Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Here we go around again.

I think you are
missing the best part of me
and maybe I am
missing you entirely
but I don't know how
to invite you closer
to show you my heart
Oh, my friend
lets try this again.
Gavin DeGraw should come to my house and sing me to sleep while playing with my hair.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Shake it baby!

I feel like a snowglobe. I've got all these things floating around in my head and I don't know which one to deal with first. Or if I even want to deal with them. Maybe I'll let everything float around in my head like a beautiful disaster. And lots of these things are people specific. What I mean is, I would better write a poem to that person telling them everything I would never truly say. And some things I need to work out in my own heart. Grrr.

I've got all this information, all these new ideas and concepts, all these situations and thoughts and no time to process them. How does this all fit together? What does it mean now? Do I believe this?

I think I just need to write poetry. Its easier to do that because then all the scary things to say are at least pretty in their own right, dressed up in verse so they do not look so vulnerable and bare.

I put all my secrets in poetry. The funny thing is, anyone can read it, anyone at all. They just have to ask. They just have to listen. Its like my heart, it is open and available for anyone willing to pursue. But thats it, isnt it?

Sarah Jo

Wednesday, January 10, 2007


I want
what I want
Why must I wait?
Patience is for people
who do not mind
giving it time.
(I am not one of
said people.)
Do not tell me
I am learning something
just give me what I want
and do it fast.
Do it right now!

I've got about half a dozen scarves to make.

Lately, I keep thinking things that make me blush, but I figure out that they are not good things to say out loud before they make it out of my mouth. So then, there I am, turning red for no explicable reason. At least the filter between my brain and my mouth is starting to be more effective. On the down side, people have noticed. Now I'll have to stop getting embarrassed when no one knows what I'm thinking.

And. . . I just got a voice mail message that is garbled beyond recognition and I have to wait until tomorrow to find out what it said. I'm not good at waiting. I keep imagining the worst. I don't know why. I'll have to think about something else. Like homework.

Things would turn out a lot better if I kept my mouth shut more often. Yes, they would. In Kidd Coffee there is a quote on the wall that says something like "I’ve often regretted my speech, but never my silence". Forgive me for not remembering the author of this quote. You can google it. At any rate, I should take this to heart, but I don't. I talk and talk and talk as long as someone will listen. And I keep listening if someone keeps talking. There should be a happy medium somewhere.

I keep thinking about this voice mail message.
And I'm not doing my homework.

I wish I could listen to my ipod in the shower. They have some kind of device where you put your ipod in a "water resistant" container with speakers. Its only 30 dollars. Why would I put my 250 dollar ipod in a 30 dollar contraption and trust that everything will turn out okay?

Oh! I got an ipod! Ha. I like it much. I purchased a pink case for it. All is well. And I get a daily audio bible podcast that makes me happy(er).

Voice mail. Homework.

So. . . How is your semester going? I'm already behind on my. . . new subject. So I don't really know my course numbers but I have courses that teach me how to teach math, science, and social studies. I have a personal health class (apparently, I need to be a good role-model for the young 'uns) as well as a class on assessment and a class on classroom management/discipline. What did I forget? *Counts on fingers* OH! And technology. How to integrate technology into a classroom. This would all be great if I wanted to teach, but, I don't. Maybe I could write children's books that would be useful when integrating the content areas. A children's book to use for math, science, social studies, health. Now, what would I write about? Oh, I guess that's the hard part.

(Voice mail. Homework.)

I feel like I'm on the right track again. Before, I felt like I fell off into a hole that I had no intention of even trying to escape, but not so anymore. God has a way of scraping off the things I cant handle, and lifting me up, until it isn't a hole anymore at all. Its amazing that no matter how many times I try to walk away from Him, He follows after me, chases after me, calls out to me, until I come back again. And it seems that I never really left in the first place. And every time I hurt, there is purpose. There is reason and growth. There is a lesson. Its not all senseless. And I'm never alone. I'm never alone.


Even though I've been at school all week long, and I've been spending time with my classmates, I feel that I haven't seen anyone at all. I feel lonely. Sigh. I miss people.

I want to go somewhere. I want to take a trip. When? Spring break is kind of out. This summer maybe. I want to go anywhere that's not here. Okay, somewhere that can be driven to. Somewhere that doesn't cost TOO much money. I'm going to think on this.

I MUST do my homework now. Thanks for listening to me. I need to be listened to.

Sarah Jo

(Wow, I had a LOT of spelling errorrs.)

Monday, January 01, 2007

"Draw me close to you. . ."

This break has been balm for my soul. Many times during the last semester, I thought I just could not continue. I thought surely I would fall apart and just not make it through the next day. And I thought I couldn't handle anymore. And then something else would happen. And something else would happen. But every time I thought I couldn't do it alone, I got just enough help, just enough support to continue. A few well timed phone calls. Much needed hugs. Listening ears and helping hands. I made it.

Now I feel like I've had a great release of breath. I'm okay. No, I'm stronger. And now I know things I didn't know before. And I'm happy. And its okay if things hurt so much you can't think of anything else. This passes and joy comes.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I'm not going to teach. I want to write. Its what I love to do. I'm not going to worry about whats going to happen to me in a year and a half; I'll worry about completing this day, this week, this month, this semester. I'll worry about trusting God more than I trust myself.

I've experienced a lot of changes in the last few months, changes in my life and changes inside myself. I thought I had it all figured out and now its different. I walked all the paths in my heart and I knew exactly who I was and why and now . . . now I have to do it all over again. Sigh.

So I don't have all the words sorted out just yet because I don't have any of the details, emotions, thoughts in order.

You know what though? He always gives me exactly what I ask for, I just never anticipate the path that takes me there.