Friday, October 30, 2009

So the point of failure is when you absolutely cannot lift that weight one more time.

Our electricity got shut off and I went to go stay with my aunt. Again.

This time was harder than any other time. This time I reached my breaking point. This time I felt like I would cry at any moment. And then I did cry several times.

I know I'm not the only one that knows how it feels to not be able to go home, but that doesn't make it any easier. I had absolutely no privacy. I was only alone when I was asleep or in my car. I spent a couple days with Jeremy and I just kept thinking about how I wanted to go home. It was the first time I ever spent time with him and wanted to be anywhere else. But I was thinking that I wanted to go home all day long. For days. Everywhere I was. I just wanted to go home.

I missed my bed. Mine. I missed the way my shoulders feel lighter when the bedroom door is closed. I missed knowing where everything is and where it belongs and being able to leave it out of place if I feel so inclined. I missed coming home and leaving whenever I want to. Without permission or informing anyone else. I missed having control over my surroundings. Who is in the room with me. How long they stay. What music is playing. I missed the Internet.

Mostly, I missed being able to be the me I am when no one else is around. I don't have to smile if I don't want to. I can sing ridiculous songs out loud if I want to. I can dance in front of the mirror in my underclothes. I can sit and read in the silence. I can wash my clothes and walk to the bathroom without pants on and I can cook things and eat whenever I'm hungry.

No one here reads my journal when I'm not around. They don't question my every action such as: Are you going to brush your teeth now? What did you eat for breakfast? What are you wearing today? Why did you lock the bathroom door? What's this? What's this? Can I look at the pictures on your phone? Who are you texting? What are you saying to them? What did they say back? Who is on the phone? Why are they calling you? Why are you taking a shower again today? Where did you go after work? What do you do when you work out? Why don't you watch TV? Who is Jeremy? Why do you have to text him when you get home? Are you bringing him to trick or treat? Why did you go to his house? What did you do there? Do you like him? Who is Ashley? Why is she calling you? Why does she live in Orlando? What does she do there? Who does she live with? Is she the one you visited? What did you do? Why do you have house shoes? Are your feet cold? Why did you eat chili for dinner two days in a row? Don't you like fried chicken? Are you going to get another tattoo? Will you read me a poem? Why do you keep closing the door? What time will you be home tonight? Why don't you just stay here? What do you keep writing in that book? Why do you want to write? What time are you getting up tomorrow? What are you going to have for breakfast? Are you mad at your mommy and daddy? Why do you want to go home? Are you coming for trick or treat? Are you dressing up?

I think I need a moment of silence now.

I write about myself in third person.

She holds the glass with two hands as if it might float away or fall if she isn't careful. And she smiles at strangers even when she has a dozen reasons why she should curl up and cry. Sometimes she sings and sometimes it's pretty. She doesn't know how to touch other people but she has gotten very good at telling them how much she cares. She is learning to be brave but she's always been strong and resilient. She looks in the mirror and wonders if anyone will ever love her for who she is. Will ever want her. It takes her forever to eat anything and she gets excited over silly little things. She loves hugs: the longer the better. She can't see the way other people see her and that's why she tells others exactly how they seem to her. But only the good things. Sometimes she feels beautiful. She likes to cook things and feed people. She hates being alone. She fears that her love would be too much. That is would smother instead of comfort. She is so ready to be someone's only one. She pops her knuckles. She hates making decisions. She loves the way it feels when her muscles are tired from working hard. She misses the feeling of the sun on her skin. She is so unobservant she is almost disabled and it terrible at paying attention to anything. She has recently learned a new kind of love. She thinks the worst part about crying is that she can't smile at the same time. It takes her a long time to trust people. Usually. She wishes she could dance. She is trying to be the best version of herself she can be. She sees the best in people. She hopes they see the good in her too.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Words could never adequately convey my love for you.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Silly, silly me.

Oh goodness, I've started to notice something new about myself lately. I'm starting to get grumpy at night when I'm tired. It was never like that before.

Before, I was grumpy in the mornings and it took me forever to feel friendly and joyful. And then I could stay up all night long and just got happier as the hours went on. Now, I wake up all full of life and ready to tell someone how much I love them and be with people and all kinds of good things and then when I stay up too late I start getting grumpy and sensitive about stupid things and I can't figure out why on earth I'm upset in the first place. Must there be a grumpy part of the day?

