Wednesday, May 06, 2009

The couch at Kidd works best, because its so comfy.

I'm really in the mood to write. Actually, I would rather share my heart with someone but I find myself censoring more and more these days. Somehow, things that were simple have become complicated and I don't know what to do about that. I kind of want to sit at opposite ends of the couch with someone and talk and stare at one another until our throats hurt and we having nothing more to say. I find that I reveal more and more the longer someone talks to me. I think I wait to see if they cared enough to hear the first thing before I'm willing to share the second. 

I miss the feeling of getting to know someone and letting someone get to know me. I'm so different than I used to be. I think it would help me understand who this new person is if I could watch someone else react to me for the first time. I want a new friend.

I used to think good things about me. I blamed all my problems on being fat and then I could ignore everything else. Now I know that some things are because of my weight but other things are just my flaws. I think I went overboard on the introspection and freaked myself out at all the things I don't like about me. I go from one extreme to the next. 

So, I now charge myself with the duty of falling in love with me again. If I don't love me, how could anyone else? I'm going to do my best to romance myself until I realize that, despite the ugly parts, I really am awesome. I really am someone worth loving. And one day, someone is going to be amazed that they get to be with me and I'll be amazed that I get to be with them. 

Its going to be great.

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