Thursday, June 22, 2006

Ideas, help?

So, I turn twenty a little over a week and I want to do something fun, something different, but I don't know what to do. I was thinking maybe a comedy club? But then I don't know which one to go to or if it would be vulgar. Hmm. What do people do? I don't know.

Sarah Jo

Monday, June 19, 2006

"9,000 years ago. . ."

Or, more specifically: Wednesday, September 29, 2004 I made a list of random things about me. I decided to edit/update/extend said list after further inspiration from Nika. Here goes:

I still lick the spatula when my mom makes brownies.
I chew my bottom lip when I am nervous.
I look at my paper when I do not know the answer to a question in class.
I am afraid to talk to teenagers I do not know.
I sing really loud when I am alone in my car.
I stop when I get to a red light.
I turn my music up loud and roll my windows down and hope everyone hears so they know how cool I am.
I know I am not cool.
I make sure I am completely enfolded in covers before I turn the light out.
I do everything at the last minute.
I am usually early.
I love my job and my coworkers. Really.
I like it when people touch my hair.
It makes me nervous when people touch me (hair included)
I was once hugged by a complete stranger.
I liked it.
Friendliness is the second thing I notice in a person.
A smile is the first.
I am offended by cuss words.
I hate the word "aint"
I do not like country music or rap in most cases.
I have little compassion for those who make no effort help themselves and/or blame their circumstances on everyone/thing else.
I will not allow my own insecurities to hinder my social/emotional growth.
I need lots of reassurance.
I am more sensitive than I pretend to be.
I do not like to hang out in groups.
My family will always come first.
I procrastinate. Often.
I like having pictures of those I love.
I always forget to take my camera.
I communicate much better in writing.
I would rather use the computer than a pen.
You are beautiful because I love you, not the other way around.
I lie, not with words, but with silences.
I spend too much time on the internet.
I just hate being alone.
I feel special when you remember something I said a while ago.
I feel most loved when you listen to me.
I like the icing more than the cake.
I only floss occasionally.
I feel guilty about it.
I feel so uncool.
I could spend days sprawled across my bed with a good book.
My room is a mess most of the time.
I wear less than half the shoes I own.
My best features are my eyes and smile.
I have to wash my hands often.
I do not remember the last time I washed my car.
I do not feel like I have control of my life.
I rarely study.
I do not eat fruit or vegetables in most cases.
I get a word of the day in my email because I never want to stop learning, even for a day.
I am afraid I will end up alone.
I wish I could make beautiful music.
I hated 1984.
I love to write.
I don’t understand mean people, but I am learning to handle them well.
I hate being late, so I always arrive too early.
Nature is pretty as long as it doesn’t touch me.
I feel out of place amongst my peer group.
I find it hard to get close to new people.
I am terrified of bugs of all kinds.
I have no sense of direction.
I do not like to wear shorts, low-cut tops, or shoes that show my toes.
I love flip-flops.
I cry.
I love movies.
I love to laugh.
I just love iTunes
And Kidd Coffee
I cannot wash my hair every day.
I like food way too much.
I am uncomfortable in my own body.
What I really want is to be completely known, loved unconditionally, and to be seen as beautiful.
I know I can only get that from God.
Music is integral part of my relationship with God.
I always feel not good enough.
I am always afraid everyone else can see that.
I love hugs.
I think people only see the happiness and never the real me.
I am not happy all the time.
I have to really trust someone before I let them see me cry.
I love giving people gifts.
And notes.
And telling them how much I like them.
Sometimes I think there is a social handbook I must have missed out on.
I wonder if I will ever have that first kiss.
I do not remember much about my childhood.
I try so hard to be better than I am.
The books I read are not making me “well read”
I spend too much money.
I write poetry.
I cannot draw or cut a straight line.
I like it when men hold the door for me.
I do not know how to show my interest to a guy.
Quality time is so important to me.
When you forget that we made plans, it hurts.
I pretend it does not.
I enjoy sleeping entirely too much.
I stay up too late.
I will not ever know if you do not tell me.
I like to feel wanted/needed.
I am totally and completely in love with life.
I do not think it ends here.
I always try to be what I think the other person wants me to be.
I am not a morning person. Give me an hour.
I strive to remain pure.
I think about my future husband often.
I only tell my mother everything.
Silence makes me uncomfortable.
I have no idea what music is popular now.
I just want to be the woman God made me to be.
I want to be closer to Him each day.
He seems so distant. I cannot see/touch/hear/feel him.
I guess that is where faith comes in.
I cannot wait to be a mother.
I wish I could comfort the world.
I was once obsessed with Hanson.
My favorite movie is The Fifth Element.
I never wear make-up.
I love my hair.
When I am sad, I am afraid to let anyone else know. Would they still like me?
I start projects and never finish them.
My dreams are vivid and exciting.
Making this list makes me feel conceited, but I so want someone to care enough to read it.
I blush often.
I get quiet when I am mad.
I really want you to follow me when I walk away.

