Sunday, July 31, 2005

Just talking to talk

I went to church this morning. Then I had brunch at my grandma's house. Then I went to the Dayton mall all by myself. This was actually the first time I've ever done that. Some guy sitting outside wistled at me when I went in and that made me mad because I knew he was just being mean. I wish people could just stop being so cruel to one another. It embarresed me and I just tried to get in the door and away from him as quickly as possible. Anyway, I don't like the mall very much and it is even less apealling alone, so I did not stay long. I was home by 1:30 and have been here since. I'll just say that Im really glad I have a job to keep my occupied. I don't like sitting around the house doing nothing. This is terrible. I even started cleaning my room out of boredom.

I think I'll go get in my car and see where I lead me.

Sarah Jo

Do you remember that day we. . .

Lets go somewhere together, just you and me. We will waste hours away walking down every aisle at Walmart, talking across a table at that little coffee shop, playing badly at putt- putt, or just driving down the endless country roads. We will talk about pointless things, like which drawer you put your socks in or who makes the best pizza ever. We will talk about important things like your deepest desires and what you fear. Time will run away from us and we will wonder how it got to be so late. And when it is time to say goodnight, we will talk even more, standing by our cars in the parking lot, because we don't really want to say good bye, not really. And as I drive home, I'll smile when I think of the day, because it will be a day I got to know you more. What could be better than that?

Sarah Jo

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Hello? Anybody home?

I just got home from work to find the house empty. I don't know where anyone is and I would much rather be doing anything, anywhere than sitting here in the house all alone.

Work was pretty crazy today. I don't know why all of humanity has to wait until the last Saturday of the month to come to the BMV and then COMPLAIN about how packed it is. Okay, all the steam is blown off.

I've had the same song lyrics repeating over and over in my head today, all at the same time. First is "I want to fall in love with you." I don't know who sings it, what the title is, or how the rest goes. Also, Let my words be few and another song that says over and over "We, we love you, we love you Lord, we love you and. . . " KLOVE started it by playing that first song on the radio when I was heading to work this morning.

Where is everyone?

Oh, someone's home!

Sarah Jo

Friday, July 29, 2005


Oh, my soul
if I could but take the chains off of you
and set you free. . .

Oh, my heart
if I could but give you away to someone
who would not give you back to me. . .

Oh, my tears
if I could but bottle you up and preserve you
for only moments of delight. . .

Oh, my eyes
if I could but keep you from the darkness of
another night. . .

Oh, my life
if I could but lock you away
and never let you go. . .

but with no tribulation,
happiness I would never know.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Don't assume anything, my dear.

This evening I went to see the musical Footloose with Rachel, her mother, and Katy. It was much fun. The musical was great, but I enjoyed spending time with my friends the most. Rachel said we should all go speed dating. I think that would be terrifying and wonderful. I hope we do.

Tomorrow after work I shall go to the Greekfest with the gang from work. I'm looking forward to that. I like everyone from work and I enjoy spending time with them. I've never been to Greekfest before.

A had a whole list of things to say before I put my fingers on the keyboard, but I think one of the items was complaining about the toilet, so I'll scrap that list.

I guess I'm thinking about a lot of things right now that I wouldn't feel comfortable putting here. I don't come upon things like that very often because most of the time I want people to listen to me, weather or not they know me or respond. I like to be listened to. But what I want right now is not to talk about it, I want resolution, or just the knowledge of how things turn out in the end. I know I've said it before, but if I could just see how things turn out, I could bear all the burdens till then. Of course, if I knew the ending, there would be no suspense, no build up of tension or anticipation, and what is a good story without that?

Sarah Jo

Not the ones with the half-naked people on the front.

So I stayed up till after 4 in the morning reading a romance novel, which is never a good idea. (Unless its P.C. Cast, the goddess.) They always leave me disappointed with reality. I should stick to science fiction. But reading the book itself is so great. I always have a girl moment where I have to sigh, oh, how beautiful. Anyway, I had to get a couple romance novels from the library because they were on my "To read" list. Well, I think I'll trash the list and read whatever I want to at the time and not what I wanted to read when I made the list. Yes, that's what I'll do.

Now, get the heck away from my heart because its fragile and not to be messed with.

Sarah Jo

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

"Im a lonesome polecat. . . "

I like to sing, and I sing quite a bit, weather or not those around me want to hear it. At work today I was singing songs from Seven Brides. It made for fun times. Robbie is always singing at work too, and that is the main reason I feel comfortable doing so. I sing when Im happy. Its like smiling is not enough. If I sing, you can know that Im happy without looking at me.

I was trying to think of something more to say on the subject, but text just wont do. It just feels good to sing. I would sing for you but. . . how? And yes, I am fully aware of audioblogger, but I wouldn't be singing to you then, I would be singing to the phone and sounding like a fool, a fool forever immortalized on the internet. No thank you.

Did you know that the Middletown Public Library has audio and ebooks that you can totally download for free? You do have to sign up there, but you download at home. I just downloaded Dracula and The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. VERY cool.

Well then, I've got lots of reading to do before I sleep. That reminds me of a poem by Robert Frost.

Anyway, I was saying Good Night.

Sarah Jo

I can't think of a title this early in the morning.

Well, Ive got about ten minutes before I have to leave for work. That's not enough time to start a book and I really don't want to watch TV, so here I am.

It just recently hit me that school will be starting back up soon and Im not very excited about it. I don't really want to drive to Hamilton once a week for my night class. No, lets reword that: I really don't want to drive to Hamilton. . . .

When school starts I'll have to buy books and work less (work less = less money) and do homework and read textbooks and I just hate reading textbooks when there are so many other interesting books out there. Anyway, it has to be done. If I don't do this now, life will suck, I'm sure.

I was thinking the other day, if I wasn't going to be a teacher, what would I do? I don't have any idea. Teaching seems like the safe, the good, the right thing to do. I guess I would want to do something with writing but I don't know what that would be. Hmm.

I have such vivid dreams. They are so real sometimes. Its so easy to see where the bits and pieces come from sometimes, and other times. . .

Well, its time to go!

Sarah Jo

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

The weirder they are, the more I like 'em!

My boss called me today and told me I could take the day off if I wanted, so I did! I spent the day driving around with Mom.

I have driven SO much in the last three days. I've spent more time on the highway driving since Sunday than I have all summer long. Usually trips that involve the highway also involve me making someone else drive. But not so these last couple trips. You see, I wanted my parents with me, my car is the "nice" car (the one with a/c), and no one else is allowed to drive said car.

Mom and I went to several different book stores today just because I wanted more books and none of the stores had everything I wanted. I came away with Undead and Unemployed and Undead and Unappreciated by MaryJanice Davidson and Memory of Earth by Orson Scott Card because my copy is from the library. I like every book I've read by Orson Scott Card. I still want Undead and Unwed. Going into bookstores is always a bit unpleasant because I am overtaken by I WANT! Contrary to what you may believe, I don't always get what I want, just most of the time. And anyway, when I do want some material thing, I buy it. But sometimes what I want is for my Mother to drop everything and go to Centerville with me right now and she never tells me no. My dad, on the other hand, does take a little convincing. Im rambling. I have no point. Well, I did have lots of fun making links. I would have bought some more books by P.C. Cast , but I already have all hers. Ill just have to wait till the next one comes out!

Talking about all these books makes me want to read, so I will.

Sarah Jo

Untitled Post

Last night my mother pretended to watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers with me. She laughed at all the appropriate moments. I really appreciated that. I only got about halfway through before I decided it was time to go to be. Needles to say, all day long I'll be singing Bless your Beautiful Hide, Goin Courtin , and Sobbin Women.

Last night I dreamed that I had adopted a baby and then I forgot her in the car when I went to church. Then when I did remember, I couldn't find my car. I was so scared that something would happen to her. Finally, I found the car and she wasn't crying or anything but her hands and face were cold. I wrapped her up and held her close till I woke up.

That would be everything I had to share this morning.

And now a quote from Milly, " Goin courtin, goin courtin, it will set your senses in a whirl!"

Sarah Jo

Monday, July 25, 2005

We aint met yet but I'm a willin to bet, your the gal for me!

My mother managed to start a small fire in the Kitchen today. I found it amusing if not mildly exciting.

Oh yes, Indianapolis was much fun. Iwant to move there, or someplace like it. Every restaurant I could even think of, and some I've never heard of, were all located on one street. Is that not the greatest thing ever? And there were just miles and miles of shopping centers. Starbucks here, there, everywhere, but without the big tall buildings that cities seem to accumulate. We ate at P.F. Changs on Friday. That place is SO good. And on Saturday we at at Fridays (haha) I wasn't so impressed with that but then we got cheesecake from the factory. We spent most of the day in the park on Saturday. It was hot hot hot and full of hundreds of Chinese, Guatemalan?, Russian, and Vietnamese children. I loved it and hated it at the same time. Not an outdoor person but definitely a children person.

Sunday I spent time with my Dad. We went to starbucks in Barnes and Noble and I had my very first Frappacino. I like them. And we also went to Best Buy were I purchased my very own copy of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers and the Rocky Horror Picture show. Dad got How the West was won and I know Im going to be made to watch it soon.

Of course, none of this is very exciting to you. Who wants to hear about what I did all weekend? At any rate, I just wanted to share that this weekend was really great. (Except that roach in the hotel room, but we wont discuss that.)

