Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Another Tattoo and, of course, rambling.

I haven't written in a while. I do that sometimes. I get distracted by life and forget that I have things to say that no one wants to listen to. This time, the distractions  are weight loss, new friends, end of the semester stress, graduating stress, money stress, impending unknown future stress, and apartment finding stress. This all sounds very stressful, hmm? But no, I only focus on one thing at a time. Freaking out doesnt help anything anyway.

So I've lost fifty-five pounds now. I got another tattoo to celebrate that. Everyone seems to think the tattoo is too large but I'm quite happy with it.

I'm going to do what I want to do now and not what I think other people want of me. I've spent a lot of time trying to be everyone else's idea of a good girl, hoping that would make them love me. I thought that being fat was something I had to compensate for, I had to be extra in every other category to make myself worthy of someone else's time and attention. Still, I felt, and feel, that I'm never quite as good as other people. I don't deserve your time. I don't deserve your attention. I suppose it doesnt help matters that society reinforces this message for me often enough. Still, if I cant change the way I think about me yet, I'm going to change the behaviors that stem from those beliefs. If I do it, maybe I'll believe it. So, I'm going to do what makes me happy, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. I'm not going to be quiet. I'm not going to be agreeable. I'm not going to let them tell me what to do.

In other news, my proffessor handed back papers today and she wrote  on mine that I am brave and unassuming. No one had ever called me these things before she did, and I had never thought about those words in associaton with myself. But I know in that moment I cared more about what she thought of me than all those other people that call me nice, friendly, cute, kind, happy, or pretty. I don't believe the cute and pretty and sometimes I'm only nice, friendly, and happy so that people will get over the fact I'm not pretty. But unassuming and brave, well, those things I am all by myself. Those things are me, apart from the weight. I was shocked. There is a part of me that isn't a direct result of my weight? There is! I am unassuming. I am brave. And one day, I'll be beautiful.

Of course, if I don't go to bed, tomorrow I'll be tired and thats not beautiful at all.

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