I'm content nearly all the time. Even when bad things happen, I'm pretty resilient. I deal with it. I move on. I find a way back to my joy fairly quickly. I don't need people to cheer me up. I don't need people to fix it. But sometimes, I do need someone to listen.
And this weekend I realized that the only person I feel comfortable crying in front of is in Orlando. Every other relationship has deteriorated to the point where I can't even call them. Can't even tell them. Some of them are my fault. Some of them I couldn't save. But now I feel horribly, horribly lonely.
Jeremy is my only person here. The one I actually tell things to and worry about and miss. But that just scares me. I need to have more than just one person. Its too scary when it's just one. Then, if he is gone, there will be no one. And how can I trust him not to suddenly be gone? How can I trust myself not to mess this one up too?
If I have two or three close friends around then its not so devastating when something happens with one because there is someone else around to listen. Someone else around to help me deal with it. My Ashley in Florida let me cry on the phone. And I'll go see her this week. But she couldn't hug me today. And I really do need that.
Because I think I lost my other Ashley again. Just like that.
I told Jeremy about it. He called me and that helped.
I'm just so upset. I can't even be articulate enough to tell you. I don't even want to write about it. I just want to talk and cry about it and then let someone distract me with something else for awhile.
I'm sure I'll feel better in the morning. Probably.