Sunday, October 31, 2004

I can see the scars on the moon.

If I could just make up my mind, this whole thing would be so much easier. I suppose I do not have to decide between one or the other if I never really get one or the other in the first place. I pretend to be so bold, and really, I am not. I should just tell you instead of making up these scenarios in my head of your would-be reactions. Ah, I am so prolific in my words, and barren in my actions. I never do what I ought. It is much easier to live in fiction and fantasies. I will place us together in my head. You will be there, just across the table from me, and we will talk together. I will tell you all the things I do not tell you and you will listen. Then, what do you say? I make up your response according to who I think you are. I could never guess what you might say next, never ever. I want to be like that. I want to have you leaning in toward me so you never miss a word. I want to captivate you with my sparkling originality, dazzle you with my ingenious comprehension of this or that.

Relient K said in their book, that all girls (and guys for that matter) want three things: To be known, to be accepted, and to be loved. This statement is true as far as I am concerned. But they also said that no person can give these things to you all the time, because people are not perfect. God offers these things. I will not go any further than that, because I am writing for my own benefit, and not yours. This is all I needed to hear/read.

It is amazing how low homework can fall on my priority list.

Saturday, October 30, 2004

You know whats funny? My mom trying to cuss in Pig Latin.

If I were a month, I'd be: January or October
If I were a day of the week, I'd be: Sunday
If I were a time of day, I'd be: 3 pm
I were a planet, I'd be: orbiting alpha centauri
If I were a sea animal, I'd be: an oyster
If I were a direction, I'd be: Northeast
If I were a piece of furniture, I'd be: a bookcase
If I were a sin, I'd be: gluttony
If I were a historical figure, I'd be: Emily Dickinson or Robert Frost
If I were a liquid, I'd be: hot chocolate
If I were a tree, I'd be a: Bamboo
If I were a bird, I'd be a: Emu
If I were a tool, I'd be: leveler
If I were a flower/plant, I'd be: mini bonsai tree
If I were a kind of weather, I'd be: windy
If I were a mythical creature, I'd be a: mermaid or centaur
If I were a musical instrument,I'd be: a recorder
If I were an animal, I'd be a: Human
If I were a color, I'd be: sepia
If I were an emotion, I'd be: content
If I were an element, I'd be: oxygen
If I were a car, I'd be: a hybrid
If I were a song, I'd be: by Relient K, probobly Am I understood?
If I were a movie, I'd be: one of those too long boring english films
If I were a book, I'd be: The little lame prince
If I were a food, I'd be: Potato Soup
If I were a place, I'd be: The Library
If I were a material, I'd be: Fleece
If I were a taste, I'd be: sweet
If I were a scent, I'd be: sandlewood
If I were a religion, I'd be: forgotten
If I were a word, I'd be: overunderestimation
If I were an object, I'd be a: thermostat
If I were a body part, I'd be a: mouth
If I were a subject in school, I'd be: english
If I were a facial expression, I'd be: a smile
If I were a cartoon character, I'd be: Lisa Simpson
If I were a shape, I'd be: a hypercube
If I were a number, I'd be: the square root of pi factorial

Friday, October 29, 2004

Bubble Bath Pirates

We got new pictures of the baby again! Can you believe it? You must be screaming your pants off with joy right now, I know. Well, I am happy about it anyway. Excitement and stuff.

Oh and I so couldn't remember how to write in cursive so I had to print out one of those tracing sheets for myself. Ba haha. Well, too bad I cant demonstrate my renewed cursive writing abilities.

And I believe that was all the news I had to share with you today.

Maybe on a more personal note, I am teeming (what an awesome word by the way) with excitement and anticipation of all kinds of things. You know what word I don't like? The word "anxious" because people use it wrong all the time. They say they are anxious for school to be over or for vacation or Friday or something. Except anxious actually means "causing or fraught with or showing anxiety" or "mentally upset over possible misfortune or danger etc; worried" So obviously, one is not anxious for summer vacation.
I also do not like the word "aint" Elisabeth said it today. I corrected her and then I told her mother that, since I will be a teacher, I will correct every grammatical error Elisabeth makes when she speaks because 1.) I cringe everytime someone speaks incorrectly 2.) I love her and do not wish for her to sound anything less than brilliant (which she is)

Go on with you, stop looking for errors in my blog. This is not a term paper or something. Go away. Now.

We don't like what we don't understand, in fact it scares us.

- Violent Mob in Disneys Beauty and The Beast.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Ven aca y besa me.

How is it that, the moment I begin to doubt, you reassure me? How is it that, you see my every word as poetry? How is it that, you make me feel so beautiful? Your every action is at just the right time. And you make my skin feel like a seperate being, apart from me, and crawling with happiness. Your words speak volumes and to my soul.

