Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Not homework.

So, I have several of those 3-ring binder things full of random pieces of paper. The pages are all different sizes and types. Some are lined with that furry stuff on the edges. Some are sheets of computer paper that has been folded too many times. These pages are poems (and songs) I wrote ages ago. Before I started storing everything on the computer. What. A. Mess.

Anyway, I was looking for this song I wrote, of course, ages ago. I didn't find it. But I did get distracted by all of the horrendous poetry in there. Whew. I barely made it out alive. Remind me not to write another poem. Like, ever. Oh, the song. This song was one I sang in a talent show, yes, ages ago. And I wanted to read it again. It was called "Me, in a nutshell" and was comprised of several descriptions of me. I wanted to see how much I've changed, but I guess that's not happening. Because, really, who could find ANYTHING in that mess?


I want to write about today's me, in a nutshell. So here goes:

I love to sing and hug people. I hate waking up in the morning. Children delight me. Insects frighten me. I love Jesus. I talk too much and silence makes me uncomfortable. I'm happy. People, lots of people, use adjectives such as weird, strange, and crazy to describe me. Seriously, I love to sing. Books are awesome. My family is more important to me than friends could ever be. I'm easily excited and/or distracted. I sing a lot. I'm about to sneeze. I like me.

Sarah Jo

Sunday, February 26, 2006

The not-so-secret secrets of Sarah Jo:

Happiness is a choice, not an accident or fate or condition.
Get/give at least 3 hugs a day.
Smile, even when it doesn't feel good.
Give compliments, often, even when its a complete stranger at the mall.
If its not nice, don't say it.
Get excited about all the little things, like this cool new pen!
If you can't fix it, stop worrying about it.
Forgive them, even if they never ask.
Don't let anyone steal your happy.
If you feel like singing, do it.

I fought with myself this morning. I won, of course.

I was going to say that not liking guys would be great. But then, I would just get distracted by something else.
I'm awesome at getting distracted.
I start projects, and never finish them.
I begin SO excited, and then lose interest, or stop giving that thing time and/or attention.. And not just with projects. But all kinds of things. Like people, and God. And that won't work.

So I say to myself, that I want a relationship, BUT: How long would I remain interested before I possibly lost interest? Or, would the relationship distract me from God? The latter, of course, being worse than the former.

And this, my friends, is just one reason.

I know that God will never be done "fixing" me. But I think there are some adjustments that need to be made, before, before, before

and so I'll wait. And I'll work on doing that patiently.

Sarah Jo

Saturday, February 25, 2006

"Oh, its nothing. You don't want to hear about it."

This invisible wall between me and other people is losing its invisibleness. Or something. I'm becoming more aware of it.

People don't tell me stuff. Like, regular stuff they tell other people. They don't tell me. What do I mean by "stuff"? How should I know? People don't tell me. Mostly, maybe, about things they do that I don't do, or wouldn't do.

Umm, this isn't going well.

How can I get close to other people if they censor everything for me? And why?

Do you think I don't want to hear about it?
Do you think I wouldn't approve?
Do you think I would like you any less?
Do you think I would be disappointed in you?

If you are my friend, I want to know about all of you, not just the parts of you that are most like me. I care about you and I want to know you more.

There are so many things I want to say. I keep typing and erasing.

I'm trying my best each day to follow after God.

I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Please don't push me away.

I'm just, I'm hurt. And I don't know how to fill this space in between us. And I don't know how to be like everyone else. And I don't want to. But I don't want to be alone, here.

There are all these people around, and they think I don't notice the silence when I draw near.

Sarah Jo

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Have you heard the new Chris Tomlin cd? It is awesomeness indeed.

So Sarah, what have you learned?
I do ask this question of myself quite often. Not out loud, of course. I'm not crazy. Yet.

I've learned that when I finally lay down my pride and admit that I need something, God fills my heart with so much peace. Apparently, I can't do everything on my own. I know, I'm shocked too.

I want to write a song. I've wanted to do this for quite some time. I can't find the words. The Lord fills my heart with joy and it makes me want to sing. It makes me want to cry. It fills me with anticipation. How could words ever be enough to describe what the Lord has done in my own heart? His grace is such a contrast to my stumbling, tripping, falling, attempt to follow Him.

Thanks for listening. It makes me feel heard.

The Sarah Jo-ness

Monday, February 20, 2006

The same nice to everyone

It happened again.

Of course, you don't know what "again" is because I've only discussed it with Ashley and Mom. So, I shall explain:

I seem not to be included in the category of single/looking/datable people. I'll be in a group of people, not the only single one, and someone will say about the OTHER single person, "we need to find you a nice girl/guy" (whatever their preference happens to be) No one ever says this about me. And it happened again today. And it just makes me feel hurt and confused. Do you not think I'd like to find a nice guy? Or that maybe no one would want to date me? Or that I'm not interested in relationships? Is something wrong with me? Is it because I'm fat? Is it because I'm a "good girl"? I'm confused. Could someone please explain this to me? What is this barrier that separates me? I'm only left to draw the worst conclusions.

Its like, on the one hand, I think the fewer relationships, the better. I need to have faith that God has already chosen my future husband for me, and I need to be patient and wait on His time.Right now, God is making me the woman my future husband needs me to be, and He is making my future husband the man I need him to be. I don't want to gather all kinds of emotional baggage and I don't want to give away my purity in tiny doses to keep someone with me. God knows my heart better than I do, and He knows what I need. Everything around me tells me to be patient, faithful, wait on God, God always provides. And I don't want to lower my standards for the sake of dating.

On the other hand, how on earth will I ever marry anyone if I don't date them first. And I pretend it does not bother me that nearly every other girl I know has at least had one boyfriend. It really starts to eat away at my self-confidence. I have all these doubts. I feel like such a teenager. I feel like I am missing out on something. I feel inadequate.

I said all this to my mother. She told me that it seems like I'm not interested, that I've got other goals that don't include relationships. She said people probably assume that I don't want to date at this point in my life. She also said that I'm hard to read. That a guy would not know that I like him anyway, because I'm the same nice to everyone.

I usually feel better after talking to someone about it. And I'm not quite sure why I'm getting upset about all this right now. But I cant think of anything that would comfort me right now. I don't know how to tell people how I feel about them. I don't know how to say, "I like you. I enjoy spending time with you. I want to spend more time with you and get to know you better." and look that person in the face without fear and doubt in my eyes. I can't keep my insecurities from keeping me from everyone else.

How on earth do I tell him how I feel? And what if he doesn't feel the same? I'm afraid that he doesn't and that I would be so embarrassed and uncomfortable around him afterwards, always. But I'm more afraid that I'll always wonder, what if? How do I stop being "the same nice to everyone"?

But really, can someone please be painfully honest with me?

Sarah Jo

Friday, February 17, 2006

A lesson in patience or Excuses for cowardice.

During my observations today, a veterinarian visited the children. She brought a dog with her and she told the children they could pet the dog if they got in a line and did so one at a time. My class stayed on the mats while the other two classes lined up. The eager five year olds wiggled and scooted closer to the dog. They craned their necks and sat up as straight as they could. They wanted so much to pet the dog, but they had to wait.

Has it ever happened to you that all of a sudden you hear/see something EVERYWHERE? And you think, this cannot be a coincidence.

Wait on God.

Several different people are talking about this. And I see books about it. And I hear sermons about it. And little radio snippets about it. And each time it weighs on my heart instead of gliding past like so many other conversations.

I get so impatient sometimes. And I think that I cannot wait any longer. Time is short. I know what I want, give it to me! But, I only know what I want right now. And I don't know what I need. Or even that I'll want it very long.

Please please please.
But please please please.
Oh, please please please.
Wait, child.

And I feel like one of those children, waiting for the fulfillment of a promise. If one of the children had bolted over to the dog, he might have lost his opportunity to pet it altogether.

What happens if I do not wait? What happens if I'm wrong and this is my only chance and each day is one opportunity wasted?

I know what everyone tells me to do. I know what my heart tells me to do. The problem is that the two are so very different.

Lord, please?

Sarah Jo

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Stuff 'n Junk

Went to campus crusade tonight. It was much fun.

And totally unrelated, my daddy sang for me tonight. I had never heard him sing.
And he bought me tires. And lunch. That was fun.

So, now I'm tired. And I feel like SUCH a teenager. But perhaps we will get to that later. But we never will.

Sarah Jo

Monday, February 13, 2006

You know how girls like to talk about guys they like to everyone willing to listen?

What makes me happy is
that you asked me to go there with you

NOT because you wanted someone to go THERE with you
but because you wanted to go somewhere with ME.

I don't think anything you could ever do
could make me like you more.
But then,
you keep proving me wrong.

And though you are nothing I ever thought I wanted,
or maybe never dreamed to want
or was too afraid to want
(because I never want for what I KNOW I cannot have)
you are everything I ever really needed.

I didn't say it out loud,
because I thought I might reveal too much,
but I like "hanging out with you" because:
  • you make me want to be better than I am
  • you see the best in me and I never want to disappoint you. Again
  • you are so many things I want to be
  • you say I am things you want to be
  • you've already drawn me closer to God
  • you make me smile so much more and genuinely so
  • you make me feel so comfortable, safe
  • you listen like you care what I have to say and you hear the things I do not say
  • you sing and smile and laugh freely
  • you do exactly what you say you are going to do
  • your emotions show all over your face and your hands and the way you breathe and move
  • We are alike enough to have a connection/ a base and different enough to have room to explore
  • you make me feel special
  • you are smart, funny, charming, honest, and genuine

I do not think I'll ever deserve someone like you
So, I will cherish every moment until you are taken from me

Life is beautiful. And so are you.

Sarah Jo

Saturday, February 11, 2006


I'm so tired of being. . . tired.

When does it stop?


Sarah Jo

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Just in case you cared:

Relient K is playing at Spirit Song on Thursday, July 6. I'm SO there.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

What does it feel like, to fall in love?

Sometimes I look into the mirror, and I hate myself.

But more often than that, more and more everyday, I see the beauty in me.

And I hope, one day, I find someone that sees that too.

Sarah Jo

Thursday, February 02, 2006


I purchased The Little Mermaid on Amazon. It was shipped 14 days ago. I never received it. I'm pretty sure someone in this world is one Disney movie richer.

You would think a person would get used to having things stolen.

Sarah Jo