Monday, February 28, 2005

I tried to sleep in, anyway.

I am not the same person I was yesterday. Who I was yesterday never knew what it was like to wake up this morning. People do not change quickly after this or that event, it is an everyday process. There was not a single moment that made me love you, it was a collection of moments, everyone moving me a little closer to the conclusion. If I were to list all the things that make me who I am, I believe I would find that I became everyone of them slowly, through time.

I read a book that communicated this idea to me. One of the characters in the book, Teller, died, but years before her memory had been preserved in such a way that it could talk and think just like she had until that moment. The main character, Samad, spoke to this memory to find comfort in his grief. But it did not comfort him because the woman he loved was different when she died than this memory of a younger version. I do not know how well I can explain this to you, since you have never read the book.

I think this explains why it feels to awkward when you see a friend you have not seen in years. Maybe nothing exciting happened since the last time you saw them, but your life happened. You changed everyday, and so did they, and you did not change together. Or maybe something big did happen, how can you ever explain to someone how that changed you, or would you want to, or do you even know?

Well, I think that is all I will say on that subject.

Onto what my yesterday self didn't experience: This morning, for reasons unknown to me, there was a bottle of old-spice after-shave sitting on top of the entertainment center. No one in this house uses old spice. So, I picked it up out of curiosity. The cap was strange and I wanted to play with it. I opened the bottle and smelled it. It smelled just like friendly old man. I don't know what mean old man smells like, if that's what you were thinking.

I miss grandpa.

I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that my glasses were done and when I went to pick them up, they were the wrong prescription, and I had to get my eyes examined. But, when we went back to the exam room, they just took my blood pressure and then listened to my pulse in my ear. I could feel and hear and see. I usually cant hear. I rarely feel. Hmm.

Well, mom just came home and she brought me lunch.

I love you.

Sarah Jo

Sunday, February 27, 2005

18/f/oh LOL BRB TTYL ect ect ect

I got bored and went into a chatroom. I will never find what Im looking for there.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

It must have been a popular baby name in the 80's.

My brother finds it quite distrurbing that I have liked so many guys named Christopher. Trust me, its totally a coincidence.

And there was a second delay.

Today I was thinking about when my parents called me in China. My mom cried the whole time I was on the phone with her. She told me how much she missed me, how she couldn't wait tilll I got home, ect. But my dad told me that they were making cookies and that later they would go to the store to buy little baskets and tissue paper to put the cookies in to give everyone for Christmas. Talking to my mom made me feel half a world away. Talking to my dad made me feel like I was just at a friends house, spending the night, and I would be home at anytime. I didn't feel so far away, and that was comforting. I cried once just thinking about it. Isn't it funny how much something so simple can mean?

Friday, February 25, 2005

Stupid brothers and arrogant corporations.

Today, I got so mad, I cried. I received a bill from AOL. I don't have AOL. James had signed up and had it billed to me. Furthermore, AOL would not even talk to me because Im not the owner of the account, yet it was okay to bill me.


I need to go take a few deep breaths.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Don't let me down easy
just let me go
I don't need you
to be careful with my heart
right before you break it

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

You look an awful lot like the cube I need, but your just a square, baby.

Thinking back over almost forgotten conversations and reading things I wrote while thinking of you, I wonder, Can this ever be? Is this even worth the energy? I know that for one moment I think all I want is to spend another moment with you, but then in the next moment, I know that you are not the one for me. I find that I am intrigued by the idea of love and not necessarily you. Falling for the fist person to pay attention to me is not what I need to be doing. On the other hand, I am in no position to be picky. But I suppose that just because I want say, a new shirt, and someone says that this shirt is the only one I can have, I do not have to take the shirt, I can be happy without any new shirt at all. This analogy is not working so well.

I'm just trying to tell myself to let go of a thing I never had and to stop reaching for what will never be. This is just a distraction.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Cheeful and nice is the impression I try to give.

I think there should be happy music playing in the background when you think of me.

And I remember midnight birthday cake.

I remember when I first spoke with you. It was kind of awkward and weird at first, but then we kept talking and it got better. I could be so honest with you and not afraid. And everytime I told you something I was afraid to share, you made me glad I said it. You made me feel understood and. . . Valuable. You listened.

And I don't like it when there is so much time between communication. I start to doubt your existence and the validity of the way you make me feel.

I do not know what things will come to pass. I just want to say that even if I never speak to you again, you will always be, in my memory, a good feeling.

Monday, February 21, 2005

I'm just complaining.

I'm not having happy feelings right now because Christopher and I just had a fight.
Let me explain:

So, we have DSL and a second phone line that my brothers and I are responsible for paying. The bill is in my name. It is sixty dollars a month so that is twenty dollars a month for each of us. Christopher has not paid his bill in two months and I could not figure out a way to disconnect him from the internet without disconnecting James, since they share a computer. So, I told James to take the DSL modem with him and hide it when he was not using the internet on Chris' computer. To get to the fight part, I go into Chris' room tonight and the modem is laying there on the floor next to the computer. I tell Christopher to give it to me, but he just puts his foot on it instead. I go to pick it up and he wouldn't move. I told him I would break it before I would let him keep it, I pulled, and it broke. He storms out of the room. The end.

I'm so mad. I could go on for quite some time listing the reasons why. Does he expect me to pay 2/3 of the bill every month? Does that sound fair? And then he says he needs to be connected to the internet so he can do his homework. Well, he can go to the library as far as I'm concerned. Theres no argument now anyway. The modem is broken and he cant use the internet on his computer. If he wants a new modem, we will have to order one and it costs fifty dollars. End of story.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Fleeting Enchantment

I wasn't being honest,
I was just trying to
hurt you
without being so
about it.

you hurt me
or maybe I'm just jealous
when I shouldn't be
when I

have absolutely
no reason to be.
No, you did nothing.
I hurt myself.

ah, meaning
or false ideas
in my head.

I am not patient enough
to wait for
what I think I want.

Most days I want to
give the whole thing up

this doesn't fit in my
five-year plan.

Let me be
candid here
and say
For a moment
all I wanted was

Thursday, February 17, 2005


The scent of
fabric softener
and a hint of
coconut-mango shampoo
follow me out the door
in my click-click "teacher-shoes"

and that smudge on my
left lens
blurs the passenger side
door of my
eggshell, vroom-vroom, 626

I swing my navy-with-black-trim
messenger bag
a little higher on my
right hip
and secure one more red/brown curl
behind my left ear

I smile

(memories of last night
keep me high today,
and not even a
Saturday-morning exam
can dampen my spirits)

I said STOMACH cramps, not uterus cramps, you moron.

My feelings toward Howard have changed. I don't want to spend another minute in his addicting embrace, it just reminds me of the illness I felt there.

I left work early yesterday and I skipped my morning classes today. I do not like it when my body turns against me. I do believe the worst has passed and now I am ready to go out and conquer the world, or at least my night class.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

So then the optometrist asks if my eyes have been dialted yet.

I look like some kind of alien freak. Posted by Hello

A chair and a half.

This is a post from one Tiffanie on Myspace:

"Everyone loves to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God to a christian says: No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreseverdly to Me, with having an intensely personal relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction found, will you be capable of the perfect humant relationship that I have planned for you. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things, keep experiences the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. When you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would dream of. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready (i am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me and thus, the perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and enjoy materialy and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love. Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe it and be satisfied."

And to this I say, "Oh"

On another note, today I had my eye exam and they dialated my eyes and I was much amused. I could not focus on anything near me, everthing was REALLY bright, and my pupils were so large that my iris was barely visible. I tried to observe this in the mirror but trying to focus on something that close was painful and confusing. Later, Ashley and I went to Lazy Boy and I did not realize till after we left that my eyes were still dialated. That salesperson must have thought I was high or something.

Well, my mother and I rented some girly movies and I don't have homework tonight.

Fare thee well,
Sarah Jo

I think I'm going to cry like a girl! Oh wait. . . I am one.

I open the front door to witness James and his boyfriend aggressively making out on the couch.

Me: Well, this is akward.
James: *Stunned Silence*
Boyfriend Person: Ahem.
Me: So. . .

Monday, February 14, 2005

Calloused, grease-stained hands.

Yes my friends, its Valentines Day, not to be confused with Sweethearts Day, of course, because you know, it was completely necessary to have a special day to celebrate love or whatever.

anyway, I spent the evening with the aunts, uncle, and cousins. Today was the first time I have heard Kaitlynn talk. She said "mo" which is baby for "more" and she did our made-up sign language for more as she said it. That child likes to eat. And she also said "Mama". Fun times. Before I left I got a nice open-mouthed, chocolate-flavored kiss. (Insert affectionate comment here.)

Oh my gosh! I ran a red light today! I almost cried. I stopped right after the light. My mind was somewhere else when I ran the light. I was wondering what would happen if the world just stopped spinning and stopped rotating around the sun. Would it fall into the sun? And then if it could just stay in one place, what would it be like to have a world only half-illuminated? I started writing a story about growing up in perpetual light or darkness. And I was really into my little head-story when I realized that that light was red. There is nothing I can do now except make sure it does not happen again.

And the sky is beautiful tonight. I just stood there watching the clouds pass over the moon. It is amazing how clear the sky is in those cloudless patches. I tried my best to imagine myself standing on the edge of the globe, trying to visualize my position verses the sun and the moon. I could not.

All right, I must go study, lest I should whine tomorrow about how hard my tests were.

Sarah Jo

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Phil. 4: 8-9. Please read it.

I am content, comfortable, and happy. I have worries, but as soon as these pass, more will follow. I have fears, but I will not let them take me over. I have doubts, but I am secure in the knowledge that I can love and be loved in return. There will always be obstacles, burdens, and problems, but right now, I know that I can bear each of these and that will help me grow as a person and as a child of God. I will fail, I will succeed, I will have close-calls. I will know sadness, joy, pain, healing, love, hate, guilt, forgiveness, and many, many other things. But for this very moment, I am content, comfortable, and happy. And through all other things, I wish the same for you.

Sarah Jo

Friday, February 11, 2005

Well, a roman troop went ridin' by, and saw them in their "me-oh-my's" so they took them all back home to dry. . .

Hey kids,

I have a headache. I do not get those very often, so I shall complain. I would also like to note for future reference that caffeinated pop = headache. Thanks so much for your time.

Sarah Jo

Thursday, February 10, 2005


Its official, my house hates me. I had typed out this really long post, and just before I hit "Publish Post" the breaker blows, throwing my room into darkness.

I am so not happy right now. And there is no way I can go back and remember all I wrote.


Sarah Jo

*Strangest thing- I posted this and went downstairs for a bit and then the post that was deleted suddenly appeared, so maybe the house hates me but Blogger loves me? I dunno, point is- all is not lost.*

That old guy from Pretty Woman and that singer lady with the BIG butt.

Hold on while I think of something brilliant to say. Well, if you have any other pressing appointments you might want to attend to those first. . .

Last night my mother and I stayed up late talking. I let her read my blog since January 1st. Its funny how different it is to have someone read it right there next to me, instead of someone whose reactions I do not have to see. Some of the time, I was delighted to see her laugh or smile, and at other points, I was terrified she would ask me questions about this or that or ask me to explain further. I felt vulnerable and scared. Isn't that strange? I would not say things if I did not wish to be held accountable to them, it just feels so unreal when there is no face to watch as I tell my story.

I can say things so much better in text, and there were things I wanted her to know, that I could not say the right way, but I had already written them. I was only going to show her those ones I meant, but she wanted to read ones with interesting titles and we ended up just reading them all.

I want to do something not homework this weekend, but I definitely need to write that annotated bibliography by Saturday evening. Hmm. Maybe now would be a great time.

I was just remembering that Christopher told me something interesting the other day. Well, I guess it was interesting. I guess some guy I used to like in elementary school said I should have tried out for American Idol. That's funny and I so never ever would, but I had not thought about this person for. . . well, I don't know, quite some time. It surprised me. Its funny how in fifth grade, you can be anything, and all your friends can be anything. And now, I can see what a couple of them have become so far. Some surprises, some definite disappointments. I could make an allusion to Relient K here, "It breaks my heart to see how much you've changed." Yes, that sums it up exactly. I'm not being very clear here, but my thoughts were very organized to begin with.

I keep thinking about Kaitlynn sitting on my left knee, laughing at me so hard she closes her eyes and flops her head back, looking at me again, and laughing once more. I think we need like, five more babies in the family. Lets see, there will be Payton (okay, I don't know how to spell that) and then Rachels baby. So, we just need Linda and two other people to get pregnant and we'll be good.

Alright well, I am definitely tired of sitting still.

I love you (unless you are some person I do not know, well sure, I love you too.)

Sarah Jo

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Friggin Fortune Cookies

Listening to "Punk Rawk Show" always makes me think of driving in the summertime with Em in my backseat singing at the top of her lungs. "WE AINT GOT NO PLACE TO GO, SO LETS GO TO THE PUNK RAWK SHOW!"

Happy Chinese New Year. Tonight I went out to dinner with the girls, and boy. I loved spending some time with Emilie, Elisabeth and Kaitlynn. Those girls are so wonderful. Emilie is a little ball of energy begging for attention, very affectionate and bouncy, and she has a LOT to say. Elisabeth is very, er, regal is what I want to say. If she likes you at the moment, she REALLY likes you and if she doesnt like you at the current moment . . . good luck. And little Kaitlynn is too young to have much personality yet. She is very friendly and personable. She likes anyone who feeds her and she likes any food she is given. I had not seen her for weeks and she still came to me and laughed with me. I love that baby-laugh, gums showing, double chin forming, eyes closing, head flopping back. And those four teeth. . .

After dinner I went to Waldenbooks, again. The book I orded a few days ago was in. They also had calenders on sale for a dollar so I looked through them. I could not decide between the calender with the fairies on it or the astronomy calender, so I got both and gave one to my mom. Now I can look at the fairies and the stars/planets/galaxies/whathaveyou.

I swear, on the way home I thought of the most awesome title and now I cannot remember it. I knew I would forget it too. Oh well.

I feel all sick and angry and hurt inside and there is nothing I can do to change anything. You cannot make anyone do anything they do not want to do. Tonight Grandma told me she missed me and I just filled up with defensive anger and it was all I could do to keep the smile in my eyes and hug her back. She has never told me she missed me, and I have not seen her any less in the last month than I have every month before. I think she just misses my mother and thinks that I can take her place. I'm not my mother. And secondly, I have been so stressed out over homework and school and work that I have cried over it and then everyone is making jokes about not having seen me for so long, where have I been, why haven't I come over? I do not have very many nights that are free from obligation and I find that I want to spend those night with my mother. She is not the same woman, and I want to get to know this new her. And I cant tell you how many months I spent wanting to get away and now I feel the need to stay and stay and stay. And third, every time I spend time with my extended family, I worry the whole time that someone is going to say something negative about my mother, and I'm telling you now that I would choose her. As much as she has hurt me, she has loved me more.

I just feel so torn in two. I love my grandma, aunts and my cousins very much. More than most people I would imagine. We are a close family. I love my mother very much, and in this last month I have loved her more and grown closer to her than I ever thought possible. And right now, these two groups are at odds with one another, and I just don't know what I am supposed to do. I want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. I just wish for resolution.

Excuse me if I don't enjoy the drama, drama, drama and would prefer to stay home all weekend. It is not without tears that I have done so.

I heart P.C. Cast.

Reading all these romance novels has made me wonder where my knight in shining armor/ centaur/ half-formorian/ merman is. Have you seen him anywhere?

Monday, February 07, 2005

I just killed a spider. . .

all by myself.

Oh my gosh, do you think he had a family?

Sarah Jo

Friday, February 04, 2005

I think I'll leave all three lights on tonight.

Ashley and I went to the movies to see White Noise. I was so scared I had both hands over my mouth. I just love scary movies. Now I need to see Boogeman and Alone in the Dark. Yes, definately.

Mom and Dad are downstairs watching the Grudge. I started up the stairs to do my homework when that scary noise came on. Freaky. I jumped.

Anywho, Its time for me to do my math homework and study now.

I'm tired. Sleepy and "wow it hurts to walk" tired. I worked hard today.

Sarah Jo

Thursday, February 03, 2005


A lady at work the other day said that everyone needs at least three hugs a day. I totally agree.

I waver

It flared inside me
birth and death
in the space of a
half-formed thought
tugging my soul foward
towards you
but no,
my feet remain in place
and the inexplicable
desire to
kiss you
fades with my
quick-drawn breath
(but the goose-bumps
take a moment longer)

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

This is much better.

