Saturday, July 31, 2004

Squeeze Back

I find, I do not miss people very much until I see them. (Well, with the exception. (And my heart still aches for you. (You, who will not read this. Not for a very, very long time.))) And so it was, when I saw Johnna today. I do not know her very well, but I think that she is the coolest person I have ever met. More unique beauty, I have not seen in anyone else. I wish wonderful things for her. I do think of Johnna often, because she gave me two Relient K CD's (my favorite) and I listen to them everyday. Anyway, thinking about a person and missing them are two different things. Its like, I think I miss them, but then I see them and my mind and soul cry out joy for it, and oh, how I've missed you.

The worst missing I have ever experienced is with the babies. When I haven't seen the two E's for a while, I just want to hold them for a bit until I am satisfied. Oh, how I've missed you. Give me a hug. No, you are supposed to squeeze back, silly.

Wow. I'm done with this thought.

The distance between us.

What I would give
to tell you everything,
I do not know.
My heart beats faster
and my palms dampen
even at the thought of it.
And that time
I almost told you
something real
my breath came
and I could not
sit still.
my only courage
is the distance between us.

I do indeed.

I decided today,
under no uncertain terms,
for the first time,
without condition,
after careful examination,
without prejudice,
or bias,
I do indeed,
like me,
and you should too.

Wonderful, with me.

I am filled with silences where the roaring words will not do. It seems emotion is rushing through my veins but I know that it is adrenaline. It seems that though you are not here, you speak to me and I quake at the thought of it. It reminds me of a story I read, "Liar", by Isaac Asimov. (I wont explain the whole thing to you. If you are interested enough, read I, Robot.) Is this the truth, or my own delusion? I do not know if my desires will come to fruition, or even if they should, or even if I really want them to. I only know that right now I feel something and it is wonderful. Please stay here, wonderful, with me.

I miss you.

I wish I could be in that place again, when you and I were together for a moment (not really together though) and we made each other happy. In that moment you were all I wanted anyone to be and you made me feel that I was all you wanted me to be, and I was just being me. In that moment I showed you everything, even my ugly things, and you made me feel beautiful. I was scared to death and you made it worth while.

Even now as I remember how I smiled till my cheeks hurt, I cannot find that feeling that made me do so. My memory is not adequate enough for this and I just want to say: I miss you.

My Mistress

If I be married to the light,
I find my mistress in the dark.
She seduces me
with her shadowy curves
and fleeting embrace.

Always I need you.

Almost like floating in warm water, this feeling. I am comfortable and safe and weightless. Here, I will go where you take me, because you never take me by force. Gently, you blow across the waters and they take me where you will. Today, I will not fight the current. Today, I will be with you. I will not say that I have no fear; I fear much. I will not say that my faith is great, for I have found, my faith, and my love, are conditional. I love you when I am happy. I love you when I am safe. . . There have been, and will be, times when I doubt you, when I don't want to believe in you. (Always in my heart I long for your nearness. Always I need you.)

I ask today: Let me feel this way always. (Even as the feeling is evaporating.)

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Confound Me.

Inspire me.
Break down my defenses
hurt me.
Make me
my footing,
fall into your arms.
Remind me
how weak
I really am.
Show me
how much
I need you,
right now
that's what
I need
of you.
Touch me.
For Goodness Sake
touch me.
Show me
Show me
Close my eyes
and imprison me
in darkness
(for a moment)
so that when you
open my eyes again
I will really see you.
Make me feel
Don't let me
end all my sentences
in periods.
I don't want grammar;
I want emotion.
I don't order;
I want you.
I don't need
to understand everything.
I only need
Maybe a poem doesn't have to hug the left margin.
Or be at the
of the page.
  • I will never surprise you.
  • You will never forget me.

These things confound me.

  1. You loved me.
  2. I loved you.

And in that order, too.

Memories and made-up things.

I'm drifting in the swirling pool of thought that is my mind. Every once in a while I bump into solid thought, but I quickly bounce off and spin out into some new direction. Here where the colors swirl into one, I see shades I've never seen before. Maybe there are a million colors I've never seen. I feel defined by the lack of variety in the colors of the world. I want more.  Images flash before my minds eye of a thousand memories and made-up things.  I see things I have never even seen before. Like the face of the protagonist of my favorite story. Maybe this is a face I have seen before, a face I decided to give this character, a face stored in the vast storage bank inside my brain. There are things here I never knew I knew. I put things away in section. I cant hold them all at once so I store them. I forget where I put them. What did I file it under? You ask me if I remember the time we. . . and I don't. You say it was raining. I don't remember. You say it smelled like cotton candy and then I know. I believe we remember everything that ever happened to us, we just file it away somewhere and then forget where we put it. Maybe we only use a small fraction of our brain because the rest is storage. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about. I read in a book that there are endless possibilities for the human gene. That we could multiply endlessly without ever creating two alike human beings. That we do anyway. This makes me feel things. There can never be another human being just like me.  Drifting away from this thought, now I am somewhere else. I finished a book last night and the whole world of it is still saturating my brain. I interact with the characters in my head looking for the answers to the questions. When I read I cannot wait to get to the end to find out what happens and I am thoroughly disappointed when it is all over. I like books that come in a series for this reason, because then it is not really over. But I finished my book last night and I have a taste of something and I want more. Bring it to me. I want to sit back and observe the world some more. I want to be in the ever-growing city and watch the waters flow into the room with the great pool. I want to walk along the tunnels under the city and see its naked edge. I want to hold the hand of the protagonist as we rush toward the climax of the story. I want to be there again, because it was beautiful.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Dont quote me on this.

I wanted change. I get tired of things staying the same. I will say that this is because I have moved quite a bit in my lifetime and everytime we moved it was to a better place. Life improved with each move, each change. So change for me is positive, I think. Well, this is what I believe today. (don't quote me on this) I like change in decoration mostly. I paint my room often and I get new bedclothes and I rearrange everything and then I feel better. I want to move now, as a matter of fact. I would love to live in Carlisle, near the rest of my family. Well, near most of my family. I would rather be there than here. There is nothing here for me anymore. I am not in high school. I don't have to worry about living in the district and all that stupid crap. I can move now. Some of my best friends are moving away to college. Anyway, I am not bound by how far my parents are willing to drive me anymore. I can drive myself. I can go anywhere. I have my freedom now. Hey guys, if you want to go do anything, I can drive us anywhere.

I was thinking about going to china a lot today. Mostly because I got my immunization and my arm is a little sore and that was enough reminder for me. I am excited. I'm very excited. I cannot wait to meet my new cousin, wherever she is. How must Joanie feel? Its her own daughter, in the care of strangers until we can go get her. I want her right now. I want to hold her and let her know that she is loved and wanted and needed.

It is heavy upon my heart to adopt my own child from China one day. I am more sure of this than I am of anything. I need to. My heart aches. This is my job. I can save one child. Maybe I can save two.

Well, I've resisted the temptation to read my book long enough. I have given you my attention, now, its Isaac Asimov's turn.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Forgot my books, got lost, late for class, pop quiz. . .

I had bad dreams about going to school which means that weather or not I choose to admit it, I'm nervous. I'm afraid that Ill mess something up or that I don't know enough. I don't even know what it is that I don't know. No, I don't know what I mean.

I'm struggling with something. No, that's not it. I know that I shouldn't do this thing but I do it anyway because I like it. Its okay with some and not with others. Don't worry, no one knows what I mean, and I wont tell you. But anyway. . . It all depends on what I believe weather it is wrong or not. No, correction: who I believe. Anyway, enough of that.

Well, No, I'm done for tonight.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Shut up/(and love me back)/I like boys/ Is this a poem?

I couldnt decide on a title, you pick.

I like boys
(Even though
I fear them
-shhh (Its a Secret))
I want one
of my very own
and somehow
Im not allowed to
say this
(People usually laugh
or change colors)
And girls say
"You dont want one,
boys are sooo much
and then they go
and call their boyfriends
I want
. . .
or change
a new relationship
(Of course, Im not entirely sure that "new" is the correct word to use if there is no previous relationship to be described as "old")
I want to experience.
I want to feel.
I want to hurt
and love
and laugh
and cry.
I want to get my heart broken.
I want to completely abandon myself.
Shut up
and love me back.