Because last night I was a little grumpy about something and the more I thought about it the more upset I got and it was ridiculous because after sleeping I've decided that I shouldn't have been upset in the first place. In fact, I'm pretty happy right now. I'm lovely. I'm great.

Silly, silly me.

I am a sensitive, sensitive creature.

So anyway, I'm grumpy. Well, I'm calling it grumpy because "I'm not smiling and I don't want to talk to anyone because my feelings are hurt but my feelings shouldn't be hurt because I'm just too sensitive and it would be ridiculous to talk about" doesn't quite fit well as a mood descriptor, you know?

But I am feeling that way.

I just don't like the idea that spending time with me was anything other than absolutely amazing. Was anything other than any other positive word. Fun. Enjoyable. Relaxing. Comforting. Nice. Calming. Exciting. Great. Good. Any of those things would be a fine word choice to describe spending time with me.

Even these words would be acceptable some of the time: Fine. Okay. Familiar.

And if its not even any of those words, then why are we here together?

Because I've got plenty of voices in my head telling me all the reasons I'm not okay. And I have plenty of examples in the various forms of media and real-life for which I could compare myself and fall short. I don't have a shortage of influences encouraging a negative self-image.

But I like me. Sometimes I'm silly and loud. Sometimes I'm quiet and serious. Sometimes I smile at absolutely nothing and other times I have nothing to say. But I like me no matter what mood I'm in. And I like me no matter who I am hanging out with. Finally, finally, finally I am secure and comfortable in who I am all the time.

It's not easy to get there. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And it's not easy to stay here either. I feel like I'm constantly clawing my way back up to the top again.

I believe the negative things so easily. I am a tower of blocks. I am that game, Jenga. Is it really your job to slide out pieces and see how long I can stand? Do you want to hear the clatter when the pieces fall? Would you hang around to stack them up again?

I'm not asking you to build me up. That would feel lovely but I don't want to lean on you because I don't expect you to last forever. I'm just asking you to take caution with me. I'm not always as strong as I seem. You don't like it when other people hurt me, but honestly, you could do much, much more damage than they ever could.

But I'll say it once again: I am a sensitive, sensitive create and I shouldn't be hurt at all. Not at all. Not even a little bit. It shouldn't have even phased me. But it did.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Like when you crawl into bed and the sheets are the perfect kind of cold.

My favorite part of the day was seeing my two friends walk into my work. And I was embarrassed at just how happy I was to see them. Or maybe it was when they demanded I come over after work. Or maybe it was when Jeremy stood up and hugged me as soon as I walked in. Or maybe it was when he hovered over me in a threatening-like pose and demanded I tell him my secrets. Or maybe it was when Krystal put her head on my shoulder. Or maybe it was every moment after that until I walked out the front door again.

Or maybe it was when the young man at the gym kept smiling at me.
Or maybe it was knowing that this weekend is going to be great. Just great.
Or maybe it was the comfort and no longer fear that I feel from touching my friends.
Or maybe it was when I looked in the mirror and felt pretty.
Or when I flexed my muscles and felt strong.
Or when I saw my friends and felt loved.
Or when he noticed the details and I felt seen.

I suppose I don't know what my favorite part was. How horrible.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I am SO a words of affirmation person.

Those poor boys at Chipotle don't understand. How could they? They are only looking at me. But what they can't see is this: it's so much easier to smile when you are standing next to me.

And you can't see it either. What do you see but the version of me that is always with you? But its true. I'm happier just being around you.

I've made you lists and given you reasons why I so enjoy your company, but there is still some intangible, unnameable thing I can't quite express. Maybe it is the details. Or maybe it is the way all the parts make a greater whole.

But you make me feel like I could conquer the world. And they would all bow down and thank me for it. And then I would probably hand over the power to you and say, "I don't know what to do with this; you take it."

I don't know how long I get to keep you in my life. Friendships make me nervous in a new way now. People keep going away. People keep finding reasons not to stay. But I'm grateful for this time right now. Every day.

I'm glad I get to call you my friend. I love claiming your free time and giving you mine.

So anyway, next time we are in line and they don't listen to your order very well because they are commenting on how much I am smiling, remember: its probably all your fault somehow.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I am so incredibly impatient.

Things I actually have noticed:

I don't know if I can explain this well, but I'm going to try.

Before my weight loss, people barely payed attention to me. I didn't notice it then because it was normal and I was trying to be invisible anyway. I shut myself into my own little world and hoped no one noticed me most of the time. I was still friendly and talkative to people I interacted with, of course, that's the way I am, but it was different in a way I'm having trouble describing. It was like they made less eye contact with me. They talked less. A lot of times I would see that look in peoples eyes that they had already dismissed me as unimportant in their minds. Seen. Judged. Dismissed. But again, it didn't bother me because I just thought that was how people are. I was friendly and most people weren't. The end.

But now, it's different. People keep noticing me. The remember me. They comment about me to other people. How do I say this? Like the people at Chipotle that remember me coming in. That never happened before. Or the man at the smoothie place that remembers my order and how long it has been since I last came. And now the people at the gym. First it was the trainers there that all of a sudden notice me though I've been going there for almost a year and a half. And now other people that go to the gym recognize me and talk to me.

I don't really know what to do with all of it. I can handle the women just fine, but men make me nervous. Men rarely talked to me before. And I don't know the difference between friendliness and interest. And mostly the only "interest" I've ever experienced from the opposite sex has been the creepy kind of interest. Creepy, creepy guys.

I was just thinking about this because one of the trainers at the gym was talking to me today. And last Sunday too. Now when I come in he says, "Hey Skinny" and tells me how good I look. And his eye contact kind of lingers longer than I'm used to. He watches me approach the desk to scan my card or leave the gym when normally they only look up and back down again. Notice. Register. Dismiss.

How does this all work? It's all kind of new and scary. I know so little and I feel like everyone else has years more practice in dealing with the opposite sex. I've missed all those little lessons I can't even articulate. How to flirt. How to convey and decode interest. How to approach. How to hold hands the first time. How to do that moving-closer dance that people do. How to walk away gently when it isn't right.

I'm not interested in that guy at the gym. Or the smoothie place guy. Or anyone in particular that I haven't already talked about. But when the time comes, when I see someone I'm interested in and he is interest in me, I want to date. I want to find out what this is all about. Even if it is wrong. Even if I'll get hurt in the process. Because I want to learn and experience and try. Because I'm curious and impatient. Because I don't expect my person to be the first person I date. Unless I'm some crazy kind of lucky.

Some part of me seemed to believe that I wouldn't have to worry about any of this till I reached my goal weight. I mean, I've been hoping and hoping that someone could somehow fall in love with me the way I am: overweight and all the other things. But I still believed that it wouldn't happen. That no one would possibly even look my way until I was there at the end. I've always wanted like I think many, many girls want, to find my person. To be wanted. And desired. And loved. But I thought that wouldn't happen till later. That elusive day when a switch would turn and someone would see me as attractive. And then that day I would know all those lessons I don't know. Just like magic.

I'm not saying gym guy or smoothie guy or chipotle guys find me attractive. I can't know that. But they see me when before I was invisible. And they talk to me when before they just followed to cursory script. And it makes me face the idea that maybe there won't be a day where the magical switch flips. Maybe it will happen sooner.

I've been ready for the idea of falling in love, but I haven't thought about the details. The parts that aren't clear and might hurt and might be awkward and might be surprising and fun. Just in my head there was this person that would be next to me and with me and he doesn't have a face (because I don't know what he looks like) and he doesn't touch me (because I don't know what that feels like) and now I see that one day there is going to be a face and hands and voice to my person.

I was watching a movie with Jeremy the other day and someone killed another person by hooking up electrical clamp things to her ears. And before he did that he sucked on her earlobes to get them wet. Jeremy said something like, "Now you're going to think twice before you let someone lick your ears."

And one day I confessed that I flush the toilet with my toes at home because I think the handle is just too gross to touch and he said, "What if someone wanted to suck on your toes?"

And both these situations sent my mind to this new, unfamiliar place. People do that? What would that be like? Would someone want to do that to me? Would I want to do that to someone else? I don't know the answers to all my questions but I know that when I find out I'm going to be that nervous kind of shaky where my heart races just a little too fast and my arms feel like when I lift weights too long and they start wobbling in my hands.

