Sunday, October 25, 2009

I am a sensitive, sensitive creature.

So anyway, I'm grumpy. Well, I'm calling it grumpy because "I'm not smiling and I don't want to talk to anyone because my feelings are hurt but my feelings shouldn't be hurt because I'm just too sensitive and it would be ridiculous to talk about" doesn't quite fit well as a mood descriptor, you know?

But I am feeling that way.

I just don't like the idea that spending time with me was anything other than absolutely amazing. Was anything other than any other positive word. Fun. Enjoyable. Relaxing. Comforting. Nice. Calming. Exciting. Great. Good. Any of those things would be a fine word choice to describe spending time with me.

Even these words would be acceptable some of the time: Fine. Okay. Familiar.

And if its not even any of those words, then why are we here together?

Because I've got plenty of voices in my head telling me all the reasons I'm not okay. And I have plenty of examples in the various forms of media and real-life for which I could compare myself and fall short. I don't have a shortage of influences encouraging a negative self-image.

But I like me. Sometimes I'm silly and loud. Sometimes I'm quiet and serious. Sometimes I smile at absolutely nothing and other times I have nothing to say. But I like me no matter what mood I'm in. And I like me no matter who I am hanging out with. Finally, finally, finally I am secure and comfortable in who I am all the time.

It's not easy to get there. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And it's not easy to stay here either. I feel like I'm constantly clawing my way back up to the top again.

I believe the negative things so easily. I am a tower of blocks. I am that game, Jenga. Is it really your job to slide out pieces and see how long I can stand? Do you want to hear the clatter when the pieces fall? Would you hang around to stack them up again?

I'm not asking you to build me up. That would feel lovely but I don't want to lean on you because I don't expect you to last forever. I'm just asking you to take caution with me. I'm not always as strong as I seem. You don't like it when other people hurt me, but honestly, you could do much, much more damage than they ever could.

But I'll say it once again: I am a sensitive, sensitive create and I shouldn't be hurt at all. Not at all. Not even a little bit. It shouldn't have even phased me. But it did.

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