Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
The first gave birth to the second.
The White Hat People
Post secret explains itself. BUt the white hat people, you have to read the very first post to know whats going on. And yes, I did go to the movies wearing my white hat too. Didn't see anyone though.
So, lately I've learned some important lessons about me. And I've decided that I'm happy with who I am and I don't need to spend time with people who make me feel otherwise. I'm done with that. And this post.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Thank you, fellow waiting room person, for telling me all about yourself while we waited.
Thank you bagel counter worker lady, for laughing with me.
Thank you, elevator guy, for complimenting my hair.
Thank you to all the nice people that smile back at me, to all the nice strangers. I didn't tell you then but I'll tell you now, you DO make a difference. And I noticed.
Friday, December 01, 2006
Really. So, he didn't want to tell me he lost my movie. He tells me he has the disc at his friends house, but he left the case at home and thats why I found an empty box with no movie. He says he'll bring it back home in the morning. I went over to said friends house who tells me Christopher brought over another movie (you know, they didn't co-ordinate the stories) and that Christopher wasnt there at the current moment, he walked to the store, would I like him to call me? No, I would not like him to call me. I drove down to this store. It closed an hour ago. I drove back to this friends house. Suddenly, Christopher is there now. He hands me two movies that are decidedly NOT the missing movie. I asked where this missing movie is. Its in the basement, he says. At home again, this movie is not in the basement. Its lost. And I'll have to pay the fee for it.
So once again, he lied, did this save me from being mad? NO! Now I'm upset about the movie, AND upset about the lie. I HATE being lied to. It is so disrespectful. I just can't come up with words for it at the moment.
Okay, I'm done.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Finals are coming. I'm happy.
Projects are piling up. I'm happy.
Things aren't going the way I planned. I'm happy.
No, I don't have everything I want. I'm happy.
No, everything isn't great. I'm happy.
And I just want to spend time with someone that won't take that away from me.
Friday, November 17, 2006
Second new experience happened in my car. I was wet, the coat I left in my car was dry. Yes, I took off my sweater and put on my coat, while in my car, while in the parking lot. But, the windows were all fogged up and no one was around.
Then, a text message sent to the wrong Sarah resulted in me learning how to knit. And it is so much faster than crocheting.
Now, I'm going to bed.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
I want to write, write, write until there are no more words left inside me. Then, I will read, read, read until I can't fit anything else in my head. Next, I'll turn on that great blender in my head, and repeat step one. Sounds glorious.
Until then, I'll share a poem with you because I want to and if you don't want to read it, well, go away.
then I filled it up again
just trying to say "I love you"
a thousand ways
I spent all day with you
and then another too
just trying to say "I love you"
a thousand ways
I held you close and kissed your hair
and then kept you prisoner there
just trying to say "I love you"
a thousand ways
I've whispered all my dreams into your ears
I've wiped away a hundred tears
just trying to say "I love you"
a thousand ways
I will watch movies you love
over and over and over
you can tell your favorite stories again
I will listen
we can eat your favorite foods
I will handle all your moods
I will be here when the smoke clears
this is how I will say
I love you
I love you
I love you
a thousand ways.
Friday, November 10, 2006
I hated the funeral service. The preacher talked about Jesus more than my Grandma. They sang hymns and yelled "Amen" and raised their hands and pounded on the pews. But no one mentioned the quiet support Grandma offered by just sitting next to you on the swing and patting your leg. No one said she never complained about anything or that she took care of my Grandpa so very well. No one mentioned how great she cooked or how many hours she spent on home-made blankets.
So I made a decision; when I die people should stand up there and talk about how wonderful I was. They should share funny stories and laugh through the tears. At the visitations, happy music should play, music that makes you smile while you cry. And I don't want to be buried. I don't want to take up any more room. No, let them have anything that could save somebody and cremate whats left. You can mix me with some soil and plant a tree. A tree that grows something edible. And then people could only bake sweet, good things from that tree. And even after I'm gone I'll make people happy. That's what should happen.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
She made the best mashed potato's I've ever had.
The relationship she had a with my Grandpa is a picture of what I want my future marriage to be.
Her relationship with God inspired me.
She told half of all those stories.
She sat out on the swing and watched Grandpa repair countless cars, waving that fan cut out of a cardboard box that read, "My baby's fan", giving Grandpa her opinions every once in a while.
She fought cancer for ten very long years.
Grandma fit more "stuff" in that apartment than I would ever dream possible. Grandpa says its a woman's job to fill all the empty spaces.
Grandma let Grandpa believe he was the boss.
Grandma argued with Grandpa with a grin on her face. I guess that doesn't count.
She said words like "yonder" and "holler".
And she never did say my name right.
Grandma tried to teach me how to make that cornbread, so my Daddy wouldn't have to go without it.
Grandma told me she was proud of me, that she never had to worry about me like my brothers.
She taught me how to crochet and she made me that blanket.
Grandma never wore pants.
She had more shoes and clothes than I've ever seen outside a store.
She liked candles, knick-knacks, and figurines.
Grandma only said, "I love you" when she had her arms around me.
She always thought we were leaving too soon.
Funny, I was thinking the same thing about her.
Monday, November 06, 2006
And now my check engine light is on and I don't know whats wrong with the car but I don't feel safe driving the 25 miles to school and back again if I don't know whats wrong.
And I don't love kindergarten like I thought I would and I don't know if its just kindergarten or teaching all together. I hope its just the grade level because, if not, I've wasted three years and twenty thousand dollars.
And with stuff going wrong with my car, I have to pay for these things but I'm not making any more money so my savings account is getting lower and lower and lower. I have to take summer school if I'm going to graduate on time but I won't be able to pay for it without emptying my savings account.
I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I want to hide in my room until everything is better again. I want to go back to summer time. I want to be happy again.
I don't have time for this. I've got so much homework to do and I can't miss a day of field experience but I can't miss the funeral either, but most of all I just want my grandma to stop hurting so much.
Even when I sleep I have dreams about getting lost and never finding my way home again.
But, on the bright side, at least we have running water again. . .
Thursday, November 02, 2006
I'm going to bed now.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Monday, October 30, 2006
You ask me what I want you to do about it.
I want you to take responsibility for your actions and choices.
I want you to be the parent.
I want you to support me.
I want you to turn back time until I no longer know what its like to go a week, no, even one night without running water or electricity.
I want you to pay your bills on time, before things get shut off.
I want you to make this a place I can live, so I can come home.
Thats what I want you to do.