That Yellow Marker Smells Like the Sun.

We made pop in science class today. It was mucho fun. How did we make pop you say? By putting dry ice in kool aid. It bubbled like it was boiling except that the bubbles were full of grey fog and they popped and the fog spilled over the cup and out onto the table. It was very halloweeny. And then we made ice cream. And my professors did all sorts of cheap science tricks to make us go "oooh" and "ahhhh" It was great.

The End.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

What Defines the essence of a human being comes from the inside-out. - Dr. Phil

I enjoyed my very first ride on the public busing system yesterday. Ashley Clay and I decided to do that just for the entertainment of it all. We went to the library. Apparently, trips take a LOT longer when using the bus as your mode of transportation. It was great. Then, we went out to dinner at Frisches, however its spelled. Then, we went to her house where she dyed her hair maroon and we both wathced Drop Dead Fred.

Today, I had a very lazy day indeed. I came home to a completely emptly house. Awesome. I made myself lunch and I colored on the big felty-thingy that I got at K-mart. I colored Belle, which then gave me the desire to watch Beauty and the Beast, which I did. Then, I went upstairs and played around on the internet till noon, when I decided to take a nap. Later, after other things happened ( I just noticed that some of this is out of order (for instance: the movie came after the nap.)) Ashley Jelonek called and I went out to dinner with her at La Pinata. That was fun. And we talked and talked and talked and . . . Awesome.

At no point in the last two days did I do any homework what so ever. Yeah.

But, who cares, really?

And tomorrow is Dress up day at school and I am so being a pioneer girl. You betcha. Bonnet, shift, petticoat, petticoat, apron, shortgown and all. But I veto the stockings, those stupid things. I just hate them.

Well, I should get to the, as plus or minus Sarah says, h to the w. Heh.


Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Twenty One Over Pi Hiccups in a Broken Bottle

We got new pictures of Kaitlynn Ann yesterday! Twelve of them! Wowness. Yep, thats all.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Looking at yourself in a spoon.

Ashley and I saw the movie, Grudge, tonight. I liked it. I thought during the movie, this would be nice to watch with a boyfriend whose arm I could grab during the scary parts, but alas, I do not have one. I am too much of a. . . for lack of a better word- scardy cat.

Anyway, and it was fun attacking that chair with the batting and staple gun.
And it was awesome to see all my family at work today.
I have a terrible longing for Michigan.
I am too preoccupied with stuff.

Seems like there was something I was going to say. Maybe I should freewrite and it will come out:

I want to write a poem about anything, something beautiful so then you will think I am beautiful too. Maybe for lack of insecurity I would find other problems to dwell on. I don't even know what I want with you. I don't think I would be happy if I had everything I ever wanted. Right now I want some mint chocolate chip ice cream, and to wear my favorite pink pajamas and my robe. Ah, I love that thing. And I like my new space heater. It oscillates. Isnt that the coolest word ever? Say it - oscillates oscillates oscillates. Ashley said laxadasical the other day. Is that a word? I'm not sure. Her mom's potato soup was spicy though, whew. And it was awesome to talk to Rachel yesterday. I think she has been my role model for many years. I am nervous about getting our quiz grades back tomorrow. I cannot wait for next semester when I wont have class on Mondays. I shouldn't wish the days away, all those days that might hold happiness. Like the two weeks in December when I will go to china. Im excited. I should probably be getting ahead on my homework. I procrastinate too much. Its so stressful. Its hard to live up to the image of what I am supposed to be. Maybe I am not such a good student. I always do things at the last minute, whith as little effort as possible. Will I be a good teacher? Will I be a good anything? The future is so scary, daunting. Sometimes I wish to go back to "the good 'ole days" but then I remember that those days were not good anyway. When we complain about today we tend to only remember the good things about yesterday, when our current problems did not exist. It makes me sad that I mostly remember all the bad things. I won't list them, that is painful. I just want to lock myself in my room and never come out, but that is highly improbable seeing as to how I must go downstairs once every hour or so just to see another person. I love my family. I would rather spend the day with them than with my friends, and that makes me feel something. . . maybe like I dont fit in or that I am not getting the whole teenager experience or maybe this will be the reason why I will live alone at forty only looking forward to my weekend trip to the grocery store with my mom. Oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH. Becasue I don't want to be alone, I don't ever want to be alone. I want to feel good enough for someone, No, I want someone to cherish me, to love me, not just to think that I am good enough. And I want to cherish them, to love them. And I want security, because everything here seems so unbalanced and it scares me to death. I want financial stability. And Good communication. And honesty. Honesty. Honestly. I want those around me to do whats right because that is what is right. I don't want to be surrounded in the badness and lies and cheating and all that other stuff. I want to be good and be surrounded by those that want to be good. But I dont want to be perfect, just loved. I don't want to be rich, just comfortable. I don't want to be I just don't. I want, yes, oh, how I want.

