Monday, July 31, 2006

how much I love Him

I just finished watching Pride and Prejudice. Again. Now, I don't usually like the girl movies; I like science fiction and fantasy and all things completely and totally fictional. But that movie. . . I like happy endings.

This weekend was nice. I spent most of it with my family. I never had so much fun going to the grocery store. Today was one of those days that could repeat itself over and over again to my infinite satisfaction. But no, tomorrow draws nigh with its own joys and disappointments.

And I did get upset this weekend. I got very upset. I cried. And I walked away again just like I always do when I'm hurt. But I'm tired of this. I'm tired of unforgivness and suspicion. I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay as long as we don't talk about it. I'm tired having to choose sides even though everyone tells me it has nothing to do with me, that I shouldn't worry about it. I should worry about it! And I have chosen.

God has always been my joy. He has always been my peace. He has been my song and my teacher and the greatest love of my life. Lately, He has been my comfort, He has been my healer, and my provider, all these things, in ways I never understood before. I always pray that I want to know Him more, that I want a closer relationship, and now I understand that for Him to be my comfort, I need to need comfort. If He is to be my provider, I have to be in a place that requires being provided for. I have to fall down every once in a while to understand just how well, how often, how fast, He will pick me up, dust me off, and set me right again. Words cannot adequately express. . .

Saturday, July 29, 2006

So I just played the same song over and over again on the way home and it did make me feel a little better.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Just close your eyes and sit so still you can feel your heartbeat everywhere. That's where that happy starts.

Mmm. Delicious happiness. I like the feeling that, right now, I am exactly where I want to be. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I don't think I could define exactly what is so happy. I just finished a book with a happy ending. I'm not falling all over that boy anymore. And you know what? He knew I liked him, he told me he didn't feel the same, and it wasn't the end of the world, like I thought it would be. Okay. It was okay. And. . . Lets see. . . I just had a three day weekend, that was two days longer than usual. And I've discovered, again, that God always takes care of me. He always makes things better right before that panic moment. There's always the initial, "oh, that's not good". That feeling slowly builds into a more defined stress/anxiety. And then right before I freak out, so to speak, *poof*, Jesus is magic, and I'm happy again. So yeah. God is good, all the time. . .

You know, if I never needed Him, I wouldn't know how much I need him. If I never fell on my face, I wouldn't know what it was like to be picked up and dusted off. If life was never hard, I wouldn't know the God of comfort. I always pray that I want to know Him more, that I want a closer, deeper relationship. And I understand now that sometimes to know that God is peace, I need to experience chaos. To know that God is my healer, I need to experience pain. I keep falling deeper into the greatest love I'll ever know and it just gets better and better.

This is what happiness feels like.

*Note: So, I was doing spell-check and apparently I spelled "exactly" wrong somehow by switching the last four letters around and the options I was given to replace it with were: ejaculate, ejaculated, ejaculates, ejaculating, ejaculation, ejaculations. Yeah, because that's what I meant by "exaclty". Computers. *rolls eyes*

Thursday, July 06, 2006

We don’t know how to say goodbye

We are standing here
in the parking lot
shifting our weight
from one foot
to the other
somewhere near your car
or mine
or some place between them
talking about arbitrary things
for one more minute
and another
and another

We don’t know how to say goodbye.

we are talking
on the phone
our ears have long since
turned red
and the moments of silence
are growing
longer and longer
nevertheless, we stay on
for one more minute
and another
and another

We don’t know how to say goodbye.

maybe it’s not that
we have terribly interesting
things to share
or that
we don’t spend enough time
I just enjoy your presence
and everything you have to say
and I certainly don’t mind
laughing with you
for one more minute
and another
and another

I do know how to say goodbye
I just don’t want to.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Playing Ketchup

I haven't posted in a while. What's happened? I was baptized on June 25 and it was much awesome. It was a beautiful day and everything was perfect. And. . . Oh, my birthday was last weekend. That was fun. Friday I got a Relient K shirt in the mail I wasn't expecting. Saturday I went shopping after work and then I went to my aunts house for what I thought was dinner but ended up being my birthday party complete with ice cream cake. Yay. Ashley and I made a midnight trip to Super Wal-Mart, and, consequently, I slept through church on Sunday. But I did meet Nika for some slushy-drinking and mall-shopping and she gave me flowers! Not only were they flowers, they were PINK flowers! It was very nice. I had never gotten flowers before and everytime I look at them it makes me smile and feel happy inside. Yay. Then, I went to the movies and dinner with Joanie, Kaitlynn, and Elisabeth. The awesome times didn't end at the weekend though, because today I had lunch with my favorite girls. It was just wonderful and surprising and I liked every moment of it. I liked the surprises very much. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have several papers to write that are kind of due tomorrow. Hehe.

Sarah Jo