Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Friggin Fortune Cookies

Listening to "Punk Rawk Show" always makes me think of driving in the summertime with Em in my backseat singing at the top of her lungs. "WE AINT GOT NO PLACE TO GO, SO LETS GO TO THE PUNK RAWK SHOW!"

Happy Chinese New Year. Tonight I went out to dinner with the girls, and boy. I loved spending some time with Emilie, Elisabeth and Kaitlynn. Those girls are so wonderful. Emilie is a little ball of energy begging for attention, very affectionate and bouncy, and she has a LOT to say. Elisabeth is very, er, regal is what I want to say. If she likes you at the moment, she REALLY likes you and if she doesnt like you at the current moment . . . good luck. And little Kaitlynn is too young to have much personality yet. She is very friendly and personable. She likes anyone who feeds her and she likes any food she is given. I had not seen her for weeks and she still came to me and laughed with me. I love that baby-laugh, gums showing, double chin forming, eyes closing, head flopping back. And those four teeth. . .

After dinner I went to Waldenbooks, again. The book I orded a few days ago was in. They also had calenders on sale for a dollar so I looked through them. I could not decide between the calender with the fairies on it or the astronomy calender, so I got both and gave one to my mom. Now I can look at the fairies and the stars/planets/galaxies/whathaveyou.

I swear, on the way home I thought of the most awesome title and now I cannot remember it. I knew I would forget it too. Oh well.

I feel all sick and angry and hurt inside and there is nothing I can do to change anything. You cannot make anyone do anything they do not want to do. Tonight Grandma told me she missed me and I just filled up with defensive anger and it was all I could do to keep the smile in my eyes and hug her back. She has never told me she missed me, and I have not seen her any less in the last month than I have every month before. I think she just misses my mother and thinks that I can take her place. I'm not my mother. And secondly, I have been so stressed out over homework and school and work that I have cried over it and then everyone is making jokes about not having seen me for so long, where have I been, why haven't I come over? I do not have very many nights that are free from obligation and I find that I want to spend those night with my mother. She is not the same woman, and I want to get to know this new her. And I cant tell you how many months I spent wanting to get away and now I feel the need to stay and stay and stay. And third, every time I spend time with my extended family, I worry the whole time that someone is going to say something negative about my mother, and I'm telling you now that I would choose her. As much as she has hurt me, she has loved me more.

I just feel so torn in two. I love my grandma, aunts and my cousins very much. More than most people I would imagine. We are a close family. I love my mother very much, and in this last month I have loved her more and grown closer to her than I ever thought possible. And right now, these two groups are at odds with one another, and I just don't know what I am supposed to do. I want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. I just wish for resolution.

Excuse me if I don't enjoy the drama, drama, drama and would prefer to stay home all weekend. It is not without tears that I have done so.

No comments: