Sunday, October 18, 2009

Travis Flynn was playing in my dreams last night.

I started a new workout with a trainer yesterday and I'm pretty sure every muscle we worked is sore. We worked all kinds of muscles. And some things she had to make harder for me because I've been working those muscles for a long time, but other things, mostly the arms, I've been neglecting I suppose because she had to go all the way down to the little five pound weights on my reverse fly's and kickbacks. Anyway, I hurt.

And Thursday I came to the horrible realization that I am spending more money than I make and that its going to have to stop immediately. I paid the bills that were due and had ten dollars left. Ten. And I informed my friends that I would not be participating in activities that required money and nice things happened. Christine bought me Chipotle for lunch on Friday, and Robbie was just fine with not going to P.F. Changs for dinner. My aunts invited me to dinner Friday night and I took Robbie with me. Jeremy paid for my movie Friday night, and Krystal took me to the Chambers of Horror Saturday night. It was all so very, very nice.

I have also realized that I am horrible at dividing my attention properly. When Johnna and I got to Jeremy's house on Friday night I forgot to hug him. I know this sounds like a minor thing, but I am all about hugs and it makes me sad that I forgot. Its just that I was worried about Johnna being comfortable and having a good time. And I forgot to hug my best friend.

This made me think back over other nights and weeks and situations and I find that this is probably a recurring pattern. I get so wrapped up in one person that I forget to give to the others. I don't know how to fix it. I'm not good at paying attention to more than one thing at a time. I prefer one-on-one settings to group settings most of the time, but group time is fun too. And necessary.

I don't mean to hurt people. I think I keep hurting people.

It bothers me so much more when I think someone is upset with me than it ever does for me to be upset with another person. My anger or hurt is usually pretty easy to fix and doesn't last long, but it takes a long time for me to stop fretting over having hurt someone I care about. Its an awful feeling.

And if you've been my friend for any length of time, you have probably experienced this. I'm so sorry. I can't say that I won't do it again, but I'm going to try to pay more attention to who I'm paying attention to.

Time for the gym again. Sigh. I freakin hurt.

No comments: