Sunday, October 30, 2005

Conversation

I've been fighting with You all day
this argument wont go away
and I'm not giving in
You're asking for too much
too soon
and I'm not even sure of You
It takes all my self-control
not to run away
and now You want change me
just when I was happy
I'm pretty sure I'm happy
aren't I happy?
But You promise better things
like being so close to You
and knowing You
and seeing You
all I have to do
is give in
give it all up
all these things
these temporary things
that won't mean anything anyway
OK
You win
I'm giving up everything
that means anything to me
because I want You to be
everything thing to me
and already, I worry
What will You do with me?
Do You really know what I need?
Can You really make me happy?
Just You, just me?
I guess that's what they call
faith
Can You help me with that?
Will You help me with everything?
because suddenly
I need You.

Stuff

So basically, I found a new search engine, Blingo, powered by Google that gives you a chance to win a prize by using the search engine. The likelihood of actually winning a prize is pretty remote, but then, I know I'll never win a prize on those other search engines. . . so why not?

Sarah Jo

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Mmmm

Right at this very moment, I'm wearing my new pink pajamas. I just wanted to share with you warm, fuzzy, feelings created by my warm, fuzzy, robe and flannel pants.

Sarah Jo

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Thursdays with Joanie

Christopher found my coat. It was under my bed. And when he found it he said, "Sarah Jo" and shook his head exactly the same way Robbie did when I wouldn't get on the roller coaster. I'm beginning to see a trend where my middle name is only used in moments of exasperation or extreme amusement. What could it mean?

And I thought I wanted everyone to call me Sarah Jo. So, I decided I had better start introducing myself as such, but then I just can't. I want my friends to call me Sarah Jo, not random people I just met. You can meet Sarah, but it may take awhile for you to know Sarah Jo. Okay, so I know this just got a little weired. And saying my name in my head so many times is making it sound funny.

That guy in class this morning was really nice. You know the one I mean. And cute too, but that's not the important part. The important part was him knowing who the heck Relient K is and the permanent-seeming smile. We should mix things up more often, because talking to new people is fun.

Hehe. I was just remembering about the time we had a field trip in science class to uh, Trammel Fossil Park? It was cold outside so we went inside the building that was nearby while we waited for our professor to show up. The guys that worked inside kept walking by curiously, probably wondering why there were a dozen giggling teenage girls in the lobby. Finally, someone important-looking came and asked if we needed help. After a moment of confusion we realized that we were in a private office building. The man was nice and said we could wait inside as long as we needed. We giggled more and guys kept walking by . . . Anyway, who would have thought to read the big sign right in front of the building?

Why am I anticipating work in the morning? Eh, it could be SO much worse.

Sarah Jo

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Matthew Thiessen = awesome verbal skills

I would so much rather go to work than school tomorrow. That would be because of the two quizzes I have. Oh well, they have to happen some time. Better a quiz than a paper, I think.

I'm trying very hard not to get sick, but apparently I'm not trying hard enough. The chicken noodle soup and I have become good friends.

I'm tired of sneezing.

So, I'm really just wasting time away until the inevitable pseudo-studying ritual takes place. Thats where I pretend to read over the material again. It makes me feel better about myself while not actually helping me in any way. Yes, such are the requirements for satisfying my pointless mental structure. Something like that.

Hey, I could go alphabetize my CD's or go see what my mom is thinking about right now. Yeah, that would be better than studying.

Sarah Jo

Hey, I like this song:

The Thief
by Matthew Thiessen And The Earthquakes

I guess its safe to say youre never coming back
And I understand why yowouldnt want to
I guess it up to me to find a way to get to you

And I cant see you
And getting used to
Living in the midst of your perfection
And Im so lost
How can you trust
Somewhere the sun is always shining

And theres just one last thing that I have to say
As we reflect on the mess of all of this Ive made
cowardiceowardess that made me push you away
I was so afraid cause you were so much better than me

I guess its safe to say youre never coming back
And I understand why you wouldnt want to
I guess its up to me to find a way to get to you

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Did you read that book? Do you want to?

