Tuesday, June 29, 2010

My feelings are always all over my face. And in my hands. I don't know why one some people see that. And those people see it REALLY well. Everyone else thinks I'm happy every time I smile.

Monday, June 28, 2010

I'm kind of glad I only got 3 days notice.

He really is leaving. I folded and packed the evidence. Carried it with him out to his car. The closing of the trunk felt so final.

I know it is only 4.5 hours away. I'll see him once a month or so. But it isn't going to be the same. He is working when I'm just getting home. He gets off work and I'll be sleeping. I can't even text him. Or I can and I'll get those delayed responses. What am I going to say?

How was your day?
Good. How was your day?
Good too. I miss you already.
Don't be silly, Sarah Jo. It's only been a couple days.
I know, you just feel so far away.
You'll see me soon enough.

It won't be the same. Before we would see each other often enough to share all the details about the times in between.

What have you been doing since I last saw you?
Well Monday I did this with this person and these were the good and bad parts. And Tuesday . . . .

But now all those little details that make me feel like I really know him, that make me feel close to him, they'll be insignificant. He won't tell me stories about strangers that are his friends and what they talked about and where they went and what he thought about all of it. He might say, "I've just been working and looking for an apartment and hanging out with so and so."

He can tell me that he'll come home once a month. He can say we'll talk on the phone. And I can say I'll visit him as often as I can. But we won't be the same kind of friends anymore. And I know that these things happen. And I know it isn't a big freaking deal. But I'm still sad about it.

He is leaving. The evidence is in the long hug goodbye and my tears on his t-shirt. He told me not to look so sad. I promised to think about something else on the drive home so I wouldn't cry. I wasn't able to do either one of those things.

He is leaving tomorrow. But I guess, for me, he is already gone.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Have you seen the bills that were on my desk?

Me: Why did you clean my room?!
Mom: I was trying to be nice.
Me: Haven't I asked you not to ever, ever clean my room again?
Mom: Yes. But I just wanted to vacuum and there were things on the floor and I just wanted to move them...
Me: Do you know where my book went?
Mom: I didn't see a book.
Me: It was one of the things on the floor.
Mom: I don't remember seeing a book.
Me: It was on the floor right next to my bed between the trash can and my bed. I dropped it on the floor after reading last night before I went to bed.
Mom: If there was a book I would have put it on your desk.
Me: Where did my fan go?
Mom: I took it to your grandpa's to clean it out with the shopvac. It was dusty. And then I forgot it. Do you want my fan?
Me: No. I want my fan. And I want my things to stay where I put them. And I want you to stay out of my room.
Mom: I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I was trying to be nice. Can't you be appreciative?
Me: I've asked you SEVERAL times to stop cleaning my room.
Mom: Okay! I won't do it again.
Me: This is what you said last time.

I would write even MORE if I wasn't so tired.

I need to talk. Or sit next to someone while we watch a movie and I hold your hand and put my head on your shoulder and pretend that even when everything isn't okay, at least you're here.

I'll tell you about my day.

No one cares what happened at work. SO

Robbie and I went to get iced lattes because we both stayed up too late and got up too early. Who wants to go to bed early on a Friday night? Who wants to get up early for work on Saturday? Not us, anyway. And we had Columbus plans.

Except, at the coffee shop we realized we didn't actually get addresses for our destinations. So we went to my house to research addresses and get my GPS. Done. Then the drive, of course. We laughed and sang a lot, of course.

Our first destination was the Smartcar dealership because I made fun of Robbie when he refused to pretend we were married and go test drive a Subaru a couple weeks ago. After I told him he wasn't a real man at least a dozen times he promised to take me to test drive a Smartcar. So we did that. Actually, it took awhile to actually find a sales person and while we searched for someone, my phone rang.

Something horrible happened.

It was my mother calling to inform me that my father was in jail. At least, that is what she eventually informed me of after she got done crying and wailing. I came to several conclusions during said crying and wailing: This was not the first or the last time one of my immediate family members was in jail. She wanted me to bail him out without actually asking me to do it. I wasn't going to do it. Therefore; there was nothing I could do for her but listen. I listened. Gave her advice. And then decided not to follow my normal course of action (getting upset, crying about it too, worrying) and instead continue with the Columbus plan with Robbie.

Robbie talked to the sales person as I gained my composure. We eventually went as far as having a fake disagreement about how he wanted a sensible SUV and I wanted a cute little car. Oh. Also, he promised he would drive the car "balls to the wall" for me. Turns out, Smartcars don't do that. Actually, my intense desire for one faded quite a bit after the test drive. Oh well.

(Robbie and I in the Smartcar. I know you can't tell, but I AM wearing clothes.)

Then, North Market. We walked around a bit and got smoothies but it is apparently Comfest this weekend in Columbus and there were SO MANY PEOPLE. So after getting smoothies we decided to head back over to Easton mall.

We walked around quite a bit and ended up playing in the two fountains. One was a regular fountain where we sat on the edge and dangled our feet in the water. The other was one of those that sprays water out of holes in the ground at different intervals. We took turns running through the fountain, trying not to get wet. And we also did things like going into the phone book and walking all the way around a revolving door without going inside. We acted silly. It was fun. We had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen and checked out Barnes and Noble for awhile. It started to pour the rain and we ran in it, getting pretty soaked but it was very, very temporary rain.

We decided to go to the Cheesecake factory at the Greene on the way home (because the Columbus one had a long, long wait) and between being tired and talking so much and partly because of the GPS we ended up somewhere in downtown Dayton. Bad idea. But we eventually made it to the Cheesecake factory for dessert.

Robbie listened as I told him how much I was going to miss Jeremy and how I felt like I had to pretend I was okay and that it didn't bother me at all because that's what I should feel, right? He told me he didn't understand how girls worked but that no one should ever make me feel like I should or shouldn't feel a certain way. You can't help it, he said. And he understood that. He told me that everything works out for the best, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

We walked around the Greene a bit before going home. I got an update about the jail situation (which apparently worked itself out without my intervention) and then he dropped me off at my car, still in the work parking lot.

It felt like several days, and not just one. And I had so much fun. I'm glad he kept me away from the drama at  home. And he distracted me from worrying about my friend moving away. So it was a good day, with horrible, horrible parts.

Friday, June 25, 2010


Untri. That was one of those fake words to verify that I'm not a robot. Type the word you see in the box. And it is all wavy and hard to read.

I was leaving a comment and that word appears to me like the answer in a magic 8 ball to a question I didn't know I was asking. It said "untri" but to my eyes it was one side of a floating pyramid and it said "un-try".

My question: What else can I do? No matter what I do, I just keep messing stuff up.

Stop trying to be so many things and just be. Like Ashley said, I can't force myself into feeling things. I keep trying that. Beating my own heart with a hammer. It just adds guilt and feelings of failure to the mix. I can't do it. When I say I'm going to stop and I just can't. I can't.

Sometimes he says the most insensitive things and doesn't even know it. And sometimes he does know it. And I care too much so that I read too much into what he does or doesn't say. That isn't fair. I can't win an argument with him and sometimes when I leave I feel angry and hurt and insecure. Sometimes I have to rewind the day to see if it really was a good night or not. And it's hard inviting him to hang out with my friends because he always has something bad to say about them. He is pessimistic (he would say realist) and I'm optimistic. And he is usually right. He keeps pointing out things that are wrong with me and it sucks because they are true. I feel like I'm spending too much time trying to figure out what the hell he wants and I wish he would just tell me because I also feel like I am always, always disappointing him in ways I could never anticipate.