And I can't help but feel like a whining, spoiled, bratty little teenager.
But yes, I will always want more.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Places other than her eyes.

There is beauty in the highway
at night,
drawn in lines of
approaching white
and receding red.
And the lights of
the passing cities
glitter in invitation.

And I say,
art can be

Beauty can be found
in places other than
the stars
and trees
and waters.

( I decide,
on my evening ride
to Kmart.)

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

I think this is number two hundred.



Nothing exciting happened today. Dad drove me to Dayton to the testing center so that I wouldn't get lost in the morning. I'll probably still get lost. I worked. Mom made me no-bake cookies just the way I like them: very, very, very gooey. Yumm.

And, I should probably go to bed soon, on account of the test in the morning, but I don't wanna. I guess I will. I probably wont. Ill try. Goodnight.

Monday, October 18, 2004

Elisabeth asked why her sister had such "chunky cheeks" Posted by Hello

At four months old. Posted by Hello

Kaitlynn Anne Quinwen Burns, I believe.

I have the heavy feeling in my chest of impending badness. Where did it come from? It started when I got on the internet. Something. . . something. . .

Um, my book still hasnt come yet. Ten days is enough isnt it?

We got pictures of Kaitlynn today, and yes, I spelled it right this time. Anyway, if the computer likes me today, they should be directly above this. Maybe.

Umm. . . I have to take a long test on Wednesday. No fun.

What is this feeling?

I started a poem today, and I dont think I'll finish it:

I close my mouth
to trap the laughter there
but it spills out through my eyes
and stains my cheeks with merry redness.

Saturday, October 16, 2004


He Quin Wen (Pronounced something like "Who Ching Ven")
"He" is the surname. "Quin" means pretty. "Wen" means gentle.
Soon to be Caitlynn Anne Quin Wen Burns (If I spelled it right)
Born: December 22, 2003
Location: Changsha, Hunan, China

Pictures will be forthcoming. Yayness!


Just me
on the way to your house
my favorite music
and fiery orange
and gilded yellow
in anticipation
of my passing.
My brow wrinkles
on Route 4
because the speed
makes me nervous
and excites me,
but mostly
I just want to
see you again.

Friday, October 15, 2004

Just cus I'm bored.

-- name: Sarah Jo
-- nickname(s): Rah Rah, Slavery Jo, Pelirojo
-- birthplace: Here
-- current Location: Still here
-- eye color: Bule
-- hair color: Reddish Brownish
-- height: 5'3"?
-- righty or lefty: Righty
-- zodiac sign: Cancer

-- your heritage: American, then maybe Irish? Definately Kentucky.
-- your fears: Lots of stuff. Not being loved?
-- your perfect pizza: Cheese, nothing else.
-- goal you'd like to achieve: My Masters Degree.
-- your most overused phrase on AIM:hehe
-- your thoughts first waking up: That was a wierd dream.
-- your thoughts at bedtime: Tomorrow I have to. . .
-- your most missed memory: I don't know. I miss alot.
-- pepsi or coke: Mountain Dew
-- mcdonald's or burger king: Chick-Fil-A
--single or group dates: single
-- iced tea or nestea: Gatorade
-- chocolate or vanilla: Mint Chocolate Chip
-- cappuccino or coffee:Hot Chocolate
-- smoke: Cancer
--curse:= Small Vocabulary
-- sing: At the top of my lungs
-- take a shower everyday: sure
-- have a crush: Yes
-- do you think you've been in love:No, I sure don't.
-- want to go to college: I am.
--like(d) high school: Yes
-- want to get married: Yes
-- believe in yourself: sometimes..
-- get motion sickness: Nah
-- think you're a health freak: no
-- get along with your parent(s): Umm Sure
-- like thunderstorms: As longs as I'm not in them.
-- play an instrument: Nope
in the past month...
-- drank alcohol: no
-- smoked: over my dead body
-- done a drug: no
-- kissed someone:No
-- had sex: no
-- gone on a date: No
-- gone to the mall?: If you call that sorry excuse for shopping a mall.
-- eaten an entire box of oreos: Ewww
-- eaten sushi: no
-- been on stage: no
-- been dumped: That would be a little impossible.
-- gone skating: no
-- made homemade cookies: I don't bake, thank you very much.
-- gone skinny dipping: Haha!
-- dyed your hair: no
-- stolen anything: no
I vetoed all those questions.
-- age you hope to be married:Tomorrow
-- numbers and names of children: Three Dozen. Haha. I don't know. I like the name Caleb and the name Rebecca. Have not thought further than that.
-- describe your dream wedding: January, freezing cold. Snow everywhere. Outside in front of a huge bonfire with just the pastor, him, me and our close family.
-- how do you want to die: I would rather the rapture come first. But. . . with Jesus VERY near.
-- where you want to go to college: Right where I am.
-- what do you want to be when you grow up:A mother. A great mother. My childrens Hero.
-- what country would you most like to visit: China!
in a guy/girl..
-- best eye color: Whatever.
-- best hair color: Whatever
-- short or long hair: As long as its not like, a mullet. . .
-- height: Am I really supposed to be that shallow?
-- best articles of clothing: As in?
-- best first date location: Somewhere with him.
-- best first kiss location: My lips?
-- # of drugs taken illegally: 0
-- # of people i could trust with my life: I DON'T KNOW!
-- # of pets you have, what kinds, names :Eww, they make me sneeze. And they smell. And you have to clean up their poop. And they smell.
-- # of CDs that i own: Relient K is all I listen to.
# of piercings:0
-- # of tattoos: 0
-- # of scars on my body: 0
-- # of things in my past that i regret: Why would I even try to list that? Thats like the introduction to a suicide note or something. How bout a question like: # of things in my life I am proud of?
Name the person/people who comes tomind in each question.
1. Always make you laugh. Tommy
2. Always make you angry. My Brother
3. Always makes fun of you Alison
4. Always be there for you Ashley Clay
5. Always buy present for you Joanie
6. Always hangout with you Ashley Clay
7. Always smile at you Most Everyone
8. Always pay for you Me
9. Always drive you around Me
10. Always ask homework questions No one.
11. Always need your help Jenelle
12. Always make you wait Mom
13. Always sleep in classes That one guy.
14. Always cannot make up his/her mind Lots of people
15. Always late for class ? I don't know
16. Never take a bus/train/aeroplane Um. . .
17. Has messy hair Me
18. Untidy ChristopherAdam Lewis
19. Someone you love? Now, that would just take forever to list.
20.A liar or a pretender? My Mother

*Hugs the Space Heater*

- I think the plan is to completely disconnect the upstairs from the heating system, me being the only one living up here. This space heater is meant to heat the entire upstairs: bathroom, three bedrooms, hallway. I'm so keeping this door shut and locked. It's mine! All Mine!

Sweet like that gum in your mouth.

I doubt your existence sometimes, but this is well balanced by the memory of the heat of your breath on my skin.

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Science class and X-men too.

I feel discouraged and hopeful at the same time, but not about the same things and it feels strange. I am afraid to feel too hopeful about anything, because letdowns are terrible. Maybe I am emotional or maybe I am in touch with my emotions. I dunno. Do I show it in real life? Um. . I don't know. I don't think I make my as legible on my face as I do in this blog. I am certainly not as honest.

I remember telling my class about my mom, and my life. My hands shook and I wanted to hide and cry, but I kept talking. Heck, I cried when I wrote that entry about my mom. Honesty is hard, vulnerability is terrifying. I think I would do best if it were just me and you and the stars.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

I wonder what happens when you press this bu- BOOM!

I got the Relient K Christmas albulm I purchased on eBay in the mail. I've been listening to it all day. Now, I would blame my freakness (caused by listening to Christmas music two months early) on Relient K, but truth be told, I was listening to my other Christmas CD just last week. So, I am a freak either way. I just love Christmas music. It reminds me of our vacations to Michigan. I will miss that this year, but small trade for China, I would say. I'll still miss it.

There was something else, I promise. Oh, I remember! Last evening I was surprised to find a space heater in the bathroom. For whatever reason it was there, its gone now, and my room is nice and toasty. (Infer what you will.) Eww, but it smelled funny, like burnt something or other, so I taped a fabric softener sheet to the vent and now my room smells like warm laundry. Yum.

And. . . Friday and Saturday are "fall break" and I don't have any classes. Excitedness. I don't have to work Saturday either! Whatever will I do with a whole day with no obligations? Hmm.

I feel so not-social. I haven't seen anyone. It was nice to see Ashley today.

I saw my ninth grade English teacher! She was in Fashion Bug and it was awesome. Yeah, cus I'm a nerd and I like my teachers.

I think I'm done now.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004


I think I stumbled across something really profound today and it frightened me. I found one of those hidden strings that controls my behavior. And I don't think I was ready to see the strings. Granted, I only found one of them.

For the longest time, the best thing I could do was imitate the accepted behavior I saw in others. After some struggles, I began to act in a fashion that was completely me. Then, after some self-study, I have been able recognize the patterns in my behavior. Not only do I just be me, but I see the little things that make up me. Well, most of them. It is very hard to look at oneself. But today, I saw why I do some things. This is scary. Is everything I am a result of some outside stimulus? I don't want to think that. I want to be responsible for who I am.