And then I found it.

So today I lost my purse for awhile. I was very upset. My purse contains my keys, my money, my Social Security Card, my id, my MUM id, my immunization referall, my atm card. . . Can you imagine how long it would take me to replace all that? So anyway, I was late for work because I had to call my dad and have him drive me to work. I cried. My mom found my purse. It was underneath the chair in the living room, somehow. I dont know how these things happen, but I was very relieved. I cannot describe to you the level of deppresion I experienced when I thought my purse was gone. Whew. Sweet relief. How can I be so dependent on material things? I dont like it. I dont like it at all.



Thursday, July 22, 2004

Just checkin in.

I found a new author I like. Well, not a new author, I just started reading him. Issac Asimov. Cool stuff. Really feeds the sci-fi geek in me. Yep.

Well, I think Ill go read now.

Monday, July 19, 2004

My "F" word poem.

I wasnt going to write anything, because I feel I dont have anything interesting to say, but, I still want to talk, so there. I watched The fifth element today. I think Ill watch it agian. I love that movie.

Maybe I could just give you another poem and that would fill my creative quota for the day. Is that okay? Okay. Here it is.

The "F" Word

Your every other word starts with an "f"
And rhymes with stuck
Yes, that’s what you will be
If you keep it up

Your frequent use of this word
Is ever so persistent
Your I.Q. must be very low
And vocabulary, non-existent

You use it as an adjective, verb, noun
In every sentence
You’ve even mastered all its forms
In all the sense and tenses

I did not mind so much
That you would fill your mouth with trash
‘Till through the air and to my ears
Did this garbage pass

Your right of speech you have obtained
And used it plentifully
But disposed of and forgotten
Is your right to purity

Please keep in mind those around
Whose ears your words will rape
And learn the virtue of silence, or vocabulary,
For goodness sake!

Hoping that you do, praying that you don't.

So much of me in these posts. So much of me could never be in these posts. Like that look I get on my face when you say it that way. Or how I'm afraid to look at you when you look at me that way.  Or even how I react when I read your comments, your IMs, your emails. How I react to you, here. No one could read this and know me completely. No one could know me completely and not read this. I am fragmented, hidden, cryptic. I am afraid to let anyone know me completely.
I contradict myself quite often. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I need. I don't know what I believe. I don't know what I want you to do, to say.  I said once to make me uncomfortable. I'm scared to death that you will, hoping that you do, praying that you don't, waiting for you to, running from you when you might.
"Whats going on inside of me? I despise my own behavior."- DC Talk
I should be somewhere that is not here, in front of this computer. My fingers should be on someone and not this keyboard. 
Touching is strange. I think there is more to touching than meets the eye.  (Please, I'm not talking about anything sexual.) Its like we share something when we touch one another.  We should always touch people we like. Why am I afraid to touch people? Oh, because I'm afraid of people touching me.
Well, I've got a petticoat to make.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

S pa ceB ar

I made potato soup tonight and ate it until I felt sick. I love potato soup. Yum. But I feel like crap now.
Im happy. I was thinking today that I could be happy for today and tomorrow. Im happy.
(My fingers keep hitting the space bar at the wrong time.)
I had the strangest instance of deja vu today. I told my dad when it happened and the thing he said was exactly the same thing I knew he was going to say and it freaked me out and then I walked to my car and he yelled something out the door that was exactly what he yelled out the door last time, and I dont know what he meant either time he said it, if that makes any sense.  Strange.
Im thirsty.
So I have the day off tomorrow and tuesday. Thats fun. Yep.
I worked hard today. Im tired.

