Sunday, September 28, 2008

All I have to say is:


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Girls arent supposed to tell you how much they weigh. Why?

I got up early and went to the gym. I have NEVER done that before. It sucked. I'll probably do it again.

Anway, the most I ever weighed was 320 and that was in June. Right now I'm at 296. So, progress is happening, even if its slow. The goal is to be under 245 in a year. So. . . maybe September 23rd, 2009. I figure thats slow enough weight loss that I can do it in a healthy way that will last.

Well, time to get ready for work.

Monday, September 22, 2008

La La La I sing when I'm happy La La La

I'm starting to formulate a new personal definition for me. Who I am is different now. See, the other day Casey asked us to make a list of the seven deadly sins in order of how guilty we are of each one. I made mine based on who I've always been:


But then I realized that my list has changed. Now, its something like this:


What I mean to say is that the gluttony and the sloth are no longer ruling my life. I'm not saying they arent a constant battle, but I've been making the healthier choices lately. And I've lost 24lbs so far. So yeah, it takes a LONG time, but at least I'm doing something, right?

And anyway, I feel better about myself. I don't feel amazing, obviously, but I feel good about who I am knowing that I'm changing the thing that makes me the most miserable.

I decided that my lifes mission was to become the best possible version of Sarah Jo. If something isnt who I am, I will stop doing it. So, is Sarah Jo defined as "fat person"? I don't want that to be true, so I'll work on changing that.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Things you can't do by candle light:

I wanted to write about saturday with the jazz club, the abandoned school, the police in the park, and the moon ritual in the hotel.

I wanted to write about sunday with the waffle house, falling off of vans, holding hands in the park, and melty ice cream.

I wanted to write about Monday with the day off work and attempting to play ping pong and sitting in the driveway and the arboretum.

I wanted to write about Tuesday with one cancelled class and dinner at Wendy's and an almost bonfire.

I wanted to write about Wednesday with the library, the mall, olive garden, el rancho, Kidd coffee and more hanging out in a van in the parking lot.

But I didn't have power.
So, I'll try to tell you later.

Sarah Jo

Friday, September 12, 2008

What makes the best fertilizer? I'm trying so hard to grow.

A few weeks ago the doctors told my mom that if she didn't quit smoking, she would die. So, she quit smoking, right?

I just walked into her bedroom to find her smoking. Everyone else in the house knew already, I guess. So now I'm two kinds of upset.

I don't know if the good and the bad have to balance each other out, or if it only seems that way to me. It doesn't matter I suppose.

Lies and deceit. Addiction and death.
But dont the flowers grow from the ashes?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

I used to hide links in my titles, when did I stop doing that?

Every once in a while, I read back over my old blog posts to see how far I am from where I've been. Sometimes, its not very far at all, and other times I can celebrate the growth I can see. Mostly, it makes time seem so much more tangible, a thick shroud between today and all those yesterdays.

Somehow, today is the best day of my life because its the only one I have. It doesnt matter about tomorrow or yesterday. They aren't mine to have.

But it still frightens me that I still want the things I've wanted for the last four years I've been recording. Surely, someone can't wait so long with no change. New age philosophy would tell me that wanting something so much only creates the feeling of want, so I should instead feel gratitude that the thing is coming. But its hard to feel grateful when I've seen so much time pass. So much time, and so little, right? There are years and years ahead of me. But I only have today, and I still want.
Having a new crush is always so exiting, from them moment you become aware of it until the time it finally moves into something else. Every little thing about the person is exciting and amazing, and all you want to do is get to know them more and steal more of their time. I wonder why that feeling always fades?

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

I am completely happy with who I am, but I can't make my body match my heart.

This blog has largely been my forum for working things out for myself, in the best way I know how: by writing. So, I'm going to do that in the space that follows.

I'm feeling unpleasant today. Upset. I would say that my feelings were hurt but that sounds like something that would fall out of the mouth of a five year old. So, I was hurt by the comment of a friend. I'm absolutely sure that she had no intention of hurting me, but still, it hurt. And I don't know if I'm more upset about what she pointed out, that fact that there was something to point out at all, or just that she had no idea that saying such a thing would hurt me so much. Because it did hurt very much.

It is not her fault, or anyones fault at all, really, that the situation exists. Its a thing apart from blame, but a thing that causes me much pain anyway. And sometimes what is painful to one person is another persons joy. So, she pointed it out to me in her joy, because it makes her happy. I suppose that only leaves the problem of her not realizing that her words would hurt me. I thought I was so open. I thought that she would see me the way no one else does because she always sees me that way, but in that moment, she only saw HER.

On top of all of this, I'm upset with myself with being upset about this. But, since when were feelings ever rational? There is a stark difference between the way things are and the way I wish they would be for me and no matter what I do, I cannot change that. The hurt was already there, simmering under the surface, hiding from my conscious mind most of the time, but she turned the spotlight on the difference between she and I, the difference that I wish I could make up, but I can't.

So I'm trying my best to force the sadness back into a corner somewhere, and let joy wash over me. I think the thoughts that made me feel joyful yesterday, but they are only memories now, no longer enough. I'm sure that sometime very soon, I'll forget about the hurt for awhile, but I cant ever escape it, the thing that drove me to the eventual mess of four months ago. Yes, I've recovered from the destruction, but the reasons behind the whole mess are still there. If I hadn't been here in the first place, I never would have gone THERE.

I'm sure that most of this makes no sense to anyone, and I'm sorry for wasting your time if you've gotten this far. I still don't have an answer. I still don't understand.

Monday, September 08, 2008


I used to have nights where I couldnt sleep and I wasnt satisfied because I just wanted to talk to someone, about anything. I feel that way tonight, and I guess it sucks mostly because I havent felt it in a long time. And this time the feeling is more specific: I want to be sitting in that place with those people again. And I have to wait until Thursday.

Sarah Jo

Sunday, September 07, 2008

I only say "the thing" because it still hurts too much to use the right word.

It started as a seed, sometime before it became my everything. When everything else comes to me in waves or ripples or even almost-unnoticed drips, this came as a seed. Most new things wash over me slowly in a fluid way, gently changing the tone of my thoughts or subconscious until every thought rearranges itself to make room for the new one, to make connects in the fluidity of thought. But this thing was a seed.

At first, I rejected it, reacting to the new sensation like a cancer. I avoided the thought, tried to drown it in silence, grind it between the stones of denial. But it stayed there, working its way deeper into the layers of my mind, hinting at the possibilities, the beautiful changes.

Eventually, I accepted it. I poured all of my hopes into the little seed. I shone my imagination onto it until it started to grow roots and branches. They worked themselves through the whole of me, up and down, until even my toes and fingers and hair became extensions of this foreign thought that began to rule me. It was beautiful and exhilarating. It carried me forward and up until I was a creature quite unlike myself, someone new. I didn't see until later how dangerous it was.

But later came. When the thing was ripped away from me, there wasn't any part that survived. My deepest desires, inclinations, and thought processes were churned and shredded until I was completely unrecognizable, but only on the inside. Somehow, my bones and muscles and skin held themselves together while the inside of me turned to ash, my entire inner structure razed to the ground. Gone.

At first there was just pain. I couldn't gather enough energy to form thoughts to even process the change. Only pain. And when the thoughts came, they were only razors and shards, tearing away at the joy and contentment that seemed to be at the core of me. Somehow, I was breathing but I couldn't get enough air. And I didn't want to go on. I prayed that something would come along and end my existence so that I didn't have to hurt anymore. How could something hurt SO much? But the destruction didn't rain from the sky and I had to get up and go to work and then come home and keep going through the motions of being alive.