But he makes me feel like he sees who I really am and not just the happy, fluffy version other people see. He is smart and complex in a way that makes me want to keep figuring him out. He challenges me. Makes me want to be wilder and stronger and more assertive and more daring. He always smells nice, even when he is smoking. He says the most shocking things and I like that. He doesn't try to be like everyone else. He is so strong. Strong in character. He doesn't waver. He knows what he wants and to me it seems he controls the atmosphere in the room. The direction of the conversation. Strong physically. I see his muscles moving under his skin and I know that I can't win in his fake-fighting matches. I have no chance. He is fast and clever and just strong. And I find that really attractive. I like arguing with him. It's fun. And sometimes the way he looks at me makes my heart race and my hands shake. Every once in a while I'll get a glimpse of the parts of him that aren't strong and that makes me respect him even more. Makes him more real. He is silly and caring and fun. The best listener. Beautiful voice. And I really think he wants to be good, even when he says he wants to be bad.

Boring for you to read, I understand.

But how I tell you the good things? I call my friends when my feelings are hurt and I need someone to talk to. But I don't need anyone to talk to when I'm driving home and I can't stop smiling even though I'm all alone now. I don't need to tell about his witty text messages or how he says exactly the right thing. So its a skewed view. I can't even tell you when I'm scared because I thought I was perfectly okay with just-friends feelings and then he looks at me like that and well, I like it. Even when it hurts. Because I want to be looked at that way.

And now he is leaving. I'm sure it will eventually be a welcome relief to not have to force myself to only feel and think about certain things. He'll be gone. I'll forget about it for days at a time. Maybe weeks.

But for today, it feels very much like losing my friend. Because I worry too much. And no amount of promises about the future will make me feel better. Promises are garbage. Hope is a knife. The future is always too far away. I'm just here, today. And today he said he is going away.

It's morning.

And I DO feel better. But I'm still hesitating in the middle of the book, unwilling to get any closer to its end.

My inner dialogue:

(This is going to make very little sense.)

Epic freaking fail.

Your hands. Your arms. Your lips and eyes and your face as a whole. Your hands. Your feet. Those legs. And your ass. And your HANDS. And then your chest and your stomach and your back. Maybe not that order. Your lips lips lips. Your hands.

All things come to an end. I know this. Good things. Bad things. And I start worrying about the end before we even near it. Make it not hurt! I pray to whatever god. Make me ready for the ending. Help me not mourn it when it is over. I pause in the middle of books and contemplate never reading more. Then it won't have to end. And here I am vacillating between readiness and a death grip. This isn't working.

You're right. I'm wrong. Easy to say. So easy. But I don't think you see everything. Or I don't see you seeing everything.

This dress. And the things you aren't allowed doing to it. Why would it not be a good idea? I lied. I just wouldn't be content with one thing. Either stop staring or start using your hands. One or the other.

And when I said I wasn't drinking tonight, you took it the complete wrong way.

Resolve. Something I completely lack. Watch me painting futures in my head. See how they change? As permanent as shifting clouds. Dissipate. Float across the sun.

Slow down. Think about something else. Something else. Something else.

I am a paper figure. I look so strong. But see how I bend? See how the creases never quite come out? That isn't really a backbone. I'm not really so strong. I just don't fight the wind.

Sometimes I think there is a public version of you and a different version of you when we're alone. And I really like one of  those versions. And sometimes even when we're alone I get the public you. I can tell the difference. It makes me want to hide from you too.

I stack up all the bad things in my head. Repeat them over and over. Emphasize and exaggerate them until I almost feel like I can not care so freaking much. But it doesn't matter. Because I love you. You. Not just the good parts or the charming parts or the parts that don't hurt me.

Something else. Something else. Something else.

The blanket all saturated in his scent wrapped around my shoulders, filling every breath.
Friend friend friend. He is a friend. JUST a friend.
His hands on my neck for the briefest of moments. My racing heart.
Friend friend friend.
The smile across the darkness.
The compliment. The open staring.

Something else. Something else. Work.Or my plans for tomorrow. Or the fact that he is going away. Too far away. 4.5 hour drive. Too far to see him once a week. Once a month, maybe.

All things come to an end. Is this what is happening?
He promises there will never be an end. We'll be old and he'll still be bitching at me about whatever it is that makes old men mad. I don't understand his surety. I keep finding endings. Too many endings. And some I made myself.

Maybe everything will be okay. Just fine. Things always seem less serious in the morning.

At any rate:
Epic fail for Sarah Jo. Good job at not caring. Good job at taking a step back. Epic, epic fail.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Chicago! (Skip this post if you don't freaking care about it.) :)

The links are all for extra detail, if you're REALLY interested.

I woke up early Friday morning so I could meet Robbie for breakfast before Jeremy and I left for Chicago. Robbie was supposed to be at my house at 7 and I waited till 7:15 to text him when he didn't arrive. His alarm clock didn't go off and he said he wouldn't make it until 8. With that news, we relocated the breakfast to a restaurant closer to my house to save time (because I didn't want to cancel it altogether.) It was a nice breakfast as Robbie made me laugh like usual and listened to my worries.

Eventually I got back home and left for Jeremy's house. We began a long drive interrupted only by a stop at Mcdonald's for lunch (I know, I said I would never eat there again) and some pretty amazing windmills along the highway in Indiana. Who knew there were so many? Chicago traffic was pretty horrendous and we eventually resorted to a road-trip game. We took turns telling one sentence at a time of a story, taking turns starting the next sentence with the next letter of the alphabet. I believe Jeremy began the first story with, "Aardvark sure is some good eatin, Ma!" It deteriorated from there. We laughed quite a bit and made up several ridiculous stories while making very little progress on the highway.

It turns out my hotel in Chicago was actually well outside of Chicago and that when I say I need help picking out the hotel I'm not lying. It was a nice place but it took a long time to get anywhere from there. We arrived at whatever-time-it-was and got to the room just in time for the power to go out. Actually, the power going out was preceded by a loud whoosh and followed by a wall of rain approaching our window. We watched the storm for some time before deciding that it would last longer than our ability to wait for dinner.

We braved the rain and plugged into the GPS the restaurant Katelyn suggested, Kuma's Corner. With all the lights out for I-don't-know-how-many blocks, it took quite awhile to get there. It was worth it. By the time we parked the rain stopped and the clouds magically disappeared. The normal really long wait seemed to have disappeared with the rain and before we knew it we were seated at the bar. I got a burger called High on Fire and Jeremy got the Led Zeppelin. Okay, I had two hard ciders as well. Yum. I would recommend this place to anyone. The food and the atmosphere were both incredible. And I'm not just saying that because I had my first drink before the food arrived and was therefore rather quickly affected. Check out the website!

After dinner we drove over to the venue, which turned out to be another restaurant/bar with a room in the back for a stage and some people. We were early so we sat outside and I drank while Jeremy "kept his wits about him". He found this necessary because of the large number of gay men gathering near the doors. Jay Brannan, the artist we were going to see, is an openly gay man. Apparently so are most of his fans. Who knew? Oh, thats right, I did.

The opening act was Far From Falling and you should probably head over to their youtube page just so you can see the ridiculous things the lead singer does with his hands while he sings. If you just click on the band name you'll see! I was so distracted by his hand motions, the sheer number of men in the room, and the alcohol in my system that I have no idea what the man was singing about. Honestly. But he seemed really into it, so that's good.

After their set, Jay Brannan came on and it was really nice to actually see him IRL (in real life, for those of you that aren't huge nerds) and not just on a video. However, by that point I was very sleepy (read:intoxicated) and also feeling kind of uncomfortable and out of place. I would have felt out of place in any group that I didn't belong to, not just this particular group. I'm not saying I need to always be in homogeneous groups of people just like me, but I don't want to feel like the only one that doesn't belong either. So, I don't know if I'll be going back to another show. I'll still buy his music, of course, because he has a gorgeous, gorgeous voice.

