Sunday, March 28, 2010

Things I notice (about several different people) :

You are usually on my left side.
I know exactly when we last spoke. And you don't.
Sometimes you say the nicest things to me and I don't know why.
You get passionate about something all of a sudden and then two weeks later you don't care.
The things that upset you I don't understand.
I see you trying to decide the best thing to say.
You want me in your life but keep pushing me away.
When I say I want something you immediately respond.
I laugh more around you than anyone else.
I don't like it when you change our plans. Or don't make plans with me at all.
You only seem to remember how much you love me when I'm in the room.
I'm always nervous because you keep finding things wrong with me.
Some people are much easier to be around.
I used to be more comfortable with you than I am now.
I forgot how much you make me smile. And how silly we can be.
I'm going to keep forgiving you for things you don't even know.
I get the feeling you don't want to talk to me at all.
I don't miss you.
I miss you all the time. Especially right when I leave.
It has been almost a year and you still make me feel sick to my stomach.
It has been more than a year and somehow, we are friends again.
It has been about a year and you became a big part of my life.
There is always something wrong with you.
And you never tell me the whole truth.
And I see you pushing my buttons, even when you think I don't.
I'm starting to see what she meant.
It really does take me a very long time to see people clearly.
You didn't hug me when I came in.
There are always going to be things we just don't talk about, aren't there?
I absolutely love you and I can't say it.
Sometimes I wonder how it would be if I never met you. It might have been better. I can't say that either.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

See? I say nice things about people when they aren't around.

And then all night while sleeping or trying to sleep I kept thinking about things I didn't say.

Robbie and I are going on a bike ride today. He laughs at the frustrating things at work instead of getting upset. I should try that. And he makes me laugh so much. Probably more than most people. And he gives me hope that maybe some broken things can be repaired. And maybe two people can change quite a bit and still be friends with the new people they become. The adventures he comes up with are even bigger then the ones I plan. And when I say, "We should go on a bike ride soon!." He says, "How about tomorrow?" I love that.

I was thinking about best friends.

I had a grumpy day today. I suppose the whole day wasn't grumpy, but I found out something  that upset me early in the day and my mind kept wandering back to it throughout the day.

The spacebar on my keyboard has been testy for I-don't-know-how-long and I still have never gotten a new one. It isn't that it does not work, just that I have to hit it extra hard and sometimes it doesn't actually leave a space. But only sometimes. One would think, with the amount of things I actually type, I would remember to replace it when I was at the electronics store. One would be wrong.

That isn't interesting.

Last night was a lot of fun. Jeremy and I went to BW3's and had dinner and drinks. And then we went back to his house and watched a little Lord of the Rings with his mom before playing Rock Band until I could barely sing anymore. It was an extra nice night. Because if felt like breaking the routine that we had fallen into. Sometimes, even when you enjoy doing things, routine gets un-exciting. And the way he kept saying "one more song" made me feel like he didn't want me to leave when for a long time I felt like I always needed to make sure I left before he had to ask me to. That was a complicated sentence.

But it was more than that. Do you ever think that the greatest things about are a person are things they don't do intentionally? That the best things they ever say are things they probably don't even realize matter? Because I love that he does great things like open the car door for me even when it is pouring rain or buying me dinner even though we are both pretty poor or listening to me talk even when I know it isn't interesting to him, but the things I love the most are things I don't think he even thought to plan.

And it is that way with everyone. Like Ashley can say nice things if she wants to, but the things that mean the most aren't the nice words. It is that she is THERE. She calls me and she listens and gives advice and tells me things even when we disagree or I blatantly ignore her advice or I don't understand where she is coming from. She keeps being there when other people disappear. And that isn't contrived or done for award or recognition. It is who she is. And I love it.

And Christine can look at me from across the office and know exactly what I'm thinking. She knows how to word something just right in a little note to make me laugh when I'm upset. She complains about things that bother me too so I know I'm not alone in it. I love these things about Christine and she doesn't do them on purpose to make me like her.

Johnna teaches me how to be angry about things when I would let people walk all over me. She stands in my place and gets angry for me. And she somehow feels exactly how I feel even though we come from different places and walked different paths. And she puts up with all my gushy, romantic comments and dishes them right back out to me. She makes me feel connected.

Jaylene and Dennis are light-hearted and silly and kind. They make me feel better just being around them. Like life doesn't have to be so complicated. Like sometimes the point of the evening is to eat and dance and make jokes about kissing and poo and laugh and laugh and laugh. No one is playing "games" or all that under-the-surface-stuff. Just being young. Just hanging out.