Saturday, July 17, 2004


My face will hardly ever tell you how I really  feel. I don't always tell the truth. I've learned the art of lying. I have met a few people that could see past my facade. No, they actually put forth the effort to really look at me, and I let them see me or maybe just for a moment.  But tonight I let her see that I was mad, and I didnt tell her why. Maybe I should have told her, maybe I shouldnt have. I told her before when she made me mad. She did it agian. The same thing. So I didnt tell her agian. I told her that when she did this thing, I felt this way. She did this thing, and now I feel this way, and I wont tell her why again. If she doesnt care enough about me to even remember not to do the thing that makes me mad or even that it makes me mad, then Im not going to talk to her. I dont talk when Im mad. It takes some effort. Feels vulnerable to say why I feel the way I do. Makes me defensive. But I told her, once. She didnt earn the right from me to say it again. I will only talk to a person when Im mad if I trust them. If I think they will still like me even if I am mad at them, even if we dont like each other all the time. I dont like her. I dont want to talk to her anymore. Im sorry I ever did. This is me. Treat me better. Give me respect. Dont talk to me like that. Dont say it like that.  I want to say that to her. You are not better than me. No one will ever be better than me. No one is better than anyone else. We are equal here. YOU ARE NOT BETTER THAN ME! DONT TREAT ME LIKE THAT! DONT SAY IT LIKE THAT! DONT DO THAT IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE! STOP TRYING TO MAKE  ME FEEL INFERIOR! Just stop. I dont feel organized enought tonight to give you paragraphs. Im upset. Im mad. I was going to say something else and I lost it.  I dont remember anymore. Sigh. I dont like being upset. It is too much work.  Ah, I have to work early in the morning. Thanks for listening to me.

If you like "CK" you'll love. . .

I'm not ashamed of it;
I wear cheap perfume.
I've got half a dozen bottles
on the dresser
in my room.
They are named things like
"Our version of:
Clinique Happy
J'lo's 'Love'"
It doesn't matter
they all smell the same
like something familiar
alcohol's the name.
You know what else I'm not ashamed of?
I use cheap shampoo
(but I'll save that story for later,
(when its just me and you.))

I almost

I almost see you,
dancing out of sight
as my eyes follow you.
(But there is
where you
just were.)
And I almost heard you
but then
I paused the
and there were
normal sounds
(cars honking,
my air conditioner humming,
and my breathing)
And then
I almost feel you,
that tingling on my arm,
but then,
it could have been
the air
my hair
(or something).
(There it was

Friday, July 16, 2004

Change, heh.

Wow, so the little window changed. That's new. I like change, as long as it is positive change.
I feel relieved today. I took care of things that were stressing me out. I feel better. Sigh. I have to work in a couple of hours. That's okay though, I want the money.
I went to lunch with my mom today. It was nice. I like spending time with her.
I haven't had much to say lately. I just. . . have been wrapped up in so many other things.
So Ashley C. and Chris and Ben and I went to go see spider man 2 last night. It was broken so we got to see King Arthur for free. I liked it a lot (I didn't care about spiderman anyway)
My heart still aches but I will just pretend that it doesn't because I shouldn't care this much. I shouldn't care at all. Yeah, that's all I'm going to say on that.
I'm going to go downstairs now and spend some time with Mom.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

I hope I love you.

Yesterday the sunset made the sky look like a sea of liquid gold. The sun shimmered ripples of gold across the sky. It was beautiful. I was driving home from Kenwood mall. The lights of the cities against the golden sky was breathtaking.

Today I watched the clouds crawl across the sky.

Ashley and I saw the movie The Terminal. I recommend to to you. It was funny and it made me want to cry too. I enjoyed it.

I worked nine hours today. Im tired.

I havent written in a couple. Sorry.

I wish I could say something to make this worth your time.

I have said that before.

Im going to go to bed now.

I hope I love you.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Im done.

I like Relient K a whole lot. I think Ill join the fan club. Well, not right now because its under reconstruction or something, but soon. I dont know. Thats just what Im feeling right now. That. . .girl who likes a band feeling. I dont know what I mean. Whatever.

So Im bored. I want to do something but I dont want to spend money. Im feeling so cheap lately. Its just, car insurance is so expensive it makes me feel like I shouldnt spend money on anything else. Like I should save every penny Im not using on bills. But no, Im doing that. No way. Im having fun. Im tired of not having fun.