It was raining when we left and that was the only detail I registered before losing the stay-awake battle for the drive home. I felt like a jerk falling asleep, but I couldn't help it! Inside the hotel I curled up on the bed and announced that I just wanted to go to sleep. Jeremy informed me that I should at least put my pajamas on because he didn't want anything falling out of my tube top in the middle of the night. I followed his advice, not wanting "anything" to fall out of my top either. And then did the responsible thing and washed my face and brushed my teeth too. I was almost asleep before he even got out of the shower.

After breakfast the next morning- No, I have to tell you one thing about breakfast. (I'm trying to skip the not-so-interesting parts because who wants to hear about me waking up in the middle of the night or Jeremy telling me I move too loudly in my sleep or me getting dressed?) During breakfast I managed to drop yogurt on my crouch and had to change my pants. Jeremy exclaimed, "What is WRONG with you?" because I had done something else stupid that morning that I can't remember now. Oh well. Back to the interesting parts!

[Insert commute here] When we got into the city and tried to find a parking place, Jeremy became suddenly and intimately aware of my horrible navigation skills. I became suddenly aware of the traffic-cop-like-people-whatevers vehemently directing both cars and pedestrians in a way that made me fear to disobey. Good thing I wasn't driving. We did eventually find a parking place (apparently it is VERY expensive to park) and took a short hike to Millennium Park. We encountered some kind of Hispanic bike parade, complete with a bike trailer hauling a large speaker spouting some kind of Spanish music and dozens of people all riding and shouting at one another. We continued to encounter this rather loud group of people throughout the morning.

At the park we checked out several of the sights such as the BP Bridge, Jay Pritzker Pavillion, The Lurie Garden, Cloud Gate, and the Crown Fountain. Crown Fountain was my favorite part as we watched the children of all ages and several races all play and splash together in the puddle that stretched between the two rectangles. We ended up taking off our shoes and splashing with the kids too. The cool water felt so nice after the bright, hot sun.

After splashing in the fountain we made our way back towards the car, looking for places to eat lunch along the way. We eventually ended up at a table outside Corner Bakery Cafe. The wind whipped between buildings giving the Windy City an appropriate name. Napkins flew off the tables and birds braved the wind for a chance at food torn from the tables.

We made it back to the car and out of the city, despite my horrible navigation abilities and the GPS losing satellite reception due to the "L" overhead. On the way home Jeremy suggested we stop by Indiana Dunes National Lakeshore to see the dunes and the beach. It was strange to see so much sand, sun, and water in Indiana. It was beautiful. The sand though was very, very hot. Even with shoes on. And we decided to walk a trail that took us up and over one of the dunes. Uncomfortable doesn't quite describe it. It was worth the pain to see the Chicago skyline peeking out on the other side of the lake from the top of the dune.

Visiting the dunes required driving in and out of Gary, Indiana, where we also stopped for gas. It turned out to be a sad, scary-looking place, at least to this girl from southwestern Ohio. Jeremy pumped gas while I went inside to get our drinks. I was called "baby" at least three times while inside with such an intonation and accompanied by enough leering to convince me it wasn't just a polite term. I couldn't wait to get back in the car.

Several hours in the passenger seat and an equal amount of exposure to Jeremy's music rid me of that particular desire. After a quick stop at Wendy's and one last stretch of driving in Ohio, I was ready to be out of that damn car and out of the sun. I got both wishes about the same time as the sun was setting when we arrived at his house. He invited me to stay and have a fire on the back porch and I agreed, not quite ready to be in my own car.

We took turns feeding the fire and talking about almost nothing for a couple more hours. It was a nice way to unwind after all that time trapped in the car. Then I went home.

So that is my Chicago story. I probably left out funny or interesting details. I probably bored you with others. But I'm telling the story and you're listening. So there.

Please help!

My friend, Rachel-Eve, is in a scholarship contest and could really use some votes! If you have a moment, would you head over to http://fastweb15years.com/entries/1707/ to vote for her? Her entry is an incredible book mosaic that took us most of a Saturday to create.

