Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Being alive is hard stuff.

Being alive is hard stuff. And I'm tired. Sometimes, I just wish I could have awhile where I could feel safe, secure, and content all at the same time.

I mean, sure, happiness lights up my life like so many fireworks, but that just makes the darkness seem SO much more consuming while I wait for the next round of amazing.

I don't know what its like to be other people. We all have our trials and our joys. I don't know if having so many "bad things" means I'm strong enough to handle them, or that I'm weak and I need these things to make me stronger. Some days, it feels that one more blow is going to knock me down for the count. And I don't even want to get up again. I really am tired of hanging on.

I just want to be able to fall apart and let someone else catch me, but I end up being the one picking up the pieces around here, holding things together the best I can. And now I'm afraid that I CANT let anyone else help me hold it together.

One day. One day. One day, it will all be over, right? Things will get better. They keep telling me that things will get better, I only have to survive until then. I'll survive, but I'm gonna come out of it scarred beyond belief, and nothing will ever fix me. And I'm tired.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'm afraid of butterflies.