conceited.
Do not repay anyone evil for evil.
Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay,"says the Lord.
On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.