Wow. That was long.

Sarah Jo

I say neither, you say neither.

Wow. I saw someone I haven't seen since high school and I know that doesn't sound so very long but it was like, what, 10 percent of my life ago? And apparently we live on the same street, two blocks apart. I find that amusing. And even more interesting is the fact that I dreamed about said person about a month ago. Its strange how things happen.

Other than that, I have nothing to say that you want to hear/read.

Oh, one of my customers said to one of my co-workers, referring to me, "Shes happy, isn't she?"
My co-worker replied, "that's an under-statement."

that's what I like to hear.

Oh, I thought of something else exciting. I'm going to be baptized next Sunday. I'm excited about this.
And I've been listening to Billy Holiday and the Fray. What a combination.
And I need to go move my car, its parked in the alley.

Sarah Jo

Sunday, June 18, 2006

What I've been up to:

Yesterday was wonderful. After work, I went out for pancakes with Joanne. We had a nice talk. She made me feel good. Later, my brother and I went out to Ashleys house to swim. I enjoyed myself immensely. Emilie, Elisabeth, and Kaitlynn swam with us, all wearing their various flotation devices. It felt like summer when it hasn't felt like summer all summer long. What an awesome sentence.

Today Chad said, "I know I'm talking fast, you'll just have to listen fast." That amused me.

I guess that's all I have to say. I need to study for my exam tomorrow.


Sarah Jo

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Yay! for new life experiences.

Even when they hurt, because the pain was a lot less than my imagination.

I've now officially blogged for two years.

Yep, thats all. Talked my fill for the day.

Sarah Jo

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

What I would like to feel now is numb.

Its great when things blow up in your face is ways you never expected. Oh wait, not great, I mean horribly, awfully bad. Maybe if I could just stop thinking about it, it wouldn't hurt so much. But how on earth could I do that?

I'm sorry, all my happy thoughts fell out when I received that unexpected blow.

Sarah Jo

Monday, June 12, 2006

Its easier to say things when I'm not looking at you.

Getting close to new people is hard. You have to figure out how to communicate with each other when times aren't good, when you hurt each other, when you get scared. My pastor explained it well once; he said when you have someone at arms length, they can't hurt you very much, but when you pull someone close and hug them, they can do real damage. And what hurts more than any pain they inflict is the surprise.

It is so much easier to keep everyone at arms length. If no one is close to me, no one can hurt me. But then I would be alone. The other option is to open up, move closer and take the chance, the chance to be hurt even more, the chance to become even better friends. Somehow, its much scarier to admit that I was hurt, than to simply pretend I wasn't. If I never say anything, he won't know not to do it again.

And I shouldn't be upset by it anyway, but I am. Its not so bad when someone jokes about something I am aware of, like my complete lack of sense of direction, but it took me by surprise. So yes, I do talk all the time. But this is the first time I've felt so insecure about it. I don't like silence. Whenever I'm with someone, I want to spend every minute getting to know them better. I don't understand comfortable silence. I only have that with people I know so well, we don't have anything to say anymore. And even then, I'm thinking about what I could say.

Anyway, I don't know what I want to happen.

Sarah Jo

Saturday, June 10, 2006

A Good Cry

Its amazing what a good cry can do. I start off trying to control myself, pushing down the emotions because they aren't rational and tears never fix anything anyway. I want to talk about it but no one wants to listen long enough and that wont make it better either. So, I think it over until rationality loses the battle with emotion and find the secret refuge of my bedroom, bury my face in the pillow and have it out. The tears come, the prayers come, more tears come until I run out of energy and things to mourn over. Slowly, oh so slowly, the redness leaves my face as the sorrow leaves my heart and everything does seem better after all.


Remember how it feels to cry
to completely lose control
body shaking
tears pouring down
screaming because
the pain inside
is far more than you can handle
and it seems
that you will never be
okay again

I cannot protect you
from ever feeling that way again
but I can promise you
that I will hold you until it passes.

until the tears
are salt stains on your cheeks
until you take that last sobbing gasp
until your heartbeat slows back down
until your swollen lips and puffy eyes
return to their normal size
until you fall asleep in the safety of my arms

Sarah Jo

Anyway, thanks for listening.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Okay. Now I'm happy with me.

"Did you just call me chicken nugget?" - Christopher

All the details seem to distract me from the fact that I'm not where I want to be, and I don't even know what that is. Trying to improve myself spiritually, socially, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. . . leaves me feeling confused, because I know I want to be better than I am in many areas, and I know that I'll only ever get closer to the goal, but never at it, but I also thought that who I am right now was okay too. It can't be both, can it?

And I keep looking at myself through so many different lenses, and the view is so different. What standards am I measuring against? The world, my friends, my mom, God? Sometimes I feel beautiful, like someone should love me for who I really am, and other times I feel that if someone got close enough, they would see nothing more than all the things that aren't so great about me.

I just don't know how to reconcile who I am with who I'm trying to be. And I don't know how to talk about it.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Ladies and Gentlemen, the longest paragraph EVER:

There was a customer today, not my customer, but there was NO ONE else in the place so I was listening to him talk, where was I going with this awful sentence. Oh. This man today was telling Denise that a sure way to get people to smile is to give them a high-five. He said not many people give high-fives anymore, that we should bring them back in style. Denise informed him that I give people hugs all the time. He asked me for a hug. I said no, but I gave him a high-five instead. And then he told us another way to get people to smile was to do a cartwheel. Is that how you spell cartwheel? SO, he asked if I would like to see him do a cartwheel. I did. So he did. That was delightful. And after that man left, I was smiling for a long time. And I felt happier. If that man can make himself look foolish just to bring joy into other peoples lives, than why can't I be unreasonably friendly to people I meet everyday. And after that I had that smile on my face that hasn't been there for awhile and I didn't know it was gone until it came back again. That smile that has nothing to do with me but everything to do with the person I'm smiling at and now I wonder when I lost it. Because people always tell me that my "happy" will wear off and suddenly it started to and I don't like that and I don't care if this paragraph/sentence/entry is grammatically or structurally sound (but actually I do just a little but, okay, a little more than a little bit.) ANYWAY, why did I let my happy fall to the wayside? And then, as I realize this, someone tells me that I've been an example of kindness and patience to them and it makes me feel ashamed of myself because lately I haven't been nearly as kind or patient as I am capable of. Why not? Anyway, that's changing folks, because God has shown such incredible kindness and patience with me, how can I not imitate my hero? And sometimes, okay, lots of times, everything in me just wants to sing for joy ( and I do) for how wonderful, how awesome, how great is God and that joy should not leave me because my customer swore at me, or because some boy doesn't like me, or because I'm worried about the future, or because I'm feeling insecure, because NONE of these things changes who God is or what He has done for me or what He is going to do in me. And all these temporary concerns are just that, temporary. I just need to lift my gaze a little higher, stop focusing on the details, and start focusing on the Creator. And that customer did make me smile, right down into my heart.

Sarah Jo

Sunday, June 04, 2006

I am a synonym for "timid"

I find it hard to breathe
even without you standing
next to me
only reliving the memory

and everything beautiful
you make me feel
cannot conceal
the pain, equally real

and your eyes,
no longer mine
captivated by the shine
of her, so fine

I can only resolve
myself to absolve
of this
wonderful misery

(excuse me,
while I find a way
to smile politely
as I remove my fragile heart
from your clumsy, unwitting hands
and make my final retreat
into isolation)