Sarah R is spontaneous with me. Makes up crazy, ridiculous jokes and random activities. Reinforces the part of me that doesn't need to be girly and pretty to have fun and feel great about myself. She makes me laugh and satisfies the part of me that wants adventure. That hates routine. And she doesn't need me and I don't need her. We spend time together because we enjoy one another and not because it fills some need. Its okay if we don't talk for a week. No drama.

Sarah M makes me think of new life. All these things I've been missing out on. She's got the tattoos and broken heart to match mine and the sense of adventure to go along with it. She sent me a message when I was feeling lonely and didn't even know it. She invited me to come visit her in Columbus before I ever told her I just need to go somewhere.

Katy invites me along to do active things. Initiates it when I usually feel I'm dragging people along to go outside with me. She is all about cooking and eating and introducing others to healthy, nutritious food. And she wants to be green too. And her perspective is different enough from mine that I completely value her advice. I might still ignore it the way I do Ashley so often, but she helps me see from a different angle. She thinks more logically while I think emotionally. And our friendship feels so elastic, like it wouldn't break easily. (Ashley dear, OUR friendship is some kind of unbreakable stuff not yet known to man.)

And Krystal. I didn't talk to her for a long, long while. I can be quite an insensitive jerk sometimes with a killer run-away mechanism when things get uncomfortable, but she still talked to me again. But seeing her last weekend was like going back to a happier time. When we would laugh over silly things and buy dresses and hang out with the boys and go on late night walks and just talk and talk. Just being with her made me appreciate those days. Those nights.

I could keep listing. Going on with every person that I like. That I love. But it IS getting late. And this spacebar is no less testy. My point with all of this, however boring that segment might have been was this: The greatest things about people aren't the things they do on purpose, but the things they always are, unintentionally. Maybe I could take that lesson with me. I don't have to try to make people like me because, if others think similar, the best things about me aren't things I'm doing on purpose anyway.

I haven't seen much of my friends in the last couple weeks. I've been feeling unsocial I suppose. And when I did want to see people, things seems to come up. And when it is sunny and I'm not at work, I want to be OUTSIDE. But it left me feeling lonely at the end of the week.

Jeremy's best friend is Billy. And I told him yesterday that I don't have a Billy and it makes me sad. There isn't  someone whose house I can just show up at without invitation. Someone I'm so sure of I can take for granted that if they want to see a movie, they want to see it with me. If they have a crisis, they want to talk to me. If I want to hang out and do nothing, I can do it with them. Ashley is so far away. And I don't trust people anymore. I don't ask for things. I don't push things forward. I don't have a "Billy". But I do have a lot of people that I love and enjoy and I believe they feel the same way about me. And that will be enough for now. Until I find my other-half-girlfriend-person or Ashley and I live in the same city. Whichever.

Friday, March 26, 2010

I'm gonna be.

I'm gonna be bright. A warm light filling up my corner of the room. I am a force and I will draw you.

I'm gonna be soft. A refreshing touch against your skin. I am nothing that will ever hurt you again.

I'm gonna be whole. No missing pieces or shims or patched-up places for you to repair. I am lovely.

I'm gonna be me. A thing in-and-of itself. I don't need affirmation or improvement or complement.

I'm gonna be loved. Without a doubt. For all the things I already am. And all the things I'm gonna be.

I bought that Ke$ha song, Tik Tok. And I love it. So take THAT.

I complained to my mother about work yesterday. When I finished, I apologized for being so negative. She said she was used to it, that I only ever said bad things about people when I talk about them anyway.

I don't know if this statement is true. It made me angry at the time but I kept my mouth shut. My mother does things like this often. She slides in little remarks that sound harmless but are actually pretty mean. But see, even saying that makes her statement a little more true, doesn't it?

So I'm going to watch myself for awhile and see if it is true. Maybe it is just the way I talk to her. We don't talk very often. She stays in her room and me in mine. And our encounters are usually me getting upset with her. Why  did you take my bike? Why did you smoke in my bedroom when I wasn't home? Why is the counter always covered in bread crumbs and clumps of jelly? So, I don't think my relationship with her is a good example of how I interact with all others.

When I get home tonight, or sometime this weekend, my goal is to focus on the good things about people I spend time with and maybe write about them. But I do that already. I make people lists. I compliment people. But how do I speak of them when they aren't in the room?

I don't know.

This morning I'm in a good mood. I'm sleepy but I had a lot of fun last night with Jeremy. It makes me feel better when some of my other relationships seems to be slowly unraveling. At least things are good there. 

I think I'm going to need caffeine today and I don't have time to stop at the coffee shop. Sadness. I had to pour hot water over my car to unfreeze the doors and windows. Rain to freezing rain to snow last night. What a mess.