I'm just grateful I have this place here to write. These are things I want to talk about but I don't know how. At least I express some version of what I'm trying to say here. Even if I get no response, I feel better having said it.

Travis Flynn was playing in my dreams last night.

I started a new workout with a trainer yesterday and I'm pretty sure every muscle we worked is sore. We worked all kinds of muscles. And some things she had to make harder for me because I've been working those muscles for a long time, but other things, mostly the arms, I've been neglecting I suppose because she had to go all the way down to the little five pound weights on my reverse fly's and kickbacks. Anyway, I hurt.

And Thursday I came to the horrible realization that I am spending more money than I make and that its going to have to stop immediately. I paid the bills that were due and had ten dollars left. Ten. And I informed my friends that I would not be participating in activities that required money and nice things happened. Christine bought me Chipotle for lunch on Friday, and Robbie was just fine with not going to P.F. Changs for dinner. My aunts invited me to dinner Friday night and I took Robbie with me. Jeremy paid for my movie Friday night, and Krystal took me to the Chambers of Horror Saturday night. It was all so very, very nice.

I have also realized that I am horrible at dividing my attention properly. When Johnna and I got to Jeremy's house on Friday night I forgot to hug him. I know this sounds like a minor thing, but I am all about hugs and it makes me sad that I forgot. Its just that I was worried about Johnna being comfortable and having a good time. And I forgot to hug my best friend.

This made me think back over other nights and weeks and situations and I find that this is probably a recurring pattern. I get so wrapped up in one person that I forget to give to the others. I don't know how to fix it. I'm not good at paying attention to more than one thing at a time. I prefer one-on-one settings to group settings most of the time, but group time is fun too. And necessary.

I don't mean to hurt people. I think I keep hurting people.

It bothers me so much more when I think someone is upset with me than it ever does for me to be upset with another person. My anger or hurt is usually pretty easy to fix and doesn't last long, but it takes a long time for me to stop fretting over having hurt someone I care about. Its an awful feeling.

And if you've been my friend for any length of time, you have probably experienced this. I'm so sorry. I can't say that I won't do it again, but I'm going to try to pay more attention to who I'm paying attention to.

Time for the gym again. Sigh. I freakin hurt.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

I was going to use this time and space to talk about all the things I like about you, but then I changed my mind. You must get tired of hearing that from me.
I was going to use this time and space to talk about all the things I like about you, but then I changed my mind. You must get tired of hearing that from me.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I'm all kinds of happy. I wish I could bottle this feeling up and then use it like perfume on the days when I just don't have enough.

Monday, October 12, 2009

I wish coming home didn't suck so much.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

When you said lipstick, I was thinking flavored lotion!

I know this can't be very interesting for you, but it helps me remember later when I read back over all of this.

Yesterday I woke up to Ashley making a delicious quiche. It was the good kind of spicy. Is there a bad kind of spicy? After that we got ready to go canoeing. I had never been before and I was nervous about tipping over. Well actually, I was nervous about trying to climb back into the boat after said disaster. I wasn't actually worried about alligators swarming in to eat me or anything. Also, I am pretty creeped out by the idea of things in the water touching me. Plant or animal. Eww.

But tipping over didn't happen. It was nice to feel the pull of the water against my paddle. The rhythm of each stroke pushing us forward. The scenery was beautiful and it was so peaceful. For a few minutes it did start raining and we couldn't figure out where it was coming from because the sky was the perfect blue with puffy, white clouds. And we did see two alligators. One was hiding near the plants at the edge of the water and the other was laying on the bottom underneath the clear, clear water. I really enjoyed the feeling of the sun on my skin.

Eventually I remembered that I don't like sitting still. I crossed and recrossed my legs in a vain hope to relieve the urge to move them, but the desire only grew. And my shoulders started to burn from making unfamiliar demands on lazy muscles. I enjoyed canoeing very much, but I think I only needed to do that once.

After canoeing we headed over to the hiking trail for a short hike. The heat of the day and threatening clouds kept it a short hike. When we came back home, we had dinner and showered. It felt so good to get clean. Then we went to a local movie theater to see The Invention of Lying. I thought it was really funny. Ashley thought it was just okay. Back home again, I read my book while Ashley gave me updates on the Twilight characters and we internet-stalked the actors through Twitter.

