Thursday, April 23, 2009

Mmmm. Some harvarti would go nice with this.

I feel guilty nearly all the time. I wonder if this will ever go away. Because before, I didn't care about the choices I was making. Now, I analyze everything I do and even though I make the right choices enough of the time to lose weight, I make the wrong choices sometimes too. And it makes me hate myself.

Logically, I know that I can't be perfect all the time. I understand that life is about finding a balance between the unhealthy decisions and the things I do to make up for them. I know that if I completely forbid myself from going out to eat or having chocolate I will be more likely to completely give up and go back to where I was. I would be miserable.

But feeling guilty all the time is miserable too. I live so much better than I did before and yet I hate myself. I think I'm a lost cause. All I see when I look at me is an inability to handle permanent changes permanently. I talk down to myself. I hate me. I'm a failure.

I know these things aren't true. Look at me, I've lost 95lbs in the last nine months or so. That's an obvious sign of success, right? How do I stop these negative voices in my head? I keep focusing on positive affirmations but as soon as I open my eyes those horrible thoughts swarm back in like so many angry bees. 

And I'm impatient. I'm so ready to be in that body I've been imagining. I revel in the changes I'm seeing now but I'm not happy yet. My stomach shouldn't stick out so far that it actually folds over. My arms shouldn't be covered in flaps of waving skin. My collar bones should be visible. My thighs shouldn't press together like this. My calves shouldn't be so huge. What is this back fat still doing here? But these are private things I deal with on my own. The other-people things bother me more.

I can't climb that tree because I'm still too large and clumsy and it just might bend under my weight anyway. No, please don't pick me up; I'm much heavier than I look. No I don't look sexy when I dance - its all jiggly and awkward and my insecurity is as obvious as my red hair. Of course those boys didn't notice me. I can't shop here, they don't have plus sizes. Oh no no no, that would show WAY too much of my body. I don't know about laying there next to you. I mean, is there enough room? And then when I lay down I feel like my fat just kind of gathers around my face like a skin scarf. Are you seeing this?

Who would I share this with? They would point out that things are much better, right? And sure they are. They most definitely are. I've never been so happy in my life. But I'm so ready for more. I'm so ungrateful. I'm so impatient.

My mother walked up the stairs just now. I told her all of this and a little more. I cried a little. She says, "You must be ready to start your period."

Its so great when my feelings are validated that way.
But I think she's right. Haha.

No comments: