Sunday, August 31, 2008

I'm hiding from my parents right now because they want money from me. I'm thinking I'l have to find someplace to be all day tomorrow. Too bad Kidd is closed on Sundays. I may just get ALL KINDS of homework done at the library.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Nights like tonight almost make up for how painful life is.

Tonight I spent some time at Kidd coffee watching handsome young men do magic. Normally, I'm excited about one thing, like hanging out at Kidd coffee, but tonight had three: Kidd coffee, handsome young men, magic. It was very entertaining and I got to meet all kinds of new, interesting people as well as see friends I've already made. I love the way life presents you the opportunity to make strangers into friends. Afterwards, I went out to dinner with Johnna. When we came back, some of the guys were still at the coffee shop and I wanted to stay but I wasn't sure if THEY wanted me to stay, so I left.

So I'm happy. I mean, I'm usually happy, but I'm extra happy right now. I just wish I could rewind and stay there just a little bit longer.

I'll tell you a story from work:

Me: Whats your address?
Customer: something something something, apartment G.
Me: Apt. G?
Customer: G as in 'gorgeous' *wink*


Oh, and an amazing number of people think I've flirted with them. I think the difference between flirting and genuinely being friendly must not be very clear, because I don't think I've ever "flirted" in my life. It sounds like some kind of awkward word-dance I don't know how to do. Why cant we just say, "I like you and I think you're interesting and I would love to get to know you better?" But then, I'm a pretty direct person. I'm not sure this would work with everyone. I believe there are some social rules I missed out on one day at school, like, "things you don't say to people you don't know well." Nika calls me blunt. I just don't see the point in being anything other than perfectly honest.

Where was I going with this?

Oh, never mind. More importantly, I just realized why the whole, "I like you and I think you're interesting . . . blah blah" thing wouldn't work. People flirt to see if the other person is interested as well. I just assume the other person isn't interested.

After all, I've never dated anyone. I've never held hands. I've never kissed (or anything else, for that matter.) And for most of those things, its not because I don't want to, its because no one is interested in me.

Perhaps one day there will be some guy who will be absolutely satisfied with being my first everything.

But I'm not going to think about that anymore because it makes me grumpy and I was in a good mood just a few minutes ago.

I hope you find happiness as frequently and abundantly as I do. And I hope you can survive the painful parts.

Sarah Jo!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Actions speak louder than words. (Or annals of the fat friend.)

A couple days ago a customer told me I had the most angelic face he had ever seen. Then, as if to emphasize, he repeated it again: I have the face of an angel and I radiate pure joy. Once, when we studied the words of the day, my friend said the definition of effulgent sounded like me. Customers, strangers, and friends tell me that I am the most friendly person they have ever met. I am so nice. I am so joyful. Kind strangers say that I have a beautiful smile and gorgeous hair and shining eyes.

And sometimes, when I look into the mirror, I believe them all. For short moments, I see the glimpse of something beautiful inside me, and all around me.

So why can't I remember these things during those moments when I feel so unpretty. I feel like I will always be the fat friend, the friend that everyone is nice to while they ask the other one on a date. I dont want to tell myself that it will be better later; I want it better now. I want everything else about me to be good enough for someone to want more of me. I've wanted it for so long, its like wanting to see the world or wanting to end world hunger, those things you wish for in a way you think will actually never happen.

So, when people give me those compliments, I say "thank you" and I try to soak them up as long as possible. I let the coolness of the words sink as deep as they will go and I hold onto that feeling until it is enough, but it must be enough, because there might never be more than the kind words of strangers, the distant hope that something else might come along later, something people write songs and stories about. Something I apparently dont deserve.

Friday, August 15, 2008

I was so scared

Something was terribly wrong with my mother. She could barely walk, half bent-over and swaying from side to side. She couldn't talk, mumbling incoherent things and asking questions I didn't understand. She was confused, not understanding how she got to the bathroom or how to walk back down the stairs. Her face was slack, her lips and cheeks and eyes didnt move when she spoke. I was terrified.

So we went to the emergency room tuesday night. Now its Friday, and she is finally coming home. Turns out, she has congestive heart failure and something calld COPD. She must have had these things for awhile. We've been to the emergency room before when her legs have swelled up and she passed out and couldnt wake up, but they just gave her an IV and sent her home. We didnt have insurance, and she was dying. This time, we went to a different hospital, insurance in hand. We got help.

Apparently, she got so bad the last couple days because her lungs were filling up with fluid. If we had waited another day, she would have died in her sleep, suffocating. At the hospital, they pulled bags and bags of fluid out of her. She lost thirty pounds. Now, she'll have to take about four different pills and day and stop smoking.

More than that, she sounds like my mother again. I had assumed that the death of her mother had caused this change in her, making her confused and tired all the time. Suddendly, this woman I've missed is back and I know just how close I came to losing her. I was so, so scared.