You are Vanilla Pudding. As "The Complex
Infrastructure Known as the Female Mind:
According to Relient K" puts it,
"She's not as rich as Tiramisu, she's not
as tangy as a Lemon Tart, she's not as
complicated as a White Chocolate Hazelnut
Cheesecake, or as exotic as Walnut Baklava. As
far as dessert goes, she's regular Vanilla
Pudding... not too crazy and not too
bland." "She is a nice, normal,
average girl. She's the proverbial girl next
door."


What girl type are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

"Nobody has blinded me!"

So the fun news would be that our furnace doesn't work. Consequently, neither do my fingers. Hmm, also. . . I cleaned out my shoe rack thing over the weekend and got rid of several pairs of shoes SO today I went bought some new shoes to fill in the holes. . .

I'm very, very cold right now. I'm thinking hot shower and quality time in front of the space heater. And maybe some hot chocolate.

I want to learn how to knit. Or crochet. Anybody know how? I think my grandma does, I'll have to bug her or something. Because I certainly need to start another project I'll never finish. Mom helped me clean out the closet and I have more room for half-finished projects now. Fun times.

But seriously, I can't feel my fingers. . .

Sarah Jo

Sunday, October 23, 2005

"You keep saying that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Goodness. I found three acoustic Relient K songs from Mmhmm. They are wonderful. Just now, I couldn't decide weather to say Relient K acoustic songs, or acoustic Relient K songs, or Relient K songs that are acoustic. . . so anyway. . .

Yesterday was great.
And. . .
The end?
Sarah Jo

Friday, October 21, 2005

Don't you hate these?

1. FIRST NAME
Sarah

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My grandma and my two aunts.

3. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
No, I just admire them

4. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE?
My right pinky finger.

5. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
I don't remember. . . I almost cried Saturday.

6. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
No

7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
honey ham

8. ANY BAD HABITS?
sure. I talk too much. I'm not a good listener.

9. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
Hanson, followed closely by the New Kids on the Block

10. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
I don't know. I hope so. Probably not.

11. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
Yeah, today actually

12. DO LOOKS MATTER?
A little bit, but they aren't the important part.

13. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
I cry.

14. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
Oh dear, I don't know. I don't feel at home here. Joanies house? Walmart?

15. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
Not at all.

16. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
I don't remember being a child.

17. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS?
That stupid nursing class. . .

18. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?
Umm, just this one.

19. ARE YOU SARCASTIC?
Yeah, sometimes.

20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
Not yet

21. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Wow. He's gotta love Jesus. Niceness. Good listener because I talk so darn much. And he has to be happy.

22. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES
Sarah Jo, Sarah Jo Mae, Sayrah, Pelirojo and others I shall not list.

23. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
No way.

24. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Nope

25. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU HAVE STRONG POINTS?
Of course I do.

26. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Mint chocolate chip.

27. WHO'S YOUR BEST FRIEND
Ashley the Clayness

28. FAVORITE COLORS?
PINK, blue

29. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
There once were four, they are no more.

30. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
Aww, now you are making me all sad with "I miss you" feelings. Stop.

31. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Yeah, I do.

33. LAST THING YOU ATE?
Umm. . . pizza?

34. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
I don't talk on the phone very much. . . Linda, definitely Linda Jo.

35. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
That smile.

36. WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?
Besides my textbooks? That was eons ago. . . something about a dragon and Atlantis

37. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
I'm much good. We laughed so much at work today. And we made Robbie act like a nosy old lady. Good Times.

38. FAVORITE DRINK?
grape kool aid, hot chocolate

39. DO YOU LOVE SOMEONE?
Romantically? No.

40. Favorite sport?
None of the above?

42. EYE COLOR?
Blue

43. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Nope, just the glasses, darn it.