I'm tired. I'm tired of driving hours everyday. I'm tired of doing my homework here and going someplace else to use the bathroom, shower, and sleep. I'm tired of eating out becasue the options in our kitchen are ravioli and peanut butter. I'm tired of being upset, dissapointed, and mad. I'm tired of watching you both drink and smoke while we flush the toilet with a bucket of water from your brothers house. I'm tired of being torn because I can't live here and I hate being a guest in someone elses house. I'm tired of your apathy. "What do you want me to do about it?" What do I want you to do about it?!?!?
This happens over and over again. I think its getting better, then everything goes downhill again. Whats going on here? I can't wait to move out but I cant do that until I graduate. I don't want to move in with my aunts, I would foverer be a guest, it would never be home. If I quit school, I will have the same life my parents have lived and I refuse to continue this way. I just feel like I'm trying my best to make a life for myself and I have no support. I feel like I'm going to topple over any minute and there will be nothing there to stop me. My parents act like I'm over-reacting, like they have no idea why I'm so upset.
That must be it. I'm over-reacting. I'm a completely irrational fool.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Apparently, the battery died. No, not run out of battery happy, but went bad or something. New battery, car works. Thats all I need to know. And it could have been so much worse, like me alone at Oxford.
And now I'm ready for bed. I just wanted to share the car drama.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Last night, I dreamed I was walking along a road and I was weighed down by something that made every single step was a challenge. And I couldn't even see where I was going because I kept looking back at where I had been.
But then, *end bad dream* the road turned into a Forrest, the day into night, it started raining an icy rain and I was kidnapped by goblins. . . handsome goblins.
That's all I had to say. Unless you wanted to hear about how sleepy I am or how much homework I have. No, I didn't think so.
Monday, October 16, 2006
But I'm okay now, well, minus the fever blisters.
I'm feeling lonely. I'm so busy with school and work and tutoring. I come home from school exhausted. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere when I'm not at school or work, but I have to go to the library and I have to do my homework and I have to make lesson plans. And more recently, I have to study for midterms, I have to work on group projects, I have to plan for field experience, I have to figure out my schedule. So, when I do have time to do nothing (and I'm not sick), I don't want to go out with friends. I don't have any money, I only work 12 hours a week. What could I do that doesn't cost money? Where could I drive that doesn't waste too much gas? And who would want to spend time with me when I don't call anyone, I don't talk to anyone? I'm feeling lonely.
I'm tired of worrying about things. I worry about everything, like worrying ever made anything better. Worrying is exhausting. I wish I could decide to stop. I know everything always works out in the end, but I can't help but worry that its not going to work this time. . .
Last night I had a dream that I was trying to get to this cabin on a hill. I knew that once I got to that cabin, I could relax. So, I started climbing this hill. It kept getting steeper and steeper and I could not longer walk because every step landed in the same place as I slid backward, so I crawled and eventually there were handholds because it was so steep and the concrete was so slick and then it was a wall and I couldn't climb anymore. It was a water-slide and I was falling, tumbling, sliding back down to the bottom again. And I was thinking, I can't do that again. I can't do that again. I'm tired. I can't do that again.
And I woke up all gross and fever-blistery.
Saturday, October 14, 2006
or speak aloud like me and you
or why the lose their leaves each fall
or why they grow those leaves at all?
I wonder why the bark is rough
and just how tall is tall enough
and do the trees have secret dreams
of paper mills and ceiling beams?
And what about those twisting roots,
are they just tree-like hiking boots?
I wonder if trees are girls or boys
or if they prefer quiet to noise?
I wonder so very many things
like what makes trees have all those rings?
How long can an old tree grow?
So many things I want to know.
Oh, if trees could speak like me and you
perhaps they would have some questions too.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Katelyn (my friend, not the toddler) and I are writing a childrens book together called, I HATE Lettuce. You will never guess what its about. Maybe it will be so good that it will be published and then we will be famous authors touring the country doing book signings. Or maybe it will be "cute" and we will lose interest and never send it to a publisher anyway. Hmm. I love to write, it would be wonderful to make a career of it, or at least a profitable diversion. I do not think I could write a novel, but childrens literature I could definately do. I have learned so much this semester in Lit block, I should put it to good use.
Then, I wrote a cute poem about trees and I'll have to share it with you when I'm at home and have access to it. As it is, I am at school in the something center on a Mac. Okay, I know the Mac part is not important but I am proud of my self for using one effectively.
Class starts in twenty minutes.
Oh! You should join loowa.com and be my friend.
One day, there will be a starbucks in this library and that will be a happy day indeed.
Class starts in nineteen minutes.
We get our test grades and essays back in the next class. I want to know how I did. Did I understand what she was looking for? Did I miss the mark completely?
Professor Drewes is so motherly and excited and caring I just want to hug her. Maybe I will.
In seventeen minutes.
I believe this might be the most constructive thing I've accomplished in my break today. Does expressing oneself count as being productive?
I'm sure if I didn't express myself, all these extra words, I wouldn't be a very fun person to be around. Once I get all the sad down on paper, there is more room for the happy.
And it will take me that long to get back.
Thanks for listening.
So, last night was the catalyst for this rant. I came home to find a package with someone Else's name and our address on it. When I mentioned this to my dad, he informed me that it was indeed our package; it contained the modem for the new Internet service. The reason the name on it was different was because my dad MADE UP a name and social security number for the phone bill. I get extremely upset for obvious reasons and he said he had a bill in his name, did I want to have Internet or not? Oh, so somehow that's a good reason to engage in illegal activities.
Next, my brother left a box of items on the front porch unattended and they were stolen. My mother says it was probably one of her friends, because, you know, they are just that kind of people. Chris is angry because he feels he should be able to leave valuable things out in the open on his own front porch, its not like we have ever been robbed before. Oh, but wait, we have been robbed before. Several times. (By my moms "friends"?) One can only blame other people for so much.
Then, my brother, who is currently under suspension and does not have legal license plates or car insurance, wanted to drive to his friends house so that he would have a ride home in the morning. My mother agreed with him, my father did not. Commence argument.
I really don't know where to begin. One day, yes, one day not too far away, I will live in my own house with my own rules and no illegal activity. One day, I won't have to worry about random services being shut off for non-payment. One day, I won't have to worry about what questionable people will be entering my home. One day, I won't have to wonder which one of the people I live with are addicted to what substance. Once day, I won't have to worry about who may or may not be arrested or have court appearances. But until that day. . .
I know that I am not responsible for, nor do I have any control over any of these things. I shouldn't worry about them. I shouldn't get upset. But I cannot help but want to live in a safe, stable, and secure environment where my parents are positive role models. I know, how ridiculous. One can dream.
Friday, October 06, 2006
- I am lazy.
- I am selfish.
- I lie (by not saying anything at all.)
