It has been a rough week. I was consistently angry/frustrated/upset for about 4 days and I don't know how to handle emotions like that so I went out into the world and put on my best happy face on and tried to ignore the problem as best I could. And I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone, and I knew that talking would not solve anything anyway. Everything is better now, but I'm exhausted.
I finished Judges and Ruth last night and it made me feel really good because it felt like progress. I always feel like I don't read my bible enough, especially when it takes forever to get through a book. But, Ruth was short so I feel accomplished. Or something.
I haven't posted my poetry for awhile. I didn't do it consciously. So why? Suddenly it seems really personal. Whets with the change? That never stopped me before. Am I afraid you will judge me? Yes. Am I afraid you'll think my poetry is terrible? Yes. But, why would that be any different from before? I should post one even though the thought makes me uncomfortable.
I've noticed that no matter what I'm writing, there are recurring themes and phrases everywhere. Everything is connected, like a conversation. I work things out in my poetry. I discuss things with myself. I say things that I'm thinking about all the time, because either people get tired of hearing about them, or I don't tell anyone in the first place. When I take that thought/idea and shape it into a poem, it stops being a thought that haunts me, and becomes something else entirely. Satisfying. Even if no one ever reads it but me. I think I started this paragraph wanting to discuss those themes, because obviously I'm not done with them yet. But no, I can't really do that.
Hmm, I just noticed that I've got a bump behind one ear and not the other. Shouldn't I be symmetrical?
I had my yearly evaluation at work today. It was pleasant. I got a raise.
Okay, now I want to say random things just so I can say them:
- I was just being me, and she said that was special. It makes me feel really good inside.
- It never occurred to me that while I was trying to be more like you, you were tying to be more like me.
- I am more than a little bit jealous and I should not be. Rationalizations don't work with emotions.
- I still love the way you say my name. I don't think I'll ever get over it.
- I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable in groups.
- I really enjoyed staying up too late just to talk to you.
- I hate waking up cold.
that's all folks.