I was feeling quite uncomfortable with that last post, and I has some serious thoughts about deleting it before anyone read it. I still feel that I did not communicate very clearly and the result is choppy and not quite coherent or well-explained.

If I find in life that I do not meet the standards of those very people that meet mine, I would rather live alone than compromise. I would not sacrifice my. . . aspirations for the future, to stave off loneliness.

Eh, I am still not satisfied.

I would enjoy greatly to begin a relationship with someone because this is something I know nothing about. I want to learn about this and experience it just as fully as the rest of life's experiences. And I dare say, that romantic relationships are highly praised and desired in our culture. And I would honestly say that I hope to be married someday, with children, and a house and everything else you see on Leave it the Beaver.

The fact that I have never gone out with anyone or had a "boyfriend" would be the source of one of my insecurities that leaves me feeling inadequate or not good enough. Is there something wrong with me that the boys like the other girls and not me? I know that I am responsible for not being honest and telling people when I like them and it may very well be that someone might have liked me too, both of us too shy to tell. But, it may also be that no one has ever liked me, or ever will, and I may die wondering what it might have been like to kiss a boy. . .

At any rate, I am only eighteen years old with, presumably, decades of life ahead of me. But you see, am I a dramatic teenager that has not quite yet gotten a handle on her emotions. So, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go make up conversations in my head with all the boys I have ever liked confessing their love for me. . .

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Mom, did you just fa-

I have several things I want to share tonight.

First, on the way home from dinner with my mom (Applebees) I noticed a foul smell. I asked if she could smell it. She could not. Then suddenly, the foul smell got stronger and we realized that it was coming from my car. It smelled like rotten eggs. We stopped at the gas station to check the oil, because that's the only thing we know how to do. We discovered that it needed a quart and a half, and we added that. Well, on the way home again, the smell got even stronger. I made my dad come outside and smell my car and he said it was burning rubber. This is great. Just, wonderful. Well, all right, I can deal. Grandpa is going to come pick up my car tomorrow and try to fix her. Last time something went wrong, there was black smoke coming out of my tailpipe and loud explosions taking place under my hood and that only cost two dollars to fix (spark plug came loose) SO, let us cross our fingers and hope I don't have to empty the savings account to keep her running.

Second, (not chronologically, just in order of importance) on the way to dinner with my mom (Applebees, ha) we were talking about. . . well, love I guess. I told her I wanted to marry an ugly man that was the sweetest guy ever, you know. I'm not quite sure why I said this or what she said next, but we talked about my insecurities as far as relationships and the future. I am scared that I will end up all alone one day, but at the same time, I would rather do that than marry the first guy who pays any attention to me. Do you know what I mean? I'll explain further. My mother married my father because she got pregnant. They have been struggling financially ever since then. I would choose financial stability over love. There, I said it. I will not relive my childhood again. I have lived in a hotel because my parents could not afford to pay rent anywhere. I have had all my possessions in a storage garage somewhere. I have moved out of my parents house because they did not have water for three months. I'm not quite sure where I was going with this. Oh yes, I know that I can be and do anything I want to be. I can make a great future for myself where I will never know poverty. I will not, however, drop all of my plans for someone who says he loves me. (This is a really long paragraph, isn't it?) I have seen so many women drop out of college to get married or to pay some guys way through school or what have you. If I had a point, I lost it. (I just got distracted.)


Another concern of mine: I am afraid that the kind of guy that would want a relationship with me is not the kind of guy I would want a relationship with. What if my standards are too high? Like, first of all, he has to be a Christian. And not, "Yeah, I'm a Christian, I just get drunk on the weekends and I only have sex with girls I really like." He's got to be, "Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior and I have a personal relationship with God" How could I have a relationship with a person that did not share my most sacred belief? And anyway, being a Christian (and I hate that word) covers more than just my religion, it also represents my personal morals, ethics, and values. And my other major thing is that he has to be smart. And I do not mean genius or something. I mean, he knows what a book looks like and can have conversations with me on topics other than the t.v. or the weather. I love to learn and I want to share my life with someone who shares that passion with me.

So, to conclude, I would rather spend the rest of my life alone with my two Chinese babies paying a mortgage by myself then spend everynight in the trailer we are renting with Cletus who is, by the way, the best cook Burger King has ever seen.