Monday, June 21, 2010


I have good intentions to write about my Chicago trip soon. I've just been busy! But I will do it! For now, I'll tell you it was very nice and exactly the right amount of time. And also, I want to go outside and play instead of going to work. Alas, we must do what we must do.

I don't know what dancing is (if I've never danced with you.)

"Come!" You say. "Come dance with me."
I don't know how to dance. I step on toes.
But you say you will teach me. You look so confident.
I take your hand.
You swing me around. We dance. We laugh. We spin.
I like this dancing. Why have I never danced before?
We spin faster.
The world behind you is a blur and now I'm dizzy.
"Slow down," I tell you. "Now all I can see is your face."
You laugh and pull me closer. The rhythm changes.
Now every part of you is touching me and we breathe together.
We step. We sway. And I still can't see a thing.
You lead me.
"We aren't slow dancing." You whisper in my ear.
"We aren't even dancing at all. We never danced."
And now I'm confused.
I don't know what dancing is if I've never danced with you.
The room still spins and I try to pull away.
You pull me back and I fall into you.
We step. We sway. And I still can't see a thing.
Now the rhythm doesn't make sense to my not-dancing feet.
You keep stepping on my toes.
You kiss me.
One final, violent spin, and you let me go.
Dizzy, confused, bruised shoulders and toes.
There you are smiling.
"Wasn't that fun?"
But I wish I had never taken your hand.
I don't know if I'll ever dance again.
I still want to dance and laugh and spin,
but not if it comes to the same end.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Nights like tonight.

Trivia again tonight. I shouldn't start there. I ended there.

Work. And then I got to go home early! So I went on a bike ride. This always makes me extra happy. Being in the sun (and being ACTIVE) does something magical to my mood.

Then trivia. And I laughed so hard tears poured down my face. And I got the hiccups. And it started to hurt. And then it got hard to breathe and talk and communicate in general. We got second place today and I didn't contribute very much, as usual, but it isn't the prize that makes trivia so much fun, it is the people.

I freakin love those people.

And I'm realizing that I have so, so many positive, wonderful, affirming, lovely people in my life. This is where I should put my focus. Nights like tonight.

You kind of make me feel sick inside.

I had a dream about kissing.
I had a dream I drank contaminated water.
I had a dream I played in the mud.
I had a dream that I got angry enough and showed it and finally changes happened.
I had a dream I turned into a zombie.

Also, I want to stop wanting the things I want that are clearly bad for me. I want to want only good and healthy things. But I don't.

Monday, June 07, 2010

I know you would listen, but...

Sometimes there are things I want to say and they don't even feel said until I say them to a particular person. Like telling everyone else is just practice until I say it to the right person. I suppose I'm feeling that way just now. I thought I would write about it but then I realized that would be more of telling-the-wrong-person. So I'll go to bed.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

It's funny how much baggage a person can accumulate without ever actually dating anyone.

I feel much, much better.

This evening I played trivia with a few of my friends at a local restaurant. We actually decided to join the trivia league. Yes, we are THAT cool. We won second place tonight!

After trivia, Robbie asked me to go get a milkshake with him which was excellent because I very much wanted a milkshake myself and spending more time with Robbie was like getting a bonus. I think every time I hang out with him I find something else to appreciate. He has been my friend for these last five years, and for a bit of that we had some rough spots, but overall five years is a long time. I think that other relationships in my life have taught me to appreciate him more. And I'm grateful for that. I don't like hurting, but sometimes the hard parts are the best ways to learn.

I learned.