44. SIBLINGS?
Little brother Christopher (16) and half-brother James (23?).

45. Favorite month?
Tough one. The one I'm in? Its the only one I really have. . .

46. FAVORITE FOOD?
Potato soup

47. LAST SHOW YOU WATCHED?
I watched a movie, Sisterhood of the Traveling pants.

48. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
everyday

49. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
DEFINATELY

50. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Autumn

51. HUGS OR KISSES?
I don't have experience on the kisses, so I'll go with hugs.

52. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Are you crazy?

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

I am understood?

I really need to vent just now. Or go somewhere, but I'm incredibly broke so the going somewhere wouldn't turn out so great. And the venting won't help either, because all the stuff I want to vent about would still be here, so what good would that be?

My lightbulb blew. And it was one of those "long-lasting" lightbulbs that's shaped all funny like a swirly tube. And I had it since July. Now, I believe it was supposed to last five years. I'm very disappointed.

In music class we are learning how to add simple harmony to simple songs, like twinkle twinkle or something. My fingers don't like the piano. Or the piano doesn't like my fingers. I cant make them reach where they need to go or stay where they should be or push down when they should and not push down when they shouldn't. Especially my pinky finger. And I have a terrible time trying to read music. I know how scales work and I know how songs should sound, but trying to look at the scale and know that that note is a C, I just can't do it. I always have to count up to it, you know, "F. . A. . .C"

I can't wait to find out what I got on my midterm.

I really like the lyrics for the new song so I'll share them because they aren't on a website anywhere yet:

The Truth by Relient K

And I've collected all these thoughts
and I'm dying just to lose them
and if your words are true or not
Ill die trying to prove them

but Ill just have to accept
that my mind is so inept
when the only thing that's left
for me to do is to trust you

convince me
because I really need your help
convince me
because I cant see this for myself

Ill put the emphasis on the evidence
begging for the proof
sometimes the hardest thing to believe
is the truth

this is so unnerving
I know you've never lied to me before
but the things you're telling me
I cant yet believe yet cant ignore

but Ill just have to accept
that my mind is so inept
and the only thing that's left
for me to do is to trust you

Ill put the emphasis on the evidence
begging for the proof
sometimes the hardest thing to believe
is the truth

you said to place our lives into your hands
confide in what you'll do
sometimes the hardest thing to believe
is the truth

its a world full of cynics
who say to stay alive in it
you gotta stick with what you know
but the soul is always aching
for the heart to start taking
a chance by letting go
So let go
let go
sometimes the hardest thing to believe
is the truth

you said to place our lives into your hands
confide in what you'll do
sometimes when you're trying to sleep
and all your doubts and your faith don't agree
it cus
sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

I might as well say it. You thought I was really going to say it, didn't you?

Last night I dreamed that the house caved in, and it didn't make me sad at all.
And I keep thinking about this dream I had. . . uh. . . not last night, but sometime before that. . . anyway, someone was yelling at me, "Why do you always want what you can't have?" It was so real, and no one ever yells at me. *thinking* So, who was yelling at me, and if I do always want what I cannot have, why do they care enough to yell at me about it? Did I write about this already? I don't know. I've been thinking about it.

I feel so wonderful. My midterms are over with and now I can relax for a moment. I get so stressed and its so stupid because stressing doesn't help at all.

Aww, and I miss you.

Now I'm going to do something fun that is completely uneducational, if there is such a word.

Sarah Jo

Monday, October 17, 2005

What is this? I don't like it, I like it too much.

You've got me
staying up late
just for the chance
to talk to you.

And you've got me
daydreaming
when I should be
doing my homework
or cleaning my room
or something better than
just thinking of you.

And you've got me
singing your favorite songs
and I hate them.

And you've got me
smiling to see you
dying to touch you
living for your smile.

And laughing until I cry
and playing your words
over and over
and worrying about your happiness
and everything about you.

And I think I could hate you for it
if I didn't like you
so much.

I know you probably don't care but. . .

You can hear a new Relient K song here. Its the second song on the playlist, called "The Truth". Its from the Apathetic EP coming out November 8th. Thanks for tuning in. Please stick around for a word from my sponsor. . .

me

I laughed till I cried today. And I can't stop thinking about. . . Nothing.

"Sometimes the hardest thing to believe is the truth" that's from the song. Humor me and go listen to it.

Sarah Jo

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Buddha's Fruit:


A testament to my pumpkin growing/carving abilities.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

"You look like you're having a seizure!"

The day started at 5am. That's just wrong. But the trip was so much fun. We left when it was still dark, we came home when it was dark. It felt like we had only been gone ten minutes instead of 16 hours. Man. On the way home, we saw this courthouse, and then a combine thing out in one of the dark fields. Then we saw another courthouse just like the first one. Then we saw another combine. Then we saw another courthouse that looked just like the other two. And we heard R.O.C.K in the USA twice. And the Red hot chili peppers twice. It was crazy. And we were singing SO bad in the car on the way home. It was great.

In MI, Ashley gave us a tour of the campus then we went to Anne Arbor. Apparently there was a home game going on because the streets were flooded in yellow and blue. It was beautiful up there.

Right now, I'm tired and my throat hurts from a combination of sickness, talking talking talking (what else do you do in the car for hours and hours? Oh yes. . .) and singing poorly. But I feel great.

And I didn't even have to drive. Thanks to Robbie.

Sarah Jo

Friday, October 14, 2005

NOT INTERESTING

Awww guys, no. I'm getting sick. And I'm pretty sure I 've been grumpy for a week. A week? Yeah, a week. Well, grumpy for me. I'm sorry. And now I'm sick, darn it. I'm sorry if you had to deal with my grumpiness. I'm blaming it on midterms and ill-timed emotional stresses. Yes. That works, right? But, I'm happy right now, happy with a sore throat and ect. . . but much happy. I got vegetable soup for dinner counting on its soul-warming properties, but I was disappointed by the unusually high lima bean content of said soup. I don't like lima beans. Oh yeah, so everything is better that hasn't been all right, but you don't know what I mean, but it makes me feel much good.

I turned down TWO hugs this last week. Now, have you ever seen me turn down a hug? No, I didn't think so. But I was in one of those moods where I was using all my energy to be friendly and it wasn't good enough. It wasn't my normal friendly. So people at work were kind of concerned and they kept giving me reassuring smiles and putting their arms around me and such and I just wanted to go hide in a dark room. Melanie offered me a hug when I left Wednesday, and I turned it down. She hugged me anyway. Iris offered to hug me this morning. I turned it down also. She was a bit offended and informed me that she's not a "hugging person" and that it was a rare occurrence for her to offer one like that. I'm sorry guys. I don't want an "aww, there there, it will be okay" hug. I want an "I love you this much" hug. They are different. Trust me. The first is kind of one arm hugging, one arm patting, trying to look you in the eyes hug. The second is a squeeze, both arms. Like you are trying to physically transmit your affection through an embrace.

Anyway, I would love to say, "I don't know what the heck was wrong with me" But I DO know what was wrong with me and the fact that I was so upset over something like that made me even more upset because I don't want someone else having that kind of power over my emotions. Its over now anyway. And I'm going to try my best not to go running back into my shell. No one can hurt me there, I know, but no one can love me there either.
I know you don't want to hear about any of this. I just wanted to talk about it without having to answer questions. I wanted to say this much.

Tomorrow is the "road trip" to MI. I'm much excited. We are leaving at 6am, so yeah, I need to get to bed early tonight. I hope I feel better in the morning. I'm glad Robbie is going to drive. Oh yeah! MAP! Crap, I mean, goodnight.

Sarah Jo

What is your favorite color?

Mine is pink. I'm also awfully fond of blue.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Do this, or don't. You know, whatever.

So, you should vote for Relient K on MTV TRL countdown thing. I'll even give you the link in case your uber lazy.

http://www.mtv.com/onair/trl/vote/

Buh bye now.

Sarah Jo

I like the way you say my name.

Or I did, until you said it that way. I hate being the disappointment in your eyes. And now everytime you smile at me I can only think of the time you couldn't look at me. And everytime you say my name I only hear it the way you said it that day. And maybe you have forgotten, but how can I? I'm not used to being the one messing things up and now I feel like I never want to take that chance again. Because if I never get close to you, we can never hurt each other. But what kind of life would that be? I'm sorry, but that will never make it go away.

I think I liked my fantasy better, but I can't have that anymore either.

Sarah Jo

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

"To practice the life that I pretend"

Hmm, I don't know. I feel like I shouldn't say this, but I'm just so sad. And I don't know why. And I keep trying to think happy thoughts like usual and be my happy self, but its so much more work than usual and even when I muster up the energy to appear happy, its just pretend, and its exhausting. And I have this heavy, sinking feeling in my chest like I could never fill up this hole inside of me. And I know that's not true, and I know that its just temporary, but I don't want to be here at all. And I don't want to say these things at all. But I feel like I'm walking around lying to everyone everytime I smile. Its just the stress, I tell myself. Midterms and *stuff* will be over soon and I'll look back at this and roll my eyes at the dramaqueenness of it all. But right now, I'm so sad.

"and I just want for all of this to end"

Sarah Jo

p.s. I was looking for the link for my little quote there, and played some RK while looking. And I find it truly amazing how healing music can be. Truly Amazing.

Uh,

Hi!

Monday, October 10, 2005

What happens next?

Write this down
spell it out
because its fading
as quickly as my breath
until there's nothing left
but the memory of exhaling

As my lips form the words
oh, you have never heard
you will never ever hear again
not from me
I'll say it once and nevermore
I've never felt this way before
Here it is:

oh no, doubt and fear come rushing in
I'll never have this chance again
and as the moment slowly dies
and you're still searching in my eyes
I say the thing that makes me tremble
and you. . .
and you. . .
and you?

Sarah Jo

And it took me six tries to type my name correctly

Apparently this isn't any less distracting than being at home. This being school. I was surprised to find that The Jug/Java Johnny's now has a trailer set up in the quad area. Its nice that they finally brought in some method to feed us, because those vending machines just weren't cutting it. These keys click really loudly. It makes me want to type fast just so everyone can hear me. I'm so vain. Hehe. Except I don't have much to say and I have plenty of reading to do for pyschology. Four chapters by next Tuesday. I've had all semester to do this, stupid procrastination. Here I go again.

Darn it.

And Amber (my brothers gf) got a dog, and since she sort of lives with us they both think that the dog is going to live with us too. I don't think so. No way. Animals smell and make me sneeze and and and get fleas and sit on the furniture and drool all over you and get hair all over everything. No way. But of course, I have no authority in the house and no one cares what I think. Because apparently its all right for my little brother to smoke and cus and sleep with his girlfriend and drive without a license, all without so much as a word from my parents. So what difference does a dog make, really?

Okay, okay. I'm grumpy but I'm done complaining.
For now.

Sarah Jo

A tribute to the middle-school letter-writing days:

I had a very vivid dream last night. Giving all the details would take forever and that would be pointless, so I won't. Important points (I guess?): I was driving home and I couldn't see because it was so dark and I had sunglasses on for some reason and I couldn't even see enough to pull over and stop. Eventually I did stop because there was a road block thing and we had to clear it, but there was lots of snow and animals out to get us and I didn't have any shoes on. I just remember thinking, I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing but I can't stop now.

Well, okay kids, since I don't have to work today, I think I'll take me and my homework somewhere less distracting.

L.A.O.I.S
Sarah Jo

Sunday, October 09, 2005

"Dear You"

I'm not so happy just now. And I don't know whether I want to be alone or with someone else. I know I don't want to talk about it, I just want to feel better. I just want to lose myself in something else and stop thinking so much.

The concert last night was very awesome, and very cold. Relient K played 15 songs, I think. It was great. And I caught a guitar pick that Jon threw. It made me much happy. And they left the Jesus parts in. I took my camera, and then didn't take very many pictures because I wanted to watch the show instead of trying to get good pictures. We were so close. Hmm, now I have to wait till next year to do it again. Unless someone wants to go to Cleveland? Didn't think so.

Sarah Jo

Hmmm

That wasnt so great. A little dissapointing. Better luck next time?

Friday, October 07, 2005

I'm SO jealous.

And its great because its something new. I think that's a little sad, or maybe I'm a little sad. Because I'm jealous.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Love somebody, yes I do! La la la la, doo doo doo.

Be for me, everything I've always wanted. Know, somehow, everything that you should say. Change as quickly as my expectations. Cover me with happy things and tell me who you are. Sing for joy and make me want to be a better person. Laugh out loud, and cherish me for who I am. Be imperfect and let me love your imperfections. Listen and really care. Don't make me feel like I'm not good enough. If I'm not good enough then why are you here?

And I love structure, and I hate that I do. And you haven't figured me out yet and its never the same you. And sometimes I talk for my own benefit (like now). And what will I say next? I have a knot right here behind my shoulders. I like hugs. The song in my head is one I've never heard before. I wish I could give birth to it but my songs always die on my lips. The other day at work I was telling someone that I babysat Kaitlynn on Tuesday but it came out, "I had a baby on Tuesday" and everyone laughed and I was so embarresed. And I. . . sigh. I don't want to grow up and grow old. I dont want to stay here forever either. I just hate this wood paneling. I was so sad when that tree died while the scary music played. And my happy pink paper just isnt happy enough for botany. One day one day one day one day I hope I hope I hope anticipation does not end in dissapointment. Im so busy waiting for tomorrow I'll look back to find I've lost all my yesterdays. My finger hurts. Just one. Why would it do that? I didn't give my finger permission to hurt.

Thanks for all the times you told me to shut up and quit worrying. And thanks for making me uncomfortable. And thanks for making me do things I didnt want to do at the time. Thanks for still being there when I tried to push you away. Thanks for being the kind of friend I needed. I need.

And you. You upset me more than I allow most people to do. I don't know why on earth I keep staying around. You just make me want to GRRRR.

And you. Well, you know how I feel about you.

And you.
And you.
And you.

Well, I love you.
But thats beside the point. The point is, there is no point. Something. like. that. I was going for structurelessness. It didnt work well. I see the structure. Maybe you do. I'll never tell.

Sarah Jo
or whatever my name is

He's like, "GO AWAY!" and She's like, "NO!"

My quiz thing in mythology today was great. I love that class. I really like classical mythology, all the stories. These stories are definitely different than the versions we learned in high school. Now I want to watch Hercules. I don't have Hercules. Darn it.

I spent the evening with Joanie, Ashley, Elisabeth, and Kaitlynn. Well, Ashley came later. But it was much fun. And I purchased Mancala at Target and played it with my mom and Amber. It was great. My mom was really good at it.

And. . . I just got distracted

Okay, so Im pretty far behind in two classes so I think I'll go play ketchup now. Something like that.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Grandpa says to me today:

The greatest thing you can find in this life is the Lord Jesus. He will never leave you. You may have to go some places you don't want to go, but he will never stop and make you continue on your own. He will be with you always, and you will never be alone.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Alphabet Soup

So I was doing that thing where I think too much and try to analyze things when I should just leave it alone. And I wish I could move my thoughts into another direction, because I don't like where this is going, I don't like where this has been.

I want to talk about it and I don't want to talk about it.
I even love the way he says my name, like its something he likes to say.
Darn it. This isn't working. This isn't working at all.

I imagine all the words I'm not saying piling up inside me from my toes up. Like the robot city, but you have no idea what I'm talking about. All the little letters stacked haphazardly just behind my lips now, threatening to spill over, pushing at my fingertips, willing me to move. And I'd say so much more if only you weren't listening.