Friday, May 29, 2009

You are:

The flavor of grape Gatorade in my mouth
and the satisfaction of muscles all worn out.
Terrifying rock faces under my toes
and the anticipation that gets me through the day.
Contentment at just driving in your car
and the laughter that makes my abs sore.
A blush spreading up over my cheeks
and eyes I could keep looking into with questions.

My lunch break flying by as I talk talk talk to you
and the mirror of my deepest insecurities and fears.
The beauty and attention I wish I could possess
and the give and take of verbal, physical, and emotional support.
The balance and opposing force that makes it work
and a lesson in positive affirmation and self awareness.
Sunny afternoons around and around the park
and the safe place I know I can put all my worries.

The play of muscles moving over one another under the skin
and the rhythmic pounding my feel against the pavement.
Tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks 
and too much bubble gum in my mouth.
The tug of war inside that makes me feel like falling down
and the sudden misplacement of gravity.
The worry over micro-expressions and inadvertent body language
and the puzzle I can't quite put together.

The reason I run out of clean laundry too often
and the mess all over my bedroom floor.
Sleepy mornings when I've stayed up far too late
and my sudden co-dependence that makes me hate alone.
The topic of conversation whenever you aren't in the room
and the place my mind wanders off to in the quiet moments.
My favorite part of the day.
My dear, dear friends.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

And now I have a phone call!

I slept FOREVER last night and I'm still sleepy today. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I have to go to the grocery store and get breakfast food.
And I'm sunburned.

I don't really have anything important to say I was just alone and wish there was someone here to talk to and there isn't so instead I'll type things. Sigh. 

One day someone will decide he likes me enough to live with me and then he'll have to listen to me talk when I come home from work. Unless he's at work then. Or he doesn't want to listen. But then, if he didn't like listening to me we wouldn't be living together. So thats that.

The weight loss has slowed down a lot and it stresses me out. I keep working hard. It keeps being slow. What is up? 

I fell asleep with my make up and clothes on last night. Now its all over my pillows. The make up, not the clothes. And I dreamed that I went back in time to 1991 and I couldn't do anything because my credit cards weren't valid and my money was too new and the computers sucked and no one had cell phones and the boxes on the shelves at the grocery store looked all funny and outdated. Weird. And then I had another dream that we were going to do a full moon ritual at Roosevelt school which, in my dream, had been abandoned and then taken over by crazy people. We wanted to cast a protection spell on it to guard against fire because in my dream I had dreamed that it burned down. Then, we were going to cast a protection spell on ourselves using the great, strong spirit of the school and the ground upon which it stood and it would work because of how much we loved the building. Weirder.

Monday, May 25, 2009

My dear, dear friends:

We don't take pictures.
And we never have a plan.
Sometimes I make you do things you don't want to.
And sometimes you do the same for me.
Occasionally, you say something that hurts me.
Of course, I'm insensitive and selfish.
I probably call you too often.
You surprise and delight me constantly.
I'm afraid to show you just how much I could need you.
We do stupid things sometimes.
You make me want to better. Always better.
I analyze things too much and get confused.
Who you are is completely beautiful and absolutely enough.
I don't know what comes next.
These memories we make keep me sane when I'm alone too long.
When you aren't with me, I tell everyone else about you. All good things.
I worry too much.
Sometimes I want you all to myself.
Sometimes I want you to have me all to yourself.
I really, really care what you think and what you have to say and what it means when you have that look on your face.
Occasionally we are so close I think we must be the same person.
Other times the distance between us frightens me.
I already miss you.
I have this crazy idea that if I could just hold onto all the inside jokes you would see just how much we can make together.
The compliments are all lies. I think you are so much more amazing than these stupid words could possible convey.
You make me hate sleep and work. I used to like those things.
I keep wondering what on earth I could do for you to make you feel as good as I feel just getting to spend time with you.
You make me laugh until my eyes water and my abs hurt and I can't breathe right.
I want to tell you everything. All of it. But I wonder if you could handle that?
I want to hear everything. All of it. I could handle it and love you more afterwards for it.
I do love you. Just as you are right now.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

I can't wait to find my person. I can't wait till he finds me.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

The couch at Kidd works best, because its so comfy.

I'm really in the mood to write. Actually, I would rather share my heart with someone but I find myself censoring more and more these days. Somehow, things that were simple have become complicated and I don't know what to do about that. I kind of want to sit at opposite ends of the couch with someone and talk and stare at one another until our throats hurt and we having nothing more to say. I find that I reveal more and more the longer someone talks to me. I think I wait to see if they cared enough to hear the first thing before I'm willing to share the second. 

I miss the feeling of getting to know someone and letting someone get to know me. I'm so different than I used to be. I think it would help me understand who this new person is if I could watch someone else react to me for the first time. I want a new friend.