Time to go to work.  

Monday, March 22, 2010

I get angry.

I can't watch girl movies. I keep wanting something exciting to happen. Things should blow up or there should be a space ship or fantastical creatures or time travel or something. The romance makes me angry. How can people write things like that? Does love like that even exist? And it isn't fair even if it DOES exist because I'm looking around and not seeing it anywhere nearby. All these people watching these movies about love that just doesn't happen. Or doesn't happen very often.

I feel like I keep waiting for the love worth waiting for. But I don't want some fantasy thing. I don't want perfect. I just want the one that makes me happier just for being there. Happier. Because I'm content all by myself. And he will have flaws. Some awful things, probably. And my girlfriends will say, "I don't know how you deal with that." but I'll smile because I know all the good things they don't see. And I know all the crap he puts up with for me.

And somehow, we will start becoming a little more like each other. Like rearranging yourself to fit closer when sleeping in someones arms. Never any less like yourself, but always a little closer to the other person. (And sometimes a little uncomfortable.)

I don't expect fireworks or a perfectly timed romantic ballad. We will meet. And one of us will say, "I like you." and the other will say, "I kinda like you too." And we shall progress from there.

Or maybe it won't be anything like that at all.

But these romantic movies make me angry. Mostly because I'm alone.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

I lie.

I keep it to myself so you don't know how bad it really is. I don't want to hear the censure in your voice. It is all my fault after all. I know you would listen. I know you would even understand. Really, really understand. But I lie.

Because you would tell me to do all the things I know I should be doing. I know it already. And I'm not doing it. And it makes it all the worse to hear it from you too. I know. But I just can't. Or I won't.

Maybe we all have our own private addictions. At least once in each lifetime. Some people get the obvious ones: drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, any number of things. Other times it is less obvious, less dangerous (but not less damaging) like food, a behavior, a pattern, a person, an activity. We can't stop coming back time and again. Even when we know it is bad for us. Even when we know it is hurting us.

I know you know what I'm feeling. I know you've felt it before. But I lie.

And now the number of people I'm lying to grows. It makes me uncomfortable. I am used to being honest and transparent. I don't keep secrets. It feels like not breathing deep enough when  I stop speaking the things I keep thinking and thinking and thinking.

I have two versions of myself, the one I am around other people and the one I am when I am alone. Then I let my mind wander without making up reasons for my facial expressions. Then I can smile or brood or worry or laugh. But I'm spending more time play-acting. Think about other things to talk about. Think about other things to think about. Lie.

I'm saying all this now because the thing I miss the most about being honest and transparent is perspective. Telling other people about how I feel and what I'm experiencing allows me to get a different perspective on events. They tell me when I'm over-reacting. They tell me when I should be angrier than I am. They tell me I am exactly right. They tell me how they would feel. And it makes me feel better. But not when I lie.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

All the things I didn't say (yet) today:

Texting always feels weird after I cut my nails.
Mud is actually trying to kill me. It has made two attempts in the last 24 hours.
I biked 27 miles today! I decided to turn around at mile 13.5 when I discovered the restrooms were still locked. And then I biked against the wind. It was an uncomfortable ride.
I don't like being cold. Ever. I would so much rather be hot. I'm cold right now.
I think about some people much more often than must be normal.
Sometimes I hide things from my friends so I don't have to hear their disapproval.

Today I spent time with a friend that I hadn't spent time with in awhile. Before I get to that, why aren't there more alternatives to "spend time with"? Hang out with? I don't like these. Anyway, we had lunch. And I forgot all kinds of things I like about him. And there were new good things I noticed. For example, I forgot how much he makes me laugh and how smart he is and how apparent his intelligence is in the way he speaks and the things he speaks about and the way he reacts to other people. It isn't an arrogant intelligence at all. It is confident and easy and probably unnoticed by him. And new things I noticed like how he seems to pick out the good things in me and then say them out loud. And how patient and open-minded and earnestly good he seems. Is it correct to say earnestly good?

And besides all that, it made me think about how friendships change. I was going to say that I suppose we  had/have a relationship elastic enough to handle the new people we have both become. But that isn't true. If a relationship is a rubber band, it totally and completely snapped that one time. Dried out and rotted away before the final snap. And this is something new. Something not dependent on all those other years. And I like that. 

We talked about the fun things we did last summer. Our bike rides. And we planned future ones. He wants to bike through the Keys with Ashley and I. He wants to rent a tandem bike and take it for a ride with me. (Which actually makes me very happy because I REALLY want to do that!) And we are going to try to go 50, 60, 70, however many miles we can this summer. Work up to it. I hope this all happens. I love biking. And apparently I enjoy spending time with him too. 

