Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Oh no!

On the one hand, I think that I need to let go. In my mind, I start snipping the strings that attatch me so completely and merrily skip along in the joy of my decision. This unhealthy thing is finally leaving my life.

In reality, I panic, clutching at the loose threads fraying faster and faster in my fingers. I tie off the ends and pray it all holds together. What am I supposed to do in this vacuum created by my decision. This won't work.

Apparently we can't just get rid of a thing from our lives. There has to be some kind of replacement to take up that space. I have response mechanisms that cannot be neglected until I build new responses. 

When I started eating healthy, I had to stop eating junk food while watching movies on my computer. I couldn't just stop the junk food so I stopped the movie watching too and replaced that free time with gym time. Watching movies here is hard for me because I keep wanted to eat something while I watch because I did that for so long. I haven't seen my favorite shows and I don't really know what the new movies are.

So, please excuse me if I resolve to do something with amazing certainty and then quickly backpedal into my old habits. I can't do anything quickly and I have to have a replacement.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Weight loss blog. Creativity eludes me tonight.

I've been stuck at 96lbs lost for about three weeks now. This happens alot; I stop loosing for awhile and then it starts back up again. It seems a lot more frequent  now. They say it gets harder the closer you get to your goal, but I don't understand why.

If I'm still making a 3,500 calorie deficit I should lose a pound. Why is that harder? I know that means I have to eat even less as my body requires less energy to operate. And I know I have to work out more/harder as my body becomes accustomed to the demands I place on it. Also, is much easier to do the work when I'm not carrying around a 96lb backpack of fat. These are things I can control though. There seems to be this elusive factor X I keep hearing about that just makes it harder. I don't understand.

Because, the more muscle I have, the more calories it burns while sitting idle. And the more active I am, the more likely I am to choose strenuous activities over leisure. The healthy habits I am practicing become ingrained until the idea of going back to the way I was last year makes me feel physically ill. I don't want to eat like that. I don't want to sit around all the time. I don't want to be obese. So, it gets easier all the time to make the healthy choices. This isn't work.

Except, I feel guilty nearly all the time. Food for me becomes this strange relationship based upon pleasure and pain where I know I have to eat it and I do enjoy it but I keep obsessing over what its doing to my body. Feeling hungry feels good, but I know that I have to eat frequently to keep my metabolism pumping along at a good pace. And sometimes I still do stupid things like eat too much or eat the wrong foods and I feel guilty over it for days and days. Food = bad. I hate it. Because food is still our cultural answer to too many questions. What do we celebrate with? What do we do with friends? What do we reward ourselves with? What do we do to be kind to others? 

Finally, finally my self-image is starting to catch up with my body. I do feel smaller. I can see it now in things like the width of my thighs and my peek-a-boo collar bones.  I can sit cross legged in a chair and I can hug my knees. But other things aren't there yet. I don't feel pretty. When will that happen? I still feel uncomfortable when other people touch me like they are going to recoil from the softness of my stomach, the thickness of my calves, or the hanging skin on my arms. Somehow, in my mind, touching me is going to make the horrible reality of what I've done to my body that much more evident. I'm not like those other girls. I don't know if I'll ever be.

I'm really sorry if my horrible self image makes you uncomfortable. I really am trying to work on it. I don't really know how. I don't believe you when you say I'm pretty. I know you keep saying it to me in hopes I'll understand. I only hear that I look better than I did before. I know that. To me its like improving your grade from a F to a D. According to the BMI charts I'm still morbidly obese. So fat that its slowly killing me. After nine months. After 96lbs. 

I'm impatient. I usually want what I've decided I want RIGHT NOW. This has been a long long wait. I'm trying to be optimistic and grateful and positive and put that face on for everyone else but inside is the little girl crying that she's waited so long, can she please be happy now?

And so I wait.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Laundry mishaps.

I was hinging my clothes up after rescuing them from the dryer. I pulled one of my new shirts from the wrinkled pile and realized that it had shrunk. A lot.  I decided to pull it over my head just to see the damage. After all, I would be able to wear it again after a little more weight loss.

It fit. The shirt didn't shrink. I just have this crazy, outdated idea about what my clothes should look like. Apparently, they should look like that. Awesome.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Mmmm. Some harvarti would go nice with this.

I feel guilty nearly all the time. I wonder if this will ever go away. Because before, I didn't care about the choices I was making. Now, I analyze everything I do and even though I make the right choices enough of the time to lose weight, I make the wrong choices sometimes too. And it makes me hate myself.

Logically, I know that I can't be perfect all the time. I understand that life is about finding a balance between the unhealthy decisions and the things I do to make up for them. I know that if I completely forbid myself from going out to eat or having chocolate I will be more likely to completely give up and go back to where I was. I would be miserable.

But feeling guilty all the time is miserable too. I live so much better than I did before and yet I hate myself. I think I'm a lost cause. All I see when I look at me is an inability to handle permanent changes permanently. I talk down to myself. I hate me. I'm a failure.

I know these things aren't true. Look at me, I've lost 95lbs in the last nine months or so. That's an obvious sign of success, right? How do I stop these negative voices in my head? I keep focusing on positive affirmations but as soon as I open my eyes those horrible thoughts swarm back in like so many angry bees. 

And I'm impatient. I'm so ready to be in that body I've been imagining. I revel in the changes I'm seeing now but I'm not happy yet. My stomach shouldn't stick out so far that it actually folds over. My arms shouldn't be covered in flaps of waving skin. My collar bones should be visible. My thighs shouldn't press together like this. My calves shouldn't be so huge. What is this back fat still doing here? But these are private things I deal with on my own. The other-people things bother me more.

I can't climb that tree because I'm still too large and clumsy and it just might bend under my weight anyway. No, please don't pick me up; I'm much heavier than I look. No I don't look sexy when I dance - its all jiggly and awkward and my insecurity is as obvious as my red hair. Of course those boys didn't notice me. I can't shop here, they don't have plus sizes. Oh no no no, that would show WAY too much of my body. I don't know about laying there next to you. I mean, is there enough room? And then when I lay down I feel like my fat just kind of gathers around my face like a skin scarf. Are you seeing this?

Who would I share this with? They would point out that things are much better, right? And sure they are. They most definitely are. I've never been so happy in my life. But I'm so ready for more. I'm so ungrateful. I'm so impatient.

My mother walked up the stairs just now. I told her all of this and a little more. I cried a little. She says, "You must be ready to start your period."

Its so great when my feelings are validated that way.
But I think she's right. Haha.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I'm grateful for:

I'm supposed to write down five things I'm grateful for at the end of every day. I forgot last night, so I'll do it this morning. This is supposed to make me a better person.

  1. I'm grateful that I had to buy new clothes because I've lost weight and the old clothes no longer fit.
  2. I'm grateful that I have a friend like Katelyn willing to spend all day with me and also tell me which clothes to buy.
  3. I'm grateful for new experiences like the tarot reading.
  4. I'm grateful that I have a job and can do things like buy new clothes and go to Nashville.
  5. I'm grateful that when my body is sick, it also has the ability to heal itself. Time and again.