- I am VERY grumpy in the morning.
- I am particular.
- I am demanding.
- I am fat, unhealthy, and unattractive.
- I am joyful.
- I smile at strangers.
- I am kind.
- I am resilient and strong.
- I am devout and faithful and earnest in seeking a relationship with God.
- I accentuate the positive.
- I am agreeable.
- I am intelligent.
- I am successful.
- I have a beautiful smile and voice and eyes.
- I am good with children.
- I am a writer.
- I am a poet.
- I am inspired and inspiring.
- I am affectionate.
- I am enthusiastic.
- I am passionate.
- I am slow to anger.
- I am determined to grow.
Looking at this list comforts me. I will probably always be grumpy in the morning. I will probably always be particular. I will have to consciously work at improving the other things. And then, after that, I will find something else. . . But even if I am always all those bad things I listed there, I will still always be all the good things I listed there as well.
In my head, there is always this voice that says that only people who really know me, good and bad, are my family and that they have to love me. But really, if anyone else got close enough, they wouldn't love me, they wouldn't have to. All those little fragments of flaws slicing at me are really pieces of a bigger, more frightening statement: I am unlovable. I can even sift through and find the reason this statement was born, look at it in all its terrible wonder, and dismiss it as absurd and untrue. Unfortunately, its not as easy as all that, for doubts have a way of sneaking back in when we think we have banished them.
I know who I am. I know Who made me. I know how awful and wonderful I can be.
But I don't know where to go from here.
The words aren't coming out own their own like they usually do. I'm doing this for my own benefit. I feel better when I've verbalized things.
Okay, here goes: As I get closer to God, He changes me, and that makes perfect sense because He is perfect and I am not and He knows what I can and should be and He nudges me in that direction. So, rationally, all makes sense. But, I do not usually react rationally. This big, angry part of me is screaming inside that He said He loves me completely, why do I have to change? I'm afraid that I'll lose who I am in becoming what He wants me to be. And I'm happy. I don't want to be better, that takes work, and I'm tired and lazy and scared. I just want to be me and be loved for who that is and it wears me down to continually feel the need to work on my character, to try to be more compassionate, more generous, more loving, more forgiving, more diligent, more. . . and every time, every single time, I give up completely and walk away and ignore God until I can't anymore. Because no matter what I do I spend my days thinking about how I haven't talked to Him today, even though He is right next to me, nay, inside of me. I feel guilty because I didn't go to church, because I didn't want to go to church. I feel angry because I shouldn't have to feel guilty about what I choose to do. I feel like a liar because I'm walking around pretending to myself that I don't need God, pretending I feel okay inside, and pretending to everyone else that I'm the same today as I was when my heart was on fire for God. I don't know how to be Sarah without Him.
And even now, being in this place, I know that I have been here before, and that it will pass. But I still feel like I'm lost forever and I don't know how to get back. And I don't know how I can be so sure some days and so doubtful other days. And I don't know if anyone else feels this way. I always feel that everyone else must know something I don't know, and that's why I stumble along.
I just wish I could see His face and ask Him all my questions and really feel His arms around me. But for today, I am sticking to my secret, silent protest.
(every relationship has its quarrels, right?)
Saturday, September 30, 2006
School this semester is much more taxing that I had anticipated. I'm working a lot less but I feel. . . Stretched thin. I'm going to school and tutoring and working and I just want to sleep in once in a while.
It just occurred to me that my mother was my only option for haunted house going this evening. How sad. Well, I'll go find my comfort in a book about something that could never ever happen.
Hey, do you ever wonder if you have already passed the time when you were the best you would ever be?
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Life is like one of those puzzles, where the picture is all mixed up and you have to move the pieces around to put the picture back together. You have to move things really far from where they belong sometimes, and it seems to work against your goal, but its really moving the whole contraption closer to the way it should be. And sometimes, you will get a glimpse of the real picture, maybe four squares together, and you have your secret triumph over it. But, maybe the four pieces are supposed to be in the other corner, so you tear it apart again.
So, sometimes in life we get those glimpses of the big picture, the way things are supposed to be. Sometimes the picture is right but the time and place aren't, so it all falls apart and we mourn it. Everything was working out! And things don't make sense so often. Things aren't working and we don't understand why things happen, why we have these setbacks and these challenges and these changes. We cannot see the whole picture and we do not understand how all these strange pieces fit together.
We are shattered and broken in this life, for so many reasons. I don't know what made you crack, but surely you are/were in pieces and just like the puzzle, you are missing that last piece, that corner.
But it is not hopeless, and the broken pieces of who you are supposed to be, what your life is supposed to be, can be mended to form that picture, even the missing piece, if you allow it. Unlike us, God knows what the whole picture is supposed to be, and He can fill that hole. So many times in my life, I do not understand how the pieces fit together; I do not know why things are happening the way they are. But I know that Gods hands are on the puzzle of my life, taking this shattered mess I have created and turning it into something beautiful, something whole.
It is tempting, (as I have often given in) to seize control and try to fix it yourself. The whole processes is slow and sometimes painful and never very clear. But for today, I relinquish my control, hold tight to my faith, and trust my Lord to do one better than all the kings horses and all the kings men.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Okay, I'm done complaining now.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Sunday, August 27, 2006
I dont know for sure, but I have tons of ideas.
I won't list them.
Classes started and I know that this semester will be challanging but nothing I cannot handle.
I've been writing a lot of poetry lately. That, I had not done for a while either, but I was inspired. This will not, however, become my forum for posting every single thing I write. That would either get very boring for you or very personal for me and neither one of us likes both of those possibilities.
But I've found that I've already said everything I wanted to say in a less wordy, but more eloquent style.
One that note,
I take my leave.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Friday, August 25, 2006
We used to run around naked together
abandoning onesie and diaper for the promise of
You and I.
Do you remember playing in Grandma’s pool?
We must have played The Little Mermaid
and our pretend-games hundreds of times
in that water,
You and I.
Do you remember talking for hours in the dark?
We would giggle across the blackness
chasing away fear and holding today hostage
in the way of youth,
You and I.
Do you remember the first books we read together?
We escape so often to our fantasy lands of
Hogwarts, Partholon, Alagasia, Atlantis,
You and I.
Do you know what is going to happen tomorrow?
We cannot hold the day hostage anymore
but I know that many stories I have yet to tell
will certainly end with:
You and I.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Monday, August 14, 2006
Monday, July 31, 2006
This weekend was nice. I spent most of it with my family. I never had so much fun going to the grocery store. Today was one of those days that could repeat itself over and over again to my infinite satisfaction. But no, tomorrow draws nigh with its own joys and disappointments.
And I did get upset this weekend. I got very upset. I cried. And I walked away again just like I always do when I'm hurt. But I'm tired of this. I'm tired of unforgivness and suspicion. I'm tired of pretending that everything is okay as long as we don't talk about it. I'm tired having to choose sides even though everyone tells me it has nothing to do with me, that I shouldn't worry about it. I should worry about it! And I have chosen.
God has always been my joy. He has always been my peace. He has been my song and my teacher and the greatest love of my life. Lately, He has been my comfort, He has been my healer, and my provider, all these things, in ways I never understood before. I always pray that I want to know Him more, that I want a closer relationship, and now I understand that for Him to be my comfort, I need to need comfort. If He is to be my provider, I have to be in a place that requires being provided for. I have to fall down every once in a while to understand just how well, how often, how fast, He will pick me up, dust me off, and set me right again. Words cannot adequately express. . .
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
Just close your eyes and sit so still you can feel your heartbeat everywhere. That's where that happy starts.
I don't think I could define exactly what is so happy. I just finished a book with a happy ending. I'm not falling all over that boy anymore. And you know what? He knew I liked him, he told me he didn't feel the same, and it wasn't the end of the world, like I thought it would be. Okay. It was okay. And. . . Lets see. . . I just had a three day weekend, that was two days longer than usual. And I've discovered, again, that God always takes care of me. He always makes things better right before that panic moment. There's always the initial, "oh, that's not good". That feeling slowly builds into a more defined stress/anxiety. And then right before I freak out, so to speak, *poof*, Jesus is magic, and I'm happy again. So yeah. God is good, all the time. . .
You know, if I never needed Him, I wouldn't know how much I need him. If I never fell on my face, I wouldn't know what it was like to be picked up and dusted off. If life was never hard, I wouldn't know the God of comfort. I always pray that I want to know Him more, that I want a closer, deeper relationship. And I understand now that sometimes to know that God is peace, I need to experience chaos. To know that God is my healer, I need to experience pain. I keep falling deeper into the greatest love I'll ever know and it just gets better and better.
This is what happiness feels like.
*Note: So, I was doing spell-check and apparently I spelled "exactly" wrong somehow by switching the last four letters around and the options I was given to replace it with were: ejaculate, ejaculated, ejaculates, ejaculating, ejaculation, ejaculations. Yeah, because that's what I meant by "exaclty". Computers. *rolls eyes*
Thursday, July 06, 2006
We are standing here
in the parking lot
shifting our weight
from one foot
to the other
somewhere near your car
or some place between them
talking about arbitrary things
for one more minute
We don’t know how to say goodbye.
we are talking
on the phone
our ears have long since
and the moments of silence
longer and longer
nevertheless, we stay on
for one more minute
We don’t know how to say goodbye.
maybe it’s not that
we have terribly interesting
things to share
we don’t spend enough time
I just enjoy your presence
and everything you have to say
and I certainly don’t mind
laughing with you
for one more minute
I do know how to say goodbye
I just don’t want to.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
Or, more specifically: Wednesday, September 29, 2004 I made a list of random things about me. I decided to edit/update/extend said list after further inspiration from Nika. Here goes:
I still lick the spatula when my mom makes brownies.
I chew my bottom lip when I am nervous.
I look at my paper when I do not know the answer to a question in class.
I am afraid to talk to teenagers I do not know.
I sing really loud when I am alone in my car.
I stop when I get to a red light.
I turn my music up loud and roll my windows down and hope everyone hears so they know how cool I am.
I know I am not cool.
I make sure I am completely enfolded in covers before I turn the light out.
I do everything at the last minute.
I am usually early.
I love my job and my coworkers. Really.
I like it when people touch my hair.
It makes me nervous when people touch me (hair included)
I was once hugged by a complete stranger.
I liked it.
Friendliness is the second thing I notice in a person.
A smile is the first.
I am offended by cuss words.
I hate the word "aint"
I do not like country music or rap in most cases.
I have little compassion for those who make no effort help themselves and/or blame their circumstances on everyone/thing else.
I will not allow my own insecurities to hinder my social/emotional growth.
I need lots of reassurance.
I am more sensitive than I pretend to be.
I do not like to hang out in groups.
My family will always come first.
I procrastinate. Often.
I like having pictures of those I love.
I always forget to take my camera.
I communicate much better in writing.
I would rather use the computer than a pen.
You are beautiful because I love you, not the other way around.
I lie, not with words, but with silences.
I spend too much time on the internet.
I just hate being alone.
I feel special when you remember something I said a while ago.
I feel most loved when you listen to me.
I like the icing more than the cake.
I only floss occasionally.
I feel guilty about it.
I feel so uncool.
I could spend days sprawled across my bed with a good book.
My room is a mess most of the time.
I wear less than half the shoes I own.
My best features are my eyes and smile.
I have to wash my hands often.
I do not remember the last time I washed my car.
I do not feel like I have control of my life.
I rarely study.
I do not eat fruit or vegetables in most cases.
I get a word of the day in my email because I never want to stop learning, even for a day.
I am afraid I will end up alone.
I wish I could make beautiful music.
I hated 1984.
I love to write.
I don’t understand mean people, but I am learning to handle them well.
I hate being late, so I always arrive too early.
Nature is pretty as long as it doesn’t touch me.
I feel out of place amongst my peer group.
I find it hard to get close to new people.
I am terrified of bugs of all kinds.
I have no sense of direction.
I do not like to wear shorts, low-cut tops, or shoes that show my toes.
I love flip-flops.
I love movies.
I love to laugh.
I just love iTunes
And Kidd Coffee
I cannot wash my hair every day.
I like food way too much.
I am uncomfortable in my own body.
What I really want is to be completely known, loved unconditionally, and to be seen as beautiful.
I know I can only get that from God.
Music is integral part of my relationship with God.
I always feel not good enough.
I am always afraid everyone else can see that.
I love hugs.
I think people only see the happiness and never the real me.
I am not happy all the time.
I have to really trust someone before I let them see me cry.
I love giving people gifts.
And telling them how much I like them.
Sometimes I think there is a social handbook I must have missed out on.
I wonder if I will ever have that first kiss.
I do not remember much about my childhood.
I try so hard to be better than I am.
The books I read are not making me “well read”
I spend too much money.
I write poetry.
I cannot draw or cut a straight line.
I like it when men hold the door for me.
I do not know how to show my interest to a guy.
Quality time is so important to me.
When you forget that we made plans, it hurts.
I pretend it does not.
I enjoy sleeping entirely too much.
I stay up too late.
I will not ever know if you do not tell me.