I was talking to my Mother today. And I will explain that talking to my Mother is always so awkward for me. It feels so fake and manufactured. There are so many things we do not say, subjects we do not talk about. This entire relationship is as fragile at that ornament she threw that Christmas.

I told her that I thought we should see a therapist together. She asked why we would do that, our relationship is fine until it comes to money. I told her that there were major things wrong. She wants to know what. I tell her she doesn't want to talk about it. She says, I am right, she doesn't want to talk about it. I tell her that that's one of the things wrong with our relationship, we don't talk about things. She says that's just the way her family deals with things. I tell her that makes relationships shatter. She changes the subject. I say one day I am just going to leave and never come back and she can never say I didn't ever try to talk about it. She gets mad. Awkward silence ensues.

I do not trust her. Ever. I want to tell her this. I want to trust her. I want to feel safe with her. But everytime I trust her again, she lies to me, steals from me, does something. Even the smallest things, stupid, tiny things, she lies about. It breaks my heart. Lies lies lies. What am I supposed to do? She's so manipulative. She tries to make me feel guilty if I deny her something.

She is so good to me, she says, why won't I give her ten dollars? I never have anything nice to say about her, she says, I am so ungrateful. Her back hurts, her hands hurt, why won't I give her fifteen dollars so she can go buy pain pills from her friend? She hasn't had any all day, and she needs them, she tells me, Daddy will pay me back when he gets home.

I just want to sit here and cry and pout about how horrible it all is. But where will that get me? What good would that accomplish? And she compares my life to other people. Tells me how good I have it. Look at so and so, aren't you glad you don't have their parents? If you go around comparing yourself to other people, you are going to find that lots of people have it worse than you and lots of people have it better than you too. You just cant do that. I want to scream. I don't care about so and so, I care about me, about us, about this relationship. I AM NOT HAPPY! Can you see that? Can you see how much it hurts me? Why won't you listen to me? Why are pills more important than me? Don't you love me? Don't you care?

I'm walking around with this inside of me, and you don't want to talk about it. I look at you with love and contempt, and it confuses me. I love you so much. I love you so much. Stop hurting me, please. Just love me okay? Can't you just be nice because you love me, and not because you want money? Can't you just love me for me, and not my money? Oh my gosh, I just need you to be my mom.

And this, is the string I found. I need to be listened to, I need reassurance, I need honesty, because Im not getting these things where they truly matter. And it scares me to death to say all these things because we don't talk about these things. We don't share these things. Well, Im sharing it with the whole world because the most important person in my world won't listen to me.

*Fade to Black*

Monday, October 11, 2004

Lately the weather has been so bipolar and consequently so have I.

I bought towels today. I feel so grown up now. They are light and navy blue. I had to rearrange my room to find room for the towels. Yeah, its that packed. My room is now a bedroom/office/walk-in closet/storage-major storage. I got towels because I wanted MY OWN towels. And then I will wash them and put them in my room and no one else's cooties will touch them! Yes! (I am very aware that yes, I am a freak.)

Just to share, I am also bothered by using the Q-tips in the bathroom because I don't know how clean whoeveres hands were when they grabbed one. SO, I bought my own. They are in my room. And. . . I get upset if my toothbrush is in a different position than when I left it. Eww, once it was wet when it shouldn't have been. Mom said she cleaned them all, so I got a new toothbrush, because. . . eww. Don't touch the toothbrush ma'am.

Im sure there are more things, but I wont list them all.

Do you think of me in a different light now?

AND. . . I did the laundry today and no one told me to! I ran out of pink things and had to take matters into my own hands. Ha.

Im waiting for my CD to come in the mail. Godspeed to it.

Oh My Gosh! Joanie said that the rumors are that the referrals were mailed from China. So, maybe Thursday? I sure hope so. Im so stayin the night at her house this weekend. I cant wait to meet the new baby, gosh darn it. I've been thinking about China quite a bit lately.


Sunday, October 10, 2004

I drank his mountain dew. Duhn Duhn Duhhhhhhh.

Chris: WHATS THIS?!?!
Me: Uh. . . nuthin
Chris: okay

Dear you,

I just wanted to move a little bit closer to you
I never intended to do all the damage I managed to do.
Sometimes it seems that my every action is tainted with doubt.
But in my private worship of you I was systematically devout.

Laughing at who I thought I was or wanted you to be,
my preconceived notions were plagued with inconsistency.
Almost always bound by the things I thought I knew
or promises I made but never ever followed through.

