Friday, October 29, 2010

She is a stair. I am too.

She is a stair.
One of the many.
Maybe made of sturdy boards
from ancient many-ringed oak trees.
Crowns reaching towards the golden sunlight.

I am too.
Not so grand.
I am poured concrete,
a rough surface to scratch your feet.
I am cold and unadorned. I am no beauty.

I cannot say
you will not stumble
will not stub your toe upon the step.
I cannot promise to lead you somewhere
greater than she. Me, without visible appeal.

But should you choose
to take your journey with me
you will find you do not compete with
many busy hands and busy feet, fighting for the top
and though I am not the most appealing, I will take you
higher than you've ever been. And though she may weaken
in time. I will never let you fall through. You will never break me
and though time and wind and rain may test us, I will never break you.

I made it for you.

I made a place for you.
A small opening in my heart like a person-sized spot in a crowd.
Come, stand among those I know. Those I like.

I made a pedestal for you.
Lifted you high above the ground and worshiped you.
Only as a unknown stranger can be worshiped. You fell.

I made a bed for you.
Held you close against my body and shared my warmth.
So that my love could seep into your skin tangibly.

I made a home for you.
Rearranged my previous plans and emptied drawers and closets and rooms for you.
You would be my companion. My favorite one. My home.

I made a castle for you.
Demolished everything I knew to make something grander for you. For us.
My future now all tied up in you in stone and gates and towers.

But you didn't want my castle.

What you don't know yet:

You don't know yet,
but you think she will make your life happier just for being in it.
She will laugh at all the right times
and make you just the right kind of miserable.

You don't know yet,
but you're sure she's going to be yours forever.
That you won't understand completeness until you hold her.
And she'll make you smile till it hurts a little.

You don't know yet,
but you hope she will spark your greatest adventures.
She will make you truly understand what it is to be needed.
And make you feel like she sees no one else.

You don't know yet,
but you need her to be the end of your searching.
The answer to an unasked question.
The right kind of smile and touch and smell.
And a mystery that keeps you ever searching.

You don't know yet,
no, you just don't know yet,
but it's me.

These pictures inspire me.

Don't worry. We'll figure it out.

Sometimes you say things that hurt my feelings.
And sometimes we misunderstand one another.
There are moments when I think understand you
and then you surprise me in the worst way ever.

Sometimes I wish I could see more of you.
And sometimes I just need a long, long break.
There are moments when nothing you could say
could possibly resemble the right thing to say.

Sometimes I think you must be the most perfect human being.
And sometimes you call me names.
There are moments when we just can't get it straight
no matter how hard we try.

Sometimes time changes both of us in unpredictable ways.
And suddenly we are strangers to one another.
There are moments when I don't know how
we can ever be okay again.

But hey,
don't worry,
we'll figure it out.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

These things keep circling around my mind when I forget to think about something else:

I used to weigh over 100lbs more than I do now.

My home caught on fire and I couldn't live there anymore and I spent weeks with no home and everything I owned fit in my car and I was alone.

I fell in love with a man that didn't know how to love me back. I let him hurt me over and over again. I wanted things he couldn't or wouldn't give me. He didn't want to have me. He didn't want to let me go.

I grew up with parents addicted to prescription drugs. They were everything awful a drug addict becomes. They made me feel unsafe. They made me feel unworthy of love, attention, respect, or consideration.

Each of these things brought me to tears. Made me have moments where I didn't feel strong enough to make it through by myself. A few times I even wished that I could just stop existing. That somehow I wouldn't have to face another day. Because if life had to keep hurting the way it hurt back then, I didn't want anymore. Sometimes these things twisted my personality, perception of the world, self-perception, reactions, and expectations in unhealthy ways. They nearly broke me.

I say this not because I want sympathy or help or anything else like that. Its just, I cannot tell you just how free I feel now if you don't understand the things that weighed me down.

I could go into detail about each thing. I could cry again, remembering those days, those nights. But right now, I'm sitting in MY apartment. And I feel safe and secure. I feel loved and appreciated. I am happy with who I am and where my life is headed. I'm going to have bad days. And I'll forget, eventually, just how sharp the pain was before.

But I remember today.

Monday, October 25, 2010

I wanted to write poetry. Put up with it. :)

The things he does:

He says the right things.
and it’s enough because
no one else is saying anything to her.

He makes her cry.
and she lets it go because
no one else makes her laugh and smile.

He treats her well
and that’s often enough because
the rest of them ignore her.

He makes her feel worthless
and she believes him because
it seems true enough to her.

He pushes her
and that just pushes her away because
she would rather be alone than on the ground.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The story of how I saw that lady's panties:

I had an extra day off today because of Columbus day. I didn't leave the house. When Johnna came home around 11:30pm, she brought me a notice that had been posted on my windshield. This notice informed me that my car would be towed tomorrow if I did not fix the flat tire.

Flat tire?

I investigated. I did indeed have a flat tire. So, we made a late-night trip to purchase fix-a-flat (and some groceries). We used Johnna's headlights for illumination and I followed the instructions on the can. The last step was to immediately add more air to the tire, if necessary. It was necessary.

