Friday, October 30, 2009

So the point of failure is when you absolutely cannot lift that weight one more time.

Our electricity got shut off and I went to go stay with my aunt. Again.

This time was harder than any other time. This time I reached my breaking point. This time I felt like I would cry at any moment. And then I did cry several times.

I know I'm not the only one that knows how it feels to not be able to go home, but that doesn't make it any easier. I had absolutely no privacy. I was only alone when I was asleep or in my car. I spent a couple days with Jeremy and I just kept thinking about how I wanted to go home. It was the first time I ever spent time with him and wanted to be anywhere else. But I was thinking that I wanted to go home all day long. For days. Everywhere I was. I just wanted to go home.

I missed my bed. Mine. I missed the way my shoulders feel lighter when the bedroom door is closed. I missed knowing where everything is and where it belongs and being able to leave it out of place if I feel so inclined. I missed coming home and leaving whenever I want to. Without permission or informing anyone else. I missed having control over my surroundings. Who is in the room with me. How long they stay. What music is playing. I missed the Internet.

Mostly, I missed being able to be the me I am when no one else is around. I don't have to smile if I don't want to. I can sing ridiculous songs out loud if I want to. I can dance in front of the mirror in my underclothes. I can sit and read in the silence. I can wash my clothes and walk to the bathroom without pants on and I can cook things and eat whenever I'm hungry.

No one here reads my journal when I'm not around. They don't question my every action such as: Are you going to brush your teeth now? What did you eat for breakfast? What are you wearing today? Why did you lock the bathroom door? What's this? What's this? Can I look at the pictures on your phone? Who are you texting? What are you saying to them? What did they say back? Who is on the phone? Why are they calling you? Why are you taking a shower again today? Where did you go after work? What do you do when you work out? Why don't you watch TV? Who is Jeremy? Why do you have to text him when you get home? Are you bringing him to trick or treat? Why did you go to his house? What did you do there? Do you like him? Who is Ashley? Why is she calling you? Why does she live in Orlando? What does she do there? Who does she live with? Is she the one you visited? What did you do? Why do you have house shoes? Are your feet cold? Why did you eat chili for dinner two days in a row? Don't you like fried chicken? Are you going to get another tattoo? Will you read me a poem? Why do you keep closing the door? What time will you be home tonight? Why don't you just stay here? What do you keep writing in that book? Why do you want to write? What time are you getting up tomorrow? What are you going to have for breakfast? Are you mad at your mommy and daddy? Why do you want to go home? Are you coming for trick or treat? Are you dressing up?

I think I need a moment of silence now.

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