I've found that things become more complicated than we plan
and the words are imbued with more emotion then when this began.
Now I know the things I wanted were things you could not offer me,
And more important are the things I cannot touch or hear or see.

Suffuse me once again with your ever present benevolence
that constantly surprises me in its overwhelming prevalence,
because I need you more than I would ever deign to say
and I would follow you with more passion than words could ever convey.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

We make a game of throwing our shoes

I still smile when I look at the pictures from that day. It warms my heart. Maybe I want to be there again, but I do not want to relive all those days between then and now. And I do not want to lose all the things I have learned. I will just say, I enjoyed it, and my time with you.

Eww, you have shark breath.

I'm grumpy. I didn't get what I wanted. I wanted to go to the haunted hay ride, and I wanted to do so with my parents. Not with my brother. Not with my brother and his friends. Not with my friends. Not by myself. I wanted to go do something fun with my parents. And they wouldn't go. So, Im just going to sit here and pout and wrinkle my brow instead of doing the mature thing like compromising.

Friday, October 08, 2004

He took all the broken bits of glass and made something beautiful.

I wish these feelings were reciprocal. And I want always to be happy with me. I hate how embarrassed and awkward I feel at times. I would like to see your face now. I hope that tomorrow turns out better than I expect. I need security and reassurance. I like how you give that to me. I see all my flaws when I look in the mirror. I fear that you see them too. I am tired of being so passive and compliant. I will try to speak up more often. Im still terribly afraid of guys. I feel more comfortable around guys that are not "hot." I am picky about little things like squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom and where things go. I feel irritated and unimportant when I talk and no one listens. Most often, the thing I want the most is the very thing I fear. I remember what people say better than names and birthdays and events. I couldn't tell you what color eyes you have. But the way you make me feel, oh, I certainly remember that. I really do.

El Pollo Loco esta bialando el tango con tu novio y tu madre en la biblioteca.

I really don't have much to say, just avoiding math homework.

I got angry today and found my solace in Walmart. I seem to go there or the library when I get mad. I bought some stuff. Small stuff. Like Q-tips and fluoride mouthwash. Now my teeth will be stronger than ever! Heh.

I still harbor lingering tendrils of anger. This makes me want to listen to loud music and pout, but I will not. I should probably do my homework. I do have to work tonight and class is early in the morning. This is funny, me telling me to do something.

I'm sleepy. I did not sleep so well last night. I kept waking up with the nagging feeling that I ought to be doing something, I could not decide for the life of me what that something was. So I looked at the clock, again and again.

I have been avoiding me lately. This trend of introspection I began has started to scare me. But the alternative is scary too.

There are so many other things I should be doing.
I would rather be talking to anyone just now.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Prelude to Goodbye

I love you.
God, how I love you.
And how many times
I didn't say it.

Your so beautiful.
Did I say that to you?
Do you truly understand
how beautiful you are?

Remember that time?
Man, those times
were awesome.
I wish we could go back
a day or two.

Think of all we haven't done
all those things we were going to do

I love you.
God, how I love you.

Let me just hold your hand.
Lets just sit here awhile.
Sit and just be together.

I wanted to thank you.
Thank you so much for everything.
I wouldn't be me without you.

Oh, oh, how I love you.
How very much I need you.

For Grandpa

When I say RENEGADE, you say PRIDE.

Um, my emotional processor is out to lunch. Or vacation.

Happiness. Definite happiness. And then other stuff. Too complicated to go into, I suppose. Just confusion.

If everything went the way I planned, I wouldn't know what to plan anyhow.

Im just a jumble of stuff today.

Always, with joy.

Leaves crunching underfoot
and the certainty for once
that you love me.

May be complete happiness
in forever
and always.

And my fingertips
are not cold
like usual
because I touched you
and the heat of it
lingers there.

Renders my heart
alive again
when I thought
all feeling had passed
from it.

My breathe doesn't come so easily
when you are near.

And maybe I feel
for once.

Misguided, maybe
but always
with joy.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

That Fish Looks Like Angelina Jolie!

The toilet broke. Again. stupid humanity.
Just thought I would share that with you. Gnight.

Proud Owner: The Complex Infrastructure Known as the Female Mind.

Ashley came over today and we planned our schedules and stuff. Now, I just have to hurry and sign up for them before one of my classes fills up. I sure hope they don't, because then I would be really mad.
My schedule for next semester as of today:
Monday: No classes
Tuesday: in school from 8:30 till 1:20
Wednesday: No classes
Thursday:8:30-11:15 then 4:00 till 9:40
Friday: No Classes
Saturday: 8:30 to 12:00

All in all, I would say that this looks pretty awesome. I am taking 17 credit hours. That's 5 more credit hours than this semester. Can I handle it? We will see, won't we?

