Monday, June 12, 2006

Its easier to say things when I'm not looking at you.

Getting close to new people is hard. You have to figure out how to communicate with each other when times aren't good, when you hurt each other, when you get scared. My pastor explained it well once; he said when you have someone at arms length, they can't hurt you very much, but when you pull someone close and hug them, they can do real damage. And what hurts more than any pain they inflict is the surprise.

It is so much easier to keep everyone at arms length. If no one is close to me, no one can hurt me. But then I would be alone. The other option is to open up, move closer and take the chance, the chance to be hurt even more, the chance to become even better friends. Somehow, its much scarier to admit that I was hurt, than to simply pretend I wasn't. If I never say anything, he won't know not to do it again.

And I shouldn't be upset by it anyway, but I am. Its not so bad when someone jokes about something I am aware of, like my complete lack of sense of direction, but it took me by surprise. So yes, I do talk all the time. But this is the first time I've felt so insecure about it. I don't like silence. Whenever I'm with someone, I want to spend every minute getting to know them better. I don't understand comfortable silence. I only have that with people I know so well, we don't have anything to say anymore. And even then, I'm thinking about what I could say.

Anyway, I don't know what I want to happen.

Sarah Jo

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