He made me laugh so much. And he listened to my troubles. And he laughed off things that should upset him and offered me a different perspective. And he told me I was doing a good job. And he just made me feel better having spent time with him. Like maybe after all this time and all the weird moments, we can have an easy friendship again. And I would really like that. I've got so much complicated in my life right now. 

My fingers get cold when I type.

I bought the tickets for Jay Brannan today. I'm looking forward to it very much. I get to see Jay in real-freaking-life and bonus, I get to spend time with my guy-best-friend. And bonus, bonus, I'll probably get to see a little bit of Chicago! And bonus, bonus, bonus, I'll get that satisfied at-least-I-went-somewhere feeling that I need when I start to feel (like I do now) that I-need-to-go-SOMEWHERE feeling.

As I once wrote on Casey's van, I want to go to everywhere.

I think I just ran out of things to say! Strange.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Ashley, Ashley, Christine, Dennnis, Jaylene, Jeremy, Johnna, Katy, Krystal, Nika, Paul, Rachel, Robbie, Sarah, Sarah, and whoever else!

I was just reading another blog about all the things we used to do together. First, it made me smile and miss those days. I wanted to go back. But then I remembered all the hurts that happened between then and now and all the lessons I've learned and I don't want to do all that again. I mean, it HURT.

I miss the days when we would spend every night of the week together. Like we were all each others priority. And now. . . now I don't feel like a priority. More like an habit, I guess. It's so complicated and full of layers and  just not easy anymore.

But I remember when we laughed and laughed. I remember sunshine and late nights and silliness. We can't go back. We aren't those people anymore. But maybe we can go forward. Maybe we can try again.

I remember talking with Jeremy and Krystal about it before it was over. Krystal and I would say that we were sad that it would have to end. That one day it would be over. And Jeremy couldn't understand why we were upset. Couldn't see the end looming there in the unknowable future. It came sooner than I thought. Things got all complicated. Why do things always get complicated?

I don't like the way thinking about it makes me feel. I'm going to think about something different now.

My bike ride today. The sunshine and the power of my feet against the pedals. The wind and the trees and the hum of my tires against the pavement. The power in my hands. The pull of my muscles. The racing of my heart. I missed it so.

I spent some time with Jeremy today after my bike ride and then I met Sarah for dinner. She invited me to come visit her in Columbus for a night of irresponsibility and I think I will. As soon I get a weekend off. And Jeremy said he would go to Chicago with me for the Jay Brannan show. Now I'm excited about both of these things.

Warm weather and sunshine make me feel lighter and more care free. Like the winter months are blocks of ice weighing on my shoulders and they are finally, finally melting. I hate the cold. I hate the gray sky's and dormant, dead things. The color of the whole world is off. It isn't bright enough. And it hurts to be outside. My skin doesn't like the temperature. I shiver.

And I can't find anything as satisfying as my heart pounding to keep up as my muscles work to push and pull me along. Dragging me up a hill. Sweat collecting in the fabric of my shirt. It is just so SATISFYING.

In other news. I didn't tell you this but I went on a date before. Weeks ago. And he kissed me. Did I say this here? And well, it was nice. But he was a stranger. And I didn't see him again after the first date. But it makes me want to kiss someone I care about. It makes me want to experience a different kind of racing heart. It just makes me even more impatient.

I say this all the time.

I have become this adventurous, impatient, bold, sometimes inappropriate and shocking, joyful, open-minded,  experimenting, active, sexually aware, impulsive, blunt person. I am other things, of course. And some of those things I have always been. But I wonder how much of that was  the weight loss and how much is from new friends and new experiences or if the two are hopelessly interrelated. But I like all these things. Even though sometimes I make bad choices and sometimes I get hurt in the process. This thing I'm doing, living, it is so much better than hiding in my room and reading about adventures fictional people are having. Because that is what I did before.

My adventures may be tame things like bike rides and hikes and occasionally drinking too much and baking things with friends and dancing, but at least they are MINE. These days are making  me.

Oh! I thought of something I wanted to say earlier. I had so much fun in those days when every single day was with the same three people, but now I know that wasn't healthy. That isn't being fair to my other friends. And when you spend all your time and energy one place, it is a REALLY BIG DEAL when that one thing isn't going so well. But if I spend my time with Ashley, Ashley, Christine, Dennnis, Jaylene, Jeremy, Johnna, Katy, Krystal, Nika, Paul, Rachel, Robbie, Sarah, Sarah, and whoever else, it isn't so bad when one relationship isn't going so well. I have other people to turn to. They'll listen and it won't feel like my whole freaking world is falling apart. Because I know that feeling. It isn't often true, but it is hard to keep that perspective when everyday is nothing but the one group. It feels safe. It feels predictable and reliable and fulfilling. But when its over, it hurts much much too much. And I don't want anymore much, much too much.

