Thursday, December 04, 2008

I wish I was skinny.

I just googled "I wish I was skinny" just to see what other people are thinking/writing about the same things. They were all skinny people. I mean, they were all like 120-135 wishing they could go back to the days when they were 100.  Two things about that:

First, I was angry. I weigh 265lbs right now and that is amazing to me compared to the 320 I was a few months ago. Still, I'm not HAPPY and I keep thinking I wont be until later, until some magical day when I'll realize that I am finally not fat anymore. But how can they, who weight less than my GOAL, be unhappy? They could probably never even dream of what it means to be fat. There is no comparison. It doesn't matter if they feel insecure about the "meat on their bones". I cant even SEE my bones. What bones? I have meat on my meat. God. I'm so angry at them complaining about having the very thing I dream about. How can they be so unappreciative?

So, second thing. I realize that "happiness" isn't going to come from a number, but inside of me. It doesn't matter what I weigh if I don't like me. No thing on the scale, no pant size, and no mirror will ever be good enough unless I fix the things inside of me. Obviously, those girls haven't done that yet either and I shouldn't be mad at them for it. They are just as broken as me, and just as helpless to fix it. Maybe even more because they cannot see it. 

Oh, third thing. I'm sure there are things in my life that I not only take for granted, but complain about, that others in the world would love to have. For example, every time  the water gets turned off I get really, violently mad and I don't even take into account the fact that entire nations have no access to running water anywhere. I can brush my teeth at walmart. I can use the bathroom at the library. I can stay all night somewhere or use the laundry mat. I have options. Some people have no water at all.  So how do I have the right to get upset about people not appreciating what they have? I don't. So I'll shut up.

16 comments:

Christy said...

I just typed in "I wish I was skinny" and read your blog. Congrats on your weight loss, you'll get there.. all about consistency.

Spencer said...

I just typed in I wish I were skinny just to see what would come up. The first thing I found was some girl's myspace. She wrote this thing about how she took less food at lunch time than her 9 year old brother and her daddy got mad at her and made her eat more and now she's all like "my family doesn't understand and they want me to get fat." I saw a picture of her and she is miles away from having to worry about real weight gain. People just want to be victims of something to feel some sense of entitlement. I wish every one in America woke up one day and was 50 pounds over weight. I got fat in middle school after moving to a new town. Up until I was in 6th grade I was skinny and had lots of friends. That was probably one of the hardest things I ever went through, but I didn't let it drag me down.

Anne said...

I got mad when I saw that stuff too. And I understand...it's just that I wanted to see things about people like me. People who actually ARE overweight and need help. Sometimes I just want to meet these 120 lb. girls and say, "hey, take a gander at me and just be happy you don't look like this." It's unfair I guess, but it's the way I feel.

Anonymous said...

Hmm. I weigh 112 pounds... and yet, here I am, googling "I wish I was skinny." But I think with me it's more of an attention thing.

Anonymous said...

I did the same as the rest of you (googled "I wish I was skinny") and I weigh 88 pounds. Granted I don't make it to five feet in height, I don't consider myself fat, but I don't consider myself thin either. I now I am being ungrateful and I should be happy with what I ave, but I would do anything for a flat stomach....

Anonymous said...

im 146 pounds and i wouldnt mind
being 120 pounds i hate
being fat soooo so bad:(((
i would like to be 110 pounds
but i would settle for 120 even 130
god i would kill to be skinny:(

Anonymous said...

im 146 pounds and i wouldnt mind
being 120 pounds i hate
being fat soooo so bad:(((
i would like to be 110 pounds
but i would settle for 120 even 130
god i would kill to be skinny:(

Anonymous said...

fat or skinny, we all have issues with out bodies. dont start hatin' on the skinny people though. i was skinny and many people envied my body. but i unhappy with my body because many also were like "omgosh ur so skinnnny go eat something gosh". even being skinny people had to point out something bad about my body. funny huh? n btw i didn't starve my self or take pills etc that crap that people do now a days. i actually exercised (: (i stopped years ago bc i was skinny and wanted to become fat. i regret doing that LOL)
these skinny people just want to feel beautiful. and they think by becoming thinner then can be. (okay now i admit there are probably alot just doing it for attention LOL but because they want to know that they are pretty) im really bad at explaining things but the thing is you shouldn't judge them >_>
congrats on yo weight lose though ! :D

Anonymous said...