I used to think good things about me. I blamed all my problems on being fat and then I could ignore everything else. Now I know that some things are because of my weight but other things are just my flaws. I think I went overboard on the introspection and freaked myself out at all the things I don't like about me. I go from one extreme to the next. 

So, I now charge myself with the duty of falling in love with me again. If I don't love me, how could anyone else? I'm going to do my best to romance myself until I realize that, despite the ugly parts, I really am awesome. I really am someone worth loving. And one day, someone is going to be amazed that they get to be with me and I'll be amazed that I get to be with them. 

Its going to be great.

New things about my new life:

I like the sunshine and the way the wind feels on my face as I pedal down the path. I love the way my weight shifts from one part of my foot to another as I push myself up a root-covered trail. I'm happy when my lungs burn for more oxygen and my heart races to pump it places and I know I can keep going. I can keep going.

When I sit down, I can wrap my arms around my legs in a hug. And when I'm in the passenger seat I can bend down and adjust the hem on my jeans. I can sit cross legged and lean forward. My legs twist this way and that as I adjust my sitting position over and over. So many possibilities. I fit in the chairs now. When I go out to eat I don't have to worry about the table pressing into my stomach in those booths.

Apparently, a strong man can carry me on his back. (Although I did worry about said strong man during the experience.) And I don't feel like a huge, hulking monster all the time. I'm starting to feel smaller.  I can reach places on my body that I couldn't before and it doesn't tire me just carrying myself around. I am strong. And I'm not a burden to me.

Sometimes I absentmindedly run my hands over parts of me that have changed because I  like the way it feels so much. My  hand cup my neck that seems so much smaller now and my fingers trace my stronger jaw line, no longer hidden behind the double chin. Back and forth my fingertips slide over the sharp edges of my collar bones. I grip the muscles in my upper arms and measure them with a squeeze. I like the firmness I find there where once it was just soft.

And when I'm hungry and I think about what would be good to eat, my brain goes to things like cottage cheese, slim fast, baked chicken, lean cuisine, whole grain breads, peanut butter, lean lunch meats and hummus where I used to think of hamburgers, fried chicken, french fries, ice cream, and mashed potatoes. I don't even want those things now. Now I crave the foods that make me feel good more than the ones that taste good for a few minutes. How will I feel later? This is the important part.

Now time with friends involves activity and moving instead of just sitting around together. We can ride bikes or walk together while we talk instead of eating horrible foods and then going home. I don't feel guilty about pizza if we bike two hours first. And I don't have to choose between spending time with friends or being healthy.


Somewhere I lost that shell of protection that told me that I was a good person, despite being fat. Somehow I lost liking myself. I began fixing one problem and then saw all kinds of others. I suppose the more changes I see in myself the more it becomes glaringly obvious that I won't be able to change everything. I can't fix it all. I will never, ever be perfect. But I sure hope I can be good enough.

I don't really know who I am anymore. The me, as I see myself, has been shattered like so many pieces of a mirror and I feel like I'm peering into partially glued-together mess trying to see whats left. What pieces survived the crash and what crumbled beyond all saving? Who is this girl walking around with my name and my voice and some something vaguely similar to my body?

I guess I just keep hoping someone else will tell me that they see me. This new me. And that they still like what they see. And then tell me over and over until I believe it.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

I know its not just me, but its hard to remember that.

I'm still all worried about dating. My concerns are a little different this time, but the main themes seem to run through my life like a guiding current. The ripples on the surface may change with the wind, but underneath the water always flows one way. I am worried.

First, I'm so inexperienced. Will I ever find someone who thinks it okay that I have no idea how to do anything? I've never kissed. I've never even held hands. I don't know what it is to just hold each other. Other things are completely beyond me. Things I never allow myself to imagine. I don't know, but I do want to learn. But more than it being "okay" with someone, I want it to be cherished. My person should be glad to claim my idle hands and my lips before anyone else. I think I deserve that. 

And then theres my body. That's an old concern, but its different now. Now I'm smaller, but this body will never be what it could have been or what it should be. I have extra skin. I have stretch marks. I have squishy places that should be firm. I have all kinds of not pretty. I look better with clothes on. I don't know if I'll ever, ever be good enough that way. What can I do to make up for it? And why do I spend my whole life trying to make up for myself?

And I still don't like people touching me, even when I want to know what it is to be touched. I'm afraid that if someone touched me the horrifying reality of exactly how gross my body is would come crashing down on them. I don't want to see that realization in someones eyes. Its better to not let them touch me, right?

I've lost 99lbs. Its been such a long journey and it so far from being over and I'm so impatient. I want to be noticed. I'm so tired of being the fat one. I'm so tired of being the not pretty one. I'm so tired of feeling like the picture frame, only there for support and structure.  

I know I'm making progress. And I know that its all so much better than it was before. But really, I'm still alone. And I don't want to be that anymore.