Sunday, April 30, 2006
Saturday, April 29, 2006
It was worse yesterday. I was coming home from the tri-county mall area and I ended up going south on 75 instead of north. I got really upset really quickly. I tried to call home and no one answered. I called five times. I was scared and I felt very alone and I only wanted someone to talk to me. I'm a big girl, I can find my way home okay, and I did. But, I just wanted someone to talk to me and tell me everything was going to be okay but everyone was asleep.
I always get unreasonably nervous when I'm driving at night, and I don't like feeling that way. Its awful.
This reminds me of something else. It was the middle of the day and I come home to find that the breaker has blown. (Is that the correct terminology?) Nothing upstairs works. So, I know I have to go to the basement and flip the little switch thing. I called my mom and asked her to just talk to me while I went down to the basement, because its scary down there. Having her on the phone with me made me feel less frightened. What could she do? If something scary did happen, she could not save me through the phone. Just like in the car, if I really was lost, how could anyone talk me back home? Not very easily. So, I did not need anyone to help me in either of these situations, I just wanted to know that someone was there.
But I'm never alone. God says that He is always with me. I can see now that both those times I should have prayed, because fear is not a spirit of God. And I know that He is the God of comfort, He is the Lord of Peace. I never have to walk alone. But sometimes I just need the voice in my ear because that still small voice in my heart isn't loud enough, or I'm not quiet enough to listen.
And with that, I close.
Friday, April 28, 2006
One hour later: I'm bored and lonely. How does that work?
Thursday, April 27, 2006
It has been a rough week. I was consistently angry/frustrated/upset for about 4 days and I don't know how to handle emotions like that so I went out into the world and put on my best happy face on and tried to ignore the problem as best I could. And I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone, and I knew that talking would not solve anything anyway. Everything is better now, but I'm exhausted.
I finished Judges and Ruth last night and it made me feel really good because it felt like progress. I always feel like I don't read my bible enough, especially when it takes forever to get through a book. But, Ruth was short so I feel accomplished. Or something.
I haven't posted my poetry for awhile. I didn't do it consciously. So why? Suddenly it seems really personal. Whets with the change? That never stopped me before. Am I afraid you will judge me? Yes. Am I afraid you'll think my poetry is terrible? Yes. But, why would that be any different from before? I should post one even though the thought makes me uncomfortable.
I've noticed that no matter what I'm writing, there are recurring themes and phrases everywhere. Everything is connected, like a conversation. I work things out in my poetry. I discuss things with myself. I say things that I'm thinking about all the time, because either people get tired of hearing about them, or I don't tell anyone in the first place. When I take that thought/idea and shape it into a poem, it stops being a thought that haunts me, and becomes something else entirely. Satisfying. Even if no one ever reads it but me. I think I started this paragraph wanting to discuss those themes, because obviously I'm not done with them yet. But no, I can't really do that.
Hmm, I just noticed that I've got a bump behind one ear and not the other. Shouldn't I be symmetrical?
I had my yearly evaluation at work today. It was pleasant. I got a raise.
Okay, now I want to say random things just so I can say them:
- I was just being me, and she said that was special. It makes me feel really good inside.
- It never occurred to me that while I was trying to be more like you, you were tying to be more like me.
- I am more than a little bit jealous and I should not be. Rationalizations don't work with emotions.
- I still love the way you say my name. I don't think I'll ever get over it.
- I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable in groups.
- I really enjoyed staying up too late just to talk to you.
- I hate waking up cold.
that's all folks.
Monday, April 24, 2006
I love that woman.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Then, I drove to Oxford to take my speech and hearing screening. I felt really out of place and confused there.
And now, it looks like a tree exploded on my car. Its covered in bloom things.
I took a nap today and dreamed of taking a nap, and getting interrupted by a phone call. I wake up to find that I missed a phone call. . .
The other day, I made a list of all the things I love about a person and gave the list to said person. That was awesome. We should do that for everyone. Well, maybe not, that might get creepy. Mine wasn't creepy, I assure you.
This hot chocolate is SO good.
Now, where on earth are my parents?
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Today was awesome.
I don't want to be in school anymore.
What do we have, like two weeks? I think I can handle that. I think.
Okay. I'll go now.
Monday, April 17, 2006
My dreams were, in fact, just dreams, darn it.
