All the details seem to distract me from the fact that I'm not where I want to be, and I don't even know what that is. Trying to improve myself spiritually, socially, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially. . . leaves me feeling confused, because I know I want to be better than I am in many areas, and I know that I'll only ever get closer to the goal, but never at it, but I also thought that who I am right now was okay too. It can't be both, can it?
And I keep looking at myself through so many different lenses, and the view is so different. What standards am I measuring against? The world, my friends, my mom, God? Sometimes I feel beautiful, like someone should love me for who I really am, and other times I feel that if someone got close enough, they would see nothing more than all the things that aren't so great about me.
I just don't know how to reconcile who I am with who I'm trying to be. And I don't know how to talk about it.
Friday, June 09, 2006
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