Wednesday, February 02, 2005

This is much better.

I was feeling quite uncomfortable with that last post, and I has some serious thoughts about deleting it before anyone read it. I still feel that I did not communicate very clearly and the result is choppy and not quite coherent or well-explained.

If I find in life that I do not meet the standards of those very people that meet mine, I would rather live alone than compromise. I would not sacrifice my. . . aspirations for the future, to stave off loneliness.

Eh, I am still not satisfied.

I would enjoy greatly to begin a relationship with someone because this is something I know nothing about. I want to learn about this and experience it just as fully as the rest of life's experiences. And I dare say, that romantic relationships are highly praised and desired in our culture. And I would honestly say that I hope to be married someday, with children, and a house and everything else you see on Leave it the Beaver.

The fact that I have never gone out with anyone or had a "boyfriend" would be the source of one of my insecurities that leaves me feeling inadequate or not good enough. Is there something wrong with me that the boys like the other girls and not me? I know that I am responsible for not being honest and telling people when I like them and it may very well be that someone might have liked me too, both of us too shy to tell. But, it may also be that no one has ever liked me, or ever will, and I may die wondering what it might have been like to kiss a boy. . .

At any rate, I am only eighteen years old with, presumably, decades of life ahead of me. But you see, am I a dramatic teenager that has not quite yet gotten a handle on her emotions. So, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go make up conversations in my head with all the boys I have ever liked confessing their love for me. . .

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