I totally and completely slept through my classes this morning. Crap.
And that's okay. I guess. I'm feeling that really guilty, I did something wrong feeling. But I can't change it now and. . . I'll go talk to my mom. She always makes me feel better.
I dreamt vivid dreams that seemed to try and answer the questions I've been asking, but only left me feeling disappointed when I woke up. Was it a glimpse of the future, a promise, or just a cruel wish of my imagination, never to play itself out in reality.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Friday, April 14, 2006
On another note, my office was getting REALLY bad. There were no more unoccupied horizontal surfaces to be had. Paper was everywhere. So, my mother and I embark on a serious cleaning project/adventure. And it is clean. But, getting to my point, I found this notebook from way back when (or 2001) containing letters I had written to my future husband. Like most projects I start, I was interested in that for approximately five months before I put it away to collect dust for five years. But then, really, how much can you write to a person you have never met? Anyway, I decided to write another letter today. Maybe it would be nice just to add a letter every once in awhile. Something like:
I'm still waiting for you.
Or something along those lines. Okay, I wrote a lot more than that, but what can I say? ( A LOT, obviously) Oh, and this book has letters from my friends to my future husband. I know it seems kind of silly or strange, but I find it to be so sweet. My love story begins long before we ever meet. . .
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Work was awesome. Denise and Robbie and myself are going for coffee on Saturday. I'm much excited about that, because I very much like those two. And Denise said she might go to church with me on Sunday! I sure hope so. Her daughter is SO cute.
After work, I scheduled my classes for the fall. So, I'm transferring to Oxford. I'm not very excited about that. But, we do what we must, right?
After that, I went to goodwill with the intention of buying supplies for my project and ended up leaving with three pairs of shoes and no supplies. And Nika called me, and that caused more happy than three pairs of shoes could. Then Walmart. I love that store. Saw Robbie there. Actually, he saw me and decided to sneak up on me. He was successful. Apparently, I'm oblivious to everything going on around me.
Tomorrow, I've got that project due, and then I can say, "whew" and do the thing where I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand. But that's tomorrow. Tonight I get to say, "Oh! It's late and I haven't started that project!"
On that note. . .
Monday, April 10, 2006
That was weird.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
And I went to Wednesday night church for the first time. It was definitely different. It was more like a bible study. I really enjoyed it. We were talking about what it means to be holy. Chad gave the example of looking at temptation and saying, "I'm not doing that" and stepping away. And again. And again. "I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. . . " Stepping further and further away. Being set apart. The Greek word for holy is the same as sanctified.
The voices in my head tell me that I'm not good enough, that I'll never be good enough. At anything. All my efforts will fall short of acceptable. But I know that He loves me regardless of how many times I fall. And, in Christ, all things are possible. And His thoughts towards me are many. And, Jesus died to pay for my sins. I do not worship a distant god, but my God lives in my very heart. He knows the thoughts and desires of my heart. He has plans for me. He will lift me up and make me better than I am, more like Him. So, compared to all that, what do the voices in my head matter anyway?
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
And I cried today, but not very much. A hug, a reminder, and laughter fixed me right up.
I fell asleep in computer class yesterday. And then again while trying to watch Soylent Green. By they way, you should never watch Soylent Green.
I feel lonely. I can't get enough of people.
I need a long hug. At least five seconds I'd say.
Happy thoughts now:
- I love my new bible. It is called The Quest: The question and Answer Bible. Or something like that. Anyway, there is much awesomeness to be had inside. There are all kinds of questions and, you guessed it, answers.
- I'm almost finished with Joshua.
- I got my three hugs and then some today.
- Tomorrow is my "short" day.
- I really like this song.
- I was brave today.
- I heard a song on the radio that I had not heard for a long while. It brought back memories of Christopher and I singing at the top of our lungs in my car. Its so fun to do that, especially, to feel comfortable enough around the other person to do that.
- Pineapple-orange smoothies are good.
- The Creator of the Universe, the Source of all things wonderful and good, the King of kings, The God of Jacob, Isaac, and Abraham, loves me.He knows every little thing about me, and loves me.
I think I need some help with a 10th thing.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Me and Matt Hoopes (of the Matt Hoopes Birthday Tour)
Me and Matt, with red-eye
Matt, Jon, Dave, Me, John, Matt
Oh guys, it was so great. How could words do it justice?