Monday, October 16, 2006

I keep thinking about fun things we did before September.

I spent the whole day in bed. Okay, I did leave it for a while, but mostly. . . I guess that an evening of allergy-attack, and then crying caused my entire head to explode in confusion. This morning, my eyes were swollen, my ears and throat hurt, I had two blisters on my mouth, and I had a headache. Upon discovering all this, I decided to roll over and go back to sleep. That wasn't confusing at all.

But I'm okay now, well, minus the fever blisters.

I'm feeling lonely. I'm so busy with school and work and tutoring. I come home from school exhausted. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere when I'm not at school or work, but I have to go to the library and I have to do my homework and I have to make lesson plans. And more recently, I have to study for midterms, I have to work on group projects, I have to plan for field experience, I have to figure out my schedule. So, when I do have time to do nothing (and I'm not sick), I don't want to go out with friends. I don't have any money, I only work 12 hours a week. What could I do that doesn't cost money? Where could I drive that doesn't waste too much gas? And who would want to spend time with me when I don't call anyone, I don't talk to anyone? I'm feeling lonely.

I'm tired of worrying about things. I worry about everything, like worrying ever made anything better. Worrying is exhausting. I wish I could decide to stop. I know everything always works out in the end, but I can't help but worry that its not going to work this time. . .

Last night I had a dream that I was trying to get to this cabin on a hill. I knew that once I got to that cabin, I could relax. So, I started climbing this hill. It kept getting steeper and steeper and I could not longer walk because every step landed in the same place as I slid backward, so I crawled and eventually there were handholds because it was so steep and the concrete was so slick and then it was a wall and I couldn't climb anymore. It was a water-slide and I was falling, tumbling, sliding back down to the bottom again. And I was thinking, I can't do that again. I can't do that again. I'm tired. I can't do that again.

And I woke up all gross and fever-blistery.

Good morning.

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