I like to feel wanted/needed.
I am totally and completely in love with life.
I do not think it ends here.
I always try to be what I think the other person wants me to be.
I am not a morning person. Give me an hour.
I strive to remain pure.
I think about my future husband often.
I only tell my mother everything.
Silence makes me uncomfortable.
I have no idea what music is popular now.
I just want to be the woman God made me to be.
I want to be closer to Him each day.
He seems so distant. I cannot see/touch/hear/feel him.
I guess that is where faith comes in.
I cannot wait to be a mother.
I wish I could comfort the world.
I was once obsessed with Hanson.
My favorite movie is The Fifth Element.
I never wear make-up.
I love my hair.
When I am sad, I am afraid to let anyone else know. Would they still like me?
I start projects and never finish them.
My dreams are vivid and exciting.
Making this list makes me feel conceited, but I so want someone to care enough to read it.
I blush often.
I get quiet when I am mad.
I really want you to follow me when I walk away.
Wow. That was long.
Other than that, I have nothing to say that you want to hear/read.
Oh, one of my customers said to one of my co-workers, referring to me, "Shes happy, isn't she?"
My co-worker replied, "that's an under-statement."
that's what I like to hear.
Oh, I thought of something else exciting. I'm going to be baptized next Sunday. I'm excited about this.
And I've been listening to Billy Holiday and the Fray. What a combination.
And I need to go move my car, its parked in the alley.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Today Chad said, "I know I'm talking fast, you'll just have to listen fast." That amused me.
I guess that's all I have to say. I need to study for my exam tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
I'm sorry, all my happy thoughts fell out when I received that unexpected blow.
Monday, June 12, 2006
It is so much easier to keep everyone at arms length. If no one is close to me, no one can hurt me. But then I would be alone. The other option is to open up, move closer and take the chance, the chance to be hurt even more, the chance to become even better friends. Somehow, its much scarier to admit that I was hurt, than to simply pretend I wasn't. If I never say anything, he won't know not to do it again.
And I shouldn't be upset by it anyway, but I am. Its not so bad when someone jokes about something I am aware of, like my complete lack of sense of direction, but it took me by surprise. So yes, I do talk all the time. But this is the first time I've felt so insecure about it. I don't like silence. Whenever I'm with someone, I want to spend every minute getting to know them better. I don't understand comfortable silence. I only have that with people I know so well, we don't have anything to say anymore. And even then, I'm thinking about what I could say.
Anyway, I don't know what I want to happen.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Remember how it feels to cry
to completely lose control
tears pouring down
the pain inside
is far more than you can handle
and it seems
that you will never be
I cannot protect you
from ever feeling that way again
but I can promise you
that I will hold you until it passes.
until the tears
are salt stains on your cheeks
until you take that last sobbing gasp
until your heartbeat slows back down
until your swollen lips and puffy eyes
return to their normal size
until you fall asleep in the safety of my arms
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Friday, June 09, 2006
And I keep looking at myself through so many different lenses, and the view is so different. What standards am I measuring against? The world, my friends, my mom, God? Sometimes I feel beautiful, like someone should love me for who I really am, and other times I feel that if someone got close enough, they would see nothing more than all the things that aren't so great about me.
I just don't know how to reconcile who I am with who I'm trying to be. And I don't know how to talk about it.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Sunday, June 04, 2006
I find it hard to breathe
even without you standing
next to me
only reliving the memory
and everything beautiful
you make me feel
the pain, equally real
and your eyes,
no longer mine
captivated by the shine
of her, so fine
I can only resolve
myself to absolve
while I find a way
to smile politely
as I remove my fragile heart
from your clumsy, unwitting hands
and make my final retreat
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
I didn't think so.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Thats all I have to say about that. . .
Monday, May 15, 2006
I really like being at work more, because I genuinely like everyone I work for, but its been kind of emotionally draining for the last couple of weeks and the pleasure of it has been absent. I wish things would return to normal, I guess time will tell with that one.
I've been seeing a lot less of people in general and that makes me sad because I've got a lot more time to see people now.
Saturday I spent the day with my three favorite girls and it was a blast. I just love crawling around on the floor and playing pretend or whatever else they come up with. Kaitlynn was content looking at pictures and exclaiming over each one with phrases such as, "Tha' me and SISSY!" or "LOOK, you!". I love that child. She is talking so well lately. And she is such a polite little thing. Emilie wanted to practice "dance moves" in which I picked her up in various different ways, one including her jumping into my arms. Whew. Elisabeth just wanted me to let her cry, and then treat her special and pamper her. I did. It was so nice. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
Now I don't have anything to look forward to except school in June. Exciting, I know. There's an RK concert in July and I'm going to Indianapolis with Joanie, Ashley, and the girls, but those are both too far away to get excited about, especially since the summer school lies between here and there.
I still haven't gotten my financial aid package for next semester. Its like this nagging worry in the back of my mind all the time. Am I going to be able to pay for this one more year? Again, time will tell. Stupid patience.
I guess I'm running out of things to say but I haven't said nearly enough for me. I need a good talk. Yes. I haven't had one for. . . I don't know. One of those talks where you feel excited afterward because you know that you both know each other better now. One of those.
My room is a mess again. Now that's something I can do with my free time.
And. . . I was really into Gavin DeGraw there for a bit but I think its passing. I do, however, have his voice playing in my head constantly. But that's okay, its gorgeous. "I'm gonna love you more than anyone. . ." Yum.
I went out to dinner with my mom today and I saw a friend I haven't seen since LAST spring. We spent so much time together and then the semester ended and so did we. But, I'm going to try to fix it, because. . . That's what needs to be done. I've never been the person to initiate friendships or even outings or anything, and I've discovered that I have to step up and start things because sometimes no one else will. And right now, I'm only doing that in one small part of my life, and I'm waiting to see how it turns out before I try it in other areas. I'm getting success about half the time and disaster the other half. I don't think I'll ever figure people out. Its amazing how easy it is to hurt other people accidentally. I'm trying so hard and I keep messing up in ways I never anticipated and then I'm afraid to try again but I'm even more afraid of never trying again. Alright, you have no idea what I'm talking about and I'm not going to say it so I'll just move and think over it for awhile.