I think Im going to. . . you know what? Im done.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

To feel the music.

I have a few minutes before I leave for work, so I thought I would make an entry here. I dont really have anything interesting to say, I just want to talk. It looks like rain outside. This is affecting my mood. I want sunshine. But, I do like thunderstorms. If it rains, it better storm, is all I'm saying. I dont like just a wimpy little rain. I like thunder and lightening. It invigorates me to see and feel all that power. Like last night at the concert when the bass filled up my lungs and make them vibrate with the music. I could feel it in the air. It was nice to feel the music.

Im alone in the house just now. I dont like being alone. Even if I am in my room for hours, I like to know that my parents are downstairs if I would want to talk to someone. The house is all dark and quiet, like it is asleep. I get scared when its dark and quiet, even when there is someone here. Im always looking around corners and switching on lights before I walk into the room. *shiver*

I guess I should go. I dont really want to work today. Im still all worn out from last night. I had the best sleep ever last night. I had vivid dreams but I dont remember them now. I just remember trying to hold on to them as I woke up. I couldnt. I fell asleep at the foot of my bed laying on top of the covers fully dressed. It was funny when I woke up, I hadnt realized I was falling asleep. Have you ever done that? Heh. It was great. That was my first sleep. I put my pajamas on and got under the covers. That was my second sleep. It was better. Felt nice. Dreamt nice. Yum. I wish I could be there again, but sometimes when I lay down in my bed Im not satisfied or ready or something and it doesnt fit right. I want to be that tired again. That was a good sleep. I want to go to another concert. It was awesome. I looked on ticketmaster and couldnt find anymore christian rock concerts anytime soon. OH well, Ill have to wait.

Oh, right, work. Talk at you later.

Spirit Song

So I feel like a little sim with all my little need meters down. Im tired. Im thirsty. Im hungry. Im dirty. I hurt. I probly smell. I cant hear. I'm sunburned.

But, I dont think I have felt this good in quite a long time. Wow is all I can say. Spirit Song was awesome. There is just a power and energy coming from the bands and from the audience and swirling around and it felt nice. It was great when the crowd moved together in one mass and when the guys (because there was only one girl perfoming today) would scream and double over and lift thier hands to the sky all in passionate praises to God. My poor heart was confused. There were all these bands that looked like bad boys and sounded like bad boys, but they were all good boys, the best boys and all I could think was, I want one. I want to take him home and keep him in my closet and bring him out for entertainment when Im down. Oh, thats right, thats what the CD is for.

So I was just walking around between shows and Relient K walked right by me. I thought I might die. Of course, I didnt talk to them. Im too shy for all that. Seeing them three feet away from me was good enough.

Ashley and I sat right near the front. We could see the guys sweat running down their faces.
Oh, we saw: Morgan Trevor
Sarah Kelly
Relient K
*someone else*
Day of fire
Audio Adrenaline.

I loved Subseven, Kutless, Relient K, and Day of fire the best. I did not like Audio Adrenaline that much, but thats just my opinion, take your own.

It was awesome. We got to rock and worship at the same time and then not at the same time and then at the same time again. It was. . . I cant say awesome one more time. I wish you could have been there jumping up and down with me. It was like reckless abandon. I didnt care what I looked like because I was having a good time listening to good music and singing at the top of my lungs to my God. I feel full. I feel fulfilled. I feel happy. I feel pink.

So I purchased a black tote bag that says "I LOVE CHRISTIAN BOYS!" on it. And I purchased a KLOVE visor cap and a Pink t-shirt that says "I am a Princess." on the front and "My father is the king of kings" on the back. I didnt particularly want that one, but it was the only one I could find in a larger size, which irrates me quite a bit because I saw plenty of plus-sized people at the concert. Cant we buy cool t-shirts too? I mean, really. I wanted the shirt that said "Free Hugs" and the shirt that said the same thing as my tote bag. I saw someone once that had a shirt that said "Hardcore Christian Chick" That was pretty awesome too. Anyway girls, there is a cool website for christian girls called (Im not trying to advertise, I just thought it was cool)

Anyway, so now that I told you how much fun I had, I need to take care of myself because, well, I do stink. And Im thirsty, and Im. . .

