Friday, June 26, 2009

One day it will happen and I wont have any idea until it hits me in the side of the head.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Sorry I wasnt very exciting tonight.

I'm unhappy. Its not like a state of being but rather an emotion I'm experiencing right now. I'm unhappy. I would say that I'm mad but mostly its hurt and disappointed and mad just seems to be the defense mechanism to cover up the wounds of hurt and disappointed without actually fixing anything. So I'm trying not to be mad. I'm trying to just fix the hurt and disappointed.

Before, my ideas about how to fix hurt and disappointed were to take away the opportunities for future hurt. But that means putting distance between myself and others. That is safety and that is loneliness too. I don't want to do that anymore.

Most of the time I am pretty easily "fixed" when I'm upset. I just need to know that the other person didn't mean to hurt me. I just need to know that they care enough to want to fix it. But in this situation, the other person doesn't seem to care at all that I'm hurt and they did it. And that hurts worse. Now what do I do? Am I supposed to stay friends? Because I don't know how to let this go without some kind of confrontation. Without some kind of resolution.

Instead of it getting better with time, I'm feeling worse. I'm no actress and its wearing me out to pretend to be okay when really I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. I'm upset. At least I can type it here. At least I can be honest right here. Because I don't want to show what I'm feeling to people who aren't responsible for the problem. What can they do about it? And the person who is responsible doesn't care. So I feel like a liar and I'm not very good at that.

I want to be treated with respect. Like an adult. I want to be given the opportunity to decide how to react instead of having others decide what I would do, draw the wrong conclusion, and avoid me. I want to have relationships with people who want to talk to me and see me as frequently as I want to talk to them and see them. I want to be able to give my friends equal amounts of attention without suspicion. I want to spend time in groups and time in pairs because I think people change depending on who else is in the room. Mostly, I want reciprocity.

So I'm not happy right now. Its like a bug bite I just can't scratch. Its not the end of the world. Its not even a big deal. But I don't like disharmony. I don't like conflict, even if its just within myself. I just want it to be fixed, one way or another, so I can go back to worrying about something else.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Good enough.

I'm not gorgeous.
And when I dance its kind of awkward and silly.
I'm only funny when I don't mean to be.
I don't like any of your favorite movies or music.
But I was hoping that maybe I am pretty enough for you.
And perhaps my smile will make up for my lack of grace.
Somehow the contrast between my forward manner and bashfulness
and between my knowledge and experience
would intrigue you enough to make you move closer to me.
Because sometimes I say the wrong thing.
And I don't ever know which step to take next.
But it seems you don't know whats going on either.
So maybe you can forgive my inattention to detail
and my sensitive nature
and learn to crave my laughter and touch.
Because I'm never going to be perfect
and I know you aren't either.
I was thinking we could be the best thing that ever happened
to one another
and call that good enough.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Now what?

I lost 105lbs. Then, I stopped working so hard for several weeks. Nothing happened. I didn't lose any more weight. I didn't gain any weight.

So, I'm done with that now. I miss losing weight. It was my fault completely. And it was fun, I'm not going to lie. Because weight loss is a lot of work and attention and I put my attention elsewhere.

I want to be skinny. So I'm getting back to work.

These problems won't go away. They've been knocking me sideways.

I need to go to the grocery store. My living space is a mess. I need to find a better paying job. My credit card debt is horrendous. My laundry is all over the place. I want to be dating someone. I'm going to have to move out soon. My student loan payments start this month. I'm not losing weight like I should. I stay up too late to get up this early.
I dreamed about getting text messages from you
saying things your lips never do
Its easier when I don't want things because then I just enjoy whats happening without worrying about anything else. Now I want things and I'm impatient. So very, very impatient.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

I want someone who:

I was alone all day long and I hate that. So very much. And so with my free time I thought about what kind of person my Person will be. It seems like everyone has a list. I don't really have a list. I never know what I want until I see it. But I'm going to try anyway.

I want someone (who):

is reliable, consistent, and trustworthy.
I have to keep up with.
active, healthy, and strong.
listens and talks openly.
smiles and laughs often.
is kind of nerdy.
will want the compliments and phone calls and attention as much I like giving them.
is shockingly honest and transparent.
doesn't mind all of my bad parts.
has bad parts I don't mind so much either.
will handle the finances and pick out the furniture and decide where we go to dinner.
is adventurous and spontaneous at least some of the time.
leaves me random love notes on the napkins and the bathroom mirror and in the sock drawer.
I can sing to.
challenges me.
open to trying new things.
doesn't yell at me when he's angry with me.
feels honored to be loved by someone like me.
I feel honored be loved by.

Why aren't you my Person yet?

Wednesday, June 03, 2009


I have six minutes before I have to go to work. I don't like being alone. Last night I was plagued with terrible dreams and it makes me feel unhappy this morning. Yesterday was amazing. I got a wake-up call from Jeremy and the fun didn't stop until I had to leave to go to bed. I like my friends.

Four minutes. And my brain is working so poorly that I couldn't spell minutes the second time although I spelled it the first time and it was right in front of my face. I kind of want to be around people right now. But only certain people. On the other hand, its one of those moods where I could spend the whole day alone just stewing. I don't want to stew.

Three minutes. And I keep thinking about all these things I should be doing but I keep doing what I want to do instead. I've done what I have to do for far too long. I'm ready to be irresponsible and impulsive and happy.

Two minutes. I've survived far more than I think you could ever know. I know the scars aren't visible on the surface but it makes me worry that if I ever let anyone close enough to see them, they'll run away. I know how to be healthy and happy as just me, but I don't know how to fix the damage already done. What do I do?

No minutes. And I keep typing anyway because I don't want to go to work. I don't want to crawl back into that bed of unhappiness either. I think I would like to rewind and do things over again. Maybe things that matter to me don't matter to anyone else so much. I don't know. But I'm a sensitive creature even though I don't show it and I'm feeling sad. Dang it.

Minus one. I'll be nearly late for work if I don't leave now. I don't want to leave. I don't want to stay here. And the people I want to see are all sleeping.