Sunday, January 06, 2013

Feelings and such.

I've been spinning words around in my head. Trying to make a cloth from this thread. But I keep losing words for images and touches and sounds.

I try not to think of myself as damaged goods. I know I'm not any worse off than anyone else that has walked this earth for 26 years. We don't make it through unscathed. We acquire damage and baggage and the like. So I try not to think of myself that way. But I can't.

See, for so long I had to learn to live inside myself. I became a pillar of strength. And if I cried I did it alone in my room. And if I needed anything I managed it myself or did without. Then I met this boy that seemed like he listened. It seemed like he cared. But that was all a farce. When I asked to be treated with respect he called me needy. Somewhere between living with my parents and trying to love that boy I learned that needing anything from anyone was a terrible idea and no one wanted to deal with a needy girl and I shut myself up.

But now

Now I've found this wonderful man. And when I cry, he holds me. And I try to apologize for crying and he tells me I shouldn't apologize. And somewhere in the last five months I've started to need this wonderful man.

I just need to hear his voice and know how he is feeling and how is day is going. I just need him to hug me and let the strength of his arms and the length of his embrace to show me how he cares. I just need him to cuddle up with me and share adventures with me and laugh at my antics. I need him to stick around when I poke fun at him and for him to tell me stories and let me in his life. And yes, I need him to hold me when I cry.

And he does all that. And so much more.

But I still struggle with trying to choke back the part of me that wants to tell him that I miss him though I saw him only two days ago. And if I'm honest I missed him that night when I came home and he wasn't there to talk to. And I had stupid tears of happiness coming out my stupid girly eyes talking on the phone with him tonight because it was such a relief to hear his voice in my ear. But I couldn't tell him that. I struggled for a way to phrase it so I didn't sound like a stupid, pathetic, needy girlfriend.

Because I keep expecting the horrified reaction that I could miss him that soon. Though I KNOW My John would never say that to me. So how can I keep preparing myself for a blow when I know one isn't coming? How do I say this in a way that makes sense? I learned to behave a certain way because of the way other people treated me and I get angry and frustrated with myself when my automatic reaction is fear because THEY hurt me but HE never has.

Being in love with John is better than I imagined love could be. I prepared myself for something tolerable or even never finding love at all. But this is something else. I will continue to endeavor to deserve him. And also to find my words.