This morning I woke up hungry and Ashley suggested IHOP. A VERY good suggestion. Our poor server looked so tired and there was a visible gap of time between when he heard what we said and when he actually understood what he was hearing. Still, he got everything right and was very polite.

The beach. Oh, the beach. So, I haven't been on a beach since the cruise last August when I was very fat and very out of shape. I had this memory of a cruel sun and sand that sucked at my feet and too many people. This was nothing like that at all. We found a national park that apparently no one else knows about or something. The sand was a gorgeous brown near the dunes with pieces of sea shells in varying sizes throughout the coarse grains. Then it gave way to a fine white sand that looked darker near the water. It was soft and cool beneath my feet and shells littered the beach. The ocean stretched out beyond seeing and the breeze blew in over the water in time with the lapping waves. So perfect.

We played in the sand and ran in the waves. We let the water push and pull us. We laid on our stomaches and read. We wrote messages in the sand with the shells. I took pictures of the surf and my feet and the "I love you." And we got very, very warm.

Ashley wanted to talk to a park rangers so we visited the information center. The air-conditioned information center. With a cold water fountain. Excellent. I stayed outside and hid in the shade and texted people while she probably assaulted the man with a million questions. Thats when I realized that I was hungry. Luckily, Ashley was too.

We drove around the streets until we found a cute little cafe that promised sandwiches and smoothies. They lived up to that promise, but after we ate we decided that ice cream would be much better than a smoothie. It was homemade. I mean, actually made in that little cafe. It was delicious.

On the drive back to the beach I decided I was pretty tired and Ashley gracious took us back home. It started raining the strangest kind of rain. Big, ominous clouds were above us but all around the sunshine peeked over the edges. It only rained for about twenty minutes before it became, once again, a beautiful sunny day. In Ohio, it rains all day. It rains for days. It rains all week. I could handle the rain if it was always like this. It could rain every single day.

After our showers we ran errands, during which I decided I was hungry yet again. I picked up some pineapples at Walmart and had a hard time waiting till we got to the car to eat some. Goodness do I love pineapple. I think I could live off of pineapple and peanut butter. Probably.

Oh! Did I tell you Ashley gave me a tour of two local supermarket chains? Publix and Winn-Dixie. They looked a lot like a normal grocery store. Except Publix had peanut butter made right there in the deli. Just ground peanuts. I would SO buy that. But I can only take things back in three ounce containers. No fun.

Anyway, her mom made us spaghetti for dinner and I think things just taste even more delicous when you are hungry because that spaghetti was amazing.

What is it about the sun and the heat that seem to make you so much more tired and hungry than usual? I don't understand.

So now its not even eight yet but we have to go to bed soon because I have another insanely early flight home in the morning. I LOVE getting up early!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Ashley likes to turn off the lights mid-paragraph.

Did I tell you that I tried a strawberry yesterday? I think I forgot. But I picked the thing up and stared at it like it might bite me and then asked Denise what I do with it. She laughed and said I just bite into it. Well I did. And amazing just flowed into my mouth. Where have strawberries been all my life?

And then when Ashley got home we went to Downtown Disney after a long, slow ride on the highway. It had its benefits though as the guy in the big truck watched and then hooted at us. Twice. We were both pretty hungry and growing grumpy as we drove but we were still nice to each other. A testament to our friendship.

After driving around and around a couple parking lots we entered the mass of humanity wandering through the streets. Eventually we decided to try the Cuban restaurant Bongos. That was a very good choice. I tried fried plantains for the first time ever. They were interesting. I didn't like them at first but then discovered that they go very well with chicken in my mouth at the same time. Yum. I don't think I'll ever have a craving for plantains, but I love trying new things.

We wandered around for awhile after that. I enjoyed watching the two guys playing a two-necked guitar thing and, of all things, a bongo-like drum. There was also some instrument that he blew in that sounded like one of those Australian growly things. Don't you love my instrument vocabulary? I wanted to dance but no one else was and Katelyn wasn't there to shove me into the open space in the middle and start the dancing. One day, I WILL do that. I need to find the nerve.