I want to be on my bicycle. I want to be hiking on a trail in the sunshine. I want to be all sweaty and too hot and thirsty and even a little sore. That is when I feel good. Of course, I'll take the other kid of racing heart activities too.

Monday, March 15, 2010

(Because it makes me miss you. (And I don't think you miss me.))

I like this song because of you. It's a good song but I hate that it makes me think of you. I hate wondering if you think of me this often. And what feelings you might encounter when you have thoughts of me. I can't help but assume I am less than a passing thought to you. And I don't know if I'll ever let you know how often you are in my thoughts. It doesn't matter how many days it has been since we last spoke. It doesn't matter who else I'm with or how many times I've heard this song since we sang it together. It always, always makes me think of you. And I hate it. (Because it makes me miss you. (And I don't think you miss me.))

I like to cook things and feed people.

I hate making my bed. Sometimes I will stay up later just to avoid it. I mean the part where I put on the clean sheets. I don't actually make my bed in the morning. That seems like a waste to me. I'm just going to mess it up again that night. It isn't like cleaning dishes. You have to do that after you use it. But making my bed doesn't make it any better or cleaner or more pleasant or anything really. It just looks neater. And I don't really care about how it looks. My leopard print flannel sheets should be exposed in all their glory underneath the brown down comforter.

Anyway. I'll be back after I make my bed, though you'll notice no lapse in time.


Tonight Jaylene and I had plans to hang out. The plans ended up being cooking together at my house. We were going to make an angel hair sun-dried tomato feta pasta stuff together and she was making chocolate covered strawberry cupcakes and I was making better than sex cake and I also had honey/oat/wheat/flaxseed/almond bread in the bread machine. The kitchen was BUSY. And about 15 minutes into prep, with squash and zucchini all chopped up, with water boiling on the stove, with cake batter all mixed up, with the bread rising in the machine, the power went out. We packed up everything and moved to Paul's kitchen. This being a boys apartment, we had to bring EVERYTHING we needed to cook. Pots, pans, spatula, strainer, everything necessary to do anything. They had plastic forks and paper plates. And wooden spoons.

But I think the move made everything much, much better. Because we made enough pasta to feed about 8 people and with the boys showing up at the apartment we got to feed 6. And I like group time even when I don't really know everyone in the group.

I really, really miss group time. Of course, this wasn't the group I've been missing. But I don't think there is much chance of that particular group happening again. Can't turn back time, I guess.

Today was fun. And it reminded me that I have so many people around me that will keep me from being alone. Sundays aren't my least favorite day of the week anymore.

And I worked out hardcore today. And yesterday too. People at the gym keep coming up to me and asking me about weight loss. Congratulating me. Being so uplifting. I have to keep losing. People are WATCHING  me. So that better than sex cake is going to work tomorrow. It isn't staying in my house. I like to cook new things and feed people. I don't like junk food being in my house. And people are a lot more willing to try the angel hair pasta that is chock full of zucchini, squash, spinach,  and feta when they know they get chocolate something-or-other afterwards. They seemed to like it. Who knows?

I like my friends. And I'm glad there are many of them. That part where I spent way-too-much-freaking-time with one or two of the same people left me feeling lost when they aren't around. I'm still reeling. Trying to find my new center of gravity. Trying to figure out how to stop thinking about them so much.

I got in the tanning bed today and got a sunburn. Oops.

My tired mind is going all over the place. This is what I do. But now my bed is made and the hour is late and I'm sleepy. Tomorrow will be DDR. Last night was dancing with wii Just Dance and jumping on the trampoline. See, I'm everywhere. Goodnight!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I. Am. Happy.

I'm happy. I don't know if I say that enough. I forget for moments. And then that feeling creeps in under my skin and across my cheeks and I realize that I really am very, very happy. I have so much. And I keep getting distracted by these little things. These everyday things. And then I realize that they are temporary and fickle and don't even matter in the end. I have so much. And I'm happy.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

You've already heard this before.

I've been here before. That feeling that a relationship is not healthy for me. And I remember last time it was just as painful a realization to come to. And I hate this part. It takes me so long to see most of the time. I don't know why.

I don't like being unhappy. But I suppose that feeling is necessary so I can appreciate happy better.

My thoughts are pretty disjointed right now.

