Friday, January 28, 2005

Get your foot off my ear!

It has been years since that summer when I would sing Sister Hazel at the top of my lungs. Just hearing that one song again brings back the joy and carelessness of it all. Let me embrace this feeling for a moment.

Sometimes, or rather, recently, I feel wound up so tight. I have so many things to do, and I just. . . I just want to do what I want to do and not what I have to do. And I am waiting for things to happen and dreading others. I am joyful at seeing this person and mournful at the absence of another.

I am SO proud of my mother. Let me just say that. I am SO very happy with her. This last month has been the best month I have spent with her. I finally feel. . . loved. I mean, I know she loved me before, but she hurt me so much. She would pick her drugs over me everytime and it made me feel so inadequate. Nothing I could do would make her choose me. And now, well now she is choosing the family. And I see her cry, and I know how hard it is for her, but she just smiles at me through the tears and tells me how sorry she is. And I cannot say how much I needed to hear that. I tried to talk to her for so long, I tried over and over again to make her see. She would not listen. So I just distanced myself from her and I got mad. I was mad at her for every little thing she did, and I tried to hurt her like she hurt me. But now it is so much better. She loves me and she needs me and she sees me. I do not have to shout anymore, I can whisper.

And all this last month, I trust her more, and I tell her more. I am moving closer to her. I am giving her my heart again. And I am terrified that she will go back to the pain pills again. I am terrified that she will hurt me again. She has not lied to me or stolen from me all month.

Its funny how you can want to talk about something for so long and then not find the words for it.

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