Eventually we went to this wonderful place involving Ghirardelli sundaes which were horrible for us but I decided that sometimes is good to make "bad" decisions. Somehow, something about sundaes and a giant moon and the rippling water makes it easier to pour your heart and then offend one another. It was enlightening and amusing. After that, my feet hurt and we were parked far away so we left. I did dance on the way in and out of a bathroom, though this time there was no gathered crowd.

Sleepiness happened on the drive home but we actually saw another driver JERK AWAKE on the highway. Ashley kept a close eye and safe distance from that one. When we got home, we both read and lounged on the bed. I remember thinking that it would be great to read and be together with people. We did that.

And then it was time for bed. I liked that part too.

Friday, October 09, 2009

So its 91 degrees here.

Yesterday started at 4am. That part sucked but then I was pleased by a well-timed text message from Jeremy. Chris and Amber rode with me to the airport and Amber drove my car home. I had printed off my boarding pass online the night before and managed to cram all of my stuff into a carry-on so all I really had to do was go through security and find my gate. It was the first time I had ever flown alone. I liked it.

The woman sitting next to me on the plane clearly didn't understand all the don't-talk-to-me messages I was sending out such as the headphones and the feigned sleeping. Eventually though, when I stopped responding to her, she stopped making observations in my general direction. All I'm saying is, I only have to be nice to people in the morning when I love them or I'm getting paid to do it. Neither of these situations applied to this woman.

The next few hours were filled with the hurry up and wait of travel. And I was alone. It was okay because I had several books and my ipod, but I still generally prefer to have people I love around me. So I kept wishing someone was with me.

When I got to Orlando, Ashley's mom, Denise, was waiting for me. She bought me lunch at the airport Chili's and we wandered around the shops there. She was convinced that the server was trying to flirt with me but I just don't notice guys like that, so I didn't see it. He seemed like a person people would call attractive but he didn't smile very much. Thats not attractive at all.

Most of the afternoon was spent wasting time running errands while we waited for Ashley to get home from work. I was so tired that I couldn't even pretend to be excited about anything. Then I had a mountain dew. Things changed after that! They made cajun fries and hamburgers for dinner which were both much tastier than I imagined they would be.

Ashley and I went for a bike ride after dinner and then took her dog for a walk. She laughed at me as I reacted to foreign things like Spanish moss, palm trees, and all kinds of other plants. We ended up going to bed early because I was tired and she had to go to work this morning.

I just love the feeling of the sun on my skin and the vastness of a blue sky with puffy white clouds. I revel in the freedom of lighter clothes and getting to be active outside. It made me miss the summer biking and hiking days with my Ohio friends.

When she left for work I made myself breakfast and then went on a walk with her mom. After that I went on a bike ride by myself. After a shower, I went to a town called Sanford with Denise to wander through the antique stores there. Turns out there is a motorcycle festival thing going on down there. We went through all the tents of motorcycle-people jewelry and crafts and such. None of it appealed to me except for these necklaces made from guitar picks. Those were pretty. Oh, and one of the guys working in a tent said he had a desirable urge to count my freckles. And he kind of leaned forward when he said it and his hand came towards me before he stopped. That was creepy.

After wandering around a bit we stopped and at a little German cafe. I didn't order anything very German. I got chicken salad and fruit. It was so good. Pineapple was involved. Yum. Then we went into a million different antique stores. Now we are back home until Ashley gets here.

I have to tell you that not texting people is harder than I thought it would be. I don't actually even text very much when I'm at home, but I'm usually more occupied by things like work and the gym and cooking and cleaning and reading. But I've had more idle time in the last two days and it makes me want to talk to my friends. Texting is the fastest, most convenient way to do that and I keep reaching for my purse and staying my hand.

I just miss you. I wish I could take you everywhere with me. But I suppose then I wouldn't have any stories to tell you. I wouldn't appreciate it so much when I did see you.

Its so nice here. I miss the sun and I missed Ashley. But I also miss things about home. And I don't like leaving the people I love. I need to think about this in regards to joining the air force. I won't just be leaving for the weekend then. And I can't take you with me. Which one do I want more? Because nothing is permanent. Which one do I get to keep the longest amount of time?

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Sometimes writing doesn't fix it at all.