What on earth should I move on to? I don't know either and its getting late and I've now spent half an hour away from my precious book right at the climax, no less. The country is on the brink of war, several key characters are in dramatic situations that could lead to success or disaster, and an exciting new prospect has just revealed itself. What shall become of Roran, the villagers, Nusuada, Saphira, and Eragon? Will Galbatorix be successful in his attempt to wipe out the Varden for good, or will they succeed in overthrowing the century-old tyrant? What will Eragon do with his newfound abilities? Will the "black hand" be successful in their assassination attempts, or will the girl-child Elva save Nusuada once again? Are Murtagh and the Twins really dead? Will the dragons face the distinction that would wreak havoc on all three races? Will the drwarves arrive in time to aid Surda in the upcoming battle against Galbatorix? Will Eragon? Is Oromis going to die, and what causes his illness? Will the secret to Galbatorix's increasing power finally be revealed? So you see why I am so engrossed.
I realized, though, that most of these questions will remain unanswered until the release of the third book. Stupid patience.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Monday, May 01, 2006
we talked and didn't say anything important
and we don't have any new memories at all
and our inside jokes have all gotten stale
and we let time and distance do
what we promised no time or distance could ever do
and all I want to do is hug you again
but you are too far away for that
and hugging you feels like hugging a stranger
because we let time and distance do
what we promised no time or distance could ever do
and I will never be again
what I always was with you
and I miss that because I thought it was beautiful
and I always thought you were beautiful
even when I didn't like you so much
but I don't know who you are anymore because
we let time and distance do
what we promised no time or distance could ever do
and I just want to hold you again
to make sure you are still real
to make sure those eyes are the same eyes I looked into
six years ago
before we let time and distance do. . .
but I will always, always, always love you
I promise you that.
I'll try to come up with something worth reading.
I dyed my hair! Its, uh, redder. And it washes out because I'm not brave enough for the whole permanent hair color thing. If it is, in fact, a thing.
Oh, and I purchased the Gavid DeGraw cd and I think he is much awesome. My favorite song is Follow Through. "So, if you want to be with me, you have to follow through with every word you say." Beautiful.
I have this stack of books to read and they are taunting me because I haven't had time to read them. If they had fingers, they would point them and laugh.
I had a great weekend. Did you? I just realized that this time would be better spent preparing for one of the three exams I still have left. Nah.
I'm not really going for any coherent sequence of thoughts just now.
So, I keep watching movies that involve Tom Cruise and I keep not meaning to do so. I had this list of movies everyone but me has seen and blockbuster online just ships them to me in whatever order they want to. So I've recently watched Top Gun, Risky Business, Legend, War of the Worlds, and I'll be recieving Jerry Maguire next.
Oh, I bought this pretty notebook; the pages have pink lines and hearts. Its a very happy notebook. So, it shall be my journal (because I don't like the word "diary".) What is the correct punctuation for the previous sentance, anyway? Where does the period go? Anyway, getting back on subject, keeping a "journal" seems so middle-school but there is something satisfying about filling the (pretty) pages with ink and saying things without worrying about what other people with think, or whether or not they even want to hear it.
I think I can go to class now.
L.A.O.I.S (speaking of middle-school)
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Saturday, April 29, 2006
It was worse yesterday. I was coming home from the tri-county mall area and I ended up going south on 75 instead of north. I got really upset really quickly. I tried to call home and no one answered. I called five times. I was scared and I felt very alone and I only wanted someone to talk to me. I'm a big girl, I can find my way home okay, and I did. But, I just wanted someone to talk to me and tell me everything was going to be okay but everyone was asleep.
I always get unreasonably nervous when I'm driving at night, and I don't like feeling that way. Its awful.
This reminds me of something else. It was the middle of the day and I come home to find that the breaker has blown. (Is that the correct terminology?) Nothing upstairs works. So, I know I have to go to the basement and flip the little switch thing. I called my mom and asked her to just talk to me while I went down to the basement, because its scary down there. Having her on the phone with me made me feel less frightened. What could she do? If something scary did happen, she could not save me through the phone. Just like in the car, if I really was lost, how could anyone talk me back home? Not very easily. So, I did not need anyone to help me in either of these situations, I just wanted to know that someone was there.
But I'm never alone. God says that He is always with me. I can see now that both those times I should have prayed, because fear is not a spirit of God. And I know that He is the God of comfort, He is the Lord of Peace. I never have to walk alone. But sometimes I just need the voice in my ear because that still small voice in my heart isn't loud enough, or I'm not quiet enough to listen.
And with that, I close.
Friday, April 28, 2006
One hour later: I'm bored and lonely. How does that work?
Thursday, April 27, 2006
It has been a rough week. I was consistently angry/frustrated/upset for about 4 days and I don't know how to handle emotions like that so I went out into the world and put on my best happy face on and tried to ignore the problem as best I could. And I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone, and I knew that talking would not solve anything anyway. Everything is better now, but I'm exhausted.
I finished Judges and Ruth last night and it made me feel really good because it felt like progress. I always feel like I don't read my bible enough, especially when it takes forever to get through a book. But, Ruth was short so I feel accomplished. Or something.
I haven't posted my poetry for awhile. I didn't do it consciously. So why? Suddenly it seems really personal. Whets with the change? That never stopped me before. Am I afraid you will judge me? Yes. Am I afraid you'll think my poetry is terrible? Yes. But, why would that be any different from before? I should post one even though the thought makes me uncomfortable.
I've noticed that no matter what I'm writing, there are recurring themes and phrases everywhere. Everything is connected, like a conversation. I work things out in my poetry. I discuss things with myself. I say things that I'm thinking about all the time, because either people get tired of hearing about them, or I don't tell anyone in the first place. When I take that thought/idea and shape it into a poem, it stops being a thought that haunts me, and becomes something else entirely. Satisfying. Even if no one ever reads it but me. I think I started this paragraph wanting to discuss those themes, because obviously I'm not done with them yet. But no, I can't really do that.
Hmm, I just noticed that I've got a bump behind one ear and not the other. Shouldn't I be symmetrical?
I had my yearly evaluation at work today. It was pleasant. I got a raise.
Okay, now I want to say random things just so I can say them:
- I was just being me, and she said that was special. It makes me feel really good inside.
- It never occurred to me that while I was trying to be more like you, you were tying to be more like me.
- I am more than a little bit jealous and I should not be. Rationalizations don't work with emotions.
- I still love the way you say my name. I don't think I'll ever get over it.
- I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable in groups.
- I really enjoyed staying up too late just to talk to you.
- I hate waking up cold.
that's all folks.
Monday, April 24, 2006
I love that woman.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Then, I drove to Oxford to take my speech and hearing screening. I felt really out of place and confused there.
And now, it looks like a tree exploded on my car. Its covered in bloom things.
I took a nap today and dreamed of taking a nap, and getting interrupted by a phone call. I wake up to find that I missed a phone call. . .
The other day, I made a list of all the things I love about a person and gave the list to said person. That was awesome. We should do that for everyone. Well, maybe not, that might get creepy. Mine wasn't creepy, I assure you.
