I am completely happy with who I am, but I can't make my body match my heart.

This blog has largely been my forum for working things out for myself, in the best way I know how: by writing. So, I'm going to do that in the space that follows.

I'm feeling unpleasant today. Upset. I would say that my feelings were hurt but that sounds like something that would fall out of the mouth of a five year old. So, I was hurt by the comment of a friend. I'm absolutely sure that she had no intention of hurting me, but still, it hurt. And I don't know if I'm more upset about what she pointed out, that fact that there was something to point out at all, or just that she had no idea that saying such a thing would hurt me so much. Because it did hurt very much.

It is not her fault, or anyones fault at all, really, that the situation exists. Its a thing apart from blame, but a thing that causes me much pain anyway. And sometimes what is painful to one person is another persons joy. So, she pointed it out to me in her joy, because it makes her happy. I suppose that only leaves the problem of her not realizing that her words would hurt me. I thought I was so open. I thought that she would see me the way no one else does because she always sees me that way, but in that moment, she only saw HER.

On top of all of this, I'm upset with myself with being upset about this. But, since when were feelings ever rational? There is a stark difference between the way things are and the way I wish they would be for me and no matter what I do, I cannot change that. The hurt was already there, simmering under the surface, hiding from my conscious mind most of the time, but she turned the spotlight on the difference between she and I, the difference that I wish I could make up, but I can't.

So I'm trying my best to force the sadness back into a corner somewhere, and let joy wash over me. I think the thoughts that made me feel joyful yesterday, but they are only memories now, no longer enough. I'm sure that sometime very soon, I'll forget about the hurt for awhile, but I cant ever escape it, the thing that drove me to the eventual mess of four months ago. Yes, I've recovered from the destruction, but the reasons behind the whole mess are still there. If I hadn't been here in the first place, I never would have gone THERE.

I'm sure that most of this makes no sense to anyone, and I'm sorry for wasting your time if you've gotten this far. I still don't have an answer. I still don't understand.