Saturday, December 27, 2008

I am not, I am

I am not the keeper of your secrets.
I am not "on your side."
I am not here to suffer in silence.
I am not your comrade, your brother in arms.
I am not your defender.
I am not your friend.
I am not where you get your supply.
I am not the one who will hold you up when you fall.
I am not going to be here forever.
I am not falling for your attempts to make me feel guilty.
I am not going to back down.
I am not going to break under your hands.
I am not going to forgive you this time.
I am not weak, scared, or broken anymore.
I am not going to pretend its all okay.
I am not going to put on the happy face for your relatives.
I am not going to lie for you.
I am not any of these things.

I am your daughter, and only that.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

This is what it feels like:

Today I deleted all the sites on my favorites list that had to do with gastric bypass surgery. It felt like letting go. It felt like ripping off the band-aid. It felt like standing up. It felt like the deep breath before the dive. If felt like the shaky legs after getting off the eliptical machine. It felt like staring up at the up escalator, wondering if I could run all the way up. It felt like saying good-bye. It felt like walking away. If felt like that last glimpse of the trees and streets before the airplane takes you into the clouds. It felt like finally finding the right exit ramp on some long roadtrip. It felt like taking that step when you know you can never go back. It felt like triumph. It  felt like failure. It felt like driving without a seatbelt. It felt like waking up. It felt like seeing something beautiful and dangerous for the first time. It felt like hope. It felt like the end of hope. It felt like the swinging chairs that pull you up the side of the mountain on a cable. It felt like the sudden stop when the car spins around on the ice. It felt strange.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

I wish I was skinny.

I just googled "I wish I was skinny" just to see what other people are thinking/writing about the same things. They were all skinny people. I mean, they were all like 120-135 wishing they could go back to the days when they were 100.  Two things about that:

First, I was angry. I weigh 265lbs right now and that is amazing to me compared to the 320 I was a few months ago. Still, I'm not HAPPY and I keep thinking I wont be until later, until some magical day when I'll realize that I am finally not fat anymore. But how can they, who weight less than my GOAL, be unhappy? They could probably never even dream of what it means to be fat. There is no comparison. It doesn't matter if they feel insecure about the "meat on their bones". I cant even SEE my bones. What bones? I have meat on my meat. God. I'm so angry at them complaining about having the very thing I dream about. How can they be so unappreciative?

So, second thing. I realize that "happiness" isn't going to come from a number, but inside of me. It doesn't matter what I weigh if I don't like me. No thing on the scale, no pant size, and no mirror will ever be good enough unless I fix the things inside of me. Obviously, those girls haven't done that yet either and I shouldn't be mad at them for it. They are just as broken as me, and just as helpless to fix it. Maybe even more because they cannot see it. 

Oh, third thing. I'm sure there are things in my life that I not only take for granted, but complain about, that others in the world would love to have. For example, every time  the water gets turned off I get really, violently mad and I don't even take into account the fact that entire nations have no access to running water anywhere. I can brush my teeth at walmart. I can use the bathroom at the library. I can stay all night somewhere or use the laundry mat. I have options. Some people have no water at all.  So how do I have the right to get upset about people not appreciating what they have? I don't. So I'll shut up.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Another Tattoo and, of course, rambling.

I haven't written in a while. I do that sometimes. I get distracted by life and forget that I have things to say that no one wants to listen to. This time, the distractions  are weight loss, new friends, end of the semester stress, graduating stress, money stress, impending unknown future stress, and apartment finding stress. This all sounds very stressful, hmm? But no, I only focus on one thing at a time. Freaking out doesnt help anything anyway.

So I've lost fifty-five pounds now. I got another tattoo to celebrate that. Everyone seems to think the tattoo is too large but I'm quite happy with it.

I'm going to do what I want to do now and not what I think other people want of me. I've spent a lot of time trying to be everyone else's idea of a good girl, hoping that would make them love me. I thought that being fat was something I had to compensate for, I had to be extra in every other category to make myself worthy of someone else's time and attention. Still, I felt, and feel, that I'm never quite as good as other people. I don't deserve your time. I don't deserve your attention. I suppose it doesnt help matters that society reinforces this message for me often enough. Still, if I cant change the way I think about me yet, I'm going to change the behaviors that stem from those beliefs. If I do it, maybe I'll believe it. So, I'm going to do what makes me happy, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. I'm not going to be quiet. I'm not going to be agreeable. I'm not going to let them tell me what to do.

In other news, my proffessor handed back papers today and she wrote  on mine that I am brave and unassuming. No one had ever called me these things before she did, and I had never thought about those words in associaton with myself. But I know in that moment I cared more about what she thought of me than all those other people that call me nice, friendly, cute, kind, happy, or pretty. I don't believe the cute and pretty and sometimes I'm only nice, friendly, and happy so that people will get over the fact I'm not pretty. But unassuming and brave, well, those things I am all by myself. Those things are me, apart from the weight. I was shocked. There is a part of me that isn't a direct result of my weight? There is! I am unassuming. I am brave. And one day, I'll be beautiful.

Of course, if I don't go to bed, tomorrow I'll be tired and thats not beautiful at all.