Thursday, December 29, 2005

Grandpa told me once that I have fifty dollar kisses.

Elisabeth wanted fifty kisses from me before I left. She can't count to fifty, so she had no idea how many kisses that was. I gave her fifty kisses. Twenty percent of them landed on her teeth because she kept saying the number as I kissed her. Then I decided to go for the cheeks until she couldn't count any higher. That happened at 17. Has anyone ever wanted fifty kisses from you?

Sarah Jo

Monday, December 26, 2005

Kaitlynn has her hands on my cheeks, staring at me with those endless eyes of hers. I think the secrets of existence are in those eyes. I ask her if she can see my soul. She says yes. I ask her if she likes what she sees. She gives me that playful smile that makes me wonder what shes hiding this time.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Hello? Kites!

I wish you had been there with me.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Aww, thanks guys.

You make my heart go: YAY!

So, after the party yesterday, I drove home crying and when I pulled up to the house, I realized I was locked out. Christopher pulled up right behind me. We both got out of the car and he hugged me really tight and let me cry on his shoulder. Then he said we should go shopping at Wal-Mart to find some happy. By the time we got home it was time to go back to church for another choir performance and I was very tired and had a headache from crying. Don't you hate that? As if you aren't already upset enough by whatever made you cry, THEN you get a headache? I protest. Anyway, so after choir I came home in a pretty bad mood and decided to play the role of drama queen for awhile. By the end of the night I was laying on the floor in front of my computer crying because I couldn't find "that one thing", I was tired, hungry, I had a headache, and my family didn't love me. It was not really one of my finest moments.

Anyway though, I'm done. Thanks so much for the love and happy thoughts. I love you too.

Sarah Jo

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Gimme Gimme Soma Lovin

I had a pretty awful time at the *Christmas party* today. I was pretty much ignored the whole time. I give up. I'm not doing this anymore. Why should I spend time with people that only make me cry, just because they are "family"? No more Christmas. No more thanksgiving. No more anything. Moms side of the family will just have to be enough for me because Im not spending another holiday with Dads family.

If you'll excuse me, I need to go tend to my puffy eyes and emotional wounds.

Sarah Jo

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Honey, Darlin', and Dear

Yesterday, I blushed to the roots of hair. I didn't know I could do that. And I laughed until I thought it wasn't fair that I should be so happy. And I remembered that story and all the details and was consequently called a good listener. I've never thought of myself as a good listener, I'm a talker. I talk, talk, talk. And I was also called patient. Not only patient, but an example of patience. I thought I was impatient. I think I could add a few more to the list. You know, it really is nice to be around people that only build you up, that only support you and compliment you. I want to be the person building other people up too. I want to be everything they tell me I am.

Sarah Jo

"Originality is a ghost town, and its oh so hard to get to"

I just wanted to inform you that Relient K will be touring within a reasonable driving distance TWO TIMES in the spring. Therefore; I plan to see Relient K TWO TIMES this spring.

Thank you for your time.

Sarah Jo

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I only cheated a little.

This post is inspired (plagarized) or whatever by Tommy. So thank you very much.

This is what you do:
Take the first one or two sentences from the first post of each month all year long and put them together to create your report card thing.

Mine are in chronological order Jan to Dec line by line:

Hugs like a drug.
I have several things I want to share tonight.
Where is my (random object)?
It was beautiful, in a creepy sort of way.
The beauty of anticipation
I've had an army print filled day.
Hey Kids
Okay sir, well, you have a great day!
I came home and everyone was grumpy. And then they all left.
And I'd say so much more if only you weren't listening.
Good day. Started off amusing, got even better.
Honey, you're my dream come true.

I did cheat a little. October is the last line from the first post, it was just to great to abandon.

Sarah Jo

Monday, December 12, 2005

The highlight of my dreams or Reading between the lines.

