Sunday, October 24, 2004

Looking at yourself in a spoon.

Ashley and I saw the movie, Grudge, tonight. I liked it. I thought during the movie, this would be nice to watch with a boyfriend whose arm I could grab during the scary parts, but alas, I do not have one. I am too much of a. . . for lack of a better word- scardy cat.

Anyway, and it was fun attacking that chair with the batting and staple gun.
And it was awesome to see all my family at work today.
I have a terrible longing for Michigan.
I am too preoccupied with stuff.

Seems like there was something I was going to say. Maybe I should freewrite and it will come out:

I want to write a poem about anything, something beautiful so then you will think I am beautiful too. Maybe for lack of insecurity I would find other problems to dwell on. I don't even know what I want with you. I don't think I would be happy if I had everything I ever wanted. Right now I want some mint chocolate chip ice cream, and to wear my favorite pink pajamas and my robe. Ah, I love that thing. And I like my new space heater. It oscillates. Isnt that the coolest word ever? Say it - oscillates oscillates oscillates. Ashley said laxadasical the other day. Is that a word? I'm not sure. Her mom's potato soup was spicy though, whew. And it was awesome to talk to Rachel yesterday. I think she has been my role model for many years. I am nervous about getting our quiz grades back tomorrow. I cannot wait for next semester when I wont have class on Mondays. I shouldn't wish the days away, all those days that might hold happiness. Like the two weeks in December when I will go to china. Im excited. I should probably be getting ahead on my homework. I procrastinate too much. Its so stressful. Its hard to live up to the image of what I am supposed to be. Maybe I am not such a good student. I always do things at the last minute, whith as little effort as possible. Will I be a good teacher? Will I be a good anything? The future is so scary, daunting. Sometimes I wish to go back to "the good 'ole days" but then I remember that those days were not good anyway. When we complain about today we tend to only remember the good things about yesterday, when our current problems did not exist. It makes me sad that I mostly remember all the bad things. I won't list them, that is painful. I just want to lock myself in my room and never come out, but that is highly improbable seeing as to how I must go downstairs once every hour or so just to see another person. I love my family. I would rather spend the day with them than with my friends, and that makes me feel something. . . maybe like I dont fit in or that I am not getting the whole teenager experience or maybe this will be the reason why I will live alone at forty only looking forward to my weekend trip to the grocery store with my mom. Oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH. Becasue I don't want to be alone, I don't ever want to be alone. I want to feel good enough for someone, No, I want someone to cherish me, to love me, not just to think that I am good enough. And I want to cherish them, to love them. And I want security, because everything here seems so unbalanced and it scares me to death. I want financial stability. And Good communication. And honesty. Honesty. Honestly. I want those around me to do whats right because that is what is right. I don't want to be surrounded in the badness and lies and cheating and all that other stuff. I want to be good and be surrounded by those that want to be good. But I dont want to be perfect, just loved. I don't want to be rich, just comfortable. I don't want to be I just don't. I want, yes, oh, how I want.

And I can't help but feel like a whining, spoiled, bratty little teenager.
But yes, I will always want more.

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