Sometimes, or actually most of the time, I leave my friends feeling so great. They make me feel good about me. Like I'm a person worth being around. A person worth love, attention, consideration, and respect. And there are so many people in my life that make me feel loved and valued that I know it must be true. So when I have a relationship that makes me feel different, that makes me feel not valued, not loved, not worth attention or respect, I know there must be a problem in that relationship. This isn't how it is supposed to be. 

And it hurts a lot to really love, value, respect and appreciate someone when you feel that they don't return the feelings. Or at least not at the same level.

I don't know what changed. Was it the relationship, me, the other person, or just my perspective? Either way, the moments that make me happy seem too short in comparison to the moments I spend worried, hurt, mad, and impatient. 

But I don't know where to go from here.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

More of the same.

I've been reading The Uglies today. And last night. It gave me strange dreams of running from authority figures. Hiding in the ruins of a wasted city.

Today my reading keeps getting interrupted by screaming. It sounds like my dad had some pills of some kind hidden and my mom took them all last night. He says he needs them for work. He keeps screaming and screaming at her. "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" She ignores him and plays with Kiersten. Neither one can see they have a problem. Screaming and throwing things. The baby is in the bathtub. I went to the bathroom to talk to Kiersten. She says, "Mamaw Papaw fighting." I say, "Yes, they are." She asks, "Why fighting?" "I don't know," I tell her. What can I say?

Door slamming. Screaming. The sound of things hitting the floors.

I'll go to the gym. Get away from here. I'll pretend I'm okay and listen to my ipod and try to think about something else.

"How is your mom?" "How is your dad?" People ask me. Some of them know about the drugs. Most don't. What do I say? Oh, they seem okay most of the time, but when it is bad it is very, very bad. Usually they seem normal but sometimes they fall asleep in weird places. Sometimes they scream and fight. Sometimes they stay up all night. Sometimes they scare me. Is that what I say? No, I say, "The same." Always, always the same.
I like technology. Now I can blog from my phone! Very, very short blogs.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Why do I blog?

There is something terribly wrong with me and I can only communicate effectively through the written word.
It makes me feel better about myself, the world, and everyone else.
It helps me make sense of things.
There is a beauty in language that keeps drawing me back.
It feels more permanent when so many other things feel fleeting and intangible.
I like to talk and no one wants to listen this much.
Keyboards make a pretty, pretty sound when I click away.
I feel like if someone really wants to know what I'm thinking, they now have a place to find it.
I'm not consistent, disciplined, or brave enough to write a book. Yet.
If I don't post it on the internet and there is no chance anyone will ever read it, it doesn't feel like I wrote anything at all.
I'm secretly hoping someone will fall madly in love with me simply by reading my ridiculous, honest, repetitive, emotional, confused ramblings.
If I don't leave a record of where I've been and how I felt about it, how will I measure progress?
These posts are like snapshots of the real me. The one you don't see in photos.
I have a lot to say.
I am selfish and vain!
This gives me something satisfying to do with my random bits of free time.
If I want to, I could type away in a coffee shop and people would think I was up to something important.
My friend had a blog way back when I wanted to try it. I'm not usually very consistent and I don't stick with things often. This turned out to be an exception.
I have a hard time saying things I need to say to people. To faces. With my mouth. But I often wish they could read the words I say to them here.
Sometimes there are things I need to say to a person that they don't actually need to hear.
It makes me feel heard.
I need to keep up my typing skills for work. (Lies!)
Sometimes I think I'm clever and I amuse myself by arranging words and sentences and ideas in clever ways.
I'm convinced that if I write enough, my spelling will improve. It hasn't happened yet.
Since graduation I feel like my brain is deteriorating. This is my attempt to slow the decay.
I don't want to watch TV.
I don't want to be like everyone else.
I don't want to live a life unexamined.
I don't want to be invisible, unheard, and silent.
I like the way it feels.
I like to read over things I wrote ages ago.
It keeps me in the practice of writing.
Because I must.

What do you want to be?

Do you want to be a day of my week? I may not know what is going on the rest of the week but the one day, that day is always for you. We could have a routine. Or it could be a new adventure every week. Always, always on my schedule. A thing I don't even consider going without.

Or we could be occasional friends. We hang out maybe once a week. Or once every other week. Whenever something is going on. Whenever we are both free. We don't need to talk everyday. We don't need to know every detail. We keep up with the big things. We stay in touch.

Maybe that isn't enough. What do you want to be? Do you want to be the one I text everyday. Good morning. How are you. What are you up to today? One day a week doesn't feel like enough but a few texts make it okay. Maybe I can see you twice this week. Several times. We go on trips together. I tell you everything. You do the same with me. We know each others schedule. When something goes wrong, you can be my person. When I have good news I tell you and two other people. One of my best friends.