Last night, in my dreams, I was so lost. I was so alone. I couldn't really shake that feeling today. I had forgotten all about the dream, but the feeling remained. Then something reminded me about dreams. . . and it came rushing back in full detail. I used to feel alone quite a bit, but that was some time ago and its not me anymore. Ashley and I were talking about that the other day, the "teenage" phase of "no one understands me and I'm depressed about it and I hate the world and the world doesn't even know I exist". Did you go through that? I remember it well, but I'm not there anymore. I most certainly am not alone and I don't think I ever truly will be. And anyway, my happiness is not dependent on my current company. But last night. . .
It always seems like this one is the one.
And I find it disconcerting that, that, that, each person can be a feeling, a good feeling maybe, a bad one, but un-named. The name of the feeling is yours. And the disconcerting part is that when its a bad feeling, I have no way to stop it. A word, a look, and here it comes. I'll explain: Kaitlynn makes me smile, my heart "wriggles" and the muscles in my arms twitch in a desire to hold her. And just thinking of Kaitlynn or looking at a picture of her makes me feel this way. I could go through the list of everyone and their feelings, but that would be telling you too much. But anyway, back to the bad part. One sentence, and one look, and a small inflection of the voice, and a shift of weight from one foot to the other, and I really don't like the way you make me feel. And all those walls I've built up by time, distance, or cruel words, they don't protect me from the crawling under my skin, the wrinkle of my brow, and the emotions like bile in my throat.
Such as: repulsion, shame, desire, longing, hate, insecurity, hopefulness, disappointment, anger. . .
And that dream. . .
Long halls with so many doors, so many floors and I was searching, searching. And I had to find it/her/he/them quickly because time was short. It was urgent. And I couldn't do it by myself. Too many rooms, not enough time. And it was empty here, crowded there. Gray. I wanted out, out into the sunshine and the green grass and the air that moved and smelled of life, not the gray/eggshell/beige template, metallic recycled air, of the windowless tower of . . . monotony. security. routine.
Anyway, what I feel now is cold, and he makes my cheeks flush with warmth and pleasure.
I wish I had strength and beauty in me.
But I don't.
I hope someone will love me anyway.
Sarah Jo.

Unfiltered, undiluted, unadulterated Sarah Jo:

The last week has been a blurry haze of stress, falling asleep on books, very fun times, and STUFF. I would like to highlight the "very fun times". Like the Christmas party for work, that was very much awesome. And seeing the Chronicles of Narnia was happy. I was in one of those "jittery" moods after that. When I get really excited/enthusiastic/happy about something, I feel like every cell in my body is wriggling with happiness and I just want to touch people, hug someone or something, just in case its contagious. Saturday I gave up on caring about stuff and slept for a long time. I bought a candle warmer and I have been having much fun with it. Ashley, that candle was too big. I went to the hallmark store and got some of those tarts, they are perfect. I'm sleepy. I've watched a lot of movies these last two/three days. I can't wait till exams are over so I can stop procrastinating for awhile. Geez. I played "botany bingo". That was great. Melanie says I smell like cookies. I had a dream that Ashley Jelonek died. I woke up crying after that one. Then I dreamed that I went shopping with my dad and I bought more stuff than I could afford and the cashier kept adding things and I told her I didn't have enough money and she said if I bought her a pair of shoes I would have enough money and I didn't understand and she explained that if I bribed her with shoes she wouldn't charge me as much but I just wanted to put stuff back because that would be very wrong and I've just written a terrible run-on sentence. Reminds me of The Scarlet Letter. That dream wasn't nearly as bad as the one about Kaitlynn getting kidnapped. Relient K is playing in my head right now, "I'm giving up on giving up slowly. . ." I would love to sit here and go on and on about the same subject just because it makes me happy to talk about it but. . . . I won't. A week can be a REALLY long time, you know.

Sarah Jo

Monday, December 05, 2005

"I really can't stay. . ."

That song, "Baby, It's Cold Outside" has been stuck in my head all day long. I absolutely love it.

I was going to say more but stress is hitting me over the head like a:

Bag of marshmallows
pound of feathers
a handful of whipped cream
roll of toilet paper
Miami Middletowns Spring Scheudule Book
basket of (clean) laundry
gust of air

As you can see, we havent reached the extreme stages of stress-ness just yet.

Sarah Jo

Sunday, December 04, 2005

All the things I didn't say:

I feel SO much happier when you are near. But I'm not me around you. I'm whatever it is I think you would like me to be. I think I remember eveything you say. I think I like you more than all those other ones. I don't want a relationship with you, it could never be better than this fantasy. Your honesty is confounding. When you are upset with me, I feel that I could never escape from the sadness of it. When you compliment me, my heart races like fiery butterflies under my skin. You make my cheeks hurt because I can't stop smiling when I am near you. And I talk too much because I don't want the silence between us. I delight in your facial expressions and the way you smell. I love the way you laugh, and the way you surprise me. I love the way you say my name. You are clever and so caring and open. Your emotions are written all over your face and across your shoulders. I don't want a relationship with you because I could never deserve you. You make me feel good about me. If you were a color, you would be amber. If you were a season, you would be late spring, so full of life and warmth and beauty. And I could talk about you until I ran out of people willing to listen.
I spent a beautiful Sunday with Kaitlynn and Ashley. Happiness has filled all the space not occupied by the stress.
Sarah Jo

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Honey, you're my dream come true.

Its curious that he said he tried to get into my dreams and then I read a book about visiting other peoples dreams.