Tuesday, October 12, 2004


I think I stumbled across something really profound today and it frightened me. I found one of those hidden strings that controls my behavior. And I don't think I was ready to see the strings. Granted, I only found one of them.

For the longest time, the best thing I could do was imitate the accepted behavior I saw in others. After some struggles, I began to act in a fashion that was completely me. Then, after some self-study, I have been able recognize the patterns in my behavior. Not only do I just be me, but I see the little things that make up me. Well, most of them. It is very hard to look at oneself. But today, I saw why I do some things. This is scary. Is everything I am a result of some outside stimulus? I don't want to think that. I want to be responsible for who I am.

I was talking to my Mother today. And I will explain that talking to my Mother is always so awkward for me. It feels so fake and manufactured. There are so many things we do not say, subjects we do not talk about. This entire relationship is as fragile at that ornament she threw that Christmas.

I told her that I thought we should see a therapist together. She asked why we would do that, our relationship is fine until it comes to money. I told her that there were major things wrong. She wants to know what. I tell her she doesn't want to talk about it. She says, I am right, she doesn't want to talk about it. I tell her that that's one of the things wrong with our relationship, we don't talk about things. She says that's just the way her family deals with things. I tell her that makes relationships shatter. She changes the subject. I say one day I am just going to leave and never come back and she can never say I didn't ever try to talk about it. She gets mad. Awkward silence ensues.

I do not trust her. Ever. I want to tell her this. I want to trust her. I want to feel safe with her. But everytime I trust her again, she lies to me, steals from me, does something. Even the smallest things, stupid, tiny things, she lies about. It breaks my heart. Lies lies lies. What am I supposed to do? She's so manipulative. She tries to make me feel guilty if I deny her something.

She is so good to me, she says, why won't I give her ten dollars? I never have anything nice to say about her, she says, I am so ungrateful. Her back hurts, her hands hurt, why won't I give her fifteen dollars so she can go buy pain pills from her friend? She hasn't had any all day, and she needs them, she tells me, Daddy will pay me back when he gets home.

I just want to sit here and cry and pout about how horrible it all is. But where will that get me? What good would that accomplish? And she compares my life to other people. Tells me how good I have it. Look at so and so, aren't you glad you don't have their parents? If you go around comparing yourself to other people, you are going to find that lots of people have it worse than you and lots of people have it better than you too. You just cant do that. I want to scream. I don't care about so and so, I care about me, about us, about this relationship. I AM NOT HAPPY! Can you see that? Can you see how much it hurts me? Why won't you listen to me? Why are pills more important than me? Don't you love me? Don't you care?

I'm walking around with this inside of me, and you don't want to talk about it. I look at you with love and contempt, and it confuses me. I love you so much. I love you so much. Stop hurting me, please. Just love me okay? Can't you just be nice because you love me, and not because you want money? Can't you just love me for me, and not my money? Oh my gosh, I just need you to be my mom.

And this, is the string I found. I need to be listened to, I need reassurance, I need honesty, because Im not getting these things where they truly matter. And it scares me to death to say all these things because we don't talk about these things. We don't share these things. Well, Im sharing it with the whole world because the most important person in my world won't listen to me.

*Fade to Black*

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