I watched Fahrenheit 9/11 today. It did not affect the way I was going to vote, though. Mostly because I was going to vote for Kerry anyhow. I decided this, oh, about three days ago. Yeah, I took it upon myself to actually look up the issues.

I feel so frustrated, but it would take a really long time to explain it to you and then even if you cared enough to listen to me that long you probably would not understand anymore anyway, so I will just say that I am frustrated with America. Maybe I will move to Canada. No, I like Middletown. Maybe I will rally for the annexation of Ohio by Canada. Yeah, that sounds good.

I cannot figure out what is going on with the RK book. I suppose this will be a lesson in patience.

I almost did my homework today. And then didn't.

I did accomplish something anyhow.

I want the referrals to come. Right now.

Well, I must go bathe myself.

Oh, oh! I ran out of the shampoo Connie got me for graduation (the stuff that smelled soo good.) I looked it up online but I only found it in the liter bottles and they were 20 dollars a bottle plus another 10 for shipping. I sure didn't like it that much. I wonder where I could buy it at? Its like a salon-y type shampoo. Mmmm coconut. Sadness :{

Um, oh yes, I was going to go do something productive.


Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Bathhouse John and Princess Alice the elephant/alcoholic.

I just crawled out of bed. Ug. When I got back home tonight, I had a horrible headache. I went upstairs and just enjoyed the darkness and my bed. I might have cried if I didn't think it would only make my head worse. My mom came upstairs with water and advil at one point. She felt my head and babied me. I sure love that woman.

I was going to do my homework but I feel that building pressure in my sinuses again. I think Ill go back to bed. History can wait till tomorrow.

Monday, October 04, 2004

To use an archaic term: Wishing you were my beau.

We are not the same
you and me
as much as I
pretend to be.

I crush myself
into this mold
but this foreign shape
would never hold.

These poems that rhyme
feel so elementary
I suppose that was my
point of entry

And So I despise
every word that I write
making my poetry
soul - less and trite.

I was going to share something
a moment ago
maybe a complex way
of wishing you were my beau.

But as I have learned
words accomplish little
leaving me feeling
diluted and brittle.

As always, I'll leave you
with pieces of me
that may very much resemble
discarded, disturbing, debris.

I'm pretty sure he is just talking to himself.

People are weird.

And, on to a different subject. I signed up to take the Praxis exam today. Pretty sure it cost me $120. Ug. Anyway, so I have to go to Dayton at 7:30 in the morning on Oct. 20th to take the test for hours and hours to see if I am fit be a teacher. Im not too worried. Im just mad about the cost, geez.

Now, I just have to work with children for 100 hours and I'll have all my requirements met outside of class for the cohort. (Its okay if you understand none of this.)

And I need to make a lesson plan. Then Ill be done with all the stuff I have been avoiding.

And then Ill be happier. I hope.

Sunday, October 03, 2004

So she vacuumed.

Work today wore me out, but some not-strangers came in today and that was nice.

I guess my exam is tomorrow then.

I cant wait for Oct. 13th.

I was so sick last night. I am never eating at White Castle again. Ever.

So, apparently my idea of clean clashes with my mothers because she cleaned my room today. I kinda left off the whole dusting/vacuuming part. My idea of clean is to organize the giant piles of paper that seem so accumulate here. And the clothes. Mountains and mountains of clothes, but mostly paper. What kind of paper you say? Bills, bank statements, student loan paperwork, schedules, and other grown up stuff. And then random bits of poetry, websites I wrote down, lists of things like books to read, things to buy with my next paycheck, things to do. Receipts from paying bills and buying stuff. Business cards. My voter registration card. Concert ticket stubs and programs. Name-tag sticker things for some reason? Invitations for friends and family night at the bug, homework. . . I could really keep going, but I see you are getting bored.

So she vacuumed. Its funny, we have to turn the computers off before we vacuum upstairs or we blow a breaker. How funny is that? Consequently, we don't vacuum up here very much.

Um. . .

I am slowly moving toward independence. I wish I had my own bathroom. I buy my own toothpaste, soap, shampoo, conditioner, mouthwash, and other bathroom junk, because White Rain and dollar general brand soap just aren't for me anymore. My brother is just such a slob. If I had my own bathroom then I wouldn't have to worry about why the hand towel was crunchy or what that liquid on the toilet seat is. Eww, I know.

I said this to my father earlier and he got mad. He told me to appreciate what I already have, and I suppose he is right. I am just feeling ready to live on my own and not feeling ready to live on my own. And its confusing and it makes me restless.