I appreciate these things about Robbie today:

He spent the evening with me and my friends and only had good things to say about them afterwards. He agreed (with enthusiasm) to be part of our trivia league. I worried about whether or not he was having a good time because he wasn't always involved in the conversation and he assured me he did. He asked me to go get "everything" milkshakes with him, like he could read my mind. He said, "I didn't drink my milkshake fast because I was ready to leave, I just really liked it." He asked me how things were going and he listened and listened and listened. He made me laugh so much it kind of hurt. He asked if he could come upstairs with me and stayed for awhile and talked with me. He said little nice things like they were facts and not compliments. He was an amazing example of a good, healthy, easy friendship.

I wish I could tell him how very much I appreciate and love him, but I think that is even harder than talking about hurt feelings. Because he is a man and I am a woman and therefore saying, "I love you." always sounds like it means one certain kind of love. I wish we were like the Greeks with their different words for love. 

I "friendship" love you, Robbie. Very much. And I'm glad I get to have you in my life. You are keeping me afloat when I feel like I can't take one more wave. And you are building me up when I feel like damaged goods. Thanks for all of that.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

It's just... I feel like...I'm sorry, I can't...When you...I hate unpleasant moments.

Relationships are hard. Obvious statement, I know. But I feel like I just keep having to learn that.

I have to stop this pattern I've let myself get into. The pattern where I avoid confrontation like it is going to kill me and eventually let relationships fall apart because I'm unhappy and never let the other person know.

I'm trying. But initiating a conversation like that makes my heart race. Nearly every time I try, I back down immediately and try to end the conversation as soon as possible. Escape. Say whatever it is that will make this go away. Right now.

Last night I tried. And I'm so horrible at it. I was grateful that he is patient and listens better than anyone I know. That when I stared at the wall and fidgeted and started sentences I didn't end, he waited silently for me to find my words. Waited long enough for me to string some together. Let me tell him about everything. Not just what just happened, but all the little things before it. Let me tell him about how I just wanted to leave. Let me cry. I needed him to be quiet for me while I did that and he was.

And then he said the right things. And then he hugged me.

I know it isn't all magically fixed now, but I feel better. Because if things don't get better, at least I tried. And I got some practice at talking. And now I know that it feels better than pretending. Even though it is much, much harder.

I don't want to live forever.

Getting to 23 has been hard enough. Life hurts. I couldn't handle more than one lifetime. Does it get easier?

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Me doing more navel-gazing. I do like that word.

Sometimes things seem better in the morning. But it still hurts. I was thinking about it even in my dreams.

My parents make me cry. It isn't the drug abuse, the irresponsibility, or the mixed-up priorities that bother me. Those things suck, yes, but the things that bother me the most are the ones that show a complete lack of respect for me as a person, as their daughter. The things that show me they don't value me at all. Drugs are more important that me. Drugs are more important than my feelings or well-being or our relationship. Those things hurt the most. They make me feel like it is more than "they don't value me" but "I don't have value." Because they see me better than any other human beings, right? They know me better than anyone. If they don't value me, I must not HAVE value.

So a big part of my life has been trying to be the best kind of person I can be. Maybe if I'm nice and good and smart and healthy and honest and loving enough, I'll have value. I'll be more important to someone. When given the choice, someone will choose ME.

But it feels like I keep learning that I am, in fact, not worth it. I have so many people in my life that are there for me when I finally ask for help. So many people that love me and value me and make me feel like a person worth loving. Why why why do I believe the negative messages more? Why do I keep people in my life that keep telling me with words, actions, silences, and looks that I'm not worth respect and consideration?

I don't know how to stop.

I don't know how to stop that little twinge of excitement when I get a text from him.
I don't know how to stop looking forward to the next time I get to see him.
How to say no when he invites me over.
How to stop asking him to do things with me.
To not care so much when he says something even remotely nice.
To not care so much when he hurts me.
I don't know how to turn off the part of my brain that randomly thinks about him.
I don't know how to feel like I have power in the relationship.
I don't know how to speak up and stop forgiving him every time he hurts me.
I don't know how to stop feeling jealous.
I don't know how to not love who he is.
I don't know how to forget that he doesn't feel any of these things for me.

I'm going to have to learn.