I feel better now. I mean, not healed. Thats going to take time, of course. But my friends that are still here made sure I knew it well. It sucks. I'll probably cry several more times. Sometimes in front of other people. Sometimes by myself. But it won't be like that one night again.

I hate that feeling.

It just makes me not want to let anyone close enough to do that. Makes me not want to care about anyone so much that it hurts like that when they leave.

But that won't work.

I feel better now. But I don't like the way this feels.

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Relationships matter a whole lot.

So I cried tonight.

I'm content nearly all the time. Even when bad things happen, I'm pretty resilient. I deal with it. I move on. I find a way back to my joy fairly quickly. I don't need people to cheer me up. I don't need people to fix it. But sometimes, I do need someone to listen.

And this weekend I realized that the only person I feel comfortable crying in front of is in Orlando. Every other relationship has deteriorated to the point where I can't even call them. Can't even tell them. Some of them are my fault. Some of them I couldn't save. But now I feel horribly, horribly lonely.

Jeremy is my only person here. The one I actually tell things to and worry about and miss. But that just scares me. I need to have more than just one person. Its too scary when it's just one. Then, if he is gone, there will be no one. And how can I trust him not to suddenly be gone? How can I trust myself not to mess this one up too?

If I have two or three close friends around then its not so devastating when something happens with one because there is someone else around to listen. Someone else around to help me deal with it. My Ashley in Florida let me cry on the phone. And I'll go see her this week. But she couldn't hug me today. And I really do need that.

Because I think I lost my other Ashley again. Just like that.

I told Jeremy about it. He called me and that helped.

I'm just so upset. I can't even be articulate enough to tell you. I don't even want to write about it. I just want to talk and cry about it and then let someone distract me with something else for awhile.

I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. Probably.

Strange children and cigarette smoke.

I have trouble trusting people. I know why and I'm consciously working on fixing that, but it is still a problem for me. Its the thing that makes me keep my upset feelings to myself. It's the thing that makes me find reasons to keep my distance. It is the reason I make sure I don't ever need anyone. I just enjoy people. I just really care for them. But I can't ever, ever need them.

And it is days like today that reinforce the part of me that wants to give up on people. I keep looking for the best. I keep hoping. (All while safely keeping my distance, of course.) And I keep getting disappointed.

I just want someone to prove me wrong. Someone who is consistently there. Someone who always is who they are, faults and all. They don't take on different personalities depending on the day. They don't up and disappear for various periods of time. They don't pay attention and then ignore me and then pay attention again. The rules are always the same: this is what I give and get from you, this is what you give and get from me.

But then I'm not even that person. How can I ask for that when I haven't even done that? My dear Ashley puts up with me even when I don't call her for a month. And she has hung on even though I'm not even the same Sarah Jo I used to be.

I'm just complaining because I'm hurt and disappointed and worried and I don't know what to do. And I hate feeling this way. And I don't know how many times I can forgive and move on. Or how many times I should. And I don't know how to compartmentalize this so that I don't start treating other people with unnecessary caution.

Happy things:

A phone call from a friend really can make a difference in a bad day. Even a short call.
My customers keep making positive comments about my cheerful disposition.
Some obscure relative gave us perks at the haunted place tonight.
I now have groceries.
I got to talk weight loss and air force talk with a guy tonight.
I played beer pong for the first time. Minus the part where I drink the beer. Gross.
Tomorrow I get to see my friends.
Kiersten liked me today.
I made a smoothie at my house today. It was delicious.
I got my hugs today.
I'll be going to Orlando soon.

Sad things:

Honestly, I wanted to be somewhere else tonight. With someone else.
Now here's that hole again.
I talked so much yesterday that my throat still hasn't recovered and I didn't even get to say anything I wanted to say. I just repeated the same crap over and over again.
My brother and Amber are at the house again. With Ambers sister. And her three children. And that more than doubles the number of people smoking in the house. And they are dirty and loud. I loathe strange children and cigarette smoke.
I hate that I seem to measure my happiness by the status of my most important relationships. And that so few become part of the "most important" category.

Maybe I didn't get enough hugs. There is something to be said for physical contact. Someone come sit next to me and hold my hand and tell me that it will all be okay, even if you have to lie.