Too much? We could talk and be friendly when we run into one another. We have the same friends. I see you when we are in group settings. We don't really talk much outside of that. The occasional text for specific questions. I really enjoy being around you but we aren't the kind of friends that hang out together alone. We are friends when we are in the same room. And thats enough.

Still too much? We don't see each other. We used to be friends. But stuff happened. It happens that way sometimes. We would talk if we ran into each other somewhere. But really, that doesn't happen often. We don't have the same friends anymore. We aren't in the same social circle. The things that held us together have dissolved and we are barely acquaintances. Really just echoes of a thing that was. Over.

What do you want to be to me?

Friday, March 05, 2010

I am going to tear it down. Brick. By. Brick. A slow demolition. It shouldn't be a thing constructed anyway. It should be organic. A thing that grows. All twisting branches and open leaves. Sunlight filtering through and a gentle breeze. A thing that sways in the wind and produces fruit. A thing that lives. Not this thing of bricks. I am going to tear it down.

If writing makes me feel better, I may just have to write a lot more.

I spent years in her shadow. She was sexy, strong, confident, interesting, engaging, open, adventurous, sexual, exotic, and bold. I was none of those things. I was friendly and happy. I was the fat friend tagging along. So glad to be included. And I wanted to be so many things she was. She taught me how to be open. She tried to teach me confidence. She showed me what it was to be sexual and bold. I learned a few lessons.

But I was always, always comparing myself to her. Falling short. And I could see other people do it too. I could see it in their eyes and in the placement of attention. She even pointed it out to me once, "He said the night we first met all the boys they were arguing over which one would get to date me." I was unseen. I was invited along because she was invited. I was included in the conversation because she was there. I was beneath notice. I was invisible.

And I was okay with that. I hated myself so much I was grateful for any type of attention. Any inclusion.

Then I started losing weight. Slowly I began to gain the confidence that I so desperately longed for. And I began to see the disparity in our relationship. It was unhealthy for me. I could see so well now all the bad parts. I couldn't stay. And I couldn't find a way out.

But she did it for me. She was suddenly busy with her new boyfriend and we hung out less and less. I made new friends and filled my time with them. I learned who I was without her. And I liked it. When she expressed an interest in working with me again I declined. I knew I couldn't do it.

There are so many things I miss about her. The way she pulled me out of my comfort zone into adventures. The way she opened up whole new worlds to me. The way she could just talk to people and draw them in. The way she got me to dance and taught me how to flirt and opened my eyes. I miss all those things. But the things I don't miss make me feel sick to my stomach. The unnameable things that push me back into that insecure, scared girl that I was. How can I say that she reminds of a time and a person I never want to be again? How can I say that all her attempts to make me feel more confident and more sexy and more beautiful only chipped away at the small bits of self-worth I had? I used to think I was interesting. I used to think I was engaging. I used to think I was worthy of attention. I had to learn that all over again.

And he was in love with her. And I think still in his mind, even after all the horrible things he might say about her, even after his repeated confessions that he isn't in love with her, he doesn't want a relationship with her, I think he still uses her at a measuring stick for other women. I think he is still in love with some version of her. He still isn't free of it.

So when he compares me to her, even in an offhand, joking kind of way, it makes me feel hurt, angry, and sad. Because I will never, ever be her. And I don't want to be. And we are two different people. And these are two different relationships. And it is unfair and cruel to say things like that to me. And it makes me want to say cruel, unfair things right back. But instead I keep my mouth shut, go home, and write about it. Because I don't want to inflict any damage, even when I am angry and hurt.

Thursday, March 04, 2010


I came home tonight and didn't feel like being social. I texted several people and that was more than enough for me. I needed to be alone with my thoughts for a bit.


I feel like I keep hoping back and forth between two angles. Like those shots in the movies where they only light half a characters face. One moment I'm on the right side, looking at the lit half and the next moment I'm on the left side staring at a face swathed in darkness. I don't know which is more accurate or if they are both parts of the same whole.


I feel like I keep running my fingers down the dull edge of a knife. Until I get complacent and begin to think of the knife as a thing no so dangerous. But my fingertips keep getting bloodied by the sharp, sharp point.


I feel like sometimes people we love say things that hurt and upset us and it isn't always possible to tell if they meant to cause pain or if it was accidental. If he laughs when I'm angry because that was the intended result or if it is because he is uncomfortable and sorry and doesn't know how to fix it. And perhaps I get unreasonably angry with him when I wouldn't be so upset with another person. Or perhaps I am unreasonable patient with him when I wouldn't put up with quite so many missteps with another person.


