Thursday, August 21, 2008

Actions speak louder than words. (Or annals of the fat friend.)

A couple days ago a customer told me I had the most angelic face he had ever seen. Then, as if to emphasize, he repeated it again: I have the face of an angel and I radiate pure joy. Once, when we studied the words of the day, my friend said the definition of effulgent sounded like me. Customers, strangers, and friends tell me that I am the most friendly person they have ever met. I am so nice. I am so joyful. Kind strangers say that I have a beautiful smile and gorgeous hair and shining eyes.

And sometimes, when I look into the mirror, I believe them all. For short moments, I see the glimpse of something beautiful inside me, and all around me.

So why can't I remember these things during those moments when I feel so unpretty. I feel like I will always be the fat friend, the friend that everyone is nice to while they ask the other one on a date. I dont want to tell myself that it will be better later; I want it better now. I want everything else about me to be good enough for someone to want more of me. I've wanted it for so long, its like wanting to see the world or wanting to end world hunger, those things you wish for in a way you think will actually never happen.

So, when people give me those compliments, I say "thank you" and I try to soak them up as long as possible. I let the coolness of the words sink as deep as they will go and I hold onto that feeling until it is enough, but it must be enough, because there might never be more than the kind words of strangers, the distant hope that something else might come along later, something people write songs and stories about. Something I apparently dont deserve.

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