Thursday, July 08, 2004

I am just the moon.

Ugh! Can you believe I made a post just for work crap? Whats wrong with me? I think I need more of a life. I was trying not to complain anymore. I got tired of my own blue moods. Im feeling grey today. I don't know why. I keep trying to feel something but all the happy pink feelings just keep getting sucked into the growing black hole in my heart. Whats wrong with me? I dont know. I would like to pretend that he is the reason but that would be wrong and it would make me obsessive, which I am not. Its not him. (Why am I feeling guilty that my heart doesnt ache just for him?) Anyway. I've got some angry red emotions here. And some bleeding dark hurt ones too. Im not sure. Something fill me up with happiness again. I was there for a while today, earlier, and then the life got sucked right out of me again. I can be this anymore. This is not my job. My job is to be happy and make everyone else happy and hide my hurt in poetry. I don't want to write a poem. I want to cry, unashamed. I want to be held. I want to be loved completely, all of me. I want my religion back. I want God back. I need Jesus. That's it. This is what it is. This is what I have been running from. This is what I long for.

Everyday I run away from you is a day I am in pain. I need you. I deny you and my heart breaks. I ignore you and I cry. I disbelieve you and my soul is a void of nothing. All the light is sucked out of me when Im not with you because you were always my light. I am just the moon, reflecting you. I was never happy of myself. It was always you. It was always you. And I need you. Im sorry. I love you.

Wow. Just wow. This is me talking to myself. This is me thinking. Unedited Sarah. (Or right from the can, Tommy) Im afraid to show you this but, whatever. Ill never be loved if people only love the facade, right? Sigh. I feel all mellow now (and yellow too, this time.)

A Raise!

I forgot something exciting. My manager told me yesterday that I was getting a raise. Thats exciting, dont you think? I get 25 cents more an hour. Also, after July 27 I have a weeks paid vacation. Ill have to save that for china. (Thank you, Charming Shoppes) They gave me a paid day off for my birthday. THat was nice. Makes me feel like a human being. No, thats not it. Makes me feel like they know Im a human being. Anyway, I cant stay long, got stuff to do. Ill write at you later. Lots of love.

Sarah Jo

Us and the fire and forever.

Joanie invited me to dinner tonight. It was nice. We all sat around the table and ate together. We even said grace. It reminded me of some tv family from the fifties or something, but it felt nice.

Lauren and Nick wanted to have a fire and roast marshmallows for smores. And we did. There was something gratifying about sitting around the fire and sharing stories with each other. It felt right. The sky was beautiful. There were clouds and they looked like a giant Z in the sky. Ashley said it looked like God had run his fingers across the sky. That made me think of the sky as some great fogged window that God was trying to wipe off to get a better view. We were having so much fun God wanted to watch. The clouds slowly dissolved until it was Us and the fire and forever. It made me feel small.

I liked the smell of wood burning. It reminds me of camping when I was little. The way it burns my eyes and stings my throat and I get closer, its familiar. Its comfortable.

I wish I could feel this everyday. Just take the day and do with it what I will. Not ask, just go. I worked, but I had all evening to do as I please. I cant wait until I have a real job, a day job, so that my nights can be mine.

What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Can I be content going to the same job, the same room, day after week after year? Yes I can. I can do that. Im capable of that. Can I find someone to come home to day after week after year? I sure hope so. I really do.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Elisabeth (and her sundae)

She's got
whipped cream
all over
her face.
She offers
a bite.
(I politely

"Savior" Skillet

I'm everything you've wanted
I am the one who's haunting you
I am the eyes inside of you
Stare back at you

There's nothing left to lose
There's nothing left to prove
Surrender your love
It's all you can do, yeah

What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
But I know, yeah, I know
What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
Your savior

It's time to redefine
Your deophobic mind
Don't hesitate, no escape
From secrets on the inside

There's nothing left to lose
There's nothing left to prove
Surrender your love
It's all you can do, yeah

What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
But I know, yeah, I know
What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
Your savior

I am the eyes inside
Staring back at you [2x]

You need, you need me, yeah

What you want
What you need
Everything's gonna crash and break
What you got
What you need
Everything's gonna crash and break

What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
But I know, yeah, I know
What you got
What you want
What you need
Gonna be your savior
Everything's gonna crash and break
Your savior

I'm watching you
Cause you need me
Yeah, yeah, cause you need me
I'm watching you

Phil. 4:8-9

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."

