Monday, January 31, 2005

My January Love Song

Pause on my doorstep,
sweet Winter,
as the nights moon
kisses me
full on the lips.

I will sing you
liquid moon beams
from my lovers
glistening embrace.

Our company will be jovial
Orion, Andromeda,
and Cassiopeia.

But none could contend
with your power to
bosom my breath
and leave even the roads
feeling so

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Can you believe Taylor Hanson got married? He was supposed to marry me!

Just listening to some Hanson. Makes me feel like, eleven again.

"Just look at you, look at you baby!"

Ahem. I mean, I was just going to bed and I tripped, and suddenly the Hanson cd fell into my computer and windows media player accidentally opened up and started playing it and I forgot to turn it off. . . .

(for a moment)

Maybe I am nothing but
and a
determination to be better.
Maybe I am measured by
the difference between
my need
and what I have to give.
Maybe I am made of
the fears that paralyze me
and those I have had the courage
to conquer.
Maybe my tomorrow
is irrevocably affected by
Maybe I am inconsistent
and timid
and weak.
But I know
you said
you love me anyway.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

I went out on a date. . .

with my mom.

Don't you wish you were super-cool like me?

Sarah Jo

Friday, January 28, 2005

Get your foot off my ear!

It has been years since that summer when I would sing Sister Hazel at the top of my lungs. Just hearing that one song again brings back the joy and carelessness of it all. Let me embrace this feeling for a moment.

Sometimes, or rather, recently, I feel wound up so tight. I have so many things to do, and I just. . . I just want to do what I want to do and not what I have to do. And I am waiting for things to happen and dreading others. I am joyful at seeing this person and mournful at the absence of another.

I am SO proud of my mother. Let me just say that. I am SO very happy with her. This last month has been the best month I have spent with her. I finally feel. . . loved. I mean, I know she loved me before, but she hurt me so much. She would pick her drugs over me everytime and it made me feel so inadequate. Nothing I could do would make her choose me. And now, well now she is choosing the family. And I see her cry, and I know how hard it is for her, but she just smiles at me through the tears and tells me how sorry she is. And I cannot say how much I needed to hear that. I tried to talk to her for so long, I tried over and over again to make her see. She would not listen. So I just distanced myself from her and I got mad. I was mad at her for every little thing she did, and I tried to hurt her like she hurt me. But now it is so much better. She loves me and she needs me and she sees me. I do not have to shout anymore, I can whisper.

And all this last month, I trust her more, and I tell her more. I am moving closer to her. I am giving her my heart again. And I am terrified that she will go back to the pain pills again. I am terrified that she will hurt me again. She has not lied to me or stolen from me all month.

Its funny how you can want to talk about something for so long and then not find the words for it.

I heard a new song today and I liked it.

"Love" - Kids in the Way

Love, is it all that you want.
Is it everything you hope for.
Love, is it more than the word that you use when you look at her.
Love, it will push you around.
It will make you a poor man.
Change your picture of heaven, heaven.
Love, it will make you a man.
It will make you a child again.
Love, does it keep you awake.
Does it change everything you see.
Love, is it worth what you give.
Is it everything you need.Love.
Love, is it all that you want.
Is it everything you've worked for.
Love, is it wearing you

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Reasons why washing your car in the winter is a bad idea:

I am just avoiding my homework again. I suppose I shouldnt. The longer I procrastinate, the fewer hours I get to sleep. I just wanted to talk to someone.

My car is sitting in the parking lot at fashion bug because the locks are frozen shut. Ashley is taking me to class and my grandpa is picking me up. It feels like not having a car all over again. I'm just saying that those darn locks better open in the morning, or else.

Because there isn't enough room for my books here.

Just getting ready to go to work. I did not get as much homework done as I had planned. I got sidetracked by cleaning my room. It's not that it was messy, its just I had a pile of clothes to hang up and a pile of papers to sort and all kinds of little things I have been meaning to do, you know. Anyway, I cleared out a space to put the desk my dad is going to buy me, as soon as I talk him into it, that is. Its this one, and it matches the one I already have, so I could have a whole office center. Coolness. Now I have to go.

Sarah jo

Yay for cool buttons

I learned a new trick!  Posted by Hello

And that nap was SO nice.

I just finished a serious mound of homework, and no I am not done. But now, I know all about the Galilean moons of Jupiter and what a full moon looks like through binoculars in late January. So now I only have half a dozen things to do before work tomorrow. . .

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Is he saying "be my skank?"

You know whats awesome? Well, whenever I drive my mom around (because obviously, I AM a taxi driver) I listen to Relient K. Anyway, to get to the awesome part, today she starts singing "Be my escape" and "Let it all out" I told here I was going to take her to a concert with me, and she said she would like that. Woot. One more convert, 300 million more to go.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Random blogs, you say. Beginnings, I say.

I was just reading some random persons blog, and he said he wanted more than anything to be in love. What a thing to say. I might sometimes say that I feel the same way, but I know that I have no idea what it is to be in love. It is foreign to me. I suppose that would be one of the reasons it is so appealing. Or perhaps that could be blamed on a century's worth of love song, poems, movies.

But no, love is not the thing I long for. Relient K said it so well, as stupid as that sounds. We all want to be known, and so we think, if we are in love, that person must know us, right? I don't think anyone could ever know you completely. We will all be forever misunderstood. But I can quote, "You're the only one who understands completely. You're the only one who knows me yet still loves me completely." that's it, isn't it? I long not for something a man can give me, I long for a closer relationship with God.

Someone asked me once if I ever feel empty inside. I told him yes. He said he heard somewhere that that was the deepest part of you longing for death, to be closer to God. I do not wish to die. I asked him what he thinks happens when you die. He said he thought it would be different for each of us, a tailored experience to meet our own needs. I thought that was beautiful, but I do not wish to die. I have not heard from him in quite some time. I worry. I'm worried.

Now I've gone and lost my train of thought. Please be safe and happy. I came back safe, now its your turn.

Well, I just can't go any further from here.

Sarah Jo

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Even having stared into them,

I have forgotten the color of your eyes.

Be my escape.

Sometimes I wonder if I have made the wrong choices. What would have happened if I had. . . Could I have been happy then? I can never know the answer to this question. True, I could still change my mind, do it, and see what happens, but I'm so comfortable here. Sure, sometimes I feel like I definitely should have done the other thing, but then there are the moments that make it all worth while, perhaps.

I have known great happiness and great sadness. I am filled with gladness and regret. I am content and restless.

And I feel stretched into two directions. I get distracted by the long-term and the temporary. I don't focus on the one I should at the appropriate times.

And I'm trying with all I have to be a woman, and I keep proving myself a child.

Friday, January 21, 2005

And then a snow plow came by, and covered it all back up.

So, I did my essay thingy today. Now, I get to wait and wait and wait, oh, and fill out a lot more paper work, cus thats always fun.

Today my mother and I shoveled the sidewalk in front of our house. That my friend, is hard work.

I managed not to do any homework yesterday or today thus far. This is creating a heavy, guilty, foreboding feeling, but I think I'll ignore that for now and go get in the shower.

Oh, and I was mucho grumpy this morning because I had to wake up early and take James to court.
And. . . mom helped me give my car a quick sprucing up today, because the layer of dust on my dashboard was getting quite disgusting. Im just going to tell myself that the dust was from it sitting for two weeks while I was in china, and not because I haven't cleaned it for months and months. I cannot really clean the outside because it is supposed to snow again tonight, and I would be pretty mad if I got it all clean and then it became covered in salt tomorrow. And also, my doors would probably freeze shut due to the insane leakage. But, enough about my car and such.

I shall take a shower and then fill out my school paperwork and NOT read Harry Potter. You don't believe me, do you? That's okay, I don't believe me either.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Greatest Hits of the Middle Ages

I met with my counselor today, to have her sign my cohort application. Upon arriving in her office she tells me that she has no idea where I got my application, its the wrong one, here's the right one, come back next week with it filled out, and oh, by the way, write this essay too. Thanks so much.

And. . . my EDL 204 class was canceled for the day. That was nice.
And. . . I know have to use a flashlight to go to the restroom because the hall light has expired, and I refuse to walk across the ten-foot expanse of darkness. I had hoped that by stealing my parents flashlight, they would get the idea and change the light bulb, but apparently not. On a lighter note, it is one of those big, long, heavy, metal flashlights that police men carry. I think I shall steal it when I move out. It would become quite useful in banging over the head of intruders or something (cus you know I would totally have a good angle when cowering in the closet floor.)

Jenelle gave me a purple and pink afghan (sp?) for Christmas and it has my name on it and it matches my bedspread! (Please excuse my use of run-on sentences, bad spelling, and general shallowness)

Ah, tomorrow is full of things I must do, so I shall depart from you. I hope I accomplish all I have planned, I must go, please understand.

Sarah Jo

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Begin by constructing a demographic breakdown of . . .

I have so much homework, I cried. I spent nearly all day yesterday doing homework. It was at least five hours. Is it done? No, of course not. So, if you'll excuse me, I've got three essays to write, two projects to do, math problems. . .

Sarah Jo

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Because Rachel says so. . .

The game:
[01] Reply with your name and I will write something about you
[02] I will then tell what song[s] remind me of you.
[03] Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise.
[04] Last, i will try to name a single word that best describes you.
[05] Put this in your journal

Monday, January 17, 2005

Camptown Ladies sing this song, Doo Da, Doo Da

Work today was fun, and then we had another one of those spontaneous parties, this time at Joanies house. It was fun. We had chili and played cards. I would have to say my favorite part of the evening was getting to hold the girls. Not all at the same time of course, but in their proper order. First, Emilie came running to me. She was upset because Ben was teasing her, so we hid in the bedroom and played. Then, Elisabeth woke up and joined us. She was cute in the mismatched clothes she picked out for herself. Finally, Kaitlynn, eating ice cream with me and bending over backwards to give me kisses. I love those girls with all I am.

After cards, Ashley and I went to Walmart. And if there is such thing as a trip to Walmart without fun times, I haven't experienced it. I purchased king size pillows. I am very happy now. My bed looks even better than before, if you can imagine that.

And now, I am happy and comfortable, with good company. I can think of no better way to be.

Sarah Jo

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Dear Diary, I have such a crush on. . . *rolls eyes*

Last night, I found a diary of mine from sophomore year. I was amused and disgusted at the same time. It is funny how I think myself so grown up, yet I let the same insecurities define my actions. To be sure, I go about it in a much better fashion, but its the same cake with different icing. The thing is, I don't know how to get past it, and even if I do, will I find something else to pick over after that?

On another note, I found my favorite shampoo at the hair-cut place in the mall. This made me very happy, because the ladies at Great Clips told me it could only be purchased at the beauty supply store with a beauticians license, and that did not make me happy. Alas, I have what I sought after and my hair will smell of coconut mango.

In other trivial news, I have been unsuccessful in my search for sheets to match my duvet cover. Classic white will have to do.

Why does Launchcast keep playing comedy? I keep skipping it, one would think it would get the point.

My dad bought me Orange Pineapple Juice today. Yum. And Yoplait whips. What more could a girl ask for (from the grocery)?

I dropped one of my classes. I am feeling overwhelmed already. But I can handle my classes. I have dealt with worse things than homework and projects. I am made of tougher stuff than a pile of paperwork could destroy. (But I dropped that one class, you know, just in case.)

I have the strongest urge to hide away in my house with my mom and dad and pretend the world melted away. Maybe Rachel was right, maybe I should marry a lumber jack and move to the mountains and start a maple syrup company. The world could melt away then, as long as there were enough people left to buy my maple syrup. (And it wouldn't hurt if that lumber jack was a lot like Howard Keel in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.)

Ahem, right. I was going to read Harry Potter next. I'm now reading The Order of the Phoenix. After this, I may attack the LOTR books I got for Christmas. That, or my robot city books, I'll decide later.

So anyway. . .

Sarah Jo

Friday, January 14, 2005

"I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change"

For my brothers: the fact that you can cuss, hit, do drugs, and have sex, does not mean you are an adult. Being an adult includes, but is not limited to, knowing that you can do these things but abstaining from them. Something else I would include as criteria would be taking responsibility for your actions and realizing that they have an effect on more people than just yourself. I love you, now please grow up.

For my mother: I am very proud of what you are doing. I believe you and I believe in you. I will support you for as long as you are trying because I love you beyond measure. But, if you fall back into your old ways, I do not know if I could ever trust you again. I am going out on a limb here, please don't knock me off. Please don't hurt me anymore. Please let me know that I am more important to you than your addiction. I love you.

To everyone else in the family: I do not want to hear anything negative you have to say about my mother. I live with her, I have seen her at her worst and at her best. I do not need you to remind me about all of the mistakes my mother has made. I know she has hurt you, but when you tell me about it, you make me feel responsible and I don't like it. I have no control over the actions of any other human being. I love my mother very much, and I also love you, don't make me choose sides. I believe that she is making an honest effort to change, and she needs support in that.

Now can we please talk about something else?

Sarah Jo

Thursday, January 13, 2005

I'm not mad at you, I'm not mad at them, I just hurt.

I don't know that I can hold all of this hurt inside of me. I have been so strong, I have played the parent for so long. This burden I cannot bear. Oh, to be a child again, to have someone comfort me, instead of me comforting them. I looked into her face today and saw the woman who raised me, and cared for me, and protected me. But then, in an instant, she was the woman that needed holding up, the woman that needed me to say I believe in her.

I feel like I'm being torn in two and all I want to do is hide.
The future teeters before me, infused with hope-filled dreams, but for all I know, it will crash upon me tomorrow.
Alone in my room again, as always.
I'm so very tired of this,
she promised it would be the last time I would cry because of her.
Oh, how I want those words to be true.

I love you, I love you, I love you, please stop hurting me.

(It's broken, but its yours.)
Sarah Jo

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Meine Ruh' ist hin, Mein Herz ist schwer

I just finished my reading homework for Great Ideas In Western Music. Well, I didn't finish the homework, that is, I just stopped reading. I don't know anything about reading music and here this book is trying to spring it all on me in six pages. Bass note, clef note, half steps, octave, dissonance, monophony, harmony, melody, texture. . . um, what was that again? My head hurts.

And now, I can't wait to finish Goblet of Fire, because I am oh so close to the end. I had to stop reading right before work, and then I wouldn't let myself start reading again until I did some homework. Well, I did some homework and now its late at night and I must get up early. Should I abandon Howard for Harry? Oh, indecition haunts me. Well, I know one thing, Jada Anah is winning so far. So, lets not have that.

Goodnight my dear,
(It's still yours)

Sarah Jo

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Dear Lord (and whoever else is listening.)

Ah, self-meditation, I have not visited here for quite some time. Its amazing how I can smile so honestly and hurt so deeply at the same time. Or maybe it would just be teenage drama inflating a molehill. Still, any perspective would be clouded by bias. I shall not burden you with mine.

For some time I have been writing in this, filtering what I said for who I thought might be reading. I will do this no longer, at least not right now. If anywhere, here I should be able to say what I will.

Deep thinking sparked by a conversation, not the first time either. If I could just pinpoint the emotion that makes my ears burn and my cheeks flush. . . Is it fear? Willing my fingers to move in time with my thoughts is becoming quite difficult. How much am I willing to share? It is much easier to write of trivial things than of solid/true things.

I had been feeling so dead, like the surface of a lake not touched by a single ripple. I had much rather toss and roar in a storm than hide dangerous secrets beneath an inky surface, lest my heart grow cold.

And in my teenage desire and fear to place my heart in someone else's hands, I hadn't realized that I wasn't ready for that. (I railed against you, screamed, cried, and fought, and all the while you already knew. Silly child, cannot see beyond today.)

I resolve then, to trust in you. I have given my heart to you so many times, just to wrench it back at the fist thought of. . . but today, it shall be yours again. "When I got tired of running from you . . . "

Dissonant thoughts, but I am used to this current. Sweep me away in your melody.

Isnt it like, the most beautiful thing you have ever beheld? Posted by Hello

His name is Howard and he is wearing pink polka-dots.

So, today I have laughed out loud while in the room by myself, read Harry Potter, invited two people to come into my room to view my bedspread, watched a musical, and belted out a really old Hanson song.

Just give up my friends, there is no hope for me.

Monday, January 10, 2005

I just thought it was pretty Posted by Hello

I just wanted to say that I really. . . that I. . . I . . .

Well, I was feeling quite happy until I started thinking about doing the thing that I want to do, but am terrified of doing.


If only I knew.

Sarah Jo

Sunday, January 09, 2005

And I quote, "Dad! Guess what I found out in the bathroom?"

Do you ever wonder what might have been? If you could just talk to that person once more and. . .

But it is strange to feel how time can drive a wedge between two people.

And I wish I had the courage to say now, what I will regret not saying later. But alas, I do not have it.

Let me just say for now, that if we ask that question later, we will find the answer to be sorely disappointing.
Your imagination if far grander then reality.

With that, I close.

Sarah Jo

Friday, January 07, 2005

I read Harry Potter like, ALL day.

This evening I christened my bed "Howard" and my computer "Jada Anah"

Other than that, I will complain about working a gazillion hours in the next few days. As follows:

Saturday: 3-9
Sunday: 2:30 - 12:00
Monday: 9:30 - 5

Can life survive these tribulations? I know not. We shall see.

School Starts Tuesday!


Sarah Jo

Thursday, January 06, 2005

So naturally, I gave the chicken C.P.R. . . .

In the year 2005 I resolve to:

Wear my underwear outside my pants.

Get your resolution here

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

smile Posted by Hello

I love you

the end.

Sarah Jo

You know, that one guy with the hair.

Last night I dreamt I was scared and alone with no one to turn to. There was no one to help me when I needed help. Oh, it was despair.

One a lighter note, at this very moment I am listening to a song I have not heard for a long while. Its like the notes are washing emotion over me. Mmm

I just LOVE yoplait whips. Just in case you cared or something.

Sarah Jo

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

100 washes and still chugging

My favorite jeans were once the darkest blue
but have since faded to a shade of
washed-out gray
and they used to be
half an inch longer
and hemmed at the bottom
but, my favorite jeans
are still made of
with patch pockets
and copper contrast stitching
(why, they would not be
my favorite jeans
without them.)

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Thanks Rachel and Katy. Thank you SO much. Posted by Hello

238 degrees - The "soft ball" stage.

I made fudge today! And it turned out right. Now, that my friend, is amazing.

This would be my corset. I put it on, uh, two days ago? Anyway, it makes me happy. This is the front. Posted by Hello

Just thought I would share. Posted by Hello

Hugs like a drug.

Yesterday Rachel and Katy visited me at work. They made me a "Sarah Jo" label on Rachels labelmaker to put on my I.D. badge thingy. They also brought me camels, elephants, a pineapple, and an extra set of hands, fingernails painted and all (you know, just in case.)

Then I went to our family New Years day party. I like them very much. I got to play with Emilie and Elisabeth for a bit. Kaitlynn just kind of watched me suspiciously. I'll win her over, one day she will love me.

The drive home was awfully scary. The fog was so thick out in the country, I thought I shouldn't be able to breathe. I kept involuntarily trying to look around my glasses like I do when they become fogged up, but the problem was not with my glasses. I felt claustrophobic and nervous. I just drove really slow.

I found some new Relient K obsessed friends last night.
And I had a dream my teeth fell out.

Mmm, Mamaw is making those super-awesome mashed potatoes today. I have to go get dressed now.

Sarah Jo