I want things to be mine. I want to own things. I want to be responsible for something. Like my car. I own my car. The title is in my name and I like it much. I pay for my own insurance and oil changes and repairs and I like this because I can say, "No, you cannot borrow my car." and no one can "ground" me from it or anything. It is mine.

And I pay my own internet and phone bill. (The latter doesn't even serve a purpose.) But I do not have to worry about my parents saying that they cannot afford the internet this month or anything. I pay for it. I decided to get DSL. And its awesome. And its so worth it. And I do not have to fight about how long I tie up the phone line being on the internet, DSL doesn't use the phone, but I have my own line should I want it.

These things make me content, but I always want more. I want to be an adult, but I am not ready for it. First, I cant afford to live on my own, still being in school. And second, I cant live by myself. I need people. I need my family. (Although it is so awesome when it is just me in the house all day.)

Mom told me that we may move after Christmas. Of course, they say about every six months that we will be moving soon, but I have mixed feelings about this. I like it here. My room is HUGE. And if we move, it might not be. I like Middletown, and if we move, it might be Carlisle. But then, we may just move into a bigger house in Middletown and I might get a bedroom with its own bathroom. (I always get the master bedroom, I am SO spoiled.) I guess, as usual, We will see what we see.

Im still worried about the concert date.
Im so broke all the time.
Well, all my bills are paid.
And I buy lots of junk too.
Like concert tickets.
And CD's.
And books.
On eBay.
Because I love eBay.
And Amazon.
And Relient K.
And you too.

Well, I need to stop not studying.

Saturday, October 02, 2004

I forgot I even had that!

I cleaned my room today. This always makes me feel refreshed, relieved.

Yeah, the potato festival was pretty boring, but I enjoyed spending time with my brother and my dad. We laughed all the way there talking about memories. That was nice. =)

I think the math test was pretty easy.

Well, I guess Ill go downstairs. I wanna do something, go somewhere, see someone.

Good day.

Friday, October 01, 2004

That picture was called "Don't hurt me."

Do you hate the new picture? Should I change it, cus Ashley laughed at it (really loud) and now I feel all self-concious. I liked it but. . . thats me. I'll change it if no one likes it. Yeah. That would require you talking to me.

So, I am not in a very good mood, and I havent been all night long either. I am just stressed out, I guess. Oh well. Test in the morning, then potato festival. Um, and I need to go to hope house again, maybe Tuesday? Hmm. We will see.

And Im glad that I did not go to the trail tonight because I am so tired and grumpy. And broke. Always broke. But I was good, you see. I paid my car insurance bill almost a month early so I would have money to spend at the concert.

The referral didn't come in and that makes me sad. I want to see pictures of the new baby, whatever her name is. I sure hope she's healthy. We will be there soon enough, sweethart!

And there were little children in Fashion Bug today and I just wanted to hold their little hands and talk to them. *sigh*

And I keep talking about the darn book I finished reading. I need to slowly extracate myself from the world of fiction in my head. There are just so many other places I would rather be, I guess.

The Tendu remind me of the Piggies. Just a thought.

And I cannot remember the name for the little. . . I do remember! I will be drifting in a world of fiction where allu-a and aui actually exist. And everybody lived happily forever after.

 Posted by Hello

A reassuring blue.

In the book I am reading, the aliens turn colors for different emotions, like an all-over mood ring. I think that's awesome and scary. I guess I wouldn't want to be so transparent most of the time.That would be so vulnerable, I think. Not being able to hide anger, embarrassment, attraction, or anything. Wow. I have mastered hiding these things, I think. I call this lying. And I lie all the time. Heh.

Its funny though. Pink is excitement and brown is embarrassment. Its funny because I would be looking quite excited with spots of embarrassment all over! Oh, and Red is angry, so my hair would not know weather it was angry or embarrassed. That's funny. Well, I might as well tell you the rest. Gray is sad/dejected/disappointed/hurt. Green is pleased. Turquoise is really pleased, like when you eat a good food or find something you really like. Blue is reassuring and warm, happy feelings. Orange is fear. Silver is the color of death. Yeah, I think that's all, right? My eyes would be a reassuring blue, I guess. Gold is the color of arousal. I just remembered that one.

Hey, I wonder what black is? Or purple? Yellow? Hmm.

Anyway, I have known people who could read me like a Tendu.
And I think all us humans need allu-a.
I would like that, and be scared of it. Yeah.

Well, Im going to continue not doing my homework, and read the rest of my book. I've got like five pages left!
And I'm going to be sad when its over, but there is a second book called Through Alien Eyes. Ill havta buy it, I'm sure.
Oh, the book I am reading now is called The Color of Distance. That reminds me of Eng 112 last year: What is beyond the earth? The color of memory. I really liked that class. I want to take creative writing. I so do.

Well, until I see you again. . .