This hot chocolate is SO good.
Now, where on earth are my parents?
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Today was awesome.
I don't want to be in school anymore.
What do we have, like two weeks? I think I can handle that. I think.
Okay. I'll go now.
Monday, April 17, 2006
My dreams were, in fact, just dreams, darn it.
I totally and completely slept through my classes this morning. Crap.
And that's okay. I guess. I'm feeling that really guilty, I did something wrong feeling. But I can't change it now and. . . I'll go talk to my mom. She always makes me feel better.
I dreamt vivid dreams that seemed to try and answer the questions I've been asking, but only left me feeling disappointed when I woke up. Was it a glimpse of the future, a promise, or just a cruel wish of my imagination, never to play itself out in reality.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
On another note, my office was getting REALLY bad. There were no more unoccupied horizontal surfaces to be had. Paper was everywhere. So, my mother and I embark on a serious cleaning project/adventure. And it is clean. But, getting to my point, I found this notebook from way back when (or 2001) containing letters I had written to my future husband. Like most projects I start, I was interested in that for approximately five months before I put it away to collect dust for five years. But then, really, how much can you write to a person you have never met? Anyway, I decided to write another letter today. Maybe it would be nice just to add a letter every once in awhile. Something like:
I'm still waiting for you.
Or something along those lines. Okay, I wrote a lot more than that, but what can I say? ( A LOT, obviously) Oh, and this book has letters from my friends to my future husband. I know it seems kind of silly or strange, but I find it to be so sweet. My love story begins long before we ever meet. . .
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Work was awesome. Denise and Robbie and myself are going for coffee on Saturday. I'm much excited about that, because I very much like those two. And Denise said she might go to church with me on Sunday! I sure hope so. Her daughter is SO cute.
After work, I scheduled my classes for the fall. So, I'm transferring to Oxford. I'm not very excited about that. But, we do what we must, right?
After that, I went to goodwill with the intention of buying supplies for my project and ended up leaving with three pairs of shoes and no supplies. And Nika called me, and that caused more happy than three pairs of shoes could. Then Walmart. I love that store. Saw Robbie there. Actually, he saw me and decided to sneak up on me. He was successful. Apparently, I'm oblivious to everything going on around me.
Tomorrow, I've got that project due, and then I can say, "whew" and do the thing where I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand. But that's tomorrow. Tonight I get to say, "Oh! It's late and I haven't started that project!"
On that note. . .
Monday, April 10, 2006
That was weird.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
And I went to Wednesday night church for the first time. It was definitely different. It was more like a bible study. I really enjoyed it. We were talking about what it means to be holy. Chad gave the example of looking at temptation and saying, "I'm not doing that" and stepping away. And again. And again. "I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. . . " Stepping further and further away. Being set apart. The Greek word for holy is the same as sanctified.
The voices in my head tell me that I'm not good enough, that I'll never be good enough. At anything. All my efforts will fall short of acceptable. But I know that He loves me regardless of how many times I fall. And, in Christ, all things are possible. And His thoughts towards me are many. And, Jesus died to pay for my sins. I do not worship a distant god, but my God lives in my very heart. He knows the thoughts and desires of my heart. He has plans for me. He will lift me up and make me better than I am, more like Him. So, compared to all that, what do the voices in my head matter anyway?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
And I cried today, but not very much. A hug, a reminder, and laughter fixed me right up.
I fell asleep in computer class yesterday. And then again while trying to watch Soylent Green. By they way, you should never watch Soylent Green.
I feel lonely. I can't get enough of people.
I need a long hug. At least five seconds I'd say.
Happy thoughts now:
- I love my new bible. It is called The Quest: The question and Answer Bible. Or something like that. Anyway, there is much awesomeness to be had inside. There are all kinds of questions and, you guessed it, answers.
- I'm almost finished with Joshua.
- I got my three hugs and then some today.
- Tomorrow is my "short" day.
- I really like this song.
- I was brave today.
- I heard a song on the radio that I had not heard for a long while. It brought back memories of Christopher and I singing at the top of our lungs in my car. Its so fun to do that, especially, to feel comfortable enough around the other person to do that.
- Pineapple-orange smoothies are good.
- The Creator of the Universe, the Source of all things wonderful and good, the King of kings, The God of Jacob, Isaac, and Abraham, loves me.He knows every little thing about me, and loves me.
I think I need some help with a 10th thing.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Me and Matt Hoopes (of the Matt Hoopes Birthday Tour)
Me and Matt, with red-eye
Matt, Jon, Dave, Me, John, Matt
Oh guys, it was so great. How could words do it justice?
Friday, March 31, 2006
And the bathroom sink is clogged. I never remember that I need to buy draino when I'm not in the bathroom. Except for right now, of course. Oh, train of thought = teeth hurt ---> brush teeth ----> sink clogged. Yes.
I spent the evening with Nika. It was very enjoyable. She makes me feel like a person worth knowing. And I feel the same about her. She is awesomeness indeed.
I had all kinds of things to say, and now they are all gone.
Well, since your here, I should make this worth your time. Close your eyes and think about something that fills you with happy-good feelings. I know! Think about how awesome you are, dwell on all your good qualities, think about something exciting that is happening in the near future, think about someone you absolutely love to be around, think about Christmas, sunny days, free stuff, good hugs, yummy food, sleeping in late, summertime, and well, me of course!
If that didn't make you feel, oh, at least a shade happier, I don't know what to tell you.
Remember that bible verse I said was my favorite?
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirableÂif anything is excellent or praiseworthyÂthink about such things." - Phil 4:8
Now I'm ready for bed, boring blog notwithstanding.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tonight was dinner at P.F. Changs with the gang from work. It was incredibly awesome, as it usually is. So why am I sad just now? Because I'm alone now and I wasn't ready to be. Because I want more. More. More. More.
I wonder if they know. I wonder if they can tell. I want them to, but I don't want to have to say it.
Five seconds can be a very long time.
Didn't I say I was going to ask for things I want?
But I'm afraid.
I really don't like being alone. Pretty much ever. But I am.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Today I focused on being aware of how often others touched me, and how often I touched other people. Then I made an effort to do that more. It was awesome to see the smile when I requested a hug, the glance of acknowledgement after a passing "pat", or the giggle after a high-five.
Tomorrow I shall focus on words of affirmation. After that, acts of service. I think quality time and gifts are going to be more long-range projects.
"Thats all I have to say about that"
Monday, March 27, 2006
I don't really have anything new or interesting to say, I just wan to talk. Or type. Or whatever. I want to communicate. Of course, this doesnt really satisfy said desire becasue it is very much like talking to oneself.