So, after spending all weekend with other people, I am definitely ready to spend some time alone with a good book. The book of the moment would be The Memory of Earth by Orson Scott Card. Ide love to talk about it but my fingers aren't up to it.

Let me leave you then with a quote from Mr. Howard Keel (playing Adam Pontipee) : Bless your beautiful hide, where ever you may be!

Sarah Jo

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Calling all Goddesseseseses

I just thought you all should know that my favorite author, P.C. Cast has a blog. The end.

Sarah Jo
I thought I wanted someone who would listen to me
you listened
I thought I wanted someone to understande me
You understand me
now I think I want to listen to you

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

My fingers dance upon the keys

Words spoken (or in this case, written) in anger sure seem a lot more severe and dramatic when one cools off. But that's not what I wanted to talk about.

A few nights ago I dreamed that my Grandpa was still alive. In my dream, he was working on an old restaurant (my Grandpa owned a construction company.) I walked in to find him. I heard his voice beyond a doorway. He was cussing about how nobody can kill him, they can try, but he beat the cancer, didn't he? (In real life, Grandpa didn't beat the cancer.) Anyway, I opened the door just in time to see him turning a corner. I followed him, everytime just as he was passing out of sight. I could not catch up to him, could not get him to hear me, when all I wanted was to talk to him, to see him again.

I miss my Grandpa so.

Sarah Jo

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Because you are the only one I can talk to

I had a fight with my mom tonight and I couldn't run away because we were in the car together. As she drove me back to my car I decided that it would probably be a good thing if I just died in a car wreck on the way home. Then she would have to live with the fact that I died while still mad at her. But more importantly, I wouldn't hurt anymore. No one could hurt me if I was dead. Isn't that a terrible, terrible thing to say? And that's how I felt.

Our fight was about something stupid on the surface, but it was really about trust. I don't trust her and she thinks that I should now. How am I supposed to do that? Don't I deserve a lot of reassurance for awhile. And if she didn't have anything to hide, she wouldn't mind showing me whatever it was she had hidden in her hand. Now, of course, I'll never know what was in that hand, except for the lie about it being wheat pennies wrapped in cellophane. If you had a handful of pennies and I asked you what was in your hand, would you hide them? Would you be offended? No, you would probably open your hand and show me the darn things. I think she had pills wrapped in that cellophane. And if she did. . . If she did. . . . What do I do? I cant do it anymore. I just cant do this. I just don't know what to do. I don't trust her, I cant trust her. I just want to go somewhere far away and safe where I wont have to wonder if Mommys abusing drugs again or not. A handful of secrets, that what she had.

Sarah Jo

Thursday, July 14, 2005

My heart beat faster and I was afraid to open my eyes

So I have the internet at home now. On to other things:

At church on Sunday, Chad asked everyone to bow their heads and close their eyes and then he said, "If you know that if you died tonight you would go to heaven, raise your hand." I could'nt raise my hand. I decided I would rather stand there in a room full of people being openly ashamed of myself then standing there in Gods house and lying. I thought for sure someone would forcefully shove me up to the alter where everyone would then lay hands on me and treat me like a new believer and all that. I'm not new to all this. I understand how it works. I've been going to church. I believe in God and I know that Jesus was the son of God and the He died to pay for my sins. I know and believe all this. I just don't feel it. Am I supposed to hear God? Am I supposed to feel His presence?
anyway, I was feeling. . Well, I wrote a poem about what I was feeling:

I don't want to lose control
I won't let you get close
I don't wasn't you in my comfort zone
If you can't touch me
you cannot hurt me
I have thorns on my heart
it is a place to breed fear, unbelief, and doubt
I am a liar
masquerading around as a Christian
when I know,
I don't know for certain
I have no personal relationship with God
and I don't know Jesus
but everything in my longs to
I am not brave
I have not the courage to let them know
it is safer to hide here
and stay away from Church
but I keep hoping
and fearing
that someone will call me out
and rescue me or condemn me
maybe that great rushing feeling would come
and everything would be different
and I would no longer lie
but then,
maybe I would wake up Monday morning
as the same Sarah I have always been
and I would ask myself
what's wrong with that?

Sarah Jo

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Hey Kids

Im at the library AGAIN. Apparently theres something wrong with the phone lines in the new house, but thats not surprising since theres something wrong with everything in the new house. I truly hate it, like a hole in your sock thats just big enough for your toe to go through and then have the circulation cut off and you have no way to fix it because your on a thirteen hour plane ride and dont think your VERY near neighbors would appreciate the smell of your feet. Yes, thats happened to me. Anyway, I just thought Ide take a moment to rant: I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Can I go back home now? No.

Know this, my happiness is partly dependent on my ability to vent, and vent I have not. I feel like a smiling liar, walking around all full of sour milk. Eww, nevermind.

Sarah jo