Dont Look at me. (Look into me.)

I like music. These last couple of days, I have just really been into music, christian rock to be specific. My emotions are determined by the guitar and the voice of the singer. I am no longer under my own control. I just want to coast along for awhile, because I havent been doing a very good job at controlling myself lately.

Heres all I want to say: Im sad that it seems to be over. I cried for it. But then, Im glad that it happened. I like that I feel all these new things, even if I dont like the things I feel. I would have rather been here than to live forever never having felt this. I dont care if you know what Im talking about. I just want to talk. Im sad. Ill get over it in a few. I sit here in anticipation of something Im thinking might not happen. Two sides of me arguing. One says: ITS OVER! HELLO? GET OVER IT! IT WAS NOTHING ANYWAY! And another part of me says: It was fun. I hope its not over. I dont think it is. This is just a lull. This is just a speed bump. Its not over. It wasnt nothing. It was nice. Its not over. It cant be over so soon.

Why am I saying this? Dont read this. Ignore this. (Please listen to me) Ignore me (Please hear everything I say) Just go away (never leave me alone) Dont look at me (look into me) Dont touch me (hold me tighter) Please (please) Thank you (thank you)

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

A Long Hug.

They laughed at me. Im still upset about that. And James called me a nun. Im a girly girl. I like pedicures and sunsets and pink. I cry and Im sensitive. So what. Am I supposed to be ashamed of this? What the heck is all this estrogen supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to ignore the beauty all around me? Well, they can go ahead and live in their ugly drug-induced nightmares. I dont care what they think. Yes I do.

Im in a horrible mood. Ashley knows why. I dont care to say here. I dont trust everyone with my feelings. Im just sad. Im just lost. I just need to cry and not be ashamed of it. Sigh.

I like my new christian rock cd. It makes me happy. Sigh.

I think I just need you. I just need a long hug.

Monday, July 05, 2004

What I did.

I most enjoyed the sunset yesterday and James and his friend laughed at me for it. It was all hot pink. The clouds looked like they were sitting on a glass ceiling, they were so flat. The hot pink was only on the bottom of the clouds. I just sat and watched the pink fade into gray. The day fade into night. Emilie sat on my lap and we watched the sun set together. She and I. When the fireworks started, Emilie and Elisebeth and McKenzie all sat with me on my blanket. We talked about what the fireworks looked like. It made me happy. It made me want a dozen of my own little girls.

So earlier in the day we had a cook out and we swam and had ice cream cake. I enjoyed it very much. It was a nice day. Sigh.

So Im still harboring this negativeness but I have buried it somewhere in the happy for awhile. I need people I think. I want to have a good time with people I like. People that like me too.

I had forgotten how much I loved to spend the day with my family. It fills me up inside. Thanks guys.

Sunday, July 04, 2004

Hermit Crab

I dont like it when you leave me here in this place feeling this way. No, you have never left me in the place before. I dont like it when people leave me in this place feeling this way. I hate that I did not tell you what you made me feel. I hate that I stopped talking then, like I always used to do, like I havent been doing recently. So here I am, back where I was before and I dont like it. I was comfortable here for a long while. I made this my shell. Then I stepped out. I tried out the world for a while. I grew a bit. And then I saw what you could do to me. And I got scared. And I came back here and snapped shut. Im afraid of you. Im afraid you knowing me.

Whispered in my ear.