I told another friend of mine this once and I'll say it again: I will forgive you over and over again. Even when you hurt me on purpose. Even when you don't even care. As long as you keep wanting my forgiveness, it is yours. Because I love you and I don't want you to hurt the way you make me hurt. But each time I'll step back just a little more so you can't hurt me as much as you did before. Because I love you but I love me too.


Wednesday, March 03, 2010

I supervise like nobody's business! (Whatever THAT means.)

I normally get along with just about everyone. Even when I don't like someone or they don't like me, we usually are able to be cordial to one another for the duration of the time we must be in each others presence. I have a co-worker that this just isn't true for. We clash. Severely. And I'm sure some of it is me but I, being me, can only see what is wrong with her and SHE PISSES ME OFF! I'm civil to her but I swear I have to take breaks to go to the back room and just calm down.

Right now I'm on my lunch break calming down. I could go on about all the ways she is horrible but 1.) That wouldn't help the situation, 2.) It would only make me more angry and most importantly 3.) I would be pretty upset if the situation were reversed and it was she listing reasons of why I'm horrible with no way to defend myself. So, I would like to emphasize that this is about how I feel. I'm sure I have a bias even if I can't see it for the red haze surrounding my vision. Haha.

I have about five minutes left of my break before I have to go back out there and face the world. Stupid world.

Actually, I love the world. And I woke up this morning in a fabulous mood. And today has been good so far, frustrations and all. Because, I have a job. I have lots of friends who love me. I have a family that loves me. I have a car and a place to live filled with nice things that I enjoy. And I'm healthy and a lot more than I used to be. I have plans with my friends to fill my time and money to spend in that time. And I feel safe, happy, and secure most of the time. No one hurts or threatens me. No one makes me feel repressed or powerless. Sometimes people hurt my feelings but I recover quickly and they rarely do it on purpose.

Perspective can do amazing things to a person. If only I could learn to stay in the right perspective. But that is an entire different kind of entry and my lunch break is now over.

Thanks for listening.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

I enjoy bein' a girl. (Sometimes)

I actually came home at a decent hour tonight. Lately I have been coming home in time to take off my clothes and climb into bed with my make-up still on (which feels really gross in the morning, by the way.)

I'm gonna talk about girl stuff now. Be warned.

I started feeling sad and what I call "grumpy" around the end of work for absolutely no reason. I searched my mind for what might be making me feel this way and realized that there was no reason. The thing I thought I was upset about was no thing at all. After work I went to the gym and sat in my car staring at the steering wheel. I didn't want to go in. I wanted to go home and cancel my plans and mope around my bedroom and feel sad about things. That is when I decided that it was most definitely hormones. And I think it was the first time I realized that while in the middle of the feelings. So I went into the gym.

I wanted to stop. I was about ten minutes into my treadmill walk thing and called Ashley to distract me from the slow, slow timer and my grumpy feelings. She really helped. She redefined my mood as "whiny" which was actually much more accurate. After my work out and phone call and cliff bar I was feeling friendly again just in time for Johnna.

I'm just saying that it is inconvenient enough to have to have fluids leaking from me for five days, I don't know why I have to deal with things like irrational feelings and sore body parts before it all begins. So unfair.

It just made me so angry to know that what I was feeling had absolutely no grounding in what was going on in my life. Sometimes (or a lot of times) I'm really sensitive and worry about things too much and over-analyze and generally feel too much in reaction to things that are going on. But at least that is in response to something actually happening. Not this, "I just feel sad today" business. What is that about? Grrr.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Sometimes I spell "disappointed" so wrong spell check has no idea what I meant.

I've been to the gym nearly every day for the last week. I think I need new shoes. My toes and the skin on my feet hurt from rubbing inside my shoes. I've been working out hardcore!

I did a lot of screen watching today. I watched spartacis with Jeremy and then we watched Much Ado About Nothing. We were supposed to have a group movie date and that didn't happen. I was pretty disappointed. Normally I'm just fine with having more time with just Jeremy, but I miss group time. I miss doing something different. I miss going places and doing stuff. I don't like this routine of just sitting down and watching stuff together.

Johnna and I went to dinner and to the movies to see the Crazies. It was good. I was wishing there was a man there who would be properly unafraid and I could hide my face behind his shoulder. But it was Johnna and I cowering together. That was cute too.

We discussed how much we want a Person. And we both have the longing for companionship as well as just someone to touch. Sit next to. Hold hands. Cuddle with. Kiss. I didn't think about any of these things before. Now I have to about sit on my hands and concentrate when I'm around certain people. Ahem. That sounds just about awful. That is what the truth looks like, kids.

It doesn't hurt to type anymore. I think I'll end this post with that disappointed, hoping feeling. That's where I am.