Tuesday, May 05, 2009

I know its not just me, but its hard to remember that.

I'm still all worried about dating. My concerns are a little different this time, but the main themes seem to run through my life like a guiding current. The ripples on the surface may change with the wind, but underneath the water always flows one way. I am worried.

First, I'm so inexperienced. Will I ever find someone who thinks it okay that I have no idea how to do anything? I've never kissed. I've never even held hands. I don't know what it is to just hold each other. Other things are completely beyond me. Things I never allow myself to imagine. I don't know, but I do want to learn. But more than it being "okay" with someone, I want it to be cherished. My person should be glad to claim my idle hands and my lips before anyone else. I think I deserve that. 

And then theres my body. That's an old concern, but its different now. Now I'm smaller, but this body will never be what it could have been or what it should be. I have extra skin. I have stretch marks. I have squishy places that should be firm. I have all kinds of not pretty. I look better with clothes on. I don't know if I'll ever, ever be good enough that way. What can I do to make up for it? And why do I spend my whole life trying to make up for myself?

And I still don't like people touching me, even when I want to know what it is to be touched. I'm afraid that if someone touched me the horrifying reality of exactly how gross my body is would come crashing down on them. I don't want to see that realization in someones eyes. Its better to not let them touch me, right?

I've lost 99lbs. Its been such a long journey and it so far from being over and I'm so impatient. I want to be noticed. I'm so tired of being the fat one. I'm so tired of being the not pretty one. I'm so tired of feeling like the picture frame, only there for support and structure.  

I know I'm making progress. And I know that its all so much better than it was before. But really, I'm still alone. And I don't want to be that anymore.

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