Today I have this heavy feeling right here in my chest. This is doubt saying that what I am will never be good enough. That if I let people in, they will never love what they see. That everytime I open up, Im going to get burned. That people will always be too insensitive, they will always hurt me, they will always disappoint me.

Im telling you this and it scares me as I write. Because, I know this feeling well. I have been here before and I don't plan on staying long this time. I wont let doubt change my current course. This feeling is outside myself. This is the demon whispering in my ear. I see you now, and I wont believe you this time.

I cant assume so much about other people. If I don't let people in, I will never know another person, I will never feel anything, I will never know love, I will always be alone. And I think for that, that a little bit of uncomfortable is a lot better than a lifetime of loneliness.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Dont say it, boys.

I feel so girly today. I just want to cry for no reason or be mad at somebody or something. But, Im happy. I know that Im happy. I don't know. I probably shouldn't even be saying this because then the guys are going to say "PMS". Let me tell you that there is nothing worse one can say to a female, even if it is pms, and its not, thank you very much. Its just, I feel so many things. Its too much for me now. Just right now. I need to feel one thing at a time so I can savor each one individually. Roll it around in my mouth for the texture and taste of it. I was embarrassed. I was feeling like I shouldnt have said that. I hated that feeling. I wanted to cry. (and this is for you) But then you said the right thing. You always say the right thing. And I was thinking bad about myself today. I was having a bad self-confidence day, I could say. But then you made me feel better. You make me feel beautiful. I wrote a song like that once, and a poem. I never really felt that way, I had just read about it. But here you are and I just wanted to say that I appreciate you. I really do.

I like. . .

I'm sitting here. Ashley is sitting behind me. It makes me nervous that she is there. Im sure she is not reading it, but still. Its like, performing in front of an audience or something. I know its just a blog, but, this is me honestly and I don't have to look at anyone while they read it. People can look disgusted at first and have plenty of time to compose themselves before they see me again. Sigh.

What do I want to tell you tonight? I want to tell you that Im trying to be something different. I am trying to be more. . .open. I guess that's what I mean. Im trying to be comfortable enough with who I am to show you me. Im tired of playing hide in my poetry. I want you to see me, no matter how terrifying it may be.

here's me: I like. . .

to play pioneer with Katy because Katy loves to play pioneer with me. I love to play dress-up. I love to be someone else for a while. I love to sew. No, I don't want to take any classes or learn a pattern, cus then It wouldn't be fun.

to read. I just go to the library a pick up random books. I don't care what they are about.

to watch movies. I don't care what they are about either, well, unless they are cop/shooting/gang/detective movies or sex/drugs/Adam sandler movies. *cringe*

being somewhere and talking for hours about anything with anyone.

spending all day with my family.

going to the movies with Ashley C. She's my very best friend. Then we can talk about the movie all day long. "I loved that part where they. . ."

being silly.

being around my little cousins.

typing here.


writing poetry.

reading my poetry to someone I trust. Wait, there's more than trust to it. Someone Im not afraid of.


my bed. (Although it is no longer my favorite place to be.)

Um, I think Im done for now. I don't like listing all the things I like.

Friday, July 02, 2004

In this spot.

Im feeling a bit distracted today. Stressed. So many things I need to do. So many things to remember. So many places for my attention to go.I just know this, I like to talk with you. I wish I could spend all day doing that. Oh, so, I cant stay here long, in this spot. Thanks for listening.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Midnight Conversation with Mom.

We were
and she asks
"Do you know
what I mean?"
and looks at me.
That is not
what she means.
She means,
"Do you agree?"
and I don't
so I just
look at her
looking at me.
She asks again.
She needs me
to say, "yes"
So I say,
I love her.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Well, its officially my birthday. I'm 18 now, although I think it doesn't make any difference. I've been saying I was 18 for months. It just sounds better, dontcha think? I guess I don't care. I'm a bit preoccupied tonight. For one thing, my Mom made me a cake a found candles and all we have to do now is icing it. We are waiting for it to cool. But shhhh don't tell her (I don't much like cake) Oh, she just brought it up to me and sang to me. I love you mom.

SO now I'm going to go downstairs and spend some time with her and tell her this.