I went to the gas station by myself. When I arrived, I discovered that the air machine was one dollar and I needed to get quarters. So I went inside.

Standing at the counter with her male companion was a woman wearing a lace teddy. I could see her white bra through the lace, as well as her black panties. And when she leaned forward to put her elbows on the counter, I saw the rest of her panties as the teddy rode up over her (and I feel this word appropriate in this context) ass. She purchased flavored condemns. She expressed a concern that she did not have the ninety-nine cents available in her account to cover such a purchase. She left.

I tried to communicate my surprise and dismay at the cashier lady while I requested my change. She came around the counter and hugged me. And held the door open for me.

I wandered out into the artificially-lit parking lot a little dazed. I made my way over to my car and proceeded to drop my quarters into the machine. A car pulled up behind me, blocking the driving area in the parking lot with his SUV. I assumed he wanted the air machine next. I filled up my tire. Put the cap back on. Got back into my car. And the man left.

Sometimes, strange things happen to me.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

So, if you wanna be with me, you have to follow through with every word you say.

My roommate and I were talking about the times we have called off work. The last time I called off work was to take my my to the hospital because she was overdosing. I think that was in February. It snowed. My brother wouldn't come with me. I sat at the hospital and cried and texted my friends until my head hurt so much I thought I would get sick myself.

Finally, I left. Because my dad and my brother would not come. And she was out of it. And she was going to be okay.

I went to Jeremy's house. I almost wrecked my car on the way there. Because of the snow and the tears. He listened to me. He distracted me. But he had to work in the morning so I left soon after.

Sometimes memories change when you look back on them. My whole world was a place full of uncertainty and being treated with disrespect, or complete disregard, where a part of my everyday life. It made me cling to things that seemed good to me. Made me want them in an unhealthy way.

But my whole life has changed. That girl who wrote blogs last year, two years ago, longer- all strangers. Sometimes having bad things happen in your life helps you see the good things better. Makes you appreciate the better days. And the bad things can make you stronger. A better person. But too much bad can make unhealthy things seem good, in comparison. Too much bad starts to break you down and warp your personality.

I have a small panic moment every time I get a voice-mail and I can't see who it was from. I have nightmares about terrible things happening. Because, even now, I can't comprehend that some terrible thing isn't about to happen. That everything is good. And life's horrors are all about rainy days and disappointed plans.

I think the point I'm trying to make is this:

There are things that used to seem good to me. And behaviors that I put up with, or even appreciated before. But now these things aren't okay. And I'm not going to keep the not-so-bad in my life when I have so much GOOD now.

I've had enough.
Now let's see if I can follow through.

Saturday, October 09, 2010

Some days I just have more to say. Some days, it doesn't matter how much I write if I don't find the right way to say it.
It feels like my whole world has changed since I last saw you. And now I'm a different person. And that was a stranger you last hugged. And I don't know how you fit into my life now.

But I understand. It didn't seem long at all to you.

She may not frown, but she'll never love you.

You get the Public version. Sunny smile. A little sassy.
She laughs at appropriate times.
She sings and dances and makes funny faces.
She tells you stories.
She doesn't tell you what she is really thinking.
She doesn't show any negative emotion.
She lies with smiles and agrees with what you say.
Arguing isn't for the Public version.
This is what you get now.

Real version cries sometimes.
Sometimes gets her feelings hurt.
Grumpy or sleepy or quiet.
A little more work than the Public version.
But this one says, "I love you"
and calls you when she's feeling lonely.
And Real version
will cook you dinner and go places with you.
And make you feel like you really matter to her.

But you get Public version now.
Because you gave me Public You.
And I didn't like it.

Saturday afternoon.

It's going to be okay. Just
Take off your party dress.
Put on your t-shirt and jeans.
It doesn't matter anyway.
Wash away the make-up,
put on some sunscreen.
You didn't need to feel pretty today.
It isn't a time for sandals now.
How about those walking shoes?
The sun is still out.
You can go walking alone.
It doesn't have to ruin your day
now that he isn't coming.

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Task status: In progress.

Sometimes this moving-on thing is hard work. I live in a new home. I have a new job. A new routine. Even some of my relationships are completely different. But there are still moments in time when I keep trying to reach back to familiar things that I don't need anymore. Sometimes letting go isn't just about not holding on anymore, it is about not wanting to hold on too. I wonder when I get to that place?

How can I be so happy, and still mourn a little? I love my new home. I finally know what it is like to feel safe here all the time. That panic feeling that simmered just below the surface before is gone. I love being at home. And I love my roommate.

My job is challenging and dynamic in a way that does cause me stress but it keeps me from getting bored and makes me feel satisfied that I am using a lot of my brain and effort to do things well.

My relationships are fulfilling and varied and many.

So why do I keep wanting things that I've already decided to let go of? Things I don't need. Things that are bad for me. It makes me frustrated at myself. Be happy, unhindered!

Sometimes I think I am just a great well of want that will never be satisfied. That is okay with me, as long I learn to just want things that are good for me, things like more knowledge and world travel, and healthy habits. This should be my new goal. Want good things.