I'm cold. I'm always cold. What is it that can make one person in a room feel warm and another feel cold?
Do you ever wonder how other people see you? Sometimes you get little glances. And some of those times, its awesome, and other times it makes you want to re-evaluate yourself. If we compare ourselves to others (or how others view us) we will find ourselves to be great by one comparison and lacking by another. I can only hope that I live each day to try to live up to the standards God has set for me, and not the standards of the world.
I heard a new song today called Maybe You by BDA. It really touched me, because I want to be that girl in that song.
I should go.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Saturday, March 18, 2006
I'm reading a good book. It is called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. According to the book, the five love languages are: words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, and acts of service. Each person has one primary "love language". This is basically the thing that makes them feel most loved. For instance, one person may feel loved when someone gives them small gifts. Another may feel most loved when someone tells them how much they are loved, or gives them other compliments. The goal of this book is to recognize that different people need to be shown love in different ways. We need to recognize what it is we need, and what those around us need as well. The book has a quiz to discover which love language you use. I found the same thing on line here if you want to try it. My love language is quality time. I feel most loved, or closest to people, when I get to spend time with them and have meaningful conversations. I feel loved when someone remembers something I said, or when I feel they are truly listening to me. My second highest score on the quiz was physical touch. Although I haven't had any experience in the way of hand holding or kissing or anything like that, I love hugs and I love just sitting near people I love. I'm just really enjoying the book. I'm reading the singles version, so it focuses on relationships other than romantic, but highlights what you can work on for future relationships. I deserve the fairy tale.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
I want a green shirt that has a black crab on it that says, "RAWR" or maybe "GRRR". But I can't be spending money on stuff just now. I've got border-crossing to consider. And darn car insurance. Stupid responsibilities. Not the border-crossing though. Ash, make sure I bring my passport, okay? That won't stay on my mental packing list. Keeps fallin off.
I finished the dern book though. Oh, this song just said, "was it at the coffee shop?" and now I want a chocolate chunk frappichiller. Or a serenade by a not-so-talented young man. But the frappichiller sound more likely at this hour.
Hmm, I was trying my very best not to be grumpy at work today, and the best friendly I could manage was smiling and silence. Whew. That was hard work. I was tired. No, I AM tired, but there's homework to be doing, so of course I must procrastinate a bit more.
I don't think I'm done being alone yet.
Hey! I'm not done yet. I was at grandma and grandpas on Sunday. I've been in the habit of staying until well after mom and dad leave. I read my book and they watch TV.We don't have much to say to each other, but we are together for a couple hours. Anyway, I asked Grandpa was Lent was about, because honestly, I don't know and, of course, he doesn't stay on subject, but I enjoyed his response thoroughly. I want to be just like Grandpa. He gets so excited when talking about God and the joy is all over him and he usually cries because he is so happy and he is trying his best to tell you so you'll be happy just like him. He loves the Lord. And I wish you could see him, just listen to him for awhile and you would see too.
My face is still hot. Maybe I have a fever. Or I'm crazy.
Sarah Jo, again
Thursday, March 02, 2006
So, he starts talking, "In the bible it says. . . " and he holds out his left hand, cradling this imaginary bible while his right hand flips through imaginary pages, "that life is in the blood." And he stares at me, like he always does, because it takes SO long for the next sentence to come out and I don't know whether this is a moment where I'm supposed to respond, or if I'm supposed to stare back until he finishes the thought. Of course, no response is required. Never, really. I could sit silently staring at him while he talked for hours, because he doesn't really care what I think, what I have to say. And I think to myself, How does he know what the Bible says? I've never seen him read anything but the T.V guide. So, is this something the T.V. preacher said on the Jesus channel? Is this coming from some special he watched on PBS? Or perhaps from something Grandpa said? He doesn't even own a Bible. But, here he is telling me what it says and what it means. And I wonder, if I said these things to him, would he even remember in the morning?
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Anyway, I was looking for this song I wrote, of course, ages ago. I didn't find it. But I did get distracted by all of the horrendous poetry in there. Whew. I barely made it out alive. Remind me not to write another poem. Like, ever. Oh, the song. This song was one I sang in a talent show, yes, ages ago. And I wanted to read it again. It was called "Me, in a nutshell" and was comprised of several descriptions of me. I wanted to see how much I've changed, but I guess that's not happening. Because, really, who could find ANYTHING in that mess?
I want to write about today's me, in a nutshell. So here goes:
I love to sing and hug people. I hate waking up in the morning. Children delight me. Insects frighten me. I love Jesus. I talk too much and silence makes me uncomfortable. I'm happy. People, lots of people, use adjectives such as weird, strange, and crazy to describe me. Seriously, I love to sing. Books are awesome. My family is more important to me than friends could ever be. I'm easily excited and/or distracted. I sing a lot. I'm about to sneeze. I like me.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Get/give at least 3 hugs a day.
Smile, even when it doesn't feel good.
Give compliments, often, even when its a complete stranger at the mall.
If its not nice, don't say it.
Get excited about all the little things, like this cool new pen!
If you can't fix it, stop worrying about it.
Forgive them, even if they never ask.
Don't let anyone steal your happy.
If you feel like singing, do it.
I'm awesome at getting distracted.
I start projects, and never finish them.
I begin SO excited, and then lose interest, or stop giving that thing time and/or attention.. And not just with projects. But all kinds of things. Like people, and God. And that won't work.
So I say to myself, that I want a relationship, BUT: How long would I remain interested before I possibly lost interest? Or, would the relationship distract me from God? The latter, of course, being worse than the former.
And this, my friends, is just one reason.
I know that God will never be done "fixing" me. But I think there are some adjustments that need to be made, before, before, before
and so I'll wait. And I'll work on doing that patiently.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
People don't tell me stuff. Like, regular stuff they tell other people. They don't tell me. What do I mean by "stuff"? How should I know? People don't tell me. Mostly, maybe, about things they do that I don't do, or wouldn't do.
Umm, this isn't going well.
How can I get close to other people if they censor everything for me? And why?
Do you think I don't want to hear about it?
Do you think I wouldn't approve?
Do you think I would like you any less?
Do you think I would be disappointed in you?
If you are my friend, I want to know about all of you, not just the parts of you that are most like me. I care about you and I want to know you more.
There are so many things I want to say. I keep typing and erasing.
I'm trying my best each day to follow after God.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
Please don't push me away.
I'm just, I'm hurt. And I don't know how to fill this space in between us. And I don't know how to be like everyone else. And I don't want to. But I don't want to be alone, here.
There are all these people around, and they think I don't notice the silence when I draw near.