Friday, January 27, 2006

Warning: Pointless jabbering

I was just thinking about you, even though I'm not supposed to. I told myself not to. I cannot escape the memory of you, alive inside my head. Everytime I hear that song, I think of that moment. And I don't know what I'm supposed to do. How can the feelings fade with time if I awaken them each morning and breathe life into them all day long? All my fairy tales shatter like delicate snowflakes in my hands. Nothing I ever plan will be enough for me. Emotion has a way of dominating logic. All my pretty words don't stack up so nicely anymore. The colors and the current are much different than they were before and I don't know where I am, where I am going, or how to get there if I knew. But I do know where I've been. I'm painfully aware of that. just like knowing that i am saying too much doesn't stop me from pressing on the keys. It is a rhythm that feels good. The keys respond and my very thoughts can materialize before me in clean, neat lines. So unlike the crooked, uneven scrawl of my pen. I try to write too fast and letters start to lose parts. Words start to lose letters. Sentences start to lose words until I have to mess of ink that only I can read. Subject to subject like skipping across stones in the water. I discovered/noticed/something that I am a visual learner. I never thought about it before. But everything has a color or a picture. I remember exactly where on the page this or that sentence was. I don't understand something read aloud to me, I have to read it myself. Its not to say that I don't learn other ways too, that is just my dominant learning style. Pictures or written directions don't help very much with driving, I do better if I just drive there myself. I remember the words to songs I haven't heard in years but I would remember them better if I had seen them written. I could go on talking all night long but of course there is no one awake to talk to.

Sarah Jo

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Her brow is wrinkled as she stares into the most distant corner of the room, searching for the answer to the question that doesn't matter anyway.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Okay, breathe, and do your homework.

How do I say this? Every class I take for my major leaves me feeling more and more unsure of myself. This is fear closing in on me. I can look at and call it irrational, unhelpful, useless, but it still grips me tighter every day. "What if" looms in front of me. What if I can't teach? What if I can't handle a class full of children? What if I don't like it? What if I waste four years of my life preparing for a career that will not happen? Fear. Irrational, stupid, fear. And it is taking over.

Sarah Jo

Santa is a ninja.

I just wanted to share this with you:

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

"And you make me want to dance"

I would say more if I had something interesting to say. These days are filled with school, homework, work, eating and sleep. Yes, there are days when I do fun stuff, but recording my daily events was not my intention when I started this blog. I wanted a place to say all the things I can't/don't say out loud. But now I am finding more and more that these things I am thinking, I have already said. These thoughts I have recorded are not something I thought of one day, but a recurring theme or underlying current. Some things I had not fully worked out in language until I first typed them here. After first looking inward at my thought processes and analyzing them, giving them voice and text, they have become more apparent to me. I was going to say they have become more predominant in my thought, but these things would have always been there, motivating my actions and emotions while being a nameless phantom. Now I can look at myself and say, "I know why I am doing this, why I am feeling this way." It might serve you, or myself, better to give examples. Like skating around each other and those worn paths in the carpet. They are not images in my head, not just vague suggestions.

And I know that I'll feel lonely sometimes no matter how much I write about it. And I'll feel so happy that language cannot accurately describe it. I'll be angry and sad and disappointed and pleased and surprised and . . . I'll find some guy that I find absolutely intriguing, attractive, whatever and feel the need to tell you all about him without telling you who he is. And writing about how wonderful he is will never give me the courage to tell him so. I don't expect to grow out of emotions, and I don't expect journaling to solve all or any of my "problems". But this has surely been a wonderful vent for me, and it has made me feel understood, or at least listened to.

I'm just trying to say that I'll be saying less and less because so much of what I would say has already been written. I don't want to repeat myself. So much.

What am I doing here? I'm just here chasing after happiness. Its not stationary, but a lifelong pursuit. Everyday I must chase after happy. Somedays I don't. Somedays I stumble and don't get up so quickly. Somedays I get distracted. But most days I grab it fast and hold on until I go to sleep.

What do I need? I need structure and expectations and security. And I need to be loved without cost, without condition. And I need to be listened to, and someone to listen to. I will need a lifelong companionship, someone who will be happy and strong when I can't be, who will need me to be those things when they can't be. And more than anything, I need a personal relationship with the only One who ever gave me everything I need.

Ah, but I do need to learn some patience. Be more compassionate. More trusting. I need to guard my tongue. Avoid temptation. Stop getting so distracted. Focus on God.

I'm really done for now. (But I feel like I could sing.)

Sarah Jo

Friday, January 13, 2006

Last night I dreamt I was running and running and running. I kept ending up at the same place. Running, walking, driving, riding, always the same destination. And everything kept not turning out the way I wanted. And I just wanted to get home. Running running running and never home.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Daddy has a way of making things better.

Goodness. I'm worn out and its only the second day of school. I've already dropped a class. I'm thinking summer school sounds better than trying to take all these classes at once. I dunno kids, can I make it?

Sarah Jo

Sunday, January 08, 2006


The air smells like life today. The sky is clear and the sun is radiating brilliantly. The wind races to embrace me joyfully wherever I go. What a beautiful, beautiful day.

Christopher and I plan to have a girlfriend-free movie marathon today.
And I've been sucked into the world of Narnia quite thoroughly.
And I'm SO SO happy.
And kind of very stressed about stuff I can't change.
But that happy is bigger.

Sarah Jo

Friday, January 06, 2006


Bird droppings landed on my head today. Like I was some kind of red bulls-eye in the parking lot.

In other news, my books cost nearly six hundred dollars.

And my tire is going flat. Again. Yes, the new one.

But it was a good day.

No, it really was.

Love ya,

Sarah Jo

Monday, January 02, 2006

Mmmm, happiness feels SO good.