Wednesday, January 18, 2006

"And you make me want to dance"

I would say more if I had something interesting to say. These days are filled with school, homework, work, eating and sleep. Yes, there are days when I do fun stuff, but recording my daily events was not my intention when I started this blog. I wanted a place to say all the things I can't/don't say out loud. But now I am finding more and more that these things I am thinking, I have already said. These thoughts I have recorded are not something I thought of one day, but a recurring theme or underlying current. Some things I had not fully worked out in language until I first typed them here. After first looking inward at my thought processes and analyzing them, giving them voice and text, they have become more apparent to me. I was going to say they have become more predominant in my thought, but these things would have always been there, motivating my actions and emotions while being a nameless phantom. Now I can look at myself and say, "I know why I am doing this, why I am feeling this way." It might serve you, or myself, better to give examples. Like skating around each other and those worn paths in the carpet. They are not images in my head, not just vague suggestions.

And I know that I'll feel lonely sometimes no matter how much I write about it. And I'll feel so happy that language cannot accurately describe it. I'll be angry and sad and disappointed and pleased and surprised and . . . I'll find some guy that I find absolutely intriguing, attractive, whatever and feel the need to tell you all about him without telling you who he is. And writing about how wonderful he is will never give me the courage to tell him so. I don't expect to grow out of emotions, and I don't expect journaling to solve all or any of my "problems". But this has surely been a wonderful vent for me, and it has made me feel understood, or at least listened to.

I'm just trying to say that I'll be saying less and less because so much of what I would say has already been written. I don't want to repeat myself. So much.

What am I doing here? I'm just here chasing after happiness. Its not stationary, but a lifelong pursuit. Everyday I must chase after happy. Somedays I don't. Somedays I stumble and don't get up so quickly. Somedays I get distracted. But most days I grab it fast and hold on until I go to sleep.

What do I need? I need structure and expectations and security. And I need to be loved without cost, without condition. And I need to be listened to, and someone to listen to. I will need a lifelong companionship, someone who will be happy and strong when I can't be, who will need me to be those things when they can't be. And more than anything, I need a personal relationship with the only One who ever gave me everything I need.

Ah, but I do need to learn some patience. Be more compassionate. More trusting. I need to guard my tongue. Avoid temptation. Stop getting so distracted. Focus on God.

I'm really done for now. (But I feel like I could sing.)

Sarah Jo

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