Monday, December 27, 2010

The things I'll do:

I'll go out with my old friends.
We'll find fun little restaurants
places to dance and sing
and quiet coffee shops to talk and listen.

I'll join a club.
Learn to knit or sew
or read a book a month
and make new friends.

And I'll take up hobbies.
Shopping for antiques
biking down the side streets

I'll finally start that book I've always wanted to write.
And I really will go to the gym three times a week.
I'll find new recipes and modify old ones.
I'll keep in touch with family
maybe do some introspection.

I'll live.
Even if I do miss you all the while.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

I'll probably be doing this kind of thing a lot as the end of the year approaches:

I always have so much to say. My inner monologue is in past tense, as if I am narrating an extremely interesting novel. Things like Twitter and Facebook and Blogger allow me to release the pressure when I feel that I just must share what is going on inside my head.

One day I'll marry someone who will listen to me and at least look interested most of the time.
It won't be enough. I'll still write.

I was thinking back on what happened this year. My first thought was of my first kiss, on New Years Eve sometime in the early morning hours. It is hard to focus on it now. I have a hard time looking past all the pain and anger I felt afterwards over the year. But at the time I loved him and he loved me. And it was kind of cute even though we both had too much to drink and not enough sense. I feel that, with the exception of my parents, I let him hurt me and disrespect me more than anyone I've ever loved, but I wouldn't undo any of it now.

One time we went hiking and got lost. We had to cross a stream with no bridge. My shoes got wet inside and I had to hike for hours in wet socks. I got blisters. And we kept coming across that blasted stream. Or maybe different ones. Each time was awful. I slipped on the rocks. The water burned the cuts on my legs from the thorns. But each time we came to a stream it seemed that we had no other choice; we had to cross. It was awful. We laugh about it now.

My relationship with him is like that. I wanted to venture into the unknown. And when I came to the unpleasant places, I didn't see another way out. Over and over. I didn't see the way out.

But that awful hiking trip didn't stop me from ever hiking again. I waited till the blisters healed. I explored new ground. But now I stay on the trail. I wouldn't go back and change the decisions that led me to that day. I learned valuable lessons. And now we have something to laugh about.

I think some blisters take longer to heal than others. And it is harder to see the path in a relationship. But I wouldn't undo the missteps that got me here. I don't know what I might have missed otherwise. I know now which places not to go. And that is enough for now.

Friday, December 03, 2010

If I still know how many days it has been,

I must not be over it yet.