^haha i wrote it wrong
lose=loss

Betsy said...

I'm 5'4" and weigh 131 lbs. (I used to be at 180, but lost the weight through healthy eating.) I know I'm at a healthy BMI, but I still don't feel comfortable wearing a bikini. I wish I could have a flat tummy. My fiance's sister has been a skinny gorgeous blond all her life, (she's now 23) but get this: her goal in life is to become a fat person because she loves junk food. She thinks it's amusing. Wtf? I have had to battle with weight gain all my life, and she naturally has a high metabolism and can eat anything she wants without gaining a pound. It angers me that she WANTS to be fat. I know this sounds spiteful, but I wish with all my being that one day, she'd wake up and weigh 50-75 more pounds. That would be AWESOME. Then she'd see just how "funny" it is being overweight. Seriously, what is wrong with people?!

Anonymous said...

lol. I just typed i wish i were skinny and found your blog. and your right...i'm 105...your blog brings things in perspective. thanks! :)

Anonymous said...

i know this is way late. i googled "i wish i was skinny" and clicked on your blog. how is your weight loss coming along? i currently weigh 265 and i'm struggling trying to lose weight so bad.

Anonymous said...

I typed in "I wish I was skinny" and got this post. But I'm not some thin girl, I'm a woman who weighed 280, lost 50 pounds and weighed 230, and then gained about 15 pounds back. I was looking at a picture of myself that was taken about 6 hours ago and I HATED how fat I looked in the picture. I don't look like some curvy plus-size model, even THAT would be great. No, I look like a normal person with tree trunks for arms and a tire around the middle just cause it's fun, whee!

I'm really glad I stumbled across your post, almost a year later it seems. It's so difficult FEELING fat even after losing weight and having so many other blessings in life. There are so many times I just hate my body shape and wish it would change. I'm glad I read your blog and regained my focus to keep trying. The fight will never be over, and the fat may have won the latest battle, but I WILL win the next one! I hope you are still focusing on your end goal, too. Keep it up and thanks for inspiring me!

chala said...

congrats on your weight loss.... i do agree with ur blog.... thin people are the ones who always leave comments of how you can do it and that its easy... but when u are a chunky person the loosing weight part is soo hard!!!! i am eighteen years old 5'3" and i weighed 213 pounds.. i was this weight ever since i can remember.... i started working out and "tried" (and let me emphasize on tried) to stick to healthy eating.... i went down to 196 and am feeling a bit more confident... however, it seems that i cannot loose any more weight... it is very frustrating because there are times where i hate myself... for not being able to stick to the plan on loosing weight... and then i see that i start to put on pounds again...and again i get miserable.. reading other peoples stories really motivates me, but after a while of trying to do the right thing my motivation kinda evaporates away, and i go in a depression...

Anonymous said...

This was awesome encouragement. Just keep ignoring the fools who like to base their worth on their weight and only get happiness in life from picking on others. They just give me more fuel to continue on my happiness journey, which has nothing to do with size. It has to do with accepting yourself and the ones around you who love you for who you truly are and will always encourage you in every endeavor of life. Again, thank you all for helping me put things in perspective!!!

Anonymous said...

i do wish i was skinny. even though i know i'm fine just the way i am. sometimes i try to think that it's really just genetics. i have so many friends and they're all really really skinny, and they eat well, but they are so skinny!! i love to eat, and i'm not fat, but i'm not skinny either... i wish i was like them. why can't i be prettier...or skinnier. why is this desire so imbedded into us and yet so ridiculous at the same time. u know what i think the solution is? i think the solution is to please have clothes for people who have curves so that we can look good. also, to make those clothes affordable so people can buy them and feel good about themselves... feeling good about oneself is not a luxury, it is a necessity.