Months passed. Eventually, the pain turned to a numbness that eventually turned back into feeling. Eventually, I began to rebuild something that looked like my former self. But it wasn't the same, and will never be again. Eventually, I found that my fake smile was real again and finally I felt happiness that was something like what I knew before.

But the thing changed me. I will never again let one thing become my everything. It is much too painful to put so much hope in one thing. I cannot survive something like that again. I never want to be in that place again.

Still, I like this new version of me. I never would have gotten here if it hadn't been for what happened four months ago. The longest four months of my life. Somehow, after all of that, I like me. And now, I appreciate the happiness because I know what it means to lose it.

So if I seem different to you, it is because I am. And I'm happier than I've ever been.

I only left because I had to pee. (Stupid bodily functions!)


So I just typed the word "I" and got stuck because I wasn't sure what words would properly convey what I'm feeling. I dont think words can. Actually, they never do. We try our best to make words represent ideas and experiences but all we are ever doing is trying. Anyway, thats not what I wanted to talk about.

I spent the evening at Kidd again, hanging out with Robbie, Dennis, Zach, Casey, Drew, Jared, Josiah, and other people whose names I didnt learn. After Kidd closed, some of us headed to someones house to watch a movie and then I ended up in the parking lot again to get back to my car. Its amazing how something that should take no time at all, like getting out of one car and getting into another, can turn into an hour-long process.

But see, even those words dont convey how it felt to just be. Its seems like I should be able to record this feeling now so I can play it back later when I don't feel so good.

I'm sure I'm much more articulate at normal hours of the day.

Casey asked if I was hurt when I fell out of his van and I told him I'de only hurt my pride, but when I got home I discovered a long, angry scratch on my thigh that is already bruised. I'm sure it will look worse in the morning, but I'm sure my pride suffered more damage anyway.

All I mean to say is that it was great in a way that seems too much for such a thing. Like, being so satisfied usually costs more. And it only gets better from here.

Sarah Jo

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

You take for granted the things I wish for the most.

School started again, and hopefully for the last time for me. I'm taking Identity and Conflict in Greco-Roman Egypt, Roman Cities, Peoples of the World, and Human Sexuality. This is the first time in my life I have felt like everyone else knows more than me in every class. I have no prior knowledge of ancient Greece or Rome, I'm not very educated about other cultures, and I certainly dont have any experience with Human Sexuality. I feel like the silent, dumb person in the back I've never been. I suppose this should be a humbling experience for me. I'll try to take that lesson from it. I'm not as smart as I thought I was. Or rather, I have so many oppurtunities to learn!

Moving on . . . I'm still playing the "avoiding my parents" game, and it sucks. They make me feel so guilty when they tell me they need money; yesterday my mom came upstairs crying telling me she didnt have anything to eat and she was hungry. Still, Dad had beer and cigerettes so I'm pretty sure their priorities are a little mixed up. Plus, when she tells me she's hungry and asks for money and not food, I begin to wonder exactly what she REALLY wants the money for. Sometimes, I hate it here. Shoudn't home be the one place a person should feel safe?

Well, my safety has moved to the coffee shop, I suppose. I'm meeting some really incredible people lately, and it's just been an amazing experience. People that accept me for who I am, instantly. They don't care that I'm not a christian, in fact, they think thats cool. They want to particpate in a full moon ritual with me. Wait, did I tell you I'm not a christian anymore? This has become a point of conflict in my life recently as people ask me to explain to them so they can better try to convert me back. Whats wrong with letting me believe whatever I want to believe?

Anyway, I'm really just saying all this to avoid the horror of: making dinner, eating dinner, cleaning up after dinner, going to the gym, showering after the gym, and doing masses of homework all in the next three hours. Its not going to happen because there isnt enough time. So, I must sort my priorities, though these all seem like MUSTS to me. I suppose I could sleep less. No one likes a grumpy Sarah Jo though. Hmm. And this isnt helping either. All right, I'm off.

Sarah Jo