Thursday, July 14, 2005

My heart beat faster and I was afraid to open my eyes

So I have the internet at home now. On to other things:

At church on Sunday, Chad asked everyone to bow their heads and close their eyes and then he said, "If you know that if you died tonight you would go to heaven, raise your hand." I could'nt raise my hand. I decided I would rather stand there in a room full of people being openly ashamed of myself then standing there in Gods house and lying. I thought for sure someone would forcefully shove me up to the alter where everyone would then lay hands on me and treat me like a new believer and all that. I'm not new to all this. I understand how it works. I've been going to church. I believe in God and I know that Jesus was the son of God and the He died to pay for my sins. I know and believe all this. I just don't feel it. Am I supposed to hear God? Am I supposed to feel His presence?
anyway, I was feeling. . Well, I wrote a poem about what I was feeling:

I don't want to lose control
I won't let you get close
I don't wasn't you in my comfort zone
If you can't touch me
you cannot hurt me
I have thorns on my heart
it is a place to breed fear, unbelief, and doubt
I am a liar
masquerading around as a Christian
when I know,
I don't know for certain
I have no personal relationship with God
and I don't know Jesus
but everything in my longs to
I am not brave
I have not the courage to let them know
it is safer to hide here
and stay away from Church
but I keep hoping
and fearing
that someone will call me out
and rescue me or condemn me
maybe that great rushing feeling would come
and everything would be different
and I would no longer lie
but then,
maybe I would wake up Monday morning
as the same Sarah I have always been
and I would ask myself
what's wrong with that?

Sarah Jo

1 comment:

Ronnie said...

Okay, then. . .Can I be the one to call you out? Everyone feels God in a different way. For me, God is in the rainbow and the sunset. I don't always feel God. But when I do, it is beautiful. I think everyone sees God differently depending on what kind of person they are. For you, I think your connection to God lies in your poetry when you let go of your true feelings and doubts. I think your poetry is your way of talking to God, and that is fine. . .it is a good thing. Just keep praying, and I will pray for you and you will pray for me and as we pray for each other our prayers will be multiplied by a thousand across the walls of Heaven. For it is written when two are gathered in the Lord's name God is amoung them. Of course, I don't know if that means that they have to be in the same room